UPDATED FOR 2023. Many people — both men and women — have told me that sex with a sociopath is the best they ever had. It was exciting, wild and plentiful. They never felt so desired.
Well, there are reasons for this.
First of all, both male and female sociopaths are hardwired for sex. They crave excitement and stimulation. They have high levels of testosterone, which makes them aggressively pursue sex. They start young and engage frequently. They have a lot of desire, a lot of energy and a lot of practice.
Read more: 4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating
So sex with a sociopath is out of this world — at least in the beginning of an involvement. But there are serious downsides:
1. Sociopaths cheat
Sociopaths are promiscuous — it’s one of the traits of the disorder. They start young and engage frequently. What they really want in their sex lives is variety, including a variety of partners. No matter how they may proclaim that they’ve changed, that you’re the person they’ve been waiting for forever and they’ll never need to look at another partner — well, sociopaths also lie a lot, and that’s one of their biggest lies. If you want a monogamous relationship, you will never get it with a sociopath.
2. Sociopaths will push your boundaries
Sociopaths want excitement, stimulation and variety. They also get bored easily. So once your novelty as a new partner has worn off, they’ll want to shake up their love life, perhaps by engaging in practices that you find uncomfortable. They’ll make suggestions, and if you resist, they’ll lay on the guilt trip — “if you really loved me, you would do it.” They’ll chip away at your protests, until one day you may find yourself doing things that you once thought were degrading.
3. Sociopaths use sex to manipulate you
Sociopaths target you because you have something that they want, and it may not be sex. Perhaps you have money, a nice home, social or business connections. Sociopaths know that if they can hook you sexually, you are easier to manipulate. So they take you to bed, and then press for what they really want. This is especially dangerous if you are married to someone else, work for the same organization or hold a prominent position — all of which would make you susceptible to blackmail.
4. You’ll get addicted to the relationship
Sociopaths hijack the human bonding system. Love bonds are established in the beginning of the involvement, when sociopaths shower you with attention and sex. Sexual intimacy floods your body with oxytocin, a hormone and neurotransmitter that is the glue that holds people together. The more sex you have, the more you want the relationship. You can become addicted to the relationship, which makes it difficult to escape, even when you know something is wrong with the person.
5. You’ll catch a sexually transmitted disease
Sociopaths are promiscuous. They are also reckless. And they want their stimulation. Taken together, this means they often don’t want to use protection. In a survey of Lovefraud readers, 20 percent said they acquired an STD from the sociopath. In some cases, the sociopaths knew they were HIV positive, but continued to have unprotected sex, intentionally infecting multiple partners.
6. Sociopaths may lie about sexual orientation
Some sociopaths are straight, some are gay, and some are neither straight nor gay — they’ll have sex with anyone. In the Lovefraud survey, 18.5 percent of respondents said their sociopathic partners lied about their sexual orientation. Why? It’s not necessarily because they are gay and still in the closet. More likely, they’re looking for variety, or you have something that they want, and they are using sex as a tool to manipulate you.
7. You could end up with a pregnancy
Many sociopaths both — male and female — use pregnancy to trap their partners. Having a child with a sociopath is a nightmare. First of all, it gives the sociopath an opportunity to manipulate you for the rest of your life. Secondly, and more importantly, sociopathy is highly genetic. Your child may inherit a predisposition to the disorder, and grow up to be a sociopath also. I know of many parents who had to accept that their children are disordered, and it’s heartbreaking.
Sex with a sociopath may be thrilling in the moment, but it could result in serious, life-changing consequences. If you at all suspect that your charming, exciting new love interest is disordered, don’t go to bed with this person, and exit the involvement as soon as you can.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 27, 2016.
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Yikes…
The point really is that ‘normal’ people form a love bond when they have a sexual relationship with someone…and the SP does not and cannot.
Scary stuff, really.
The key is TIME. A “normal” person expects TIME to get to know you (and viceversa), may hesitate, will take the time, will invest the time- even if it takes months or even years to get to know you. Will gradually “court” you and may even become close friends way before intimacy enters the relationship.
The spath will claim “he knows what he wants”- even convincing you to marry him after knowing him for a couple of WEEKS, not years (as a “normal” person would do). The spath rejects “relationship” – everything is an “encounter”. You will feel as if YOU (the target) has a “relationship” but to the spath- you are just another “encounter”. And after getting you deeply involved (or even married)- he may even feign shock. Shock that YOU didn’t realizes that he didn’t feel the same. And by this TIME he may have already trapped you in a marriage, you may be pregnant and he may have “stolen” (if you didn’t willingly give) all your savings, compromised your credit and taken over your financial control. You’ve lost your “freedom” and alienated your friends and family. AND…..to top it off, he may cheat on you and leave you high and dry to boot. He may even “disappear” or desert you (and your child).
the boyfriend I did have (before the spath) was very shy, sweet and gentle. we were still at the holding hands, kiss good night stage; when I met spath. I would bet we were having relations within a few weeks (or less)..the fact that I hadn’t known a man before, made me all the more appealing to his ‘needs’; a word by the way that I came to hear ALL too much. He started wanting the ‘hinky-kinky’ stuff soon too. Did that cause me to give him up? Oh, no; I just got used to saying “NO I wont do that’ from early on. Nothing fazed him, when he did hear NO, he’d just go try to get me to something else that he had a fancy to. If you think marriage will calm a guy like this down; think again! By the way, I was labelled a prude (and worse) when I did say NO.
Points 1-6 apply to my xS. thankful i didn’t end up with HIV or a child either.
Look at this!! Finally…there may be an answer…
https://rapebyfraud.com/2016/06/27/uga-links-gene-to-social-disorders/
Thanks Bev-
I’ve been explaining the concept of brain chemistry and how it affects attraction to sexual partners for years. It’s very clear that sociopaths use affection to establish bonding so they can harm us, and that Betrayal Bonds, Positive Vallance and sex keep us glued to toxic partners. I’m glad to see that Donna is also shedding light on this issue.
I hope to see far more enlightenment about sociopaths and the development of character disorder resulting from the recent UGA study I posted on my blog.
I’ll be coming out with a book shortly that will establish a law to prevent romance scams. People can register for it on the link you provided and lend a hand to end the indecent behavior that harms countless lives!
I was very surprised to learn this, for some reason.
There is so much literature about these disorders being ‘acquired’, when in fact, they are likely innate.
Thank you for all of your work in getting the word out jm_short. Yourself and Donna are helping so many.
I wish so bad my sister who is living with a sociopath would read this or just any of these articles!!!! I remember one of her BFF’s telling me she said, “Oh he wouldn’t dare cheat on me because he already cheated on his wife(now ex)and lost his kids so he wouldn’t take another chance”. I am like “Come on what would he have to loose now?”
Question for anyone who knows – Is there like a site that people can post these sociopath’s names-like Child predators, so people can be warned to stay away from them? It has been over 2 years that we have lost our sister to this freak. Last weekend was one year that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has told us she needs him and is going to be with him for the rest of her life. We used to talk 5 times a day on the phone and were the closest sisters anyone has ever seen (there is 3 of us). I am so sad today just missing her so very much. I know they say she has to see it for herself, but how could I just get her to start reading any articles like this? I have left them at her house before and she called to tell me she “has not or will not” read anything I leave her. She loves him and he is the best thing that has ever happened to her and she has never been happier!! Oh Lord God, please help my sister open her eyes to see what we ALL see”.
I am so sorry for your pain. My friends and family lost me to the psychopath too. Psychopaths isolate their women and have total control of them. I was once lost like your sister. One day the pain of leaving him will be less than the pain of staying with him and she will leave. I will never forget the day I reached this cross roads. I knew both paths would result in tremendous pain, I just knew that the path that had me leave him would eventually have the pain end. I knew if I stayed the pain would be ongoing.
Your sister, like all victims, is in a trap. Nothing you say will convince her to fight her way out. All you can do it be patient. In fact, if you give her the impression you have given up you will free up the energy and she won’t have the distraction and reason to fight for him. Without the fight she will be left with the psychopath and she will have the opportunity to see him more clearly. Something will happen, he’ll do something really bad to tip the scales and then she’ll begin to fight her way out. Once she’s free of him, that’s when she’ll need your love and support because her brain will ping pong back and fourth, from loving to hating him and she could relapse and return to him. I think victims return and reconcile an average of 7 times before they finally leave for good. Yep, 7 times! This is proof that leaving a psychopath is very difficult. In fact, it’s very similar to braking away from a cult. Both the psychopath and cults use mind control to trap victims.
Your sister is a victim of abuse. Your sister is not in control of her mind. When she does finally break free please don’t ever tell her: “You like to suffer,” “What’s wrong with you,” “I would never have done that,” “You did it to yourself.” etc.. This will further the abuse and victimization. Only those who have been in a psychopathic relationship understand what happens to the mind and the tremendous pain involved. It takes an average of 2 and a half years to unwind the brain to get to a semi normal place. Some women suffer longer. And even though the pain stops, I believe we victims never really get over it. I use the experience to help others and the experience has made me a lot stronger and wiser. Instead of being sad, mad and angry, I am now so grateful that I survived. Blessings and good luck to you.
PS Psychopaths detest sick people, so I bet he won’t be there for her and in fact make her feel bad about being sick. He may even say her illness was the reason he needed to cheat etc. He will blame her for every bad thing he does. Her natural reaction to his bad behavior will even be used against her.
Wow – this was perfectly said!! Even though this has been the worst 2 years of my life, I am glad to know there may be an end……praying soon. I am married and have 4 kids, who my sister was so very close with also and it has caused tremendous stress because I feel so strong that I need to help my sister get her out of this cult she is in, so I was on the computer researching how to save my sister. She tells me to leave her alone, she’s so smart (which yes, I thought she was at one time). It has crushed our entire family. Our dad, who we all cherish, has even tried to talk to her, but she tells him that this guy is the smartest, hardest working guy she has ever met and she “needs” and loves him, blah, blah, blah, so our dad, being the great man he is, just shuts up. Our mom lived in her garage converted apartment, she has recently even officially had our mother, who has no money but a very small amount from SS, evicted through the court system. We had to hire an attorney & everything because this psychopath convinced her our mom needed to go because she was “toxic” to her. I could write a book on all of the things this guy has talked my sister into…..including borrowing over $100K against her house that was PAID OFF to help him with his “limo” business, which he also listed her name as an officer so she is now liable for more of his debt!! We are afraid she’s going to loose her good job if they find out he has her helping him with is “failing” business during working hours when she is supposed to be working for her own “real job”. I have had to put it in God’s hands, but every so often I do get wound back up about it – especially now since his 5 kids are in town for the summer. Thanks again for giving me some hope!!
Try if you can to distance yourself from her, even though that’s the last thing you want to do. Look at it this way, as long as you fight with her and try to convince her to leave him she will cling on tighter. Clinging on tighter strengthens her bond with him because she’s fighting for him. Fighting for him proves to him that she’s under his control. She’s been trained to jump through hoops to please him. When she does, the psychopath get’s a huge ego boost from this. If you and your family become silent he will have no ammunition to use. If there’s no engagement and no fight all there will be is silence. To the psychopath silence = boredom. Psychopaths hate boredom. He uses the fight to create drama and tighten his hold on your sister. If the psychopath becomes bored he will focus his disordered mind on your sister and create new drama’s for stimulation and entertainment. With the family out of the picture, your sister will be all alone to endure and absorb his antics and abuse. She will grow tired of it and that’s when she is most likely to leave.
So for now, just leave her alone so that she has no reason to fight for him. It’s the best way for her to see the light.
My 2 cents – it is correct that you don’t want to say anything about the psychopath, because that forces your sister to defend her decision to be with him, which drives her further into his arms. HOWEVER, I do think you should try to maintain communication with your sister, even if you’re just sending holiday cards and talking about the weather. She needs to know that you and your family are still there for her, even while she is with the man. Just don’t communicate anything that the guy can use to say your family is trying to separate them.
Hi HeartbrokenSister, hugs to you. First I want to say what a wonderful sister you truly are!! You see him for who he is and you have tried to help your sister. This is powerful!!
I want to recommend a few things to you.
1) DO NOT tell her repeatedly he is a sociopath. Once is enough. Why? because like Donna stated you will driver her closer to him.
What you might not know is that the sociopath has been manipulating your sister from the second he met her. One of the first things a sociopaths does is isolate their target victim from their family & friends so that they have full control over their target. How do they do this? They will fish for information from their target. They will ask very intrusive questions and they twist everything around to confuse the target victim so she separates herself consciously or unconsciously.
For example when my ex h a sociopath went to marriage counseling he told me “not to trust her” repeatedly each time we left her office and did the same with friends. He lied to me about my own family all to control me to keep me isolated, to keep me from telling friends, counselor & family that he was abusive. Sadly it worked.
2) You need to look at him as a cult leader literally and your sister a cult follower to him.
I would highly recommend for you, your family & her friends read the book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan. Steven Hassan was inducted into a cult while he was in college with the help of his family & ex cult members he escaped. He returned to college obtained his masters in counseling and has become a expert on cults and domestic abusive relationships. He has been on 60 minutes, Larry King Live, CNN, Fox news, The John Walsh show etc (American Shows).
When I finally escaped I asked my counselor (who told me that I was married to a sociopath) did he brain wash me? she said YES!!! I knew nothing about brain washing but towards the end of my marriage I had a light bulb moment and thought to myself that he was brain washing me. SO crazy how he & they control other peoples minds. So scary too!! Then I researched and came upon Steven Hassan’s book and it was like reading exactly what my ex h was doing to me. It explained everything.
In Steven Hassan’s book he will explain how your sister is being brain washed and what you & your friends can do to help your sister leave her abuser.
For instance you can ask her question vs making a statement about him.
Do you think (his name) is abusing you emotionally & mentally?
Then just let your sister take her time in answering this questions before you ask another. IF she does not answer the questions this is OK as she will think about the question and one day the light bulb will go off in her mind.
3) Like Donna stated Keep in touch with you sister on a regular bases. Why? so that she still knows that she can turn to you. One day she will see the light but she will feel alone. By you keeping in touch with her she will know that she can turn to you for help even if she escapes him in the middle of the night.
When you finally leave a sociopath you literally feel like you are crawling out of hell. So when she does come around be kind to her. Her nerves will be shot, her mind will be racing, she will go thru all the grieving stages just like a death of someone. She will cry, sob, get angry at everyone including you…just bit your tongue. Part of this reason is her hormones especially her cortisol & Adrenaline hormones will be released in extremely high dosages. This will throw her mind and body out of whack for a while.
3) Get educated!! You and your family right now take the time to read all the articles & different sites & books so that when she does leave you will all fully understand the hell she crawled out of and when she explains what happened you will have the technical terms so she will educate her self too.
4) it is very common for a vicim of a sociopath to end up sick. I too became sick. Why? because the daily stress is to hard on the body. Our immune systems will become week and any kind of virus or bacterial infection or in your sisters case cancer will occur.
I would recommend that you have your sister look into an endocrinologist doctor to test her for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance. ALL issues when you are in a relationship with a sociopath.
Here are a few books that helped me get my health back obvious she needs to talk with her Cancer doctors before making ANY changes to her diet. My own test results were off the chart for cortisol (stress hormone), vitamin and mineral deficiency especially in the D & B’s which is needed to have a healthy mind & make good decisions.
Eat to Live by Dr Joel Fuhrman (see his PBS special on you tube)
Road to perfect health by Brenda Watson (see her PBS special on you tube)
Dr Amen books on good healthy brain (they maybe at you local library or your sisters library)
One of the biggest issues of a relationship with a sociopath is depression & anxiety. All related to vitamin & mineral deficiency and also to high levels of stress cortisol hormones.
Read up on Adrenal fatigue:
see sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. Ask your sister to look at them too. But dont say because you live with a sociopath you most likely have adrenal fatigue. Just tell her that a friend looked at the sites and she was just passing on the info to family and friends because 80% of adults end up with adrenal fatigue. Have her look at the symptoms or email them to her.
You are going to have to be very stealth with how you approach your sister.
5) Send your sister a card with photo copied picture of you & her (and you family) from before she met the sociopath. write a few reminders to her like…remember when we all went to the lake or remember when we were in high school. To open her mind up from his brain washing.
7) Read books like Donna’s love fraud, one my counselor gave me was Woman who love Psycopaths by Sandra Brown. This will educate you to help her and once she leaves him you can give her the books.
8) Find a counselor near your sisters home now that is extremely knowledgable with domestic abuse i.e. sociopath abuse. Not to many counselors fully understand this type of abuse. You might be able to talk to your local aubse center or if you do not live near your sisters then call her local abuse center and ask them for a counselor recommendation then call and interview them. This way when you sister does leave him you have a counselor for her.
9) You should call your National Domestic abuse hotline and also your local abuse hotline. These hotlines are for the victim but also for family & friends that are trying to help the vicim. See their sites too. Here in the USA the site is National Domestic Violence hotline website. If you are not in the USA then just google those words with your countries name.
10) Ask question her or just vent your frustration. We are here for you!!
11) Do a back ground check on him!! Police report, restraining order history, and even look at the FBI website (USA) to see if he is listed on their predator list.
IT takes time to open your sisters mind up…so be patient, be kind to her & be loving to her.
Wishing you all the best!
HeartbrokenSister,
Here is the new title to Steven Hassan’s book:
“Combating Cult Mind Control: The #1 Best-selling Guide to Protection, Rescue, and Recovery from Destructive Cults” (its on Amazon.)
His website is Freedomofmind. com
google “Steven Hassan Bite Model. To see how your sister was sucked into this abusive relationship.
Heartbroken-
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make ’em drink!
Your sister is under his spell…. drinking his KoolAid! I’ve got about a dozen more metaphors for it. but I”m sure you get my point. Truth is, she’s in denial.
She heard you. The only thing left for you to do is simply let her know you care about her, and that if she ever needs your help, you’ll be there for her. You may want to put that in a letter if she’s giving you the “deaf ear.”
Regarding your question on sites to report sociopaths, try “Cheaterville.”
I keep a list of names that have been reported on my site, but I don’t make it public. I maintain it solely as support for the authorities if a case comes before them. When a victim reports a case, and action is taken, I can let them know if other victims have reported being harmed by the same offender. You can send your report to https://rapebyfraud.com/
Great and insightful article. You hit all the points. When I was deeply involved with the psychopath, he had me believing that he loved me so much he wanted to see me break all of my boundaries and do “new” things. He said “his love” was the driving force to get me to try the “swinging” lifestyle. When I didn’t do what he wanted me to do, he cheated and then also told me I was prude. I became a supreme detectives, looking for concrete evidence to prove he was cheating. What I discovered was that he had been cheating with umpteen men and women. I had to leave him even though the cognitive dissonance had me believing we had a true love bond.
Now that I am well out of that relationship, I am here to tell any woman who is being lured into a deviant sex life to run! FAST.
A man who loves and cherishes a woman would never ask her to participate in group sex so that he can watch her with another man and have her see him with another woman. However, a psychopath would push for this, because a psychopath has no ability to feel love. Instead what he feels is boredom and deviant sex not only alleviates his incessant boredom it also degrades the woman he is with, so that he can control and destroy her. It’s sick and it’s twisted and it will cause a woman to suffer.
Well put – everyone. I am relatively bright and while with the man I believe to be a psychopath, I felt constantly “less than,” out-of-sync, undesirable, and was constantly trying to prove my value. I suspect I have run into more than this one individual, but the gang assault style of his family made me feel even more on shifting sands of reality.
As Donna says well in her writings, these presences living in the 12% range of humanity are NOT like the rest of us humans. The goodness in us acts as super glue as we forever tend to give the benefit of the doubt.
I, myself, don’t use shortened terms like “spath” because that, to me, is too close to a nickname of sorts. These entities riding the continuum of narcissism to psychopathy remain insidiously EVIL. They live outside the arena of humanity because they simply are incapable of understanding the emotions and needs of the rest of us.
Even those of us who have experienced the torturous gas lighting, silent treatments, daily “digs,” reach and withhold, harmful use and abuse, and finally, being “left for dead,” find it so hard to understand not only how this being exists, but how we could be pulled into the insanity by hormones, conditioning, and our own traits of decency. I understand well the comparison to the “warm blooded animal vs.the reptile” analogy. Some of us have even been injured further by therapists who believe all persons “can be treated and cured.” That is a mistake.
I read a fascinating article by Sandra Brown stating that we, too, are as much risk takers as the deviants and that is in part why we can be coaxed. Common lore about experimenting within the bounds of personal ethics and a loving relationship may lead some astray, like good old romance novels.
I surmise that our very religious ethical beliefs keep us finding tidbits that our gut reactions must not be correct – to give the love connection an opportunity to right himself/herself. Unfortunately, they are not like us. That’s the tough one to face head on.
Donna, I am grateful for your site, but saddened at the same time to recognize how expansive and invasive these presences are within society. They have certainly claimed a niche.
This is a post from the ‘QUORA’ website, to which I also belong. I follow the discussions on that site relating to anti social personality disorders like sociopathy and psychopathy (which I believe are the same, in varying degree), due to my son being a diagnosed ‘one’.
It is extremely interesting.
‘Anti-social personality disorder is the PC version of sociopathy, which was a kinder, more gentle way of expressing/describing the condition of people who were originally categorized as social psycopaths.. If a psychiatrist says sociopaths can “be made”, or in other words, develop the condition after birth, be assured that he or she is, a) misinformed, or b) lying to help realize an ulterior motive, or fullfil an agenda.. This condition develops and is realized in the womb.. The neurotransmitters to and from the cerebral cortex just dont develop correctly, if at all. It is believed that 3 out of every 100 males, and 1 out of every 100 females are this way.. There is no cure, no meds.. There is no therapy, which when attempted only serves to strengthen their already powerful belief that they are superior to the highly educated medical specialist.. Their not wrong.. They only see a shrink when forced to, and then decimate their “opponent” the way any other psycopath would, with gamesmenship.. The experience leaves them even more dangerous.. Artificial neurotransmitters have been developed, but even if they worked, their is no surgeon on this planet capable of this potentially heroic surgery.. At least not yet.. As most humans begin to reason on their own at about 8 years of age, it is not long after that ALL sociopaths begin to realize that their not like other kids.. They are utterly incapable of human emotion; Remorse, guilt, empathy, pity, sorrow, grief, the blues, depression, sadness, gladness, fear, terror, anger, hate, and love.. If they pout, weep, or cry—-its fake… After they reaIize how different they are, most, not all, begin to mimic, and some become so good at it, they grow to fool the world.. You see, while it is true that our various levels of detention, from juvi, all the way up to, and including, the vast majority of all death row populations, they also are leaders of the world; Presidents, prime ministers, senaters, ambassadors, corporate CEO’s, etc.etc… They also accel as criminal court judges, surgeons, and high ranking police officials.. Sociopathy is a condition, not a mental illness or disease, and while the term “birth defect” may seem appropriate, is it really? Doesn’t most of the above mentioned emotions interfere when striving for sucsess in the real world? Why is it that most of us no longer need many body parts that are there at birth? Does true sucsess aid survival? Death row inmate or major leader, with those in between engaging in activities that could push them in either direction, but with hesitation.. It seems that this may be the evolution of human beings.. Maybe it is just a birth defect, but regardless of what we think or believe, these are the most dangerous people on our planet.. And as our awareness and understanding continues to grow, we can create policy that will minimize then mitigate the atrocious behavior that effects us all….’
The new findings of the OXT gene, however, could be the beginning of making a difference…. let’s hope!
Years ago, we didn’t recognize or have treatments for ADHD. Today, while there’s no “cure” there are meds that create better functioning. Hopefully, through research and information, more and more of the public will understand this phenomenon.
I think most parents recognize something’s up with their kids. I know I did. It was obvious he had no empathy. But I didn’t know how significant emotional empathy was in the development of character disorder, and none of the therapists I looked to for help enlightened me. I just thought his caring for others would develop with more maturity. If there were a medication that could have aided in fixing the problem, I would have jumped all over it. And I think other parents would too.
Yes, too right. I also recognized that there was something very off with my son as well.
My son was even diagnosed at age 5 (!) although I have read that there can be no such diagnosis at such a young age. He was diagnosed again at age 8/9 and then again this past year. He is now almost 35 years old.
Because his upbringing was so ‘good’ compared to some other P/SPs (I maintain that they are the same disorder, just in differing degrees), he has managed to stay out of jail and lead a ‘relatively’ normal life. Even though said life is filled with chaos and drama that he creates. He has no empathy. However, and that is a big however, I now have no contact with him as I cannot and will not have a psuedo relationship in which he lies and fakes his way through life, consistently. I never know if there is any truth in anything that he says or does and he has severely hurt us, his parents, in the past. (Long story).
I do know that he can and will never change. I don’t believe there is any help for him. I hope small children can benefit from this new research in the future.
Bev,
I understand now, thank you and again I’m so sorry. I think they lie for power, control and/or to gain something. Because they have no empathy they cannot understand our hurt when we are lied to. Does that make sense?
What a difficult life for them, seriously I cant help but feel for these weirdos. It must be so damn exhausting faking emotions, remembering lies and the different people they tell them to, juggling all these relationships and remembering what mask is used for each person they interact with….whew I’m tired thinking about it all. I have a different opinion of my ex’s parents now, they are far from perfect but I believe his disorder was there at birth. His mother may have coddled him because he is the sick one.
Aware-
Hate to tell ya, but your pity for them is unfounded. It’s all a game to them, not a hardship. You see it as a hardship because you actually have empathy.
They really don’t give a damn. If you catch on, they’ll just pack it in with you and do a number on their next victim. It’s like being color-blind…. but more like being loyalty-blind!
Well, Aware, I must tell you that I, too, ‘felt’ for SON for quite awhile…I don’t any more.
I don’t think it is hard for them at all, faking emotions and lying to get through life. It is what they know…all they know. I think they even believe that they can really ‘feel’ themselves. Also, they lie to themselves not just others. They are just not aware of that. They truly think and believe that there is nothing wrong with them…just that they are different, unique, smarter than everybody, and simply misunderstood. Sounds good and plausible, right?
Yes, perhaps your ex’s mother did coddle him because she could see that he was off. The bad thing about that is the disordered become even bigger monsters. Like I said, I knew there was something wrong with SON on day one. I tried and tried until HE was 7/8 years old and then I realized and knew that I was out of my depth.
Aware,
You might consider that psychopaths don’t feel the stress and exhaustion that we normal folks would feel if we behaved as spaths behave. If they did feel bad, they would change their behavior. It’s next to impossible to understand, but they like doing what they do. It took me a very long time to get that even in a small way.
Wow! Number 7 sticks out. After I confronted him about being engaged and stringing me along in a fake “love” relationship for 6 months he asked me if i wanted to have a baby with him!!! Now why on earth would i want to do that after finding out on my own about another woman he was involved with since he’s known me!? He has constantly asked me if i wanted to get pregnant, now it makes sense … It was a trap! Also goes to show how much he cares about his fiancé and not considering her at all by wanting to get me pregnant.
3, 4 & 6.
I thought the initials stood for Spencer Hart
Wanted to chime back in on this in hopes of a response. The sociopath i was involved with often didn’t “finish” after sex. The entire 6 months span with him there was a lot of sex and i only recall him finishing 3 times. He always wanted me too but he wouldn’t. Would this be a manipulation strategy? Is this him showing his lack of emotional involvement? This hurt me a great deal and when i’d ask he’d say ” I don’t want you to get pregnant” but then days or weeks later he’d ask me do i want a child so he had me confused. If that was so concerning to him why no condoms? There was still small chances of getting pregnant even if he didn’t finish so why? Can someone help me clear the confusion?
Caitlyn,
Yes, it could have been all about control. Sociopaths often use sex to control their partners, and sometimes the way they do it is by denying sex. And then asking about having a baby – the more you are confused, the more he feels like he is controlling you.
This makes sense…Thanks Donna!
My ex psychopath behaved similarly. I eventually found out that he is a pedophile and did a lot of porn including child porn. I suspect that his lack of interest in sex and lack of ability to ‘finish’ was due to his lack of attraction to adult women, and that he did so much porn he was usually physically spent. There was also an element of control and sadistic game playing.
OMG…omg…
You know, spaths are born spaths. Their brains are actually malformed.
The same is also true with pedophiles. ( I know that some believe that if child is molested, that they will go on to also molest. Not true. There is much research on pedos and they are also born ‘wrong’ in the brain…go figure).
In a way, I hate that. I hate that people can be led to believe that they (spaths and pedos) seemingly cannot ‘help themselves’. There may be a small grain of truth in that, however, every adult person still also has freedom of choice between doing what is right and what is wrong. When someone knows that something is a societal ‘WRONG’, then they must stop themselves from doing that thing that is wrong. Spaths included, as in their willful lying deceit and manipulation. Knowingly.
It does not surprise me that pedos may also be spaths. How can they not be? Are all spaths also pedos…or have the propensity to be?
Yikes…
My ex psychopath was perverted in every way, including sex. I agree that pedophiles are by definition psychopaths – to do that kind of harm to children. ormal men are naturally to some degree protective of children. From what I’ve read, all spaths have the propensity to be pedophiles as well as murderers, whenever it suits their purpose for power, control, sadism, etc.
Makes sense, doesn’t it.
People are born with the genetic propensity for many traits, such as addiction, alcoholism, anxiety, a hot temper, etc. The brain is also a fluid organ and behaviors do shape the brain to some degree in the same way that exercise shapes the body to some degree. A long distance runner doesn’t run because he has well developed leg muscles; rather he has well developed leg muscles because he runs.
Compassion is partly learned, and taught by parents, etc. People have choices, and making right ethical and spiritual choices does develop one’s mindset. For example, for an ethical person the first lie told is difficult and causes consternation. But if the person continues to lie it becomes easier and bothers him/her less.
There is an element of choice. In my experience good men are often motivated by a sense of doing with is ‘right’ even more than warm feelings of compassion. To some extent this is learned and reinforced by positive example.
Nevertheless, there are likely some people whose brains are so physically disordered that they are very compelled to harm others for their perceived benefit. As you say, there is still that element of choice on some level, absent delusions, knowing right from wrong. Spaths have made a lot of consistent choices not to care how their behavior impacts others.
Annette: i now see how its an element of control. For a long time I thought something was wrong and/or undesirable about me for someone to behave that way sexually. My ex before the sociopath never did this to me but the sociopath really had me confused. He used to mention porn a lot too and ask me to “try” things that like this article says that were degrading and something I wouldn’t do. I don’t think i’ve ever hated someone this much in my life!!!
It’s normal and natural to hate someone who deliberately tried to make you feel bad about yourself so he could manipulate and abuse you. He deserves to be hated, but you might consider not letting your negative feelings for him to cause you stress and harm. He’s not worth it.