A Lovefraud reader recently asked the following question:
If the sociopath is not in it for money (he pays for everything with no access to my accounts) then what are other reasons to stay in a relationship if he doesn’t live with me nor do we share anything financially? Many of the posts I have read involve financial fraud.
If a sociopath has targeted you, it’s because you have something that he or she wants. Often it’s money, but not always. Here are 10 more things that the sociopath may want:
1. Sex
Sociopaths crave stimulation, and sex is highly stimulating, so they pursue it. However, sociopaths are not slaves to their physical urges. They often use sex primarily as a tool of manipulation to get something else that they want.
2. Services
Sociopaths may want you to do something for them that they don’t want to do for themselves, such as cooking, cleaning and taking care of children.
3. Housing
Even if sociopaths don’t directly ask for money, they may suggest living together. They may say it’s because they love you, when, in fact, they have no place to go.
4. Entertainment
Perhaps you’re part of an exciting social scene. The sociopath may want to be with you just to gain access to the people you know.
5. Status
Hanging out with you may be good for their image, especially if you’re rich, famous, successful or competent. Your status boosts their status.
6. Image
Perhaps the sociopath needs a partner like you to complete the image that he or she wants to present to the company or community.
7. Cover
Your presence may help them get away with a hidden agenda. You may be providing cover for the sociopath to pursue a double life of sex, drugs or crime.
8. Connections
Sociopaths may use you, your skills and your connections in order to pursue their grandiose dreams or entrepreneurial plans.
9. Duping delight
Sociopaths enjoy getting over on people—this is called “duping delight.” They often manipulate, deceive and use people just for the fun of it. Some will seduce targets just so they can break their hearts.
10. Domination
Sociopaths feed on power and control, so they sometimes pursue domination for its own sake. They want to prove themselves more powerful than you, perhaps even powerful enough to destroy you.
If a sociopath targets you, it’s because he or she sees you as useful in some way. Once you are no longer useful, you’ll be dumped.
Torn, I am so sorry that she has wormed her way back into your life and your psyche.
She did it because she could – she knows precisely how to to manipulate and coerce, and she does it very well.
How you were victimized, again, is something that only you can sort out. I would suggest that she pried her way into your life when you were most vulnerable and needy – that was her “In Road.” As to why you’re exceptionally vulnerable might be a very, very good discussion to take up with a strong counseling therapist that “gets it.”
Sure, losing a parent and attempting to manage another parent’s medical conditions realy, really contributes to our sense of Self and vulnerabilities, but your’e still in the fray and she’s feeling comfortable enough with her skills that she’s involved your sister in her games.
OxD put it as simply as can be: No Contact is, at this point, your best offensive tactic so you can move on with your healing processes. Going no contact means BLOCKING every means that she has to send you a message or communicate with you. You don’t have to change your cell number or email – just block her numbers (all of them, family members, as well) from your accounts even if you have to pay for this security. Same with emails. And, if you find you have to change your email account, again, don’t give your address to your sister until she “gets it” about this woman.
No Contact also includes Third Party Contact. That is when sister starts telling you about how much the spath cares, etc. Stop that topic dead in the water by saying, “I will not discuss Miss Thang with you, under any circumstances. That subject is closed.” And, stick to it.
OxD is also spot-on about filling whatever personal void you have with another relationshit. That’s not the answer. Fill up that void with your Self – your soul and your own healing. Until we sort out our issues, entering into another relationshit has the WORST motives attached and can end in worse catastrophe than the previous disaster. I can say this from personal experience – I married 2 spaths, with the second one being far more cunning than the first abusive jackass.
Keep reading, Torn – keep reading and posting, and contact your local domestic violence hotline to see if there are any strong counseling therapists in your area that can help you to sort out your core issues. You can find your local hotline by visiting http://www.ndvh.org.
And, let me just put a stop to the Male Stigma, right now: female predators are (IMHO) far more adept at spath games than men, and males who are victims of female spaths and domestic violence/abuse live in FEAR of taking personal action because of stigma – stigma, 100%. Men are fearful of saying, “Yeah, I was taken advantage of and abused, on every level,” because they believe that this truth will be met with, “Well, what’s wrong with you that you can’t keep a handle on the little woman?”
