A Lovefraud reader recently asked the following question:
If the sociopath is not in it for money (he pays for everything with no access to my accounts) then what are other reasons to stay in a relationship if he doesn’t live with me nor do we share anything financially? Many of the posts I have read involve financial fraud.
If a sociopath has targeted you, it’s because you have something that he or she wants. Often it’s money, but not always. Here are 10 more things that the sociopath may want:
1. Sex
Sociopaths crave stimulation, and sex is highly stimulating, so they pursue it. However, sociopaths are not slaves to their physical urges. They often use sex primarily as a tool of manipulation to get something else that they want.
2. Services
Sociopaths may want you to do something for them that they don’t want to do for themselves, such as cooking, cleaning and taking care of children.
3. Housing
Even if sociopaths don’t directly ask for money, they may suggest living together. They may say it’s because they love you, when, in fact, they have no place to go.
4. Entertainment
Perhaps you’re part of an exciting social scene. The sociopath may want to be with you just to gain access to the people you know.
5. Status
Hanging out with you may be good for their image, especially if you’re rich, famous, successful or competent. Your status boosts their status.
6. Image
Perhaps the sociopath needs a partner like you to complete the image that he or she wants to present to the company or community.
7. Cover
Your presence may help them get away with a hidden agenda. You may be providing cover for the sociopath to pursue a double life of sex, drugs or crime.
8. Connections
Sociopaths may use you, your skills and your connections in order to pursue their grandiose dreams or entrepreneurial plans.
9. Duping delight
Sociopaths enjoy getting over on people—this is called “duping delight.” They often manipulate, deceive and use people just for the fun of it. Some will seduce targets just so they can break their hearts.
10. Domination
Sociopaths feed on power and control, so they sometimes pursue domination for its own sake. They want to prove themselves more powerful than you, perhaps even powerful enough to destroy you.
If a sociopath targets you, it’s because he or she sees you as useful in some way. Once you are no longer useful, you’ll be dumped.
Hmm what a valid point Skylar. I’ve been thinking about this as well. How come the roles switch? Mine did en every single little detail. I found it so strange and peculiar when it all was over, how I had become him. I even noticed it happening when we we’re togheter. I’d lost my self completely. At one point I did try to reach him by mirroring his own actions so he could see how hurtfull his behaviour was. (It never worked, he just cried over how mean I was towards him and how controlling I was bla bla bla and then he walked away with a smile on his face. Then it was ALL my fault you know…)
He used to have migranes, now I have them. He used be out of focus, now I am. I have several more examples and I hear other victims/survivors mention this as well. What actually happens in a role switch on a mental and spiritual level?
Something tells me that the “bond” you have with the spath will serve them energy even though they’re out of your life. Isn’t that why we have NC on a mental level also?
I’ve been searching for books about this topic, but can’t seem to find any. The gaslight effect mentions some and the mirroring neurons in our brain might also explain some of it but…
Wasn’t we discussing this in some other thread? How spath try to make you crazy, jealous and controlling so they’d feel better about them selves and you looking like the crazy one? I can’t remember who said it…. Crazy making= role switch?
Skylar said, “They want to trade places with you…When they’re done with you you are deeply in debt, weak, powerless and they walk away with the prize.”
That is exactly what they do and what has happened in my case. I was and am still going to school to finish my masters and he claimed that he was planning to do the same in the field of social work. He mirrored what I did, and who I was. I have been deceived into letting go much of who I was (with my church, my job, my family, school).
But my spath has learned that I haven’t given up the fight and that even all that he has put me through on my job, I am still working. I working to make sure I’ll have money and health insurance to support the son that I’m pregnant with by him. He also probably sees a way he could benefit from me having my baby. He committed welfare fraud in the past and went to prison for it. I refuse to give him the opportunity to destroy my child’s life too. If it weren’t for my parents getting involved, I’d be homeless right now because of him. I’m already a Jerry Springer case on my job because of him. He is much older than I am (similar to what Denise Michelle on youtube said in her video).
My spath wanted me for money, sex, and pleasure duping. When he was caught in a lie, he wouldn’t even say anything when standing face to face with me and if I didn’t bring the proof before his face, he’d continue lying with abandon. Now he calls me practically every day leaving these stupid voice mails claiming he loves me and the baby and wants to be a father to my child. I am debating on whether or not to change my phone number again, the timing of it all. I want phone proof that he keeps calling and to see how his attitude changes as time goes on in the voice mails so if he leaves a violent message, I can have a stronger basis for a restraining order. It sucks that law enforcement don’t take us seriously and allow this foolishness to go on. Even when my car was stolen, he lied to me at the police station and the cops refused to clear up the matter but told us to go home and talk things over. He told two stories that were conflicting and the cops wouldn’t even verify what he told them in the police report which was about my property!
Wok_chang:
I’m so sorry to hear your story. From what I read I see you are a strong woman and a clever one as well. I really do hope you can gather so much proof as possible, so you can be as free as you can from this man. ” He also probably sees a way he could benefit from me having my baby. ” – my first tried to make me pregnant as well, as a way to keep me connected to him. Either way a child is a blessing and I really do hope you are enjoying your pregnancy as best you can under the circumstances. I wish you well.
I was not exactly thinking how or why they do it, rather what happens in a detail level as such as spiritual. I’m a slow learner and need it in teaspoons.
I’m looking for the strategy, mechanisms, the individual pattern and the interaction between the two people’s patterns. I’m sorry to say, I’m a little detail freak 🙂
When I analyze things into pieces and see the strukture of it all, I go back in my memories, understand the situation, then look for my emotions, patterns and habits of reactions in it. When I’ve found it, I go thru it. Let my emotions play out. When I’m done I look at my patterns, and then change them. Then I am aware and can change the habit of response. Hard to explain…. I’m just looking for the details:)
This makes so much sense.
