Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Hi everyone, I have been busy reading all of the blogs on here and I am so excited because I may be able to get some answers on my child custody dilemma with a Psychopath.
I have been dealing with the father of my 10 year old son since he (the faher) was incarcerated about 5 years ago. He is still serving time in prison and will be eligible for parole in early of 2012. I was never married to him but lived with him for seven years. Since he found out that I moved on with my life, he’s done nothing but caused trouble for my husband and myself. He had taken me to Court to get visitation rights which would have been fine but he is relentless and always made up false accusations (including child abuse by my husband) even with the visitation and phone calls allowed. He had filed extensive litigations with the Child Custody case which many of those were denied by the Judge. Just about a year ago, he had filed an appeal with the Superior Court because he was not happy with the Judge’s ruling.
My real dilemna is the fact that this man continues to write to our son and manipulate him against his step father. He writes words like “do not call Joe dad…I am your only dad…you’re disobeying the bible and you’re disobeying me if you call Joe dad….you’re not a good boy if you call Joe dad. Week after week, he writes our son letters that are really directed to me and my husband and they’re all about badgering. Please note that my son is deemed mentally challenged and is currently attending a special school. The father also goes against my wishes: for example, I advised him that our son is indefinitely grounded from wrestling and I politely asked him if he can refrain from sending our son any wrestling materials and writing to him about wrestling. The father in turn does the opposite and writes our son all kinds of wrestling results just to torment me. Every letter that he writes to our son are full of lies and delusional promises. I am very fearful because of the effect and danger that this man can inflict now and upon his release from prison.
I would like to ask for your advice to see what would be the best avenue to take so I can file for full legal custody and no contact. I have had two lawyers in the past and have spent an enormous amount of money and I felt that I received nothing in return for the money spent. I am now representing myself because I can no longer afford an attorney and it was very costly considering the fact that this man was filing stuff with the Court almost every month for the past 5 years (182 motions were filed so far with the Court). I have three other children that are living in my household and I am afraid that my husband and I will no longer be able to afford to provide for them if this man keeps finding a way to abuse the legal system.
I am really petrified of this man and wants no contact with him anymore as all he does is badger, manipulates and tries to cause trouble. He uses our son as a pawn to satisfy his vindictive behavior and it makes a very unhealthy life for my family. I am a very reasonable person and very easy to get along with, this is why I became the victim of a Psychopath. I want to do what is best for my child and the best thing is to keep him away from his father because he is a dangerous person and my son does not benefit from having contact with him. My son is 10 but has a mentality of a 5 years old. He doesn’t even have a concept on how to read and write very simple letters. It pains me that my son and my family have to deal with a very manipulative, lying person who doesn’t know what is right and what is wrong. He (the father) has no conscience and no real remorse for all the mistakes and bad things that he had done to a lot of people.
Right now, the support of my husband and family is what keep my sanity – although I am feeling really overwhelmed and emotionally stressed out. I am desperate for any legal advice anyone can give me. Thank you.
Dear Jv,
Since your son cannot read at this time, I would NOT read him the letters from his “sperm donor” (that man is NOT a father) and I would KEEP THOSE LETTERS TO SHOW to the judge. I can’t imagine a judge thinking those things are APPROPRIATE for a 5 yr old OR A 10 YR OLD either. But especially because your son is challenged.
I would get some legal help NOW while the evil one is incarcerated and get him declared an unfit parent if that is possible at all.
Just do the best you can! And God bless you, your husband and your child! Oh, click on the link on the left that is Dr. Leedom’s about “the at risk child” it is a great site! (((hugs))))
JV,
What about an attorney from Legal Aide, at a reduced rate, if that is at all possible.
Also, have you looked into having your present husband adopt the child. It would be a contested adoption, but I have read that step parent adoptions are often easier to obtain.
Also, if there is a visitation order in place, I would go to court to have it modified. I think with the letters he is writing are not in the child’s best interests.
The very best of luck to you.
JV:
Welcome to LF….you’ll find an immense amount of information and education on here….you’ll also find comraderie and support in your journey to protect your baby.
He’s got time on his hands and its’ apparant he is using it to harras you legally.
First off…..Is your son in counselling? If not get him in counselling and share these letters with the therapist.
Enlist the aid of a therapist to keep your son safe….emotionally….and when pops is released, physically.
DO NOT share these letters with your son! Keep them boxed up and maybe…MAYBE when he is an adult he can have them….
BUT NOT NOW!
I’m assuming your not taking him to the prison for visitation?
Please tell me NO!
I think it’s extremely unhealthy for your child what is going on….the letters, the ‘promises’ etc…
I commend you for taking it on yourself. I think in your case this is EXACTLY what you should be doing. Since pops is incarcerated (not sure what for?), but this process with him will be ongoing….because HE”S got the time…..
SO….I recommend you take a crash course in law and continue to educate yourself on child custody and the childs rights in YOUR situation.
I’m sure there are child advocates in your area at womens services….DV supports…THEY have legal aid…..at very least a paralegal who can guide you in filings….
