Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
DEar Blondie, WAY TO GO!!!!!!
Getting out of the sight and sound of him, not listening to his words is so powerful. YOU have taken control of yourself and you have told him NO MORE. That is what you can control, YOU. You set a boundary that he is NOT WELCOME IN YOUR LIFE. You cannot change him, he will NOT change himself, and YOU have said “I will not be abused” That is your POWER. You have absolute control of the way people are allowed to treat you, since he has chosen to treat you poorly you have taken control and told him NO MORE. OUT!!!
That is your true power, power over yourself. Not givig that power to someone else.
There will come days or hours when you start to faulter, but hang on. Come here and post if you need or want to. CRy, rage, scream, but come here first before you break NC.
(((((hugs)))))))
Dear Henry,
Stress causes all kinds of things, and getting older as well does, and the pain you are experiencing can be from a combination of stress, over work physically, and maybe a pinched nerve in your lower back. I used to work with an orthopaedic physician as a nurse practitioner. 99.9% of all the back pain will eventually spontaneously take care of itself and reverse itself.
The keys are number one to give it time. Watch how you lift things. Squat to pick up heavy items, or even light items. if you bend over from the waist it makes your uppper torso very “heavy” so use your strong thigh muscles to pick stuff up by squatting. Don’t even pick up a piece of paper off the floor by bending from the hips.
Take a nice hot soak in the tub to help relax those muscles. Get a massage if you can afford it, a deep tissue one if you can find a Licsenced Massage Therapist that does them. I just recently had one and it helped me a LOT.
When you come in from work and sit down, put ice pack on the hip joint, not directly on the skin, but with some material between it and the skin for about 20 minutes. Also on the tail bone of the spine. That may help decrease the inflammation in the spine and joint.
If it doesn’t resolve in a couple of weeks, you might need to go see a physician and sometimes they can inject you there to help for a few months. Do stretching exercises (you can find some on line) in the mornings and evenings.
If you take any antinflammatory medications be sure and take them on a full stomach so they don’t hurt your stomach, and do NOT take a larger than recommended dose as it can harm your liver big time! If you take anti inflammatory medications do not also drink alcohol at all. Be good to yourself.
Also, another thing about depression and pain is that themore pain you are in physically the more depressed you get and the more depressed you get the more the pain seems to “rule” you.
Dreaming about him is probably your subconscious working out the “never seeing” him again thing, and there will come some of those dreams, but don’t let them worry you too much. I dreamed about mom for so long and tried to work it out in my dreams, but now that I am more peaceful about NC and the fact that she will NEVER change, I have stopped dreaming about her and our situation. In the past if I had a difficulty swith someone I would dream about it, sometimes just the situation, and other times in symbolic ways.
Coming to the true realization that your mother is a narcissist who never cared for you, never cared for anyone except hersel—being mad at her roommie for being blind and not being able to see her beauty is absolutely N-ish. LOL My mother wanted everyone to see her “holiness” instead of her physical beauty but she is frustrated now because my sons and I no longer see her “holiness” but the true ugliness of her views, her egocentrism. Because this outward manifestation of holiness or beauty is no longer there, the soul within comes to the forefront and is exposed for what it is. I know that is a terrible thing for even an adult child to finally realize. But coming to grips with it will give US peace if not them.
You have already come so far, Henry! Just be gentle with yourself right now! (((hugs))))
This may explain some things….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY
THANK YOU!!! we have been apart a month now, but still having contact and i cant take anymore contact. Today i know is the first day, my mind feels at peace knowin that he is not bugging me. My brain doest feel so clogged up. he was stressing me out everyday.
He wrote me an email sayin that he is leaving me alone and he is giving up on trying with me, and he is upset that im not trying anymore, and that im not giving him a chance to prove to me that he has changed or that he is making changes in his life! he said he came to me trying to get serious with us and go to the next level which would be marriage, and i completly blew him off!!! he also said if i loved him so much i like i say i do, how can i just give up and not let him show me changes, and he hopes one day i will give him a chance!…… i didt respond to this email, just wondering if you any of you guys out there on this website have ever had this happen with your x
Good post OxDrover, may I add one more thing. Always, and I mean always … keep your weight down and stomach muscles toned. Your stomach muscles are what keeps your back in alignment.
Peace and if I can find the list of what to eat … I log that on too.
OK Folks, WE still have more to learn and much more to process. Ready? Here we go:
SPECULATIVE INTELLECTUAL VIRTUE
Understanding
The gift of understanding gives to the mind of those who have it a charisma for apprehending Christ’s public revelation easily and profoundly.
More specifically, the gift of understanding helps those who have it penetrate to the heart of revealed truth even when they do not fully understand its entire meaning. It gives great confidence in the revealed word of God and leads those who have it to reach true conclusions from revealed principles.