1. Sex – yes
2. I ended up doing everything as he decided he was too ill to do ti 9read too lazy) & I did it to try & run a normal life.
3.Yep!! He siddled his way into my flat without me having asked him. he was just ‘there’ and I didn’t know how to say no. His behaviour was beyond anything I’d encountered before. He also ‘merged’ our music collections without asking me, which I was a bit cross at as I wasn’t ready for that, but for him I suppose it was a way of worming his way into my life.
4. Not so sure about that. He was a biker so for me, he knew interesting people. My friends were more ‘normal’. Perhaps that was what he was looking for.
5. This manifested even more when I trained back into my design career. he realised I could make more money & thats when he really stopped ‘working’ as much (he has supported me for a few months while I retrained.
6. not sure about this one, except that I have an Irish background and he claimed to be irish. My mum later thought that perhaps he made himself out to be that so he was more ‘acceptable to me.
7. Possibly but not sure.
8. Definitely! He tried to use my skills by proxy to make him look more creative, taking all my photos from their albums to try & create a stock library or trying to develop creative projects that were supposed to make loads of money but ended up costing me over £1,200 as he didn’t have a clue what he was doing. He was good creatively, but had no finishing power as it were.
9. In a way. If I asked him not to do something, he would deliberately do it just to wind me up, or do the opposite entirely.
10. Yes, towards the end I wasn’t allow to cry if he’d upset me. He apparently had me by the throat at on point according to a friend, but I have no recollection of this. He would become verbally loud and throw stuff, to frighten me. There were also other ways he would manipulate me as well, but don’t want to go into those.
Yes I found that too about the role switching. After it was over I realised that he had sucked me into his behaviour patterns, I would fly off the handle at small things etc etc. I’ve worked hard to mend that and try very hard not to react to things, but sometimes out fo the blue I will if I’m caught off guard. I have to consciously try & step back.
I found by the end of the 10 years, I’d been sucked dry. I didn’t know who I was any more, had lost the ‘joy of life’ etc. again i’ve worked hard to change that, but every now & then I feel like there’s a tiny cancerous cell somewhere still waiting to take over and make me back into what I’d become. I just have to be vigilant
mine was “status”. my dreams was having lots of kids he moved us 50 miles away (isolation) he couldnt have kids and told me that after 17 yrs of marriage I did have a miracle baby. he said he married me for image, because how i dressed and my upbeat personality. we didnt have sex and I was kicked out of the bedroom yrs ago because I would not have weird sex act like a man , I think he has gay tendencies his brothers are gay, I did all the man stuff worked on house all the repairs etc…he really acted like a girl and had extreme mood swings I thought it was because he was a diebetic. he is very anti social
Feedup, sounds like the exspath that I’m divorcing! LOL
The cloak of respectability that I provided (along with the money) was what the exspath sought from me, primarily. But, the rest followed to a TEE. Donna hit the nail on the proverbial head with this article, and it REALLY helps to understand what it was that they wanted from their victims.
Once we know what it was that they wanted, it becomes an endeavor to recognize HOW they were able to then TAKE it from us. That’s where I am, now. It’s not so much about what he did, anymore – yeah, I refer to his behaviors and actions, but it’s now an education about myself and where my boundaries either failed or were nonexistent. It’s all about MY issues, now. He is what he is. I am choosing to not remain a victim or appear to be a perfect source target, again.
Brightest blessings
As a complete aside, I do not refer to the exspath as “my” ex-husband, “my” spath, or “my” anything. I am no longer associated with that parasite, and he isn’t “mine,” on any level! 🙂
Wow! Although mine definitely wanted in my purse, he even told me that he wanted me to teach him how to gain the respect of other people as I had. He told me that he was a good person, good to other people but didn’t understand why he was looked upon as a “nobody”. He was also extremely proud to have me, a successful, business woman on his arm. He introduced me to his friends and family in a manner that embarrassed me. He moved in with me right away. And, I was definitely his cover for a double life of sex, drugs and theft. He seemed to be having sex with a lot of waitresses in small diners who were struggling just to get by and he actually flaunted ME in front of them to make them feel inferior. I had no idea at the time that he was sleeping with these women but learned after he made his exit. And, when I saw that he definitely wanted in my purse, I am far from wealthy…he didn’t take me for millions or even thousands. I had a moderate income, new home, new car and good credit BUT it was more than he had ever had or probably will have. When I was dating him, one of his male co-workers (yes, he actually had a job at that time) tried to call it to my attention that some men would take advantage of a woman like me. I chuckled and asked what I had that a man could possibly take advantage of. He mentioned the new home, car, job, etc. I told him that I had a new double wide mobile home and a compact car with a sports package…a spoiler and sun roof and that I owed a fortune for both. He told me that it didn’t matter, it was MORE than a lot of men had. I really wish he hadn’t of presented his statements in such a general way. Apparently, he KNEW exactly what my ex s was up to. But, people are hesitant to get involved and that’s understandable.
tami:
Wow, that’s pretty pitiful.
The one I was involved with was the total opposite. He had all the money…the six figure career, huge house, Mercedes, BMW, everything. It was never about that with me. He was a snob…he didn’t need anyone else’s money. It was all about the duping delight and the power as he saw everyone else as stupid. Hmmmm, I kind of get it now. In a way, he is right…we are somewhat stupid and he used it to his great advantage. Now I sometimes feel like I HAVE become him…just like Skylar talked about above. I am working so hard on it and I have come a long way, but I have far to go.