One of the defining characteristics of a sociopath is that they never take responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever their fault. Any problem they face is always caused by someone else, or circumstances beyond their control.
I’ll bet that a young sociopath invented the excuse, “The dog ate my homework.”
Early in my relationship with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he explained that his innovative business venture wasn’t built because “the government took his land.” Of course, he never mentioned the fact that he never owned the land, and never raised the money to buy the land. He just blamed the government for his business failure.
Since I launched Lovefraud, I’ve heard countless stories of sociopathic excuses for their problems and antisocial behavior, like these:
- I’m screwed up because I was abused as a child.
- It’s not my fault that I lost my job — the customer ticked me off.
- I’m not to blame for raping a 14-year-old — she threw herself at me.
- I quit because my boss is a moron.
- I got arrested because the cops had it in for me.
- My ex is mentally unstable — but I put up with her for years.
- My ex won’t let me see my kids because she’s a psycho b*tch.
- The government froze my bank accounts so I can’t access my money.
- I failed because the teacher hates me.
- The guy was so hot-looking that I had to sleep with him.
- The driver gave me a dirty look, so I had to speed past him.
- The dog wouldn’t stop barking so I had to kill it.
In making excuses like these, sociopaths have one or more of these related objectives:
- Playing the victim
- Blame shifting
- Gaining sympathy
They are trying to convince the target — that would be you — that they deserve to be believed, trusted or helped, because they are not responsible for whatever problems they face.
If someone who you believe may be a sociopath is making excuses, here’s what you need to keep in mind:
- Sociopaths lie a lot, so any excuse may be a total fabrication.
- Even if sociopaths aren’t lying, they always have an ulterior motive.
- The excuses are attempts at impression management, to convince you to give them what they want.
So what outrageous excuses have you heard from sociopaths? Add your examples to the list.
After dating a sociopath, the advice you need for your recovery
You are going to find a pair of pajamas and other things in the drawer of the dresser. Those belonged to someone I used to work with, she used to stay here with me when she had to travel for work, to save $ on motels (the company they worked for provided rooms for her when she had to travel!). Then later, every once in a while, they would have a text-fest, and she would call sometimes…hmmmm…
My ex-wife divorced me and stole my kid. She said I was abusive. She hid my kid from me. Just because I beat the crap out of her new husband in front of the kid…that doesn’t make me abusive!
I lost my job because I got hurt at work. It wasn’t my fault, I was following procedure and not violating safety rules, but yet I didn’t file a workman’s comp report, or ask the company to pay for my doctor bills.
“I shouldn’t have said that” After a year of dating a man and just finding out he is married. He told me he wanted to date me, was divorced 9 years ago… Acting like he is so innocent. A year of my life being mind f–ked and emotionally raped.
Lot’s of gas lighting and blame shifting when I confronted him!
He told me that his soon to be ex-wife was unhinged, and that she was going to “take him to the cleaners” in the divorce unless I told her that he was faithful to her, even during their separation. I refused to lie. I also smelled a rat – that just did not make sense to me – especially because he told me SHE was the one who cheated on him and left him lonely and sad.
I told him that did not add up. A few days later she sent me a text. (She had gotten my number from the cell phone bill on their ‘family plan’ account.) According to HER, he wanted to get back together, but she was having trouble trusting his claim of faithfulness.
The next time he called me I confronted him about the discrepancy in their statements. “Is it wrong for me to try to save my marriage?” he asked, neatly stepping over his duplicity. “Of course not,” I said, “but it is not exactly honest, is it?”
True, but what a lukewarm rebuke.
“[N]ot exactly honest”…That was the best reply I could come up with? I was still trying to get my money back from him, but REALLY? In reality, it would not have mattered what I said, a snake is still a snake. And, sadly, I already knew my money was long gone…
The person (a former school friend)I no longer have any contact with used to blame women for all of the problems in his life, mad exes were a feature.
Even though he would pride himself on manipulating women in relationships with other men into having affairs with him he would still find ways of making it sound like their fault, he would say how it was him that was easily manipulated sexually and that these horrible women only used him for sex when in fact it was definitely the other way around, and he would blame them for exploiting his alcoholism to get him to have affairs with them, one time I remember him actually saying “they know I’m an alcoholic, one bottle of wine and I’m too drunk to say no”, I came to realise that actually it will have been the other way round, he had a habit of drinking excessively things like Jack Daniels and vodka so a bottle of wine to him would have had little to no effect, I called him out on this and was met with righteous indignation and the “you don’t know what it is like to be me” speech. And there was a lot more than just these instances, but it would take hours to write them down.
I know that others had spotted the same things as i had done when i ended up chatting with a friend of mine from school who had been in the same class as us, this person works in early intervention and when someone in a job like that says “I can’t have anything to do with someone like him because it could put my job or career at risk” then you know you are doing the right thing in getting out of a friendship with an spath, this person had been a close friend with the spath at school, other former classmates also won’t have anything to do with him either also because of their professions (teachers, nurses etc) and the risk to thier careers too if he were to get into trouble.
He was very predatory and I would consider him very dangerous something I don’t take lightly in saying.
My husband’s photography business never got off the ground because I wouldn’t quit my career to become his receptionist. Never mind that he never saved the money for it and wound up selling all of his equipment to buy drugs.
Watch out for statements starting with the word, “You . . . ” and sometimes they are also literally pointing their finger at you!
This one was classic: if I don’t draw blood or break a bone, it’s not abuse.
being blamed for something HE broke, alone with a tractor, truck/a piece of farm equipment..while I was at the house, or 20-40 miles away, shopping for groceries. Or being given a list (verbally, I had to learn to write things down, so I could prove what he said)..to take to a local vet for animal supplies. God help me, if I screwed up that trip to town. And sometimes he’d argue with what I wrote on the list..I couldn’t win even when I tried. Everything was MY FAULT.