Understanding is greater than faith. Faith is assent to the defined articles of Catholic teaching. Understanding goes farther because it gives insight into these defined articles of belief. The gift of wisdom exceeds the gift of understanding in that it shows us God’s perspective.
Understanding is one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. The others are: wisdom, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord.
Understanding is also one of the five intellectual virtue
Science
Science is the habitual knowledge of the particular sciences, the habit of drawing conclusions by demonstration from first principles.
Science is one of the five intellectual virtues.
Wisdom
The gift of wisdom leads the soul of those who have it to see things from God’s perspective. Wisdom is fullness of knowledge through affinity for the divine, as when a person comes to know Christ’s Passion through suffering. It is also love, which inspires contemplative reflection on what we believe and directs the mind to judge according to its precepts. The gift of wisdom supplements the virtue of faith and shields us against folly.
The virtue of charity is part of wisdom; it inspires contemplative reflection on the divine mysteries, enjoys thinking about them, and directs the mind to judge all things according to their right principles.
Wisdom is distinct from faith. Faith is assent to the defined articles of Catholic belief. Wisdom goes farther to a certain divine penetration of these truths.
Wisdom is first and highest among the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. The others are: understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord.
Wisdom is also one of the five intellectual virtues.
Faith
Faith is Heb 11:1 “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen,” our firm belief in God and all that He has revealed to us through Holy Mother Church. 1 Thes 2:13 “When you received the word of God which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men but as what it really is, the word of God.”
Faith resides in our intellect; we believe because God is all-knowing (cannot be deceived) and all-good (cannot deceive), so what He tells us is infallibly true. Our faith must be constant; the apostle Thomas gave Jesus three years of faithful service, but we remember him for his one moment of doubt.
Our faith must be complete. We completely submit our intellect and will to God. Our faith therefore illuminates our daily life. Our fallen race inherits from its first parents a propensity to sin, but our constant objective must be to live as Holy Mother Church teaches. We seek to live by the theological and cardinal virtues. We consciously avoid the seven capital sins. We go to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass every day if possible, or every Sunday at minimum. We go to Confession every week if possible, or every month at minimum. We do all this because we have faith that the Catholic Church has Christ’s authority to teach us how to prepare for heaven.
Our faith is a free assent to the whole truth that God has revealed. We have faith only if we believe in Christ’s entire public revelation. The Catholic faith is faith that Christ instituted a divine institution, a Church blessed with authority to infallibly teach His public revelation. If we accept only doctrines consistent with our own experience we are not accepting them on faith but rather on human analysis.
We begin our profession of faith, “I believe” or “We believe” when proclaiming the Apostles’ Creed or the Nicene Creed.
Faith is one of the three theological virtues. The others are: hope and charity.
The virtue of faith is also one of the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit.
For a discussion of faith in the context of “faith and works” see justification.
Vatican documents on Faith, Revelation and the Bible.
Benignity
Benignity is the virtue of kindness. The quality of understanding sympathy and concern for persons in need.
It is shown in affable speech, generous conduct, and forgiveness for injuries sustained. The virtue of benignity is one of the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit.
LonganimityExtraordinary patience under provocation or trial. Also called long suffering.
Longanimity includes forbearance, restraint in demanding justice.
Mildness
Mildness is gentle disposition and behavior. A perfection of love which tempers justice by avoiding unnecessary actions that might provoke anger or resentment.
Goodness
Goodness is consistent with God’s nature or will for us. Or, whatever is suitable and befitting.
Chastity Chastity moderates desire for sexual pleasure, the body’s most imperious passion, according to principles of faith and right reason.
Chastity opposes acts or thoughts that are inconsistent with Church teaching about the use of our reproductive powers to prevent defilement of the soul.
Jesus said, Mk 7:21 “From within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, fornication, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a man.” St. Paul added, 1 Cor 3:16 “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and that temple you are.”
The practice of chastity is control of our thoughts and discipline of our senses, especially the eyes. It is greatly assisted by modesty and purity.
Chastity is one of the seven capital virtues. The others are humility, liberality, brotherly love, meekness, temperance, and diligence. They are called capital because all the virtues we strive to practice are said to flow from these seven capital virtues. Chastity is opposed to the capital sin of lust.
The virtue of chastity is also one of the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit.
PRACTICAL INTELLECTUAL VIRTUES
Art
Art is the habit of knowing how to make things. It includes the mechanical and fine arts, and most of the liberal arts.
Art is one of the five intellectual virtues.
