When you learn the truth about your relationship with a sociopath — that it was all fake, and the person never really cared about you — you’re devastated. You feel like you’ve been hit by a steamroller. It’s a searing emotional pain that goes to the core of your being. You may wonder, how can you possibly get over this?
Maybe you try to power through, assuming that “Time heals all ills.” Actually, I’m not sure that’s true, at least when it comes to deep emotional pain. From what I can see, based on the thousands of stories I’ve collected, if we don’t deal with the pain, we end up with more of the same down the road.
And it’s certainly not true with addictions. Addiction is a key feature of relationships with sociopaths, and overcoming an addiction requires a positive effort. To recover emotionally, you must choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. How do you do that?
The will to live
First, you have to find the will to live.
For some people, this may be difficult. Some people feel so crushed that they start thinking it would be better not to wake up in the morning. In fact, there are vile sociopaths who actually say this to their targets.
I really, really hope that this does not apply to you. But if you are experiencing suicidal ideation, please understand that this is probably a symptom of depression, and depression can be overcome.
I have an excellent interview entitled Understanding Depression on the True Lovefraud Stories podcast. I interviewed Mandy Friedman, a licensed professional counselor. Mandy explains that depression is a brain state. It is chemical and neurobiological. It is not a character flaw. Essentially, your brain gets sick, and it can get better.
So if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, or if the sociopath has been encouraging suicidal thoughts, please seek professional assistance right away. No relationship with a sociopath is worth harming yourself over. If you really feel like you’re falling apart, go to the hospital.
Overcoming your addiction to the sociopath
Okay, so let’s assume that you are willing to stay alive. That’s great, but our goal is to help you emotionally recover from the sociopath so you can really live.
Remember, the relationship with the sociopath is an addiction. Addictions don’t just go away. Anyone who has quit smoking, drinking, drugs or any other addiction knows that it’s hard work. You need to choose yourself, your health and wellbeing, over the addiction. Then you need to work on your recovery, day in and day out.
Read more: Why you can become addicted to a sociopath
A relationship with a sociopath is the same. You cannot simply “put it behind you.” You cannot fully recover by locking your devastation into an internal closet, never to be opened, while attempting to go through the motions of living. If you do this, you simply end up with an emotional cancer within you, eating away at your life force.
You deserve to have joy, happiness, companionship and even real love in your life. Emotional recovery makes it all possible. How do you get started?
Choose yourself
You begin your emotional recovery by choosing yourself.
This may feel really foreign to you. The sociopath probably demanded all your attention and energy, and made you feel worthless to boot.
But perhaps you’ve always put others before yourself. If you grew up with disordered parents, you quickly learned to be sensitive to their emotions and demands. As a kid, it was a survival strategy. The better you were at reading their moods, the better your chances of avoiding their wrath.
Putting others first may have helped you survive childhood, but it may have also turned you into a people pleaser. If so, doing for everyone but yourself may feel natural to you. In fact, you may feel like you have no right to make decisions based on what best for you.
It’s time to change that mindset. It’s time to recognize your own value so you can put yourself first.
6 strategies to choose yourself
Here are 6 ways to find the strength to put yourself first
1. List the ways that you create value in the world.
What skills and talents do you have? What have you done for other people? How have you contributed to your family, community, company, organization, church or charity? Make a list and don’t be shy. Your contributions matter.
2. Make an inventory of your good qualities
Are you kind, generous, smart, talented, conscientious, hard-working, affectionate, successful, or athletic? You must have good qualities, because that’s why the sociopath targeted you.
3. Think about your goals in life
What do you really want to do or accomplish? What gives your life meaning? Becoming happy and healthy will make your goals easier to achieve.
4. Who do you value in your life?
Who do you really care about — children, parents or other family members? Are you devoted to your church or community? Perhaps you have fur babies — pets or other animals count too.
5. Use anger productively
Anger, when appropriate, has a purpose. Anger motivates you to protect yourself and the people you love. When you’ve been betrayed by a sociopath, your anger is justified. Use it to tell yourself that you will not this person ruin the rest of your life.
6. Draw on your higher power
Whether you’re a member of a faith community or focus on your own personal connection to spirit, know that God or Guidance wants to be happy, healthy and fulfilled. You may have faced some tough lessons, but your higher power supports your growth.
Those are 6 ways to find the strength to choose yourself. The objective here is to remind yourself of your own value. After being exploited, ridiculed or demeaned by the sociopath, you may feel like you no longer have value, but this is not true.
You are worthy. Simply due to the fact that you were born, you are worthy. If you have forgotten this important truth, these 6 strategies can help you remember. Use whatever works for you. Find that spark of worthiness and value within you.
And that’s where you’ll find the strength to choose yourself and do what you need to do.
7 reasons why psychopaths, antisocials and narcissists will not change