For purposes of simplicity I will be using “he” throughout this post to designate the abuser and “she” to designate the abuse victim. We can all agree that males are also abused in relationships by females. One of the insidious (and enabling) aspects of abuse is that the abuse victim often lacks a credible witness to the abuse that is occurring (or has occurred). “Witnessing” is the act of validating, of believing, the victim's presentation of her trauma. It is the willingness to face, not turn away from, the victim's experience of her experience. The abuse victim often lacks a mature, credible witness to validate the abuse as existing as a real problem—a real problem that is called “abus …
Another Way of Looking at Things
By OxDrover In the book Games People Play, by Dr. Erick Berne, M.D., he explains what he calls “strokes,” or social exchanges. It has long been known that people require social interaction with other people and that this is a biological requirement for life itself in some cases. In orphanages, children whose basic physical needs are met, but who are not held and cuddled, literally die from a condition called “failure to thrive.” The term “stroke” can be used as a general term for any intimate physical contact, but in practice it may take many forms, including conversation and recognition of another's presence. In Dr. Berne's opinion, “any social intercourse (even negative intercourse) …
After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 2-Painful Shock
Imagine a book, a novel, that begins with an explosion on the first page. The explosion disintegrates big things into fragments moving away faster than the eye can follow. There is no way to understand what it means, or know what the world is becoming. The people in the book are either immobilized, their stunned brains on autopilot, trying to gather information. Or they are rushing everywhere, trying to find something to save before the dust even settles. In the background, other people may be fainting or crying. But this book is about the people who are alert, struggling to maintain their identities in a falling-apart world. This is where traumatic healing begins. The trajectory of …
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Realities only family members know
Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered. A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and th …
The gift of forgiveness
By Peggy Whoever Today I had an epiphany, certainly my first, and perhaps the only one I shall receive in this lifetime. I consider myself blessed. I equate this epiphany, an almost supernatural experience, as being akin to what someone on LSD may have experienced, whereby every nerve ending, and the synapses within every cell is felt at a deep sensory level, where there is a oneness and synchronicity within me and outside of me, a oneness with the universe. (No, I have never experimented with drugs!) I equate this feeling with Abraham Maslow's study of “peak experiences”. This is a rare moment, sometimes a once-in-a lifetime vision, comprehension, and/or deep level of spirituality. …
BOOK REVIEW: Hi Gorgeous! The first words of sociopathic seduction
Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, "Hi Gorgeous!" For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman's sympathies. Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It's a classic story of sociopathic victimization. Exotic dancer Dean tells h …
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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 1-The Path
A relationship with a sociopath is a traumatic experience. The definition of physical trauma is a serious injury or shock to the body, as with a car accident or major surgery. It requires healing. On an emotional level, a trauma is wound or shock that causes lasting damage to the psychological development of a person. It also requires healing. To some degree, we can depend on our natural ability to heal. But just as an untreated broken bone can mend crooked, our emotional systems may become “stuck” in an intermediate stage of healing. For example we may get stuck in anger, bitterness, or even earlier stages of healing, such as fear and confusion. This article is about my personal ideas abo …
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Over use of the term psychopath/sociopath?
With the release of the Mask of Sanity in the 1940s Dr. Hervey Cleckley began the quest to describe a syndrome called psychopathy, in which affected individuals prey on others without remorse. Since people affected by the syndrome are socially disordered the syndrome has also been called sociopathy. Dr. Robert Hare extended the work of Cleckley and carefully documented the symptoms of the disorder. All this research has lead to two basic conclusions: 1. It is quite remarkable that individuals who choose a lifestyle of remorseless predation of other people are so similar in their behaviors and personality traits. 2. Equally important is the idea that non-disordered people do not “regularly” …
Evaluating An Unknown Provider’s Expertise in Sociopathy
I write this column (using "he" throughout, for simplicity purposes) to suggest some useful ideas for vetting a prospective provider who does not come recommended through a reliable source (or through Donna Anderson's growing new LoveFraud referral base). How can you begin to assess a relatively unknown provider for his competence to address your experiences with a suspected sociopath specifically, exploiter in general, or otherwise personality-disturbed individual? Let me start by suggesting that a provider who claims to be educated about sociopathy really isn't if he lacks an equally fluent understanding of narcissistic and borderline personality disorder. The reason I say this is …
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Washed Out and Wrung Out: The Effects of Stress
By Ox Drover Since I have been in the medical profession for many years as a Registered Nurse Practitioner (now retired) I have been interested in the reactions our bodies and our minds have from stress. Stress is a contributing factor to poor health and decreased immune response. Increases in the frequency of infection for individuals with a high level of stressful events in their lives have been well researched by many researchers. It is also well proven that our thinking and ideal mental responses are also diminished by high levels of stress. Stress is not just the negative things that happen to us, but according to researchers Holmes and Rahe, stress is the result of “life events.” I …