Relationships with sociopaths are intense. In fact, they are intentionally intense — the sociopath demands your attention, showers you with affection, and proclaims everlasting love quickly.
What’s the rush? They want to hook you before you escape. All their moves are intentional.
You, of course, don’t know this. You believe that the sociopaths are in hot pursuit because they are smitten and can’t live without you. The two of you are, as they swear, soul mates.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, the relationship is over.
Huh? What happened? How could this person who painted a glistening picture of your future together just turn and walk away without looking back?
You want to understand what when wrong. You want closure.
If the key symptoms of a sociopath accurately describe your partner, don’t bother going after closure. Here’s why:
- The intensity you saw wasn’t love — it was pursuit of a prize
When sociopaths want something, they hyperfocus — they focus intently on what interests them. When your relationship started, that was you. You were the prize. Once the sociopath won you — well, there was nothing to pursue anymore.
- Sociopaths will never feel your pain
You were in love. Now that the relationship is over, you are heartbroken. Despite what the sociopaths said, they were never in love. Why? Because they are incapable of love. They literally do not feel the pull of love the way you do. So they will never be heartbroken, and cannot share your pain.
- Sociopaths don’t care how you feel
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. They will certainly take advantage of your empathy, but they do not experience it. In fact, they view empathy as a weakness, as a stupid emotion that makes you vulnerable. And from their point of view, the only thing to do with vulnerability is to take advantage of it.
- Sociopaths do not feel remorse
Sociopaths do not experience regret. They never feel sorry for anything they’ve done. Oh, they may be sorry when they’re busted, but they don’t regret their actions, only that they got caught.
- Sociopaths will never apologize
You may want the sociopaths to apologize for all the pain they caused you. But a true apology requires the offenders to recognize the pain they caused — impossible for a sociopath (see above). Now, sociopaths may indeed say the words, “I’m sorry,” but this is just a tactic to continue manipulating you. Don’t fall for it.
- Sociopaths feed on your emotional responses
Sociopaths love being a puppet master, pulling strings and watching other people dance. They especially like getting people to cry, plead or explode — the more visceral your response, the more satisfaction they derive from it. Don’t feed the beast.
- Seeking closure gives sociopaths an opportunity to hoover you
You may know that the relationship is bad for you, but still have difficulty staying away. Many people have met with or talked to a sociopath to end it — only to find themself “hoovered,” or sucked back in, like a vacuum cleaner.
No Contact is the way forward. Seeking closure keeps you engaged with the sociopath and it’s useless. They will never understand how they’ve hurt you. They’ll never apologize.
So don’t wait for the sociopath to end it — you end it. You decide that you will no longer subject yourself to the insensitivity, disrespect, cheating, abuse — whatever the sociopath is doing. Make the decision that it’s over, and stick with it.
The best way to achieve closure is to give it to yourself.
Learn more: Self-care for survivors
Lovefraud originally posted this article on August 8, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to be the guy of my dreams, but he’s nothing but a fraud
Excellent article.
The most awful part of having loved a P/SP is that there was never any real reciprocation.
They did not love you. You loved them.
It is so sad and you feel so destroyed. It is hard to realize and accept that all of the years were just wasted ones.
At least a lesson was learned.
Totally awesome article. My sister, who was so so very close w our other sister continues to not speak to us, however if and when we try to tell her he’s a psychopath – she’s livid & tells us she’s the happiest she’s ever been (we didn’t dcdn ask her she always offers that to everyone) and can’t believe we’re not happy for her. The way this psychopath has isolate her from our family who has been so very close our ENTIRE LIFE is definitely NEVER scoring brownie points with us. She has said the most hateful things to especially me (calling me a bully) – things she has NEVER EVER said. She says she’s “just now realizing”. I’m like “what teenagers didn’t fight?” Anyways, am I correct in believing if she’s constantly telling everyone how happy she is WITHOUT even asking is this possible put in her head? I’ve left her alone for over a month but every so often things come up then her and I are emailing/texting mean things that again never happened before him. Also, she’s constantly trying to tell me I can get in trouble for “slandering” his name. I know that’s him putting these thing in her head. Oh Dear Lord, please help our family and wake my sister up!! Our family is devastated especially that my little sister who’s w this path just fought breast cancer & he has her believing we were not there for her – she should have known better but I know she’s not thinking straight. Many people at its her fault for letting this happen,but I say, “There’s no way, because I know my sister & she’s not thinking straight. He has her mind twisted right now.” One more question…sorry, but she had invited my and my other sisters kids to dinner sometimes-I really don’t want them to go,but I do almost hoping he will be rude, like he has, and she will see it. Should I allow them to go or not?? Thanks for this website it has helped me so much!!!!
not until I began reading printed articles, books and online articles from websites like this, did I realize my 29+years of marriage to a P/SP was a TOTAL WASTE of my youth, strength, courage, hopes and dreams of a happy fulfilled life. He never loved me at all; I was his ‘meal ticket’ to marriage, a farm, kids (to carry on HIS name and legacy)and to be in his own kingdom where no one else could boss HIM around, and treat him badly, for having a mental illness in his teen years onward. If it hadn’t been me, someone else would have taken my place. He took everything I was and used it for his own ends, and almost destroyed me. I am free, but it WAS a waste of years I cant get back.
I needed this article!! I have been debating trying to find a way to contact (he is under a no contact order) my P/SP soon-to-be ex for closure I seek. I have not spoken to him in months and he was removed from our home. He abused our daughter and is facing charges, but denies doing anything wrong, drags us through the mud, has spent thousands on lawyers, and has no remorse when it comes to having her go through depositions and eventually trial. I was hoping that talking to him would convince him to not put her through this and take responsibility and consider a plea. I was hoping that after all this time he possibly would begin to feel remorse and guilt for what he did, but now I realize after reading this I would likely be wasting my time and possibly putting control back in his corner in his eyes by seeing how hurt we are. Instead I am taking this article to my therapist and we will work through my closure without giving him anymore satisfaction of seeing us suffer first-hand!!
Is it “normal” to feel or think, WHAT IF HE IS NOT A SOCIOPATH??? Out of a clear blue sky Jan 4 2015 (after a four year relationship together and 2 1/2 years we lived togerther) someone by his residence tampered with my motorcycle. I left his home that Sunday morning for my hour and a half ride home…I pulled up to my driveway and long story short I had oil all over tmy back tire someone tampered with my primary cover four of the five lock tight nuts were gone (highly unlikely to all fall out by themselves at the same time and the only reason the rich one didn’t come outbid that the rear floor board was in the way. Whoever took the four out did not have time to take the floorboard off to get the fifth one out anyway I could crash that day gone down and really ugly, God willing I did not . I immediately called him tonconfront him on the phone what happened to my bike he said to me , “fuck you “‘and hung up and never spoke to him again although I tempted for months on end 8-9 months I did ….I stopped I gave up. Then out of the clear blue sky a year and half later I get a text message from him saying that he misses me he knows that I’m crazy or crazier than him but he muses me…I jumped on that opportunity any mediately texted him back and weaseled my way back to his house I even slept With him but when the sun came out the next day and after he showed me around his new home I basically had to leave because he had plans at 10 o’clock that morning I have not spoke to him since it’s been two months although he text me periodically communicate even up until this morning the question i haven is it normal to think that he’s no longer a sociopath or maybe never was one???? Am I really crazy I think he is being sincere. I know I’ve left out lots of info, like his denying a few months ago when I saw him that he had anything to do with my bike etc.nhenhas never apologized for the chaos and the way he just threw me away with no explanation…what if he isn’t a sociopath????
He’s a sociopath. I felt the same way about my ex asking if he’s a sociopath. We do that because it just seems so unreal that a person could be that sick. A part of us stay in denial but in reality yes people can really be that evil.
Amen!!
The behavior you describe defines him as a sociopath; and he attempted to murder you defining him as a murderer. It is possible he has murdered someone and just hasn’t gotten caught. He is dangerous to you; you might consider the greyrock technique http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/ if you interact with him, and you might consider not letting him know where you live and your daily routine.
Good article, i still find myself seeking answers, but i know better than to bother asking anymore as she either ignores me, or gives me half an answer or something that isnt/wasnt true which causes me to think more and want to ask more. I have children so i cannot go complete full no contact, just lastnight i asked to keep my kids longer than my visitation time since its still summer and she allowed it and never gave me a problem so i thanked her for being nice and letting me keep them and she ignored that too, which left me sitting there saying “why couldnt she just have said your welcome or no problem”? i then stupidly texted hours later and said “you always harped about getting along for the kids sake, yet here i am trying to be civil and even thanking you and you just ignore it, what gives”? Yet again no response, she knows that bothers me a lot, and i believe she does it to keep me curious and upset so ill keep blowing her phone up, then she can tell people im crazy and stalking her, she knows i dont fall for it as much anymore, i say what needs said then im done, which i think is why for the last year now she has tried even harder to get me to respond more. Article is correct, best not to seek anything from them other than seclusion lol.
It took me four years to figure out the situation. I was not able to understand until a friend said to me that he was a sociopath. I looked up the term and there was his picture on the cover! LOL I just felt relieved to know what was happening. I finally got an answer and it was good enough for me. I finally ended things for the last time about 4 months ago and even having been diagnosed with Cancer recently never made me feel like I wanted that hot mess back! I know in my heart that was the worst relationship I was ever in. We did have some good times but the bad ones always outweighed any of the good. Trust me when I say. time and distance is your best friend. Get out while you can. Do no ever let yourself go back to such a sick person. Closure is a myth. Great article as always.
Please read my reply to Bev above. Did you do the same thing to your siblings?
How do I go about cutting off the sociopaths mother? She recently contacted me confronting me that I told his ex baby mama I caught him in the apartment with 3 other women. Yes he cheated but not in that fashion. His mother believed me and dropped it. However, everyone keeps saying I must cut off the mother in order to not leave open the door for him to walk back in. Maybe this will be my closure.
Butterfly – yes, cut off the mother. You should have nothing to do with any of them.
She sent me a picture of one of his daughters starting kindergarten this week. Although I’m happy for her because it’s a major milestone, it broke my heart because I miss his kids so much and I wasn’t there to share the experience. We all got attached and I loved his kids like I would love my own If I have kids someday. This break up is extremely hard for me.
I was part of his kids life for 2 years. I’m having such a hard time. I know that I will never date a man with kids again.
It’s so sad for the children and you. You’re a normal nice loving person who naturally bonded with his children (he doesn’t bond with them or anyone). You have likely been a good and stabilizing influence for the children. Heartbreaking. This is a big loss for you to grieve. But there probably isn’t anything you can do to change things. Does the children’s mom take good care of them? There may be some peace for you to know that they will be safe and loved by someone.
Given the circumstances, it sounds like it would be best for you not to keep in contact, regardless of your ex spath’s mom’s motivation in sending you the photo. You might consider that it’s time to gently let her know that you need to move on and that it’s too painful for you to keep in touch, that you wish things were different.
You’re suffering a huge loss, and the way you feel is natural and normal. Consider that cutting ties with all of your ex’s family may open up space in your life for a good relationship with a good man who appreciates you, and maybe children of your own someday. It’s still so hard, I know.
Over 30 years ago I broke up with a man who had a young daughter I’d become attached to. I still think of her from time to time, wonder what she’s doing. I don’t look her up on FB, though I suppose I could. I’ve got my own grown son now to keep up with.
AnnettePK
Yes it’s definitely a big lost. I was there for many milestones. I was there to see his youngest daughter learn to walk and talk. I was there when his second oldest learned her alphabet, colors and to tie her shoes. Then for the oldest I helped her discovered a talent that she had such as singing. She was my buddy. I never pictured that they wouldn’t be part of my life anymore. The mom of the first child is decent but the mom of the second two kids is not a very good mom. She pawns her kids off on other people and brings different men around so the youngest is confused to which one is her dad. It’s really sad. I think that’s why my exs mom wants me to continue to have a relationship with his kids because I was a good influence on them. I’m going to medical school in about a year so I would have paved the way for them. When they were in my care I would be the one taking care of them so we bonded. Their sad excuse for a dad would say mean things to them and hide into his job to avoid them. I just hope that the kids live a happy life. I miss them dearly. I hope someday I do meet a really good man and have children of my own. I fear this won’t happen for me though because I feel incapable of being loved. That’s how messed up I am from dating a sociopath and getting discarded like a used tissue. I feel sorry for his kids. I know what it’s like to have a sociopath for a parent because my dad is a sociopath which is probably why I ended up dating one.
If she contacts you again, you might politely and kindly tell her that you’ve decided to move on in your life and that it would be easiest for you not to have contact with anyone close to your ex. Tell her it’s nothing personal against her, and wish her the best. Or some variation of this conversation, based on the relationship you all had.
These articles are such fantastic reminders of things that can be easy to forget as times goes by. Thank you.
Very good article. You will never get closure, ever. Even after a 20 plus year marriage I never got the words “I am sorry”. Instead I was blamed on order for him to justify his cheating. I finally accepted that my silence, my refusal to have any contact with him is the ONLY closure I will ever get. But this closure is on my terms and my conditions and that is my silence. I am no contact for over 3 years now, divorced since 2 years. Best decision I have ever made. It was painful , it was difficult to separate a life that was built over almost a decade of a lifetime. But divorcing him was the ONLY solution. Looking back now I realize how everything was wrong with that marriage. All of it. It was an illusion based on lies, deceits and betrayals. So glad I am out of this drama. No more. Never again. The little co worker minions he was having affairs with can deal with it now. So blessed to be a survivor . I can finally think clearly again.
I gotta say the spath of the 1970’s when I met my husband in high school who lavished me with the glitz & glitter was totally different, in less obvious, from the spath in the 2000’s who says let’s move in together, on day two, and never bothers to show up with a dandelion in hand. I believe these spaths take up bullying quickly to make up for their lack of charm. I thinks it is there is so many available people out there, that spaths think they don’t have to try. But, what they don’t know is some people are frequents on sites like this, and we people compare notes and point out the warning red flags.
I had a date about a month or so ago. The guy started calling me a cougar when he asked my birth year is one year older than his. If you look at the months it may be older by 6 months, and he’s calling me a cougar. I immediately saw that he is trying to make me feel like I’m an desperate old woman. I said hell no. I didn’t return his calls.
And, I get the post about how they are never sorry. A man is quite willing to admit to another man about a lie. But the lying man will never admit his lies to a woman. Cause he sees a man as an equal. but, he sees a woman as beneath him. And, to admit the truth to a woman would be to lower himself to her level, and make her his equal. That is how he sees it
All 7 of the above apply to me, sadly. Therapy for 21 years thinking it was me. Losing my son and daughter to him, bought and paid for, they call me Joan instead of Mama. Ouch. Denied me any money while giving Carter Blanche with a credit card to the tune of nearly a million dollars with nothing to show for it. He gave our retirement, pension, investments, inheritance, and hidden accounts to feed her spending habits. 8 years after all obligations to the ex wife were over, he gave her over $300,000. I wasn’t supposed to find out, but I’m smarter than he is. Stupid enough to keep taking him back, but this site and all of Donna’s books are pending my eyes to the truth, as heartbreaking as it is. I need the strength, I give in because he’s so good at fighting nuclear with my emotions. I wish I could not feel just like him, surviving this life would be so much easier.
Thank you Donna for lovefraud.com