How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do not expect the truth in an oral trial

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Editor's Note: The Lovefraud reader who write as "Jofary" relates her experience with a sociopath in Canadian divorce court. I first participated on this site three years ago when I learned that my daughter, then only a toddler, was being sexually molested by her father (my ex). Up until that point, I was dealing with things in the typical way. I had caught my ex cheating on me and, when our son was only three months old, he immediately moved in with his mistress, who herself had extricated herself from her fifteen year stable marriage, believing my ex to be her “best friend and soul mate.” That was extremely distasteful in and of itself but, given my ex's contributions (or lack thereof) …

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BOOK REVIEW: A Dance With the Devil

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Barbara Bentley was 35 years old and divorced back in 1981, when Admiral John Perry swept into her life. She met him at a dinner party hosted by a friend. The admiral dominated the conversation with his stories—he'd lied about his age to get into World War II and became one of the original Navy SEALs. He was a naval aviator during the Korean War, and flew with the Blue Angels. Then, during the Vietnam War, he commanded swift boats fighting on the rivers. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor for saving some of his men when their position was overrun by the enemy. Afterwards, he did clandestine work for the federal government, going places where it would be better if the American p …

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Psychopathy, empathy and moral agency: Lessons from autism

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If there is one thing that gets me argumentative it is statements like this one that appeared in a recent research paper: "non-incarcerated psychopaths have an arguably equal potential to illuminate our understanding of the emotional difficulties, such as lack of empathy and lack of conscience, which underlie psychopathy and which lead to offending behaviour." (emphasis mine) Now I agree that we can learn from non-incarcerated psychopaths, I wrote recently about a well designed study where sociologists conducted interviews of some. But I cannot believe that statements like the one above make it through editorial review for another reason. Researchers in psychology have spent the last 50 …

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Emotional and psychological abusers: Coping with chaos and losing your balance

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By AlohaTraveler I work at a children's shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” firs …

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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 5-Getting Angry

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Healing from an emotional trauma or extended traumatic experience is a like a long, intimate dance with reality. Or perhaps a three-act ballet. We are on the stage of our own minds, surrounded by the props of our lives, dancing to the music of our emotions. Our memories flash on the backdrop or float around like ribbons in the air. Down below the stage, in the orchestra pit, a chorus puts words to the feelings and gives us advice drawn from our parents' rules, our church's rules, all the rules from the movies and books and conversations that have ever colored our thinking. And our job is to dance our way through the acts. The first act is named “Magic Thinking.” We stumble onto the sta …

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Sociopaths and opiate addiction

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Heroin and oxycontin belong to a class of drugs called opiates. Lovefraud recently received a letter from a reader that raised the issue of heroin addiction in sociopaths: For nearly two years after my relationship with him ended, I was on the web researching heroin addiction because I assumed this was where all of his abusive behavior came from, but I stumbled upon information on sociopaths, and realized that he fits every trait”¦I know substance abuse behavior can mimic sociopathic behavior, but it is clear that the man I was in a relationship with is a sociopath, and was able to use his addiction as an explanation and excuse to further manipulate the many people who offered help to him”¦ …

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The Borderland of Narcissism and Sociopathy

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In a prior post, I discussed some differences between the narcissist and sociopath, a focus I'd like to continue in this post. For convenience's sake, I'm going to use “he” and “him” throughout, although we can agree that “she” and “her” could easily be substituted. The narcissist, if I were to boil his style down to one sentence, is someone who demands that his sense of self (and self-importance) be propped-up on a continual basis. Without this support—in the form of validation, recognition, and experiences of idealization—the narcissist feels depleted, empty, depressed. The narcissist struggles to define himself independently and sustainedly as significant and worthwhile. The fragilit …

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Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths

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Ever since the beginning of recorded history, humans have been trying to understand and explain the mysteries of love and sex. Over the past few decades, scientists started using specialized equipment to measure physical arousal by attaching devices to private parts. More recently, they've been observing the most important romantic organ in the human body—the brain. Forbes wrote about the research of Andreas Bartels, Ph.D., at the Imperial College of London. Bartels used a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) machine, which can capture images of brain activity, to pinpoint the areas of the brain that are activated by love. Bartles did a study of 17 people who were madly in l …

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RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: Online predators aren’t who they say they are

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Editor's Note: Lovefraud's Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud's Professional Resources Guide. They Aren't Who They Say They Are By Skipp Porteous, Sherlock Investigations Skipp Porteus profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide People contact Sherlock Investigations every week that have been taken by someone they met online. To make matters worse, the perpetrators die off before the benefactors even realize that they've been had. We've all heard of the Nigerian scams. (It's amazing how many people still fall for them.) They contact you by email claiming to be the wife, husband, son, or daughter of someone who had control of a lot …

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A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath

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I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing. I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it. It's been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. …

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