Can you apply for a TPO on behalf of your child? Based on the mental health welfare of your child….with childs disabilities…
I’d get some help with his school and some therapists….
Document his behaviors in regards to his father…. and if there are any setbacks or outbursts when contacted.
Good luck and keep up your perseverance and tenacity….your gonna need it for the long haul!!!
XXOO
EB
I really don’t know where to began with this because I’m filled up with so many emotions. About two and half months ago I realized the father of my kids is a P. I had been with him for 10 years even through periods of break ups and realizing that something was so wrong with him. I had never experienced a relationship so dysfunctional in my life but yet I stayed in it. I felt like I was addicted to him. He made me feel that way. He was so complicated. He is everything a spath is. I have two young children with him and having no contact is not something that I could have. I have a temporary restraining order against him at this time and we are going to meet again in another week and a half for our court case. I really dred it but I do feel confident. I know he is a pathological liar and the only thing he is concerned about is winning and hurting me. I’m just glad that I don’t have to hear or see him for the moment.
He has never really taken interest in the kids only when it’s convenient for him and that is after his other women (victims). He acts like he is not worried about me and only his kids, but when he thinks I have moved on with another man, that is when his ugly side comes out and he is completely dangerous to me. He threatened to kill me and even while my kids were outside riding on their bikes he wanted to fight a male friend of mine that he thought was my boyfriend. He did all this in front of our kids and he was so angry that he told me over and over that he was going to kill me and then he ran towards his car like he was going to get his gun ( I’ve known him to have one) and we took off running into the garage and I brought the door down and ran in to call the police. I was so fearful of my life, my children, and friend. He completely lost it. He thought it was so funny that we ran and didn’t know what we were running for. Anyone in that situation would know he is not running to get a ball to play.
Well now that he has been served the restraining order papers he can’t come close to my children, or me, He’s even more mad and he acted like I did something so horrible to him by keeping his kids away from him. (The dad that rarely spent time with his children never provided any financial support) (He just loves them so much. LOL) He is not caring about his actions. He was living in his car for a short period of time and didn’t have a job, The way he makes his money is by preying on vulnerable women such as myself and using them with his charm and charisma, Sex, and he starts getting money and objects out of them. I don’t know what I could have done to deserve a creep like this in my life. He has really damaged my spirit. He has no idea that I don’t want to be bothered with another man and I have no desire for sex because of him. The funny thing is I don’t hate him. I think about him when I get up and when I go to bed and moments in between and it sickens me. He has done some cruel and callous things to me over the years and it’s going to take a while for me to heal. He ended up going back to this women whom is 14 years older than he is. She’s 53 and has no children and a very good job and he did her so wrong. but she is there for him when he needs here especially when it comes to my kids. She is where I use to be “brainwashed” He is not a good father. She was the one that looked after my daughter when he had visitation in the past and he was rarely around even when he was with her. But when we were in court three years ago she lied to make him look better than he should have and he ended up getting the time he did with them. She ended up paying my child support and his other childs from a previous relationship just to keep him. He eventually left her when he didn’t really want her in the first place, he just wanted to hurt me and that is why he proceeded with that case. He has never wanted to be taking care of my kids. I have been there and done everything for my kids. What Father tells the mother of his children when she is telling him she needs money to help take care of the kids “Why don’t you sell them, if you need money that bad” A Sociopath does! I’m angry because they are going to put on a facade as if he is living in her house in a stable situation when it was not like that leading up to this legal situation.
Child custody will be discussed at that time and in my opinion he is not fit to have any visits unless there supervised and I think that is a bit much. Him walking away would be the best thing for my babies including myself. His whole objective is hurting me. He knows he no longer has that control over me and it kills him he wants me to suffer. And he knows the only way now is through my kids. I feel like I can beat this with my testimony but I wish he didn’t have the support because she might just shell out money for a lawyer and I can’t. He doesn’t care because it’s not his money anyway. I just wanted to vent to people who understand what it is that I feel. I get so frustrated because no one can understand what a sociopath is and they always wonder why I stayed with him so long. They just don’t know how good these people are and I mean good in a bad way. My children depend on me representing them to the fullest and I am throwing out all the punches, bringing all the drug abuse, selling drugs and so on. I’m going to ask for drug testing. Nothing is stopping me. I can’t let him have my children the children he once referred to as “little Mother F—ers!”
Dear God’s child,
I am so sorry that you are faced with this kind of monster, and trying to take care of your kids too. Be careful though, as the ones who threaten can also be the ones who actually KILL! BE SAFE WHATEVER IT TAKES! I don’t know how long you have been here reading, but keep on readiing and learning and coming here to post! There is so much support here!
God bless you and your kids! Again, Welcome to LoveFraud.
Godschild1, hey there, you sound like a wonderful mom, I am so sorry you have gone through this hurt, I pray for your spirit to heal. I am glad you found this website, great people here, they have helped me a lot, hope to hear from you again soon.
{{{{{Godschild1}}}}}…hugs to you, my dear. You didn’t “do anything to deserve” the torment that you were dealt. Spath is just a Thing that moves through society targeting people for various purposes, uses them, and discards them like so much waste.
