UPDATED FOR 2024. Shock. Confusion. Disbelief. These are common experiences when you’re romantically involved with a sociopath. The sociopath’s behavior in your relationship makes no sense.
You ask yourself, or your friends, or your therapist, questions like:
- “How can he be talking about getting married one day and ghost me the next?”
- “How can she be so mean and cruel and then act like nothing ever happened?”
- “How can he tell me that he loves me while he’s cheating with someone else?”
Sociopathic behaviors are so confusing because your expectations about what a romantic relationship is, and how people who are supposed to be in love treat each other, are totally different from those of the sociopath.
You believe that when people are in love, you are good and kind to each other. You treat each other with respect. You support and value each other. You don’t lie, and you don’t intentionally hurt each other.
Your sociopathic partner, you discover, doesn’t share these beliefs. Here’s what you need to understand:
1. Sociopaths are fundamentally incapable of love
What is romantic love? You may experience it as a burning desire to be with your beloved, and yes, that’s part of it. But scientists have explored this question, and they’ve identified three components of romantic love.
The first component is attachment — that’s your desire to spend time with your partner. The second component is sex — which should be self-explanatory.
The third component is caretaking. If you love someone, you want to help and protect them. You want them to be happy, healthy and successful. You want what’s best for them.
Sociopaths are capable of the first two components — they want to be with you, and they certainly want sex. But they do not do caretaking. Sociopaths cannot be legitimately concerned about someone else’s wellbeing. They cannot put someone else’s interests before their own. This applies to everyone, including their own children.
The core of sociopathic personality disorders is the inability to authentically love.
2. Sex for a sociopath is only about stimulation
Many people report that sex with the sociopath is the best they’ve ever had, at least in the beginning of the relationship. If this was your experience, you may have interpreted your earth-shattering sex as an indication of your deep and profound love.
Don’t count on it.
Sociopaths are often, although not always, skilled lovers. Here’s why:
- All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone, which drives them to seek sex.
- All sociopaths crave stimulation, and sex is about the most stimulating of human activities. They start young and engage frequently, so they get a lot of practice.
- Sociopaths have no inhibitions and nothing is off-limits, which can make sex with them very exciting.
For sociopaths, sex has nothing to do with love. They like sex because they want the physical stimulation. They also know that if they can hook someone sexually, it’s easier to exploit them.
3. A sociopath’s objective is exploitation
You enter a romantic relationship because you want to share love, support and companionship. A sociopath enters a romantic relationship in order to take advantage of you. Right from the very beginning, you are targeted. Here’s how this works:
First, when sociopaths meet you, they figure out if you have something that they want.
Read more: Love Fraud — How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, by Donna Andersen
If the answer is yes, they figure out what your vulnerabilities are. They do this by asking deep, probing questions. You feel like they want to know all about you. Actually, they are looking for the deepest place within you to set their hooks.
Finally, they use your vulnerabilities in order to establish the relationship, and then they convince you to give them what they want.
Remember this: Sociopaths always have an agenda.
4. The sociopath’s loving behavior is all an act
In the beginning of an involvement, sociopaths engage in love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection. They tell you how wonderful you are. They want to be with you all the time. While they’re still reeling you in, they appear to be kind and considerate.
After some time, you may see flashes of rudeness or anger. The behavior seems out of character, so you assume your partner is simply having a bad day.
Then the sociopath turns on you. You are shocked to find yourself criticized, denigrated and abused. You wonder how the sociopath can suddenly shift from over-the-top affection to complete devaluation.
The truth is that the love and caring you saw in the beginning was a charade designed to hook you. The cruelty and contempt you are seeing now is your partner’s true character.
5. Sociopaths only want power and control
Most human beings seek relationships with other people in order to feel connected and attached. We find companionship, support and a sense of community to be intrinsically rewarding.
Sociopaths do not. Sociopaths engage in romantic relationships only to exert power and control over their partners. Sometimes it’s a money scam. Sometimes the partners serve as cover for their double lives. Sometimes they initiate romances just for the fun of breaking their partner’s heart.
Sociopaths like being puppeteers. They want to pull the strings and watch other people jump.
This is why the sociopath’s behavior in your relationship makes no sense. What the sociopath wants out of the relationship is the total opposite of what you want, and this will never change. That’s why, when you realize you’re involved with a sociopath, the best solution for you is to get out.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this article on July 9, 2018.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I want the woman back that I fell in love with, but I know it is impossible
“…this will never change.” Because they are incapable of change. They are hard wired as to who they are and are very satisfied with themselves so despite that their relationships are continually failing, there is absolutely no motivation to change. Even, if somehow they wanted to (they caught a glimpse of what it is like to feel emotion) and wanted to try. Ha! No, they feel they are a superior race and we are full of weaknesses due to having emotions-the very thing that connects us to one another. It is the very thing they exploit. The best they can do is to pretend and mimic emotions and pleasant behavior around you until something more stimulating and shiny comes along. When you lose your sparkle to them or they achieve their targeted goal, it is on to the next source of fuel.
What helps in my recovery is to know our ability to feel emotion is also what I believe to know what it is to be human. Sociopaths are less human than the rest of us and will never feel anything but superficial connections with anyone…and those will always be fleeting at best. I have many deep emotional connections with people and animals and am grateful for it.
I totally agree with this article, there is no way to avoid being harmed by these people. Anyone who bombards you with excessive affection should immediately be suspect. No one is THAT into you, as fantastical as it may feel, it is simply a deliberate attempt to get you under their spell. You are being targeted for exploitation.
Thank you for your comment about socios being subhuman. I have described them that way to people for a while now. I even wrote in a draft of my victim impact statement that I believe personhood is defined by empathy (among other things), and that by that standard dolphins and gorillas are closer to people than my ex is. I wish I could say he’s not a human, but the DNA is what it is. But they’re just so damn alien, we AS PEOPLE simply cannot wrap our heads around the complete absence or fundamental understanding of empathy. It’s also interesting you used the term “superior race”, because my ex has a white power sort of tattoo (which was explained away of course as having to survive in prison) and was very racist. I hated that about him and I thought I could change it because I thought he’d be capable of understanding the plights of minorities if he’d had such a tough life of his own. I thought if I explained why I was hurt by each of his building actions that he would understand that he shouldn’t ever hurt me. THEY. WANT. TO HURT YOU. They don’t mean it when they say they didn’t mean it. They ALWAYS to do the terrible things they do and NEVER mean any apologies or remorse or crocodile tears.
They. Cannot. Do not. And will not. Change. Not for you. Not for their parents they ‘love’ so much. And not for themselves. This took me so long to hammer into my own head, but please anyone reading this that still has those “maybe” thoughts, please repeat that to yourself.
Good morning rosebud,
“THEY.Cannot. Do Not. And Will not. Change. Not for you. Not for their parents they “‘love’ so much. And not for themselves.” This is VERY WELL PUT and to that to that I can add:
THEY WILL NOT FOR THEIR CHILDREN. NOR BELOVED FAMILY PETS. THEY CHANGE FOR NO ONE.” THEY ARE USERS AND ABUSERS. PERIOD.END.
I am 65, married in 1981 and in 2014 had my then H removed from my home for Domestic Violence. By the GRACE OF GOD, my youngest was home at the time, she called the police, and more drama ensued as he lied and tried to say I kicked him in the groin and punched him. MORE SHOCK & CONFUSION- THESE INDIVIDUALS WILL STOP AT NOTHING IN AN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY ANYONE WHO GETS IN THEIR WAY OR TRIES TO EXPOSE THEM. THEY ARE VERY DANGEROUS CHARACTERS and their ability to lie and try to con their way out of their behavior is NOTHING SHORT OF ASTOUNDING & BIZARRE.
THEY. WILL. STOP. AT. NOTHING. PERIOD!
I often shudder at the thought of “what if, our daughter had not been home to witness the incident and to the truth of what had taken place that rainy evening in December of 2014… and shine the light of truth on HIS atrocious behavior to the police officers.
These individuals have the capacity to be so cunning and believable. I could have been arrested that evening and as an Early Childhood Educator for 41 years and the owner of a small developmental preschool in MA, at the VERY least, I would have lost my teaching license & and would had had the license for preschool revoked for assault let alone PERHAPS found myself in jail… FOR A CRIME I DID NOT COMMIT. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach and enrages me. THE DECEIT, CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION THESE INDIVIDUALS CAN CREATE is REVOLTING AND IT IS TERRIFYING.
The hearings and subsequent court appearances with Clerk Magistrates,Judges, DA’s and Victim’s Witness Advocates that we have now gone before and have worked with since 2014 because of HIS BEHAVIORS and his subsequent violations of these restraining orders have been nothing short of exhausting but yet- validating for us. WE HAVE BEEN HEARD… FINALLY.
After his breaking the restraining Order the 1st time he was sentenced to probation and required to attend a certified batterer’s intervention. But… as we all know.. this means nothing to these individuals. THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY. He has now broken the restraining order a second time, NOT GOOD FOR HIM – but good for us. With most recent violation,# 2, he has broken his probation requirements and a new hearing is scheduled on the 24th of July. His probation officer is wonderful and she “gets it”. This does not bode well for him. NO RESPECT FOR ANYONE- not even THE COURT. It was only a matter of time.
“TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE” IS THEIR THINKING at the expense of anyone and anything. THEIR BLACK AND WHITE THINKING IS OUTRAGEOUS & TERRIFYING.Totally Mind boggling.
I will be forever grateful to my daughter, who was 27 yrs old at the time, for having the fortitude she displayed that raining and dismal evening in December, 2014. She has continued to walk in her light, showing strength of character, resilience and true grit.
To those still wondering what happened to them: what changed, is it me, can I fix this… the answer is:
NO… YOU CAN NOT, GET OUT AND GET SUPPORT FROM A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL and keep educating yourself. BE sure to find a professional that is trained and thoroughly understands character and personality disorders/disturbances. Always Remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I sat in a therapists chair for years… trying to understand ” why he acted the way he did, why he had the capacity to be so cruel… WHAT WAS WRONG? Why he did things and then could act as if he did nothing wrong and try to go back and act “normal”after the silent treatment. Any questioning on my part only led to more contempt and blame. “I was too sensitive, I was the angry person,I was not a Good Christina” and blah, blah,blah. oh yes… it was always my fault or the fault of whoever questioned him, challenged him or tried to hold him accountable. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR!
I knew it wasn’t my fault but none the less… I got stuck trying to “understand the behavior and the madness- FOR YEARS ON END. TRAGIC.
Marriage counseling was suggested by my therapist and it was a VERY BIG MISTAKE. The only thing that came out of that was he got more information how to hurt me and our family members and he received a diagnosis of ADHD … but I knew there was far more than that! I was unaware of these disorders. I was confused and at times dazed… but clear something was wrong and very frustrated. Initially, the diagnosis provided a slight glimmer of hope for me… though I now liken it now to be nothing more than a heaping platter of “TOXIC HOPE” as more subtle abuses of the kind I could NEVER HAVE EVER imagined… insidious tactics of power and control used against me, our 3 daughters and equally sad and tragic…our beloved pets… and that was the point the abuse REALLY RAMPED UP…More causing more heartbreak,confusion and TRAUMA. Trapped in this crazy making web.To the outside world…. this man appeared to be kind, mild mannered, generous and easy going. NOT AT ALL TRUE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS making the abuse all the more damaging and isolating.
The laws have changed since way back then… and please know there IS the opportunity for us to become educated and to find safety. Education is paramount so that we can learn what has been happened to us and how we got here. While there is still a ways to go in understanding this insidious type of abuse…there are now safe havens, support systems and professionals who specialize in character and personality disorders who can be crucial in healing the trauma that has wounded us deeply and kept us so confused and dancing a toxic dance while we were in the midst of the chaos that kept us unbalanced. This is a wonderful site and so important.
In closing, rosebud… when I saw your screen name… my heart skipped a beat as I wondered if we may have met a long time ago on a website that dealt with spouses diagnosed with ADHD. It was a long time ago.I can’t remember my screen name back then. If this is you… hello again! It sounds as if we are both clearer now. AMEN though no doubt there is still healing to be done… at least for me.I have thought about you often over the years.
And- if this is not the same “rosebud”… I apologize for my error. Please know that I sincerely appreciated your post!
With continued love, light, healing and blessings to all of us who have found Lovefraud and this forum as we each navigate our personal journey, educate ourselves,share our experiences and gain the support for ourselves that we need also offer support others.
elle
Thank you so much for your share Elle. I’m not the same rosebud, I’m only 21, but it’s good to know that these anonymous connections really do have such an impact on people. Thank you for your validation as well. As soon as I describe my ex as “subhuman” to anyone, they get very touchy and are quick to jump back with “no, he’s a person too.” No. They’re not. I try to tell people who have never come across psychos/socios all the time, that they simply are not human the way that we are, their physical brain wiring literally separates them from normal humans, but no one will believe it until they have their own encounter. Which I don’t blame, because I have forever been an advocate of “everyone is equal, everyone has good and bad, everyone is capable of being good, people with rough childhoods can’t be blamed for their behaviour.” Until I met him. It was literally BECAUSE of those “he can be good if he tries/I help him” that I fell into his trap. That is how they lure you.
If you get caught by one of these things, it is because you were HUNTED. You did not trip, your shoe laces were not untied, you fell into the hole THEY dug directly in your path FOR YOU.
Thanks for getting back to me! These anonymous connections do have an impact… and this is a wonderful site as was the one I had met the 1st
“rosebud” on! But it wasn’t enough for me… the dots did not all connect so I rowed my boat ashore and kept looking trying to figure out what was happening to me and what was the root cause of the bizarre and extreme behavior! I get it now… loud and clear!
These individuals certainly do look human, speak the language of humans… but with the lack of empathy and conscience it is a huge wake up call! Who knew this existed- not me. I shoot from the hip and am very honest. I did not understand that some people are great story tellers! Those of us who find ourselves here… are here because we are honest and caring people. We have empathy- we accepted the initial apologies .. though infrequent…thinking ok… hey everyone has a bad day right? As time went on… I got caught in a highly toxic dance…
I had 3 young daughters. I had to keep them safe as best I could. I could not trust him to be capable of parenting them “emotionally and physically” let alone work with me as a unified front. Simply put, my /our daughters were at risk either way. IT was a no win situation. I went to a lawyer only to find there would be co-parenting set up by the court and the thought terrified me.
HE was a thrill seeker, erratic, impulsive to name a few.. and constantly and very often coyly but me down to my children. Confusion and drama.
I got programmed to stay in the dance…by my own volition for the safety of my children. I never lost my voice however and he deeply despised me for that and still does. These people up the ante slowly…the confusion is awful and it had me questioning- is it me? How much of this do I own? All because I am a person who self reflects and takes accountability for what is mine to own. But it wasn’t all mine…. I do own, however, staying in the dance and continuing to try and work on getting to a better place in my marriage.
I knew something was amiss and to be met with such determination and indignation I was always to blame… it was nothing short of an exhausting dance while always being set up over and over. He also blamed others: his customers, architects, window and door salesmen, sub contractors and he had with a limited friend base…no one lasted for long- he was even unable to keep the people he initially put on a pedestal until they disagreed with him.AHA moments for me and validating but none the less… it still kept me in the web.. our sweet, innocent daughters 🙁
Many are unable to bear witness to our pain… I don’t blame them though it makes it even more lonely and isolating for us but THEY CAN’T EVEN FATHOM THE STORIES because these people are such con’s and capable of putting up such a good front. I learned early on who I could trust and who I couldn’t.
While I am still walking through this madness because he continues to engage our 2 older daughters in his dance and web of lies and deceit. I am concerned for their emotional well being. My youngest and I still have before us Court hearings for violations of the restraining order and other court appearances for probation violations etc… Draining, more drama and more of his lies. It is astounding actually.
I continue to educate myself… hopefully you will do the same.. it is validating and you will see the similarities and common threads in all of our stories. I learned I needed to be careful who I shared my situation with… in the outside world. I only spoke to those people long enough who really knew who I was.
Use your energy carefully… venting and talking is important. Use this site… we all get it! Find a great therapist who gets it…MAKE SURE these professionals understand specific types of character/ personality/ conduct disorders and that they work with survivors of TRAUMA and ABUSE. Mine was not savvy to these disorders sadly…. she suggested we work with a marriage counselor.ugh
Wishing you the very best that life has to offer. You have plenty of time ahead of you to educate yourself, learn the warning signs and red flags, and to live and enjoy the wonderful life you so rightly deserve.
Blessings,
elle
This is a great article! If you read it and wonder about even a couple of these, don’t give your partner the benefit of the doubt, get out now! My boyfriend and I bought a dream home together after much planning and being together for almost seven years and in under 90 days he blew up the relationship and abandoned me and it. I spent months asking myself and anyone who would listen, who would buy a house with someone if they knew they weren’t staying with that person? Why? Why? Why? Well, after finding this site, reading a lot of books and two years of therapy, I know who would do that – a sociopath – and the whole relationship was a lie. Literally the day before he turned his back and I never saw him again, he interviewed for a job in our new town and he penciled out how great things were going to be and we could get that second home we had dreamed about even sooner than we thought. He had set me up to do the greatest harm possible financially and emotionally before he pulled the plug and left me for dead. I didn’t die, but I did spend the next years rebuilding my life from scratch. In a few weeks, it will be the 7th anniversary of the abandonment and today I see it as the best thing that could have happened to me, because I am free of him. The truth is, the red flags had been there from day one, but I didn’t see them for what they were because I am normal and I had always had normal relationships. He was a walking textbook of sociopathy.
their motive for relationships is different from ours.
Indeed Sunnygal… “their motive IS different from ours.” Truly an eye opening and painful experience as we begin to peel off the layers of chaos, confusion and trauma inflicted as we begin to wrap our head around it all so we can heal. Hard to fathom the level of deception quite honestly! I for one was TOTALLY UNAWARE these individuals were so prevalent and lived among us… let alone under our roof. I thought they were only the hard core criminals we hear about on the news! WAKE UP CALL!
my reasons for sociopath’s making NO sense is: the person you thought you fell in love with, who made you endless promises of love, support, marriage/family, life together, etc, etc; is NOT or ever will be the person who you fell in love with. That person never existed at all; it was all LIES, an act put on by a very skilled actor, who knows what HE wants, and how and when to go about it. The REAL person (if there IS such a thing with a psychopath), is a MASK, the REAL person is darkness, mental, emotional and oftentimes physical..there IS no person there. And the version you will see, when a second, third or fourth (or more) partner is in his life, will NOT be the person YOU knew (or thought you did)..does this make sense? He, sure never did.
Feel like I am cracking up half the time!!! will I ever get free and healed!!
YES- you will… it takes time. One day at a time ncljo. Sometimes… it takes staying in the moment.
I have been married to a sociopath for 19 yrs, abused for 15yrs and just realised what he is, I am now doing everything I can to try and secure a property for me and my kids, read my blog here http://www.dealingwithasociopathblog.wordpress.com and hopefully it might just scare you into getting away from your sociopath!!
Wish me luck for getting out!!!
ncljo- sending you love, blessings and good luck. Visualize what you want and work towards that. Before you buy a house in your name…o=if that us what you are planning to do… learn what your rights are in a divorce and check with a lawyer. You need to be VERY careful your ex will not have any rights to the new home or in any equity if you are purchasing. Be careful.. but remember you can do this. It is very frightening, exhausting not to mention overwhelming when we learn exactly who we have been dealing with and what we have been exposed to and why. You can do this… many of us have. You can also seek out help at your local Domestic Shelters. They offer a wide range of services… including finding shelter. Many offer legal services too.
elle
Thank you, I am not going to buy as I dont have a good credit history anymore and no money, thanks to him spending whatever he wants and me not being able to spend much, I am going to rent!!
It is so hard, he is starting to use his tactics on our 14 yr old daughter now and it is messing with her head. At the moment he is being ok ish with me, but it wont be long before he thinks up ways to try and hurt me again, he doesnt hit me, but the arguments he creates are very powerful and lasts hours, its very draining, but I have strength!! Pick on me all you like but start on my kids and then its GAME OVER for him!!
Will I ever be free though? I know he is going to bombard me with affection (I cant stand him now and hate his affection) and then he will bombard me with hate!! ITS GOING TO BE HARD!!!
IT IS HARD AND GOING TO BE HARD ncljo until you can figure out what you really want , educate yourself, find some support to get some peace and happiness in your life and begin the healing process.
Check out the 5 step exit plan here on Lovefraud and if you can. Watch the seminar. I was and continue to be very strapped financially. But you can read about the exit plan and view a short video clip.
Try to find a therapist if you have insurance- someone who is familiar and well educated in Domestic Violence, trauma and personality disorders who can help you sort through what you have been through and are dealing with. To also help you navigate your way.
I know now that marriage counseling DOES NOT AND WILL NOT WORK.. I have BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT! Perhaps call Donna to set up an appointment for a phone consult. It will help and be incredibly important to get support you as you walk through this.
It is still difficult to do even with the help of someone supporting us and yet doing it alone makes it all the more difficult.
Good self care is important. Get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water. Try to find some peaceful moments in each day: go for a walk, feed the birds, listen to music that moves you spirit, I also took some vitamins to boost my immune system and help me balance my stress. I did breathing exercises.
You can do this and you will know when you are ready… but it certainly helps when we have support.
I have 3 daughters… and my ex did his manipulation with them too. He also tried to underhandedly manipulate them against each other and me and made one the “Golden Child”. These individuals are very skillful and VERY DAMAGED. My now ex continues to work his manipulation tactics on my 2 oldest daughters.. almost 33 and 36 years old…more confusion,more pain and drama.
Can you make a safety plan? Are you there yet?
**Pack a small bag with essentials:clothing, some food, personal needs, your cell phone charger and important documents, so that if you need to leave you are ready? Is there anyone- family or friends that know what is going on that you can go stay with?
Are you aware of any domestic shelters in your area. You can call them. They offer help and they are good listeners… over the phone or in person.
NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SUBJECTED TO ANY VIOLENCE EVER! NO ONE deserves to be hurt( physically or emotionally) threatened or afraid or deal with the constant confusion and chaos.
Google the Domestic Violence Power and Control Wheel. IT IS STUNNING to see all the areas and ways these individuals exert or try to exert their power and control.
It is true that once the physical abuse starts…it doesn’t stop, you do not know when it is coming and is like walking on eggshells. I NEVER Thought mine would get to this but he did… Forst a shove into a wall… then another time he let lose like a mad man… that was the night the police came.
His now being “ok ish” is all part of it. Mine used to use the silent treatment after a raging argument… just for a little bit.. and then ACT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED!He never took any accountability for his behavior and of course always blamed me.
I STOPPED ENGAGING… but nothing really helped except to GET OUT of it… this was true for me in my situation.
** BE sure to clear your history on your phone and computer so you can be sure you have complete privacy and you do not leave a trail of what you have been reading or learning about these issues. Be sure he can’t find the sites you visit on your phone or computer.
From reading here on LoveFraud and other reading… you will learn the Cycles that take place in abusive relationships. You will see that you are NOT ALONE. We all have a story.
I know for me… I tried to understand for years – unfortunately decades… I wasted a lot of time and energy…I was afraid and I knew I could ot co-parent with him. Things are different now but back them… it was the dark ages! I was confused, lonely,frustrated, scared and mad. I cried alot…continually asking the question: “why does he do this” – The bottom line that I can say now is: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY.. THIS IS WHO HE WAS AND CONTINUES TO BE TODAY. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE AND THEY PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE FOR ANYONE… EVER. SAD BUT TRUE.
Keep reading, and venting, and figure out what you want, need and so deserve. Get support.
After the Police intervened at my home one evening after my daughter made the call… it was hard.. I was humiliated, a respected educator in my town and my husband at the time lied to the police saying he didn’t do anything and that I kicked him in the groin and punched him. I had not touched him and once he did that… I got it!!! THIS SICK MAN WILL STOP AT NOTHING! I was furious.. or better yet… ENRAGED.HOW DARE HE! DONE.DONE. DONE. NO MORE -NEVER AGAIN.
He was furious to have been “exposed” and his demeanor was all about him: “no one will ever call the Police on me again” I only spoke to him once after that and calmly said: “well then your behavior will have to change and that will be a good thing”. I already said too much then- I recognize that now. He was toxic with rage… and I was afraid he was going to do something else. It was no way to live.
I got a Restraining Order, and so did my daughter who witnessed what had happened… and she had also been a target of his with various incidents. The Police removed him from my house. She was older at the time than your daughter. I am not going to say it has been easy but the Police in my town have been wonderful to both of us.
Had I not owned my home and if my business was not here on this property.. I would have left but that was not the case so I couldn’t.
Keep educating yourself. Try to get the courage to call a Domestic Violence Shelter that services your area… or Donna here on Lovefraud. Just to speak with someone and get support.
You don’t have to take any steps until you are ready.
God Bless, Be safe and know that none of this is not your fault.
elle
Thank you Elle, it feels so good to talk to other people who actually understand!! you have been through so much too, Im in awe of you for getting out and your bravery!!
I have no friends at the moment as he never liked any of my friends, he thought they were all slags etc and didnt like me going out with them, so I dont really go anywhere anymore unless he comes with me, its alright for him to go out though!!
I have spoken to my doctor and told him everything, and he says I am in crisis, and I have spoken to my local womans aid, but I wont go into refuge as I cant leave my dogs with him, so I am looking for properties to rent with my kids and dogs, both my kids want me to leave too, they also want out, as the one sided arguments of him ranting and threating me can last hours!!
Why do I feel so guilty though, I just cannot shake off this guilt!!
I know I am going, its just a case of when!!
I also know the healing takes time, I have been offered councillng after I have left, so hopefully that should help too!!
Just wish I could leave right now!!
Thank you for your kind words and advice, it means a lot.
Jo x
Good morning ncljo 🙂
Yes,it is very helpful speaking to others- helps us to gain insight and to not feel so alone. Our personal stories and traumas may be a bit different but they all resonate with an uncanny similarity.
As for my bravery.. I am not so sure how brave I was until the bitter end… and sadly it took a LONG LONG time… but as many of us.. I did not know what was happening- I was EXHAUSTED from the madness, chaos, constant dramas and confusion but I knew something in my heart was very amiss with him. He was a charmer to the outside world.. so there were many who couldn’t see it.. but under this roof… it was a different story. He was and remains a parasite… using people and getting what he wants and still plays the victim. HA… more like the VICTIMIZER. I am still concerned for my older daughters who he plays the victim with but slowly… they will see it… and I will remain a constant in their lives.
I always kept my voice…having been one of 3 children myself and the middle child no less! Looking back however- It is clear that I spent far too much time and energy trying to be the voice of reason because they don’t want reason.. they want power, control and obedience. They DO NOT self reflect nor take any accountability… Oh well..yes…. they may apologize, and flip the switch to appear loving and caring and then BOOM… we get HOOKED again and believe them…I now call it “toxic hope” but the cycle ALWAYS begins again – it was only a matter of time before the manipulation(s) and crazy making behavior and abuse starts again. This was my experience anyways.
I can see now that it was my lack of knowledge these people exist among us and it was my compassion and empathy that kept me stuck. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea what was going on. I knew his family was very controlling and HIGHLY RELIGIOUS… enough to make one shiver and yet.. they were so cruel themselves in a sly and cold hearted way. I kept thinking his odd “behaviors” was from his having been neglected and abused as a child… ACK… my capacity for compassion and empathy! We had 3 young, beautiful and wonderful little girls… the loves of my life…who I adored and yes.. we also had animals… dogs and 2 cats who I must admit that as time went on… with him knowing how much I loved them… he went for my animals too.
These individuals will do ANYTHING to traumatize and exert their power and control. In my case.. it was the more he couldn’t get to me.. and the more he was losing power and control…is when went for my animals.
Just so you know…. there are people who will foster dogs until you can get settled if you need to and are ready to make an exit quickly. I met a woman who is a behaviorist with a local shelter that says she knows people who will foster animals in our situations until we get settled. I know it does not feel ideal but if the time comes… you may want to know who these people are in your area. The thought of it made me anxious and heartbroken but it is temporary and the people who do this do it out of their love and compassion for animals. I am just putting it out there for you to know if it comes to this point… but it will be better to know where you can get this help if you need to exit.
No surprise that he has you isolated you… another familiar tactic that they use as well as making you feel guilty. They do their very best to beat us down… making us feel like we are the guilty party and that it is all our fault. IT IS HOGWASH ncljo ! I hope you can peel that layer off. Reflect on his behavior… take a closer look… perhaps we feel guilty not just because of the abuse but we engage to some extend… in the toxic dance… trying to reason or defend ourselves. I know for one that I do not, have not ever engaged in this crazy making dialogue with anyone ever in my life. I did engage in the toxic dance here in this marriage.. I didn’t understand what was happening and we had children together. Had we not had children… I would have been OUT THE DOOR.
BE gentle on yourself… you are living a hellish life right now… get help… when you exit for sure… you will need the support and guidance to heal and you may need or benefit from getting help in exiting.
I had support systems in place that were invaluable. I also needed the police when he became physical… that may or may not work for you. I often wonder if I should have gone to them first to alert them as to what was happening under my roof.
There are no easy answers… but when it all started to unravel here… it was HARD but I stood in my own light and was very blessed to have our town’s prosecuting police officer, a wonderful human to be helpful. My ex has shown his colors…initially small scale and now displays his total lack of respect for authority. He has overstepped the boundaries with both the police,the courts, Judges during hearings and now his probation officer with violations of the restraining order and now a violation of his probation. HE is in trouble with the courts and of course continues with his playing the victim. If he goes to the House of Correction for 2 1/2 yrs… he will not be rehabilitated… only more rage. It will create more drama, chaos and heart ache for our oldest 2 daughters. But hopefully- they will find they need help.
My youngest daughter and I continue to live our life… yes.. we are vigilant on our safety and the safety of our 3 dogs. Our cats are safe inside our home.
We continue to find some time each day to take for ourselves… we play music that moves our spirit, eat well, get enough sleep, feed the birds and take joy in the peaceful,blessed and uneventful moments that each day offers us.
Be well… read and educate yourself.If you find yourself having to resort to help with the authorities as we did…understand that the police are not trained in personality disorders… they deal with maintaining order and those who break the law period. They know these individuals by the behavior & lack of boundaries… they are not trained in anything else usually which is why we need to get help from other professional sources who are specially trained.
Stay safe and God Bless.
elle
Hi, I’ve been married 28 years and only the past two years have I realized the destruction. I am so scard, confused and blessed I found this site.
The ignoring, head games, lies, betrayal, pretending, it’s all messed up.
I’m sitting in the family room with him now. Sick! Acts like nothing! Little does he know, I’m looking at apartments tomorrow.
I’m so scard and confused. Why do we continue to not see these sick men for who they are. Please pray I find a place tomorrow. I feel like I’m loosing my mind, I can’t function most of the time and I do go to therapy once a week.
The only thing I know ( And feel) is, If I don’t get out of here I will die. And things have been getting worse. My problem is my mouth, I say to much and opened up to him about my feeling, my fears, my future and everything else in between. STUPIDITY! I guess looking back, I always knew SOMETHING didn’t feel right.
How to move forward? My big question? I feel paralyzed.
Thank you all so very much for your support
Hi Simone, it is truly a blessing to find others here that have been through or are going through this ghastly experience. I am so sorry you are enduring it as well.
Once we begin to understand… it is scary and very confusing. SUCH INCREDIBLE BETRAYAL. It is all so very distorted. We find ourselves in the midst of terrible chaos and turmoil … or at least I did.
You ask why do we not see these men out for who they are? Well they are pretty damn smart for starters. Tricksters, great story tellers and masqueraders. I know I NEVER knew these types existed. I am an honest,independent, kind, caring, hardworking, empathetic and capable woman… so there you go BINGO! I was a prime target.
You are not losing your mind though you might feel like you are. IT will be temporary. I felt that way too… you will recover but it takes time and being loving to yourself. It is not your fault you find yourself here.
I think targets(us) tend to be highly adaptable folks, easy going, can make lemonade out of lemons so to speak, shake off a set back, bounce back and stay hopeful. I now call my being hopeful “TOXIC HOPE”.This was true for me and kept my abuser pushing and pushing.Being resilient to chaos can definitely be both a blessing and a curse.
I will keep you in my prayers that you find a cozy new space to make your new home and begin the healing process. Educate yourself and good self care. IT is time to be a little selfish.. though it isn’t selfish at all! Be sure to take some time each day for you.
I am glad you are working with a therapist…. it is important that you get support and guidance as you work your way through this.
Like you, I also used to speak too much … wasn’t a good idea at all now that I look back at it! I have learned that from this site too… we don’t need to give them more power and control and to see where we are wounded or share our wants,needs and desires only so they can get pleasure to inflict more pain. BE gentle on your self… Not stupidity that you did this… you just didn’t know this guy REALLY DIDN’T CARE and would use it to hurt you more. Less is best from this point forward.
How to move forward? If you are ready to get that space… do it. Work with your therapist, read and educate yourself. Have no contact and work with your therapist when things got tough for me.. I sometimes went 2 times a week. I found I needed to be careful who I talked to because it was exhausting keeping everyone update on how it was going or what was going on, or how I was feeling. I needed to be careful with my “reserves” but that isn’t to say I isolated myself either. I was just careful to speak with my closest friends so I wasn’t getting more depleted and at the same time.. able to move forward… even if sometimes they were just baby steps… they were steps forward… and that is what I needed to do.
As far as feeling paralyzed… of course you do. It is mind boggling coming to realize what has taken place. It will dissipate… slowly but surely. I can tell you mine has but mine now plays games through 2 of my adult daughters… infuriating and I still need to be careful of my reserves… ghastly creatures!
Good luck apt hunting. Be well and BELIEVE you will make it through this… keep reading and educating yourself.
hugs, elle
Hi, I’ve been married 28 years and only the past two years have I realized the destruction. I am so scard, confused and blessed I found this site.
The ignoring, head games, lies, betrayal, pretending, it’s all messed up.
I’m sitting in the family room with him now. Sick! Acts like nothing! Little does he know, I’m looking at apartments tomorrow.
I’m so scard and confused. Why do we continue to not see these sick men for who they are. Please pray I find a place tomorrow. I feel like I’m loosing my mind, I can’t function most of the time and I do go to therapy once a week.
The only thing I know ( And feel) is, If I don’t get out of here I will die. And things have been getting worse. My problem is my mouth, I say to much and opened up to him about my feeling, my fears, my future and everything else in between. STUPIDITY! I guess looking back, I always knew SOMETHING didn’t feel right.
How to move forward? My big question? I feel paralyzed.
Thank you all so very much.
Hi Simone, you should be so proud of yourself!! You have figured out who he is, are educating yourself on his behavior & how it has negatively effected you and now you are making steps out. These are ENORMOUS steps out!!!
PLEASE be extremely careful right now & forward. The most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she is about to leave or has just left.
To help you out PLEASE contact your local abuse center for free counseling & also help with an EXIT & SAFETY PLAN out of your marriage. In the USA you can all the National Domestic Violence hotline 800-799-SAFE for the Exit & safely Plan and also to get local abuse center numbers.
This EXIT & Safety Plan out will help you so that you dont feel “paralyzed”. By the way, I felt the same way in my 12 year marriage to a sociopath. I left on my own but wish that I would have gone to my local center before I left. I only went after a month or so (can remember) and received free counseling & attended free group meetings which were both extremely helpful for my vulnerable state I was in at the time.
You can also look at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website for more info on an Exit Plan & Safety Plan. In addition you can google “Domestic Abuse Exit Plan’, “Domestic abuse safety plan” and also with the words you tube to watch videos.
CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY EACH TIME SO THAT YOU ARE SAFE!!
Please keep venting here & asking questions.
WE HEAR YOU, WE BELIEVE YOU & WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!! ????
YOU ARE NOT ALONE HON, REACH OUT FOR HELP WITH YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC ABUSE CENTER!!
Wishing you all the best!! ???
Sending you huge hugs hon!! ??? Stay strong!! ???
ps look into ADRENAL FATIGUE symptoms.
See sites like Dr Lam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org for info & symptoms list
You are most likely suffering from PTSD. I believe the biggest issue with PTSD is adrenal fatigue. Once you have your health in order you will feel more clear headed & the confusion will go away. One of the signs you are in a sociopath abusive relationship is “confusion”. I felt that same exact way. Hugs!!
ps an Endocrinologist Doctor deals with the adrenal glands. Get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency, thyroid etc. All of these are issues with victims of abuse. See Adrenal fatigue. org for info on the Cortsol test and also videos info etc.
Dr Lam. com Adrenal Fatigue symptoms list:
The presentation of Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome (AFS) can be affiliated with any of the following signs, symptoms, or conditions. Currently, there is no definitive laboratory test for AFS but you should always be on the lookout if you are suffering from a high number of the following Adrenal Fatigue symptoms.
It’s important to note that not everyone has all of the signs and symptoms listed below associated with Adrenal Fatigue. Everyone’s body is different, and as such, every body presents differently. However, the higher the intensity and the more widespread the symptoms listed below are, the higher the likelihood of having Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome becomes.
Characteristic Symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue
Unable to fall asleep despite being tired
Waking up in the middle of the night for no reason
Heart palpitations at night or when stressed
Consistently low blood pressure
Low libido and lack of sex drive
Low thyroid function, often despite thyroid medications
Feeling of hypoglycemia though laboratory values are normal
Depression, often unresolved after anti-depressants
Endometriosis
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Uterine fibroids
Fibrocystic breast disease
Hair falling off for no reason
Irritable under stress
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Feeling “wired” and unable to relax
Feeling of adrenaline rushes in the body
Foggy thinking
Inability to handle stress
Waking up feeling tired in the morning even after a full night’s sleep
Feeling tired in the afternoon between 3:00 and 5:00 pm
Inability to take in simple carbohydrates
Needing coffee to get going in the morning and throughout the day
Coffee, tea or energy drinks triggering adrenaline rush and adrenal crashes
Feeling tired between 9:00 and 10:00 PM, but still finding it hard to go to bed
Craving for fatty food and food high in protein
Craving for salty food such as potato chips
Dry skin more than usual
Unexplained hair loss that is diffuse
Exercise helps first, but then makes fatigue worse
Chemical sensitivities to paint, fingernail polish, plastics
Electromagnetic force sensitivity, including cell phone and computer monitors
Delayed food sensitivities, especially to dairy and gluten
Unable to get pregnant, requiring IVF
Post partum fatigue and depression
Recurrent miscarriages during first trimester
Abdominal fat accumulation for no apparent reason
Temperature intolerance, especially to heat or sunlight
Dysmenorrhea advancing to amenorrhea
Premature Menopause
Constipation for no apparent reason
Joint pain of unknown origin
Muscle mass loss
Muscle pain of unknown reason
Cold hands and feet
Premature aging skin
Inability to concentrate or focus
Psoriasis of no known reason
Gastritis despite normal gastroscopy
Low back pain with no history of trauma and normal examination
Dizziness for no known cause
Fructose mal-absorption
Chronic Tinnitus (ringing in the ear)
Numbness and tingling in extremities bilaterally
Recurrent mouth sores
Shortness of breath even though breathing is fine
Presence of ovarian cyst
Cancer as a result of estrogen dominance is one of the symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue
Breast cancer associated with estrogen dominance
Grave’s disease
Hashimoto’s thyroiditis
Legs that feel heavy at times
Dark circles under eyes that do not go away with rest
Loss of healthy facial skin tone color
Body feeling tense all over and unable to relax
Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia
Irritable Bowl Syndrome, with more constipation than diarrhea
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome unimproved with medicine
Fibromyalgia unresolved after conventional help
Systemic Candida that gets worse when under stress
Electrolyte imbalance despite normal laboratory values
Irregular menstrual cycle that “stops and goes”
Lyme Disease but unable to fully recover after medication or intolerance to drugs
H. Pylori infection in the past and was told resolved but never feel the same since
Heavy metal and mineral toxicity may mimic Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome
jan7~ thank you for this valuable information. I recognize many symptoms on this list. Time for me to make an appointment !
good information.
I am 3 months out of an abusive relationship. It only lasted 10 months. The damage he was planning was so much more. He is still stalking and trying to contact me & doing the sociopath’s favourite past time of playing the victim and telling anybody who he can hit up all the horrible things I did to him!
I found out after we had split that pretty much everything he had told me was one big fat lie. I could no longer stand the verbal/physical abuse & the constant being on eggshells but finding out all his lies from several third parties sealed that I could never ever take him back. I told my family instead of lying and covering for him so I was accountable and couldn’t fall for the usual promises of ‘he’d change, he’d get help, we can do it together and be happy’ LIE LIE LIE!
After reading, googling, talking to understanding friends and listening to podcasts I made sense of exactly what he is. He is mentally disturbed and he not only can’t change, he does not want to. He thinks he is amazing and he believes the rubbish that comes out of his own mouth.
While I take every precaution the hard part is that I still feel very unsafe in public and when I am home alone. I hate that he took that away from me.
I still can’t actually believe it happened. But I am thankful and I say out loud to myself everyday I am proud of myself for getting away from him. I am healing slowly and getting back my strength every single day.
Good for you.
Kylie – I am so sorry for your experience, but I am glad that you have found Lovefraud. We have lots of information here that will help you.
It will take time for you to recover. The wounds from these involvements go very deep. And then, of course, there is the realization that everything was a lie. The extent of the lies really does pull the rug out from under you.
Please take your time in your recovery. It’s important to let yourself cry and experience the pain. It is also important to be good to yourself. Most of all, please understand that he took advantage of the fact that you are a normal human being (unlike him). You did nothing wrong, so don’t feel like you did.
In the discussion you mentioned high levels of testosterone and a constant need for sex. My sociopath was diagnosed with low testosterone and never wanted sex in the last year or so because he couldn’t get and/or keep an erection. He went on viagra and sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn’t. Is that a common issue? The sociopath also is morbidly obese with diabetes and high blood pressure. Anybody have any thoughts?
Any thoughts? Yes, plenty. Just for starters, I’m afraid I have to say it’s very dangerous to make blanket statements like “ALL sociopaths… have high levels of testosterone.” There are always exceptions who are going to prove us wrong! It’s more accurate to say that predators in this class “typically” have high levels of testosterone–or something of the kind. We can’t say they all do.
We humans can have multiple independent personality traits, and the same goes for these predators, even though they’re different from the rest of us in the important respects Donna quoted above. Apart from being pathologically abusive for one reason or another, in other ways they can be as different from one another as the proverbial “chalk and cheese”! Some are highly intelligent–and all the more dangerous for that reason alone. Like the scumbags who used their smarts for gigantic financial swindles, Enron and the like, to rob countless people of their hard-earned life savings and ruin their retirement years. Others are just plain dumb, can’t hold a job because they can’t get on with people, and end up in jail through engaging in stupid fights, petty thefts that were bound to get them caught, or drug offenses (seeking “stimulation”). These are losers who ruin their own lives. A few, as we know, are sexual sadists, serial killers like Ted Bundy–but those too are an exception.
On the other hand, I well remember a serial killer who seemed to have little interest in sex. I don’t think he was gay. He had a girlfriend he treated nicely. From his criminal history, I haven’t the slightest doubt he was a psychopath. He was good at charming old ladies, one of whom he murdered just for the monetary value of what she was wearing at the time. His obsession was with financial gain, not with sex. Psychopaths want “whatever they want,” whether it’s sex, money, power, recognition, thrills, a place to live, or something else. It doesn’t have to be the same thing.
Incidentally the finger was first put on that guy by a female cop who I think was suspicious of him from the start, because he was altogether “too slick.” I think she sensed he was a “wrong-‘un” when he came along “trying to help” with inquiries. I was so impressed with her, who had only been known by her rank and last name in most reports of this incident, that I felt impelled to research what her first name was, as a way to “humanize” her by way of recognition. It was Alexandra. Well, good for you, Alexandra! You could tell a suspicious character when you saw one!
Apart from that digression, my point is that disordered people can only be recognized by a general pattern. It’s not an exact science. If you’ve ever looked at the DSM, the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual” of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, you’ll see that the criteria for diagnosis of any particular disorder are necessarily rather loose. The subject must display this symptom and that symptom–those are mandatory–but as for the rest, it’s “perm any five out of nine” symptoms, or thereabouts. And “experts” will often differ in their diagnoses.
I’ve seen the same thing numerous times on this board. A distressed person will come along saying “My partner does this and that according to your checklist, but not all the things on there. Is he or she truly a ‘sociopath’?” Well, sometimes it’s a judgment call. It can be about cheating in a relationship, and there are lots of reasons why people “cheat.” Sometimes they’re disgruntled with the relationship itself. Sometimes they’re just “players,” serial cheaters, without being truly predatory. They just want sex.
But lots of others display all kinds of symptoms of callousness, manipulation, spite, greed, lust, superficial charm, empty promises: you name it. they’ve got it. Just because they’re missing an item or two off that checklist, that doesn’t mean they’re not predators who can seriously harm you.
Apart from that, Donna uses the word “sociopath” as an umbrella term for different disorders in the “Cluster B” or “dramatic” category of personality disorders. These are roughly the people who make a serious nuisance of themselves to others. Yet these disorders are not all the same. Many of the abusive behaviors are the same, but the underlying motives are different. What’s going on in the head of a borderline can be very different from what’s in the head of a psychopath–or someone with “antisocial personality disorder,” which is the closest the APA comes to the concept of psychopathy.
I have no idea what your partner (or ex-partner) was like, or what category of disorder he’d fit. But if he had low testosterone, that by no means rules him out from belonging in a broad category of pathologically abusive people who can only do you harm in the long run. And if you’re rid of him, you’re well justified in doing so.
All good points Redwald! Another point for parb4467 – how old is the sociopath that you are describing? I have seen literature talking about the high levels of testosterone in sociopaths, but they are definitely subject to aging, just like the rest of us. They are also subject to disease. Morbid obesity and high blood pressure will certainly have an effect.
I just posted today in a forum
About this. My sociopath struggled with ED only with me, he easily had sex with other women, and viagra didn’t help much with us. He was in his 30s and in shape… it’s strange I was the main girl, the one he lived with and took places. He was frustrated that he struggled with ED with me, he cheated on his first wife and on every girlfriend he ever had, sex is his thing. I’m not sure why not with me or if this is common, maybe you supplied your sociopath with something else like status or financial stability and he looked for sex elsewhere? I know that sounds hurtful and gross, but did you ever consider that? Take care!
Yeah they seem to have two sides like Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde. That duality seems so confusing and causes cognitive dissonance and brain fog etc in their victims.
But they actually only have one side: evil. The “good” side is just an act, a false mask to manipulate and trap you. Once you understand that then your confusion will disappear.