One of the defining characteristics of a sociopath is that they never take responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever their fault. Any problem they face is always caused by someone else, or circumstances beyond their control.
I’ll bet that a young sociopath invented the excuse, “The dog ate my homework.”
Early in my relationship with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he explained that his innovative business venture wasn’t built because “the government took his land.” Of course, he never mentioned the fact that he never owned the land, and never raised the money to buy the land. He just blamed the government for his business failure.
Since I launched Lovefraud, I’ve heard countless stories of sociopathic excuses for their problems and antisocial behavior, like these:
- I’m screwed up because I was abused as a child.
- It’s not my fault that I lost my job — the customer ticked me off.
- I’m not to blame for raping a 14-year-old — she threw herself at me.
- I quit because my boss is a moron.
- I got arrested because the cops had it in for me.
- My ex is mentally unstable — but I put up with her for years.
- My ex won’t let me see my kids because she’s a psycho b*tch.
- The government froze my bank accounts so I can’t access my money.
- I failed because the teacher hates me.
- The guy was so hot-looking that I had to sleep with him.
- The driver gave me a dirty look, so I had to speed past him.
- The dog wouldn’t stop barking so I had to kill it.
In making excuses like these, sociopaths have one or more of these related objectives:
- Playing the victim
- Blame shifting
- Gaining sympathy
They are trying to convince the target — that would be you — that they deserve to be believed, trusted or helped, because they are not responsible for whatever problems they face.
If someone who you believe may be a sociopath is making excuses, here’s what you need to keep in mind:
- Sociopaths lie a lot, so any excuse may be a total fabrication.
- Even if sociopaths aren’t lying, they always have an ulterior motive.
- The excuses are attempts at impression management, to convince you to give them what they want.
So what outrageous excuses have you heard from sociopaths? Add your examples to the list.
After dating a sociopath, the advice you need for your recovery
“She tricked me into getting her pregnant because she lived in a small backwoods town where there is nothing to do but have babies.” was said when I confronted him after finding out that he DID actually have a child. He never paid her child support either. A**hole.
Oh My Gosh they NEVER give you the facts, never. They always take the facts, edit them, add to the- until the facts fit the story that will make you cooperate with their present plans. I wouldn’t mind knowing how the facts of my previous ‘relationship’ were altered in order for him to groom and keep a new target. I think it would be interesting.
If their mouths are moving they are lying.
Yes. Big red flag! Things that were said became weapons later. It got to where I was a zombie, not sharing anything, out of fear it would be twisted later. I’m sure his new victim thinks I’m a lunitic. If I knew who she was I would be happy to enlighten her!
“I only married her to get over you…”
“You are the reason I drink, drug, smoke, cheat”
So, so many that I have blocked out and that I don’t want to think of again.
Bottom line, they don’t take responsibility for their own actions. We may all have moments of that but this is extreme.
Two months into the relationship she took another guy to the prom.
“I would take you. I really would. But I made my friend ____________ an unbreakable promise before we got together, that if I didn’t have a boyfriend when prom came around I would take him. I’m not sure where this is going with you. I really don’t. And he’s a really good friend…”
She used the fact that I hadn’t asked for a commitment yet as a loophole.
She tried to use reverse psychology to break up with me two days before I left for college overseas even though I gave her six months notice that I would be leaving.
Me: “So, I guess I’ll be calling and writing you for the next few months until I get back in November.”
Her: “No… You’re gonna go off to college, and you’re gonna meet someone really really nice, and move on!”
Me: ??? (heartbreak + tears)
Me: “What? I don’t wanna meet someone else. I don’t care about anyone else. I wanna be with you.”
Her: (disappointed face) “But I don’t wanna be in a long distance relationship.”
After a few tears and begging on my part she gave in and gave it a chance (or so I thought).
I suspect that she cheated the whole time I was away even though she was supposed to be a virgin and a devout christian.
Excellent post! I hope it’s o.k. to add to a couple of the examples.
First, re: the first example- if you listen to this excuse awhile, you might see a sense of entitlement in it- while I certainly have compassion for anyone who truly was abused, these individuals use the word often to mean ‘didn’t always get their own way’ and/or ‘didn’t always get what they wanted.’ It’s like they felt they deserved their own way and everything they wanted. Later on it expands to cover lack of cooperation from others- ‘you’re not doing what I want, that’s Abuse!’
Second, re: the exes part- heard comments like “I just thought of THEM ALL as whores,’ ‘THEY were ALL psychos,’ etc.- not a single positive thing to say about anyone they’d been involved with. I think it says less about their ‘choices’ than about the way they see women in general.