I’m glad you’re on this site – I’m sorry that you ARE on this site, but that you found LoveFraud.com will be a real help during this time of uncertainty and fear.
OxD has hit the proverbial nail on the head: make yourself and your children SAFE – regardless of what you have to do. Changing locks, moving to an undisclosed locations, changing phone numbers, NO CONTACT of any kind with the spath, etc.
Brightest blessings on you, Godschild1.
I’m so happy to have found Lovefraud! Like most victims, mine is a long and terrible story of betrayal and exploitation at the hands of a man I had the misfortune of having a child with. I got away from him when my son was 1, but he turned on the ol’ charm, made all sorts of promises to change, and I voluntarily subjected myself to 3 more years of sheer hell. Everything finally fell apart when I got injured on the job. I was unable to work, which meant an end (at least temporarily) to his meal ticket. He moved out, leaving me with a huge mortgage and trying desperately to raise my child when I was unable to even walk. He disappeared for days at a time. A month after he moved out, he decided to tell me about his secret girlfriend of the past 3 or 4 years. There were many other emotional affairs, but he actually was “in love” with this girl right under my nose… inviting her over to play house for 2 years when I was out working. He feigned guilt and remorse, but I suspect he just got wise to the fact that I would probably be getting a large settlement, and having the affair wasn’t very exciting anymore now that he lived somewhere else.
He couldn’t pretend for very long. After a couple of months of what I thought was a genuine spiritual awakening, he went right back to the lies. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I proposed a parenting plan which would take away his precious weekends (as I had not had any without my son for many months), and he decided to get me back by calling Child Protective Services and making a malicious charge of abuse and neglect. That was the end for me. I am a devoted mother, and he did NOTHING to support the family. I had to beg him and promise to pay so that he would even go on the vacations I planned. When he was home, he would cruise the internet for babes. Usually he wasn’t home. I was not allowed to know where he was, because that would have been “controlling”. Man – I was naive!!!
After the investigation, I went to the courts to file a parenting plan along with an order of protection. Though he always claimed he never had money (and in fact started the foreclosure process on our home), he managed to get a lawyer and presented 60 pages of lies and horrible charges on what an unfit mother I was. He even recruited my son’s daycare (which I found!) and his new roommates in the battle. It was outrageous – I did EVERYTHING for our child since he was born!
Because he had no problem lying in court, and it had been two years since any physical abuse, the judge denied my protective order, though she granted us mutual restraining orders. I borrowed money to get my own lawyer, and we are now going through the process of discovery to both clear my name and prove the pattern of abuse which started with his first wife. I am appalled to discover the full depth of his financial abuse of me. When I was unable to walk and not taking in any income, he claimed not to be able to pay for anything for 3 months. I went through all of my savings supporting US. Turns out he had $8000 in the bank!
He lost his lawyer a few weeks ago, so now after playing such a tyrant for so long, he is finding himself at a disadvantage. So what does he do? He starts sending me e-mails (the only way we could communicate) begging for me to show “compassion for the sake of our son”, blow off the hearing, and go back to physical communication because “Our son doesn’t understand why the two people he loves most in the world can’t communicate in a healthy manner.” UGH!
What is unfortunate is that the Family Court Services evaluator will be reading all of these e-mails. I know I have to stand my ground and refuse contact with him, but how do I convince the people who are NOT aware of sociopathy that these are just empty words? My attorney thinks it might look bad on me not to “give him another chance for the sake of the child”. I know that courts consistently favor joint custody in my state, but after having a few blessed months of reprieve from his lies and manipulation, I can’t go back. I won’t. How do you make the courts (or anyone else for that matter) understand what these people are like? He didn’t just betray my trust a few times. He did it on a daily basis for YEARS. He drained my finances, stripped me of my friends and self-esteem, obliterated my ability to trust, and made what should have been the happiest years in my life as a mother into a living hell. My therapist doesn’t even know what to do. I suspect many people (and certainly his family) think I’m “overreacting”. I just don’t know how to respond to his request, and I don’t know how to prove in a non-histrionic way that I refuse to be his victim anymore, and I will fight like hell to limit his contact with our son. A year ago I might have added, “…until he gets help”, but after reading all I have about sociopaths and understanding that he has NO remorse for the damage he caused in my life, I am not giving any more chances.
Please help me! I need to draft a response by Tuesday, and then my lawyer is dropping me until I can get current on my $7k bill! Totally worth it, though. I think I’m going to search for a new attorney, however, who is familiar with sociopathy.
freemama,
My heart goes out to you! I know what it’s like (totally), being involved with a spath. Each day for me is still hard, the h-spath (we’re separated) is a complete jerk, letting me pretty much take care of most household expenses (eg. mortgage, etc.). I would suggest being matter-of-fact (straightforward, unemotional), that if he needs to communicate with you, he can do so via your attorney. You can respond back to the spath through your attorney, making it easier on you (mentally). Other people who have already gone through divorce and custody issues can better advise you.