Abuse is abuse, and spath games are the most abusive behaviors of all. And, here’s another fact that might be distasteful, but it’s true: once we know that we’re dealing with a “bad person,” we have a choice to recover and leave the spath behind, or not. Whatever they end up doing to us AFTER we recognize what they are falls on OUR shoulders if we choose to remain with them or let them back into our lives.
Brightest blessings
To Torn,
Hopefully you have access to a support group to help you through this?
Breaking up with a sociopath is harder than quitting smoking. Or quitting drinking, or drugs, or food addiction or any addiction. These people are so addicting. Yet, it can be done.
I am in a rural area and not much access to support groups. I basically had to grip the arms of my chair and grit my teeth. It’s now been 2 years with no contact.
I too had to deal with people trying to get me to go back with him. My neighbors heard Jim screaming at me and screaming at my son, and they didn’t see it as anything unusual. They said just tell him not to do that. I said he won’t stop. They said tell him again. I said he doesn’t listen. They said TELL HIM AGAIN! I said I will not waste my breath on that man. So the next time neighbors tried to ‘fix’ me up with Jim. I said no. They asked why not. I shook my head and looked at a passing car and said no. They asked if there was any chance I’d change my mind and I looked at a tree and said no.
I made my point. I’d rather stare at a cloud than discuss Jim with them.
The neighbors finally left me alone about it.
Your spath is using the same tricks. She is using the people closest to you to get to you.
She is using what you need to reel you in.
Jim was using what I need to reel me in. Home repairs. and a father for my son. I finally had to get to the point where I realized the home repairs were not being addressed while Jim bilked me for money. Jim was abusive towards my son, and was turning my son against me.
I said my son still doesn’t have a dad. The house still isn’t fixed. So why do I let Jim hang on?
I happily put jugs under the drippy faucet. I catch the drops in jug, and pour the water on the garden. Now that temps dropped I pour the water into the kettle on the wood stove.
Drippy faucet actually helps me cause I always hated filling the kettle on wood stove. This way it fills for me!
And, no dealings with Jim and owing him after I paid him.
Hello Everyone.
I am currently in the throes of post psychopath depression. I innocently thought I was through the worse. No contact since May 5th. The only crying I’ve done would be an unexpected outburst of tears..then would abruptly stop. She continues to attempt a connection. Text messages and coming out to my home. Bitch stole my walking stick from my front door last week!! I remain mute. My, what I thought was a close friend in AA, has stopped all contact with me. I feel ostracized from all the friends I had made here in AA. There is no doubt in my mind that she has had some bad things to say about me. As in I’m the crazy one. And I refuse to return to meetings because I know she would approach me and cause a scene..damned if I do and damned if I don’t, you know. It annoys me to no end that I am feeling sad. I know better. I keep screaming for the answers. Pretty sure one answer is that I am enough for me. And I absolutely know this. However, my eyes keep leaking.
Wasn’t sure where to post today. I always feel better, a little cradled, when I come here to visit. This woman wanted sex, a place to live, my computer skills, my contacts and good standing in the community, my heart, my care and my soul. That soul thing didn’t work out for her. She comes across to everyone exactly as she did with me, in the beginning. So sweet and personable, helpful, kind, blah blah and blah. And she can continue to fool them simply because she can. Until maybe she screws up. Meantime, I will continue to take care of me and love me, because I AM a truly wonderful and loving person.
Love and hugs to you all, Elizabeth
Hugs to you sisterseven! You will find new people to surround yourself with, better people.
Sisterseven, May and you honestly think you should be over it, by now? Cut yourself some slack, girl! For some, it takes years of recovery for their eyes to stop leaking.
You are posting strong, truthful words, and I think that you’re just experiencing what would be considered “normal” grief. Grief isn’t something that happens and suddenly goes away. It’s a long process.
So, be kind to yourself – kind. Let yourself know that you’re okay with however your healing processes play out.
But, I would suggest one thing: block her from all forms of technological communication, EVEN if you have to pay a fee to do it. No Contact, on every level.
Brightest blessings
sisterseven,
Thruthspeak is absolutely right! Give yourself at least a year to heal in its totality.
I was discarded end of April 2011, and went NC start of May 2011. By August until half October 2011 I was havng symptoms of depression: enough for my therapist to up my visits to once a week, though before she thought me very strong. But after that it started to get better as I started to have insights about myself and the aftermath period. Healing went rapidly after that. There were still some parts that needed healing, but it’s certainly not abnormal that the first half year to up to a year after going NC is very rough.
You sound strong! You’re gonna be ok. Check in here and with your therapist, and if you don’t have one yet, please get one.
Sisterseven, I think it’s important that you feel safe, that you have friends and supports you feel safe with. If you feel unsafe at AA meetings, go to a different meeting or don’t go. You may have to weight the benefits vs costs of going. It should help you to feel good, so if it’s not doing that, don’t go. Not all therapists are right or will give you that feeling of being understood. But if you can find the right one, they will probably be a lifeline for you. Please just do what you have to do to take care of yourself. And since you’ve been triggered, it’s okay to let the feelings come out, even in the safety of your own home. Like others said, give yourself some time, a break, and a big hug for all you have gone through.
I have a story to share and this seemed like an appropriate thread. The story is about spotting spaths but it also is about what they want.
Today, I went to breakfast alone at a cafe where a lot of older people dine. It was crowded and the counter had the sole empty seat in the place. The rest of the patrons at the counter were old men who like to hang out and shoot the breeze. There were about 7 of them. Most of them know each other and chat, others just read the paper. I sat in the center, feeling a bit out of place.
I know what that place is like so I did dress appropriately: baggy jeans, old red shirt with cement still stuck to it, hair unwashed and a bit matted, no makeup.
I sat and ordered. The guys were mostly making wisecracks at each other, while I put on my reading glasses and fixed my attention on my droid.
One really old guy was telling stories rather loudly. He said, “…blah blah, had an outhouse that hung over the river. It was a self-cleaning toilet!”
Everyone laughed. Then he said, “of course that was back when if you had kittens, you’d put them in a gunnysack and throw them in the river.”
It made me sick but I made no outward sign of having heard him. I stuck to my droid.
He continued, “but you had no choice back then, you HAD to.”
Some of the other guys tried to change the subject. They perceived that he had stuck his foot in his mouth, but that’s not what I perceived. He was aiming that comment at me. He wanted my emotions. Just a few minutes later, he said he had to go and walked out. A few guys said, “see you Dale”
Dale’s story-telling reminded me of my ex-spath. He loved to sit around and tell tales, entertaining crowds with his lies. The fact that I came in, a stranger in a crowd of familiar faces and a younger woman in a crowd of old geezers, made him salivate for a victim.
old spaths don’t stop being spathy, they just change their scripts.
Wok_chang:
Welcome to Love Fraud.
Let me make a suggestion about your baby….because the baby is a TIE to him, one that will HAUNT both you and your baby. I suggest that you say that he is NOT THE FATHER of your baby. Don’t put his name on the certificate, and IF he wants to have anything to do with thhe baby that he will have to go to court and get a court order for a DNA test, and that will all take time and money that he probably doesn’t have.
Even though he IS the father, if you SAY he is NOT when the baby is born, then hopefully, he will not stay in your child’s life to complicate and haunt the child. I don’t need a crystal ball to tell you that no matter how many court orders you had for child support from him, youj will never get a dime anyway. So leave the father blank on the certificate, and that way, too, when you eventually find a man who will love you and your child, then that man can adopt the child and the psychopath can’t stop it.
Good luck and keep on reading and learning about psychopaths.
I do suggest that you change your number again, and keep a LOG of the dates and times he tries to contact you…,.Just showing that you had to again change your number to try to get rid of him will help your case for a restraining order if you need one. Maybe though, he will go away with a bit of time and find a new victim. God bless.
Elizabeth, I agree wit the others, cut off all avenues of communication by changing numbers or whatever you must do.
If she shows up on your porch when you are there, call the police. Tell them there is an unwanted person banging on your door.
As for AA group being a problem, there are AA groups all over the place, go to another meeting.
AA does a lot of good, but it is UNFORTUNATE that there aer as they were drunk, so learn to avoid those people. I suggest that you read Donna’s RED FLAGS” book and learn those red flags,, they apply to friendships as well as love relationships. God bless.