UPDATED FOR 2024. We are allowed to recover from the trauma of a relationship with a sociopath. We are allowed to move on and start dating again. In fact, if we don’t move on, if we don’t take our lives back, we are still in the trauma. It is healthy to put an end to it.
A reporter was writing an article and sent out a query: “How do you know when to trust “your man”? I believe the answer is you can trust your man (or woman) when you can trust yourself.
Victim vibes
Of course, that is exactly what many of us who had multiple run-ins with sociopaths and other bad actors struggle with. How do we know that we’re no longer sending out the “I’m a victim” vibes?
I believe the answer is when we feel basically at peace. Work, friends, hobbies and kids are all good. We’re not lonely, empty or sad. All of this means that we are not looking for fulfillment from outside of ourselves. We are balanced and centered. This is the best place from which to start dating.
We get in trouble when we feel that we are not enough on our own, and we need another person in order for us to feel successful, validated or complete. It’s the desperation vibe, the neediness vibe, the incompleteness vibe, which attracts the predators. If we’re in a place where companionship would be a pleasant addition to our already reasonably okay lives, then we’re in a place where we can invite someone to join us.
This is really the biggest sign that we’re ready to move on. As we get ready to dip out toe into the dating pool, here are a few other tips to keep in mind.
Dating tips
1. Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior in dating situations. Keep in mind, however, that you may not see these behaviors right away. Sociopaths can successfully put on an act for quite a long time.
10 Signs that you’re dating a sociopath
2. If you ever see a behavior that makes you respond, “Huh? What was that about?,” pay attention. It may be a sign that the mask has slipped, just enough for you to catch a glimpse of what is really there.
3. Check the person out. It is now commonplace for people to Google potential partners right away, so don’t feel like you’re out of line by doing it. In fact, Google creatively. Check out the person’s name, employment, and any background information that he or she offers you.
4. Do not allow most of your relationship to be email, text or even phone. Experts estimate that 65% to 90% of the meaning in communication comes from nonverbal cues. With email, text and phone, these cues are missing, so we don’t get the full range of human communications. So what do we do? We fill in the gaps with what we want to believe. We fall in love with our own fantasies.
5. Avoid long-distance relationships. You want to be able to get together with this person easily, and, if it works out, frequently. You want to be able to meet friends and family, see his or her workplace, and spend time together in a variety of environments. If you can’t conveniently drive to get together, the relationship is probably a bad idea.
6. Do not throw away a perception. If some behavior or statement strikes you as odd or troublesome, do not let the person talk you out of it or explain it away. Do not let the person gaslight you into believing it never happened.
7. Consider what your friends and family say. If people are telling you that the guy or gal is bad news, they have a bad feeling, or any other negative feedback, at least listen. You may even have to solicit their opinions. Often people have reservations, but they don’t want to spoil your happiness, so they don’t say anything. Give people an opportunity to speak. However, if you have bad vibes, and your friends and family say you should give the person a chance, trust yourself.
8. Go slow.
9. Trust your instincts. We all have an internal warning system. If your stomach goes in knots, the hair on the back of your neck rises, or you feel fear, listen to yourself. Many of us felt the warnings before we became involved with sociopaths—the feeling that something wasn’t right—but we didn’t pay attention. Your body will tell you when someone should be avoided.
10. The first person you go out with may not be the love of your life, and that’s okay. Sometimes people come into our lives to help us continue to heal. You may have a few interim involvements before you find a person who has the potential to be a permanent partner.
It is possible to recover, to heal, to fall in love again. And I can tell you, the love I have with my husband now is richer and more fulfilling than anything I experienced before the sociopath.
There are plenty of good, empathetic and loving people out there. Don’t feel like you need to know how it will all turn out before you start. Let everything evolve, and pay attention to what you experience, and what you feel, all along the way.
Learn more: Lovefraud dating recovery bundle
Lovefraud originally posted this story on May 9, 2017.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: ‘O like Umbrella,’ and the shut down mechanism
Good points in this article. I agreed to let a person contact me by phone after we met online (dating service), and we had exchanged emails. I don’t think he is personality disordered, but I think I heard him say his own name (speaking in 3rd person about himself). Now I’m really creeped out by that. Even thought I am not certain of what I heard. So, according to the rules outlined above, I should tell this guy I don’t want to continue communicating with him?
Hi emkay61 – you should tell the person 1 time that you do not want to pursue an involvement. Do not give a reason or an excuse. If he contacts you after that, do not respond.
I love your articles Donna! Thanks for continuing to shed light on an issue that we are not given nearly enough information about particularly as we are growing up. I would like to add one clarification regarding today’s topic. I run a program for women involved with powerful wealthy abusers (WomenSV). After working with over 800 women I have seen many who are powerful, confident with high self-esteem and these very qualities are also attractive to a predator. Then over time, the predators works to erode these qualities. So whether we come from healthy or dysfunctional homes, anyone can fall prey to a charming, successful, powerful predator because they are that good. In fact the more intelligent someone is, the longer they tend to stay in that kind of relationship thinking they can figure it out and fix whatever’s not working.
Ruth2200 – I can confirm that many, many educated, professional women (and men) end up in abusive relationships. And yes, part of the reason that they stay so long is that they are accomplishment-oriented, and believe that they can figure out a way to make things right. But when the person is involved in a disordered relationship, the only real answer is leaving. And yes, many targets have seen their internal resources diminished intentionally by the predator.
I havent dated anybody, in the years since I divorced. And, just yesterday at a local steakhouse, a woman friend and i went to lunch there, and around a corner in the dining area, was the EX, his wife, his 2 brothers and wives, our oldest son, wife and boy and a few other assorted relatives. It shook me up bad, to take a table near them. Finally, my friend (who saw my upset) suggested we move to another table further away. It helped, but no much. I was upset that afternoon and night, and had my usual bowel upset as well until the next day. No, I dont want to date anybody, not when he can still upset me and my body like this.
p.s. the list of dating dos and donts IS very good; Im just NOT ready, and at this rate, I may never be.
Yes I would love to find a new relationship and remarry. I think that would help me move on from the trauma of my ex husband. I wanted to heal first after the abuse so during our separation and divorce plus one additional year after did not have any involvement at all with men. This was by choice as I wanted to give myself time and safety to heal first. I knew instinctively that there would be predatory men who would seize on my vulnerability in my healing phase and offer a “shoulder to cry on” with ulterior motives and that is the last thing I needed so I just stayed away from men altogether.
After four years I finally went “back on the market” expecting to find someone new quickly. Well that was a huge disappointment as I did not find anyone compatible even though I dated around for several years to meet new people. I would love to think that a new relationship/remarriage is still possible for me but at this point I have given up hope and stopped dating. This does result in me thinking back to my ex more because I am just lonely and I loved being married. I wish I could meet someone new and amazing but unfortunately I don’t think everyone is that lucky.
Sept4 – keep your hopes alive! The best way to bring that change about is to continue to work on your own healing. You’ve certainly done a lot of work. But we underestimate just how many wounds we are carrying around. So keep going. I talk about how to do this in many articles and videos. It’s a bumpy ride, but worth it. The more you can change your inner reality, the more you can draw what you want into your life.
Thank you so much Donna! And thank you for all the work you do to educate people on these disorders.