Prudence
Prudence is correct knowledge of things to be done or avoided. Prudence resides in the intellect and is natural, that is, acquired by our own acts but also supernatural, infused with sanctifying grace. As an act of virtue, prudence requires three mental actions: taking counsel carefully with ourself and others, judging correctly from the evidence at hand, and directing the rest of our activity based on the norms we have established.
Prudence is one of the four cardinal virtues; the others are justice, temperance, and fortitude. Prudence is first among the cardinal virtues and guides the others by setting rule and measure, applying moral principles to particular cases.
Prudence is also one of the five intellectual virtues.
Charity
Charity is our love for God above all things for His own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God. Jesus told His apostles, Jn 13:34 “Love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” St. Paul told us, 1 Cor 13:13 “Faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” Charity is a gift to us from God, wrapped in sanctifying grace. Charity, like hope, resides in the will.
Charity is one of the three theological virtues. The others are faith and hope.
Charity is also one of the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Joy
The sense aroused in higher faculties of the soul by the expectation or possession of some good.
Holy angels and virtuous human persons experience joy; its source is the rational will.
Joy differs from pleasure, which may affect the human spirit but originates in body sensation.
Peace
Peace is more than the absence of conflict. It is the tranquility of good order, the serenity that accompanies the agreement of human wills.
Every well ordered society, whether marriage, parish, municipality or nation, is based on peace.
Patience
Patience enables us to endure hardship caused by another person in conformity with God’s will, without sadness or resentment.
There are three grades of patience:
The lowest is: bearing difficulties without interior complaint.
The middle is: use of hardship to make progress in virtue.
The highest is: to desire the cross and afflictions for Christ’s love, to have something to offer up, and to accept them with spiritual joy.
Patience is a form of the moral virtue of fortitude.
The virtue of patience is one of the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Peace to Everyone.
Dar Blondie,
yes, dear, they ALL try to put the problem and blame on us, THEY were trying to “get serious” and WE (bad people that we are) wouldn’t give them a chance to change and be better.
PUKE–
why if he is go sweet, wasn’t he better before? Did you have to leave him to make him treat you nice? Ever heard the saying “a lepord doesn’t change its spots?” And neither do psychopaths.
Blondie, you are not the one who abused you, HE IS. You are not the one who hurt you , HE IS. Your are not the one who was mean to him, HE WAS MEAN TO YOU.
Okay, so you are such a bad person that after all he has done you won’t give him another chance—what? to Prove he will abuse you again after a short “honeymoon” of sweet words and no actions.
You bad person you, you finally got tired of him abusing you and took back your own power===so to him, that proves that since you wouldn’t go on letting him abuse you forever that you never really loved him in the first place. See how disloyal you are?”
Hey, if you believe that clap trap, I have some ocean front property for sale in Arizona and even some in New Mexico!
It is the SPIN they put on us to make us guilt about how WE have abused them.
Hun, my P-son, after trying to have me murdered, wrote a letter to the family saying how “UnChristian we were” because we didn’t give HIM “unconditional love”—gimme a break for goodness sakes! There is no where in the Bible that says that we have to lay down and be door mats for someone trying to kill us. God gives US unconditional love in all senses, but humans are not 100% capable of unconditional lov, I don’t think, and sure enough not in the face of abuse from that person that they “unconditionally” love.
Sure, we may willingly give our lives for our child, or our spouse, or a friend, but to throw yourself in front of a bus when the driver is the abuser? Nope (by the way someone on here said that a while back and I thought it was pretty cool, but I can’t remember who, so I am using it, but not taking credit for it)
Blondie, he knows that YOU have control now, and he is doing his best to spin it back on you. The best and easiest way to get out of his FOG is to not listen to his words, but think about his ACTS. He is trying to dangle “marriage” to you as a shit covered carrot (Aloha’s phrase) and you know what, it will still take llike shit! Because he wants CONTROL. Only you can let him have it. But my suggestion is that you retain control over YOU, and let him go on and find another victim. Which he will if he doesn’t already have one in the wings. But you deserve BETTER than that. You deserve NO LESS THAN someone who will REALLY love you, put your needs up there with his own. Not ignore your needs.
Big hugs and congratulations on NC. It will lead you to peace! I promise, but the road may be rocky, but you are a strong woman and you now have control!
Today has been a good day. I stayed home to get caught up on my yard work and finish some project’s that I started month’s ago. I have been in and out of the pool a dozen time’s, came in side and read LF, posted a few comment’s and read so many comment’s from (ALL OF YOU) thanks southernman for that UTube Link, wow That women has a powerful voice and lot’s of wisdom. Today has been a very theraputic day for me. I have done alot of growing and healing thank’s to all for sharing and commenting. And thanks Dox Ox for the advice on the back, I am feeling better and I will lift with my leg’s!!!!!I hope you all feel the same way, this has been a great group therapy session………
Glad you are feeