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8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / 8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

July 14, 2008 //  by Donna Andersen

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Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:

If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.

Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.

It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.

A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”

That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.

Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.

So how do we recover?

8 steps for recovery

Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.

1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.

2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.

4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.

5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.

The long journey

There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.

Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath

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blondie
16 years ago

i need help today. im so confused on what to do with my ex s. i mean my head knows what to do but my heart keeps hanging on. my ex, he wants to meet for lunch and wants to talk about us, and start trying again. im so worn out from talking about our realtionship. i feel like i put so much into this realtionship and i tryed to make it work for soo long, that im burnt out. i dont want to talk anymore, i just want to be me and do what i want for awhile. another part of me feels like its all control right now. when i want nothing to do with him, he wants to work on us, talk about us. when he feels im hook on him i think he goes back to being his JERK self again. im very afraid of him hurting me again, my heart is scared of him. I dont know what to think anymore. how long will it be till he hurts me emotionally again!!!?

Ox Drover
16 years ago

Dear Blondie,

Listen to your gut, dear! He WILL hurt you again, and again, and again as long as you allow it.

I know this is like a broken record, but NO CONTACT, NONE, ZERO, ZIP, NADA, absolutely NO contact is the only way you can come to peace. At first it will just be “physical” no contact, and you will stillkeep thinking about him, wondering, maybe even doubting your self, but it will evolve into EMOTIONAL NO CONTACT where you will realize that you can NOT be around him without ripping the scab off your wounds.

Each time you listen to his pleas about “working on us” or how much he “really loves you” etc. you will go back to square one with your healing.

I can’t promise you it will be easy to start, but NO CONTACT will get you out of the range of his hooks. He is all about CONTROL, like a fisherman bringing in a “big catch” on a line, he wants to make sure his hook is set, and start reeling you back in. If you don’t take the bait, you can escape, but if you take the bait and let him back into your head, heart, and ears, he will hurt you again. That is just the nature of what they ARE. You can’t change him, he won’t change himself, so it is up to you how long you want to prolong the agony. The only way out with this guy is NO CONTACT.

LF will be here to support you all the way, but you are the one who has to make the choices and act the acts. DON’T DOUBT YOUR GUT, it will protect you if you let it. (hugs))

Beverly
16 years ago

Dear Blondie, I think you answered your own dilemma. Why dont you take time out for yourself for a while, concentrate on you, get your strength and vitality back, so then you can take the most appropriate action.

It will probably do you good to get out of the push n pull cycle. Best Wishes.

Beverly
16 years ago

How r u doing Oxy? How are the shingles? Itchy? You poor thing. I thought about you the other evening, there was a programme on tv about tick fever and it is quite dangerous. We all have our low spots, you will be bouncing back, I just know it. (((hugs)))

hens
16 years ago

Hello Gang… would someone tell me the Website of This Kathy Harjo, not sure what her name was but she has been talked about alot in here and quoted. She was talking about Narcisist. Does she have a website where I can look at her writings? Blondie , Our ultimate salvation is this final discard (no contact). We set the limit. We end the dance. They have no limit’s and are unable to do this. The abyss is bridged when we realize that there is no going back in any way. No friendship, no enmity, there can be nothing at all.

Beverly
16 years ago

When people say that their head says one thing and their heart says another, I think it is because the energy of the heart when loving, is warm, steady and slow burning – like a candle. When that energy is disrupted – blown out – as it were – the energy keeps on smouldering for a while. This is often the phase when people are tempted to go back and also to avoid heart pain. What do others think?

Beverly
16 years ago

Hiya Henry, I dont know who else is on line at present, but I vaguely think its something like Operation Doubles.

Beverly
16 years ago

Yes, Henry, it is, I just checked its operationdoubles. Hope you are keeping yourself well. I was saying to the others, I got myself out and about this last weekend, went to a two day music festival and it was alot better than sitting at home. Have a good day Henry.

hens
16 years ago

Thank you sweetheart. Glad you are gettin out and about. I am planning a trip to Colorado sometime in August. I have a good friend that has a summer home up in the mountains and she want’s me to come spend sometime there, of course it will be a working vacation but I cant wait to go…….thanks Bev

Beverly
16 years ago

You’re most welcome Henry. But I’ve done a naughty thing, Ive put myself on one of those websites for the over 50s. Fifty already. Gorgeous.

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