5 steppingstones to true love after the sociopath

If you become romantically involved with a sociopath, sooner or later your heart is broken. The pain is so devastating that you may swear you’ll never love again. Please don’t follow through on that. It is entirely possible to find true love after the sociopath. I know, because it happened to me.

I first learned about sociopaths the hard way — by marrying one. I wrote a book about it, called Love Fraud – how marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. Much of the story is about my ex-husband’s outrageous lies and manipulations towards me and multiple other women. His audacity was unbelievable. You can’t make this stuff up. 

Still, I think the most important part of book is how I recovered and found the true love of my life, despite the devastation and heartbreak that I endured. 

If you’ve been devastated by a sociopath, I want you to recover too. I believe that you can. But here’s what you need to understand: It’s a process. You don’t just wake up one morning and say, “Okay, that’s over. I’m moving on.” Well, you could try that, but I don’t think it will work very well. 

Real recovery requires commitment, time, and growth. Here are five steppingstones to finding true love after the sociopath

1. Disengage from the sociopath

This is the first thing you need to do. It’s what No Contact is all about — getting the exploiter out of your life, out of your head and out of your heart.

Relationships with sociopaths are addictive, so No Contact can be difficult. Plus, depending on the nature of your relationship, there may be ties that are hard to cut —  for example, if you were married and share children. 

When you have no choice but to keep dealing with the person, you need to disengage emotionally. You need to get to the point where you know what the sociopath is, understand that he or she will not change, and don’t let the person get under your skin.

In my case, emotional disengagement was easy — I was done with my sociopathic husband before I even knew the extent of his lying and cheating. But I wanted my money back, and that kept me attached while I fought to regain it. 

2. Commit to your emotional recovery 

A relationship with a sociopath leaves us with tremendous emotional pain. We’re devastated by the scope of the lies, shocked by the discard and shattered by the cheating and exploitation. There’s so much emotional pain that we don’t know what to do with it. We may end up numb.

In the beginning, feeling numb is a protective measure, because we’re not psychologically prepared to handle the trauma. To recover, however, we eventually need to deal with the pain. That means allowing ourselves to feel it. This is the healing work. It’s not fun, but it’s necessary. 

Luckily, when my life was shattered by the sociopath, I had already been working with an energy therapist for several years. She helped me to process the experience, which was certainly messy. 

She also helped me to discover the purpose of the experience. The lessons were rooted deep in my subconscious and past lives. When I released those old ties, I was free.

3. Feel moments of joy

While disengaging and beginning your emotional recovery, you may feel unmoored, like you have no idea where you are going or how things will turn out. This is scary, but it is also a time of great possibility. You don’t know what will happen because your path has not yet been revealed. All you can really do is keep going.

How do you get through this time of uncertainty? Here’s something that will help — allow yourself to feel moments of joy. Whenever possible, do anything that makes you happy — take a walk, play with your pets, listen to music, have lunch with good friends.

I remember being given the advice to look for moments of joy, and I thought it was nuts. My life was a wreck; how could I possibly feel joy? But when I looked around, I did find happy moments. By noticing bits of joy, I started to feel better and my path became a little easier.

4. Be willing to try

Once you start to feel more centered, you may be ready to dip your toe in the dating pool. This time, you’ll have much more wisdom than you had in the past. Now you know sociopaths exist, and you know the warning signs of disordered behavior. By working on your emotional recovery, you’re better able to hear your intuition, which will warn you if someone is dangerous.

I went on a date about a month after I left my husband. It was way too early, so I stopped. But six months later, I was feeling better. I actually posted a profile online again. I wasn’t afraid, because I knew that I’d never fall for another sociopath.

I did meet a very nice man, named John. We had a fun, normal, relationship, and we truly did love each other. We were together for almost a year. I was actually more emotionally distraught when I broke up with John than when I left my husband. 

But John’s purpose was to travel with me for a while and support my recovery — nothing more. He was a steppingstone in my healing. Sometimes that happens. We may have an interim love, an interim relationship. It doesn’t mean we failed. It means we’re still progressing.

5. Allow a relationship to develop naturally

Nine months after John and I split up, I met Terry. He was good looking, warm, funny, and interested in me. We started dating. I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t make any plans in my head. I just went with the flow, and let our relationship unfold 

One of the problems with being romantically involved with sociopaths is that they intentionally create high expectations. They paint a glistening picture of our lives together and promise  we’ll live happily ever after. Once it all comes crashing down, not only have we lost what we thought was our romantic partner, we’ve also lost our dreams.

A normal relationship, between two healthy people, isn’t like that. A normal relationship builds over time, as we get to know and trust each other. Terry and I dated for four years. We never discussed the future. We never discussed where our relationship was headed. Then he proposed. That was 18 years ago, and we’re still together.

My book, Love Fraud, describes the sociopath’s lying and cheating, but it is also a true love story. The printed edition tells my full story with all the steppingstones, including my relationship with John, which isn’t in the e-book.

Valentine’s Day Announcements

• Get an autographed copy of my original printed Love Fraud book for the very low price of $4.99, plus shipping. Enjoy! And be inspired! Buy now.
• I’ll be talking about Love Fraud on the Coast to Coast radio show, featuring George Noory on Feb. 6 at 3 am ET. If you’re up, be sure to listen!
• For my Lovefraud Live! Youtube show on Tuesday, February 14,  I’ll have a special guest — my husband, Terry. Be sure to join us! Sign up for a Youtube reminder.