Well — what a week it's been! Last Wednesday I received the all-clear from my biopsy, and what a massive relief it was”¦ So massive that I hadn't fully understood how much I had been stressing over the whole episode. Yes, I know, it's only natural to feel anxious over the potential of discovering a life-threatening illness, but I hadn't appreciated just how much I'd been holding in, boxing off, pushing away so that I could deal with life on a day-to-day basis. It took a good couple of days for the good news to sink in, and since then I've felt more ”˜alive' and full of beans than I have done for a long time. It's only now that I'm feeling lighter and brighter, that I realize just how tense …
Differentiating the sociopath from the borderline from the narcissist
Man, it's not easy out there. Your partner clearly has a major personality disturbance, but sometimes separating borderline, narcissistic and sociopathic behavior can be hard. Real tough. Especially when there are spill-over behaviors, cross-contaminating behaviors and attitudes (as there often are) that further muddy the diagnostic waters. Let's look at rage, for instance. Rage is a major marker of the borderline and narcissistic personality. Sociopaths, being essentially malignant, high-end narcissists, like any full-blown narcissist, are also capable of frightful, bullying, abusive rages. The borderline's rage, much like the narcissist's, tends to be elicted by disappoinment. And it's …
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The sociopathic syndrome
I recently heard from a man, whom we'll call "Jeff," who wanted to know if the woman he was involved with, "Amanda," was a sociopath. It started as a friendly involvement, with Jeff trying to help Amanda out. Amanda, who was from a foreign country, called Jeff her "best friend." Jeff eventually started to have feelings for her. But then came a series of unsettling experiences: Amanda made pornographic videos, which were posted on the Internet. Amanda worked as an escort. Jeff offered to pay her rent, so she wouldn't have to be an escort, and Amanda agreed—and continued being an escort anyway. Then Jeff asked Amanda to sign a contract promising that she wouldn't be an escort. She s …
Born bad
Two young girls adopted by a loving British couple took after their criminal biological mother. For the adoptive parents, it was a disaster. Read When Cherry adopted these 'angelic' sisters she thought a loving home would heal the wounds of their troubled past. how terrifyingly wrong she was, on DailyMail.co.uk. Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader. …
The Red Flags of dysfunction
Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) After reading Donna's newest book on the 10 Red Flags of spotting psychopaths, I got to thinking that there are Red Flags in our own lives that we should also take notice of and avoid. When we first start the “journey toward healing,” and I do think it is a journey, not a destination, we have to learn the things about ourselves that we need to change in order to live a healthy life, one free of psychopaths and other abusers. Our journey started out in learning the behavior of the psychopaths and abusers so we could spot these people who will not change their bad behavior, but it ends up being learning about ourselves, and how our own behavior contributed t …
LETTERS TO LOVE FRAUD: When life ain’t fair
Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader called “Adelade.” Her previous post is "This is the time for me to learn who I am." I'm having a really tough time, these days. The divorce hearing is coming down to the wire, and I am very fearful that the sociopath ex-husband is going to walk away from his crimes, unscathed. Last week, I had a discussion with someone whose husband is an attorney. She works in his office whenever she can to help him with his busy practice. We were discussing the facts of my divorce, and she said several things that caused a mild onset of anxiety, but I began to cogitate about the US and State legal systems that have not been ove …
When the sociopath isn’t wearing a mask
The concept of the sociopath as “masking sanity,” originally from Hervey Cleckley, MD, and since as confirmed and elaborated by other experts, is certainly chilling, great, profound and often-times apt. But I'd suggest we be careful not to apply it too indiscriminately. In other words, not all sociopaths “wear masks” in the classic sense of Cleckley's concept. For this reason, if you're looking for “masks” as a prerequisite to confirming the sociopath, you risk missing the sociopath. Some sociopaths are more manifestly who they are—sociopaths. They aren't “masking” much of anything. They aren't necessarily taking brilliant precautions to conceal themselves. Like many human beings the …
Three Years After The Psychopath
This weekend marked an anniversary for me. It was three years to the day since I discovered the trail of emails that was to lead me to the truth about my ”˜soul mate' of ten years. Three years since my entire world shattered round me, leaving me lost and alone to deal with the ugly, frightening truth. I remember so clearly the evening I found the black and white proof that my marriage was nothing but a sham. Reading one email after another, I remember literally holding my throat and gasping for air. Pushing down my nearly overwhelming desire to be sick, and doing my best to control the shaking in my legs while my heart pumped in my mouth. I got through those first few days on pure ad …
Is your stonewaller a sociopath, or someone else? Stonewalling, Part II
I wrote in my last article about stonewalling, that nefarious process (and pattern) of shutting down a partner's communication either aggressively, or passive aggressively, the effect of which is to leave the “stonewalled” partner feeling voiceless, alone, dismissed, negated as a person. Many sociopathic personalities stonewall, but many stonewallers aren't sociopaths, so how do you tell the difference? What are some signs that your partner's stonewalling is an aspect of his “sociopathy” versus, say, his high “conflict-avoidant” personality? Clearly some individuals are terrible at dealing with communication in general and conflict in particular. Their stonewalling may be mainly avoidan …
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Sociopaths, sex and power
Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that's how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in. The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love. The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they're capable of feeling attraction. And they're capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they're looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person's welfare, which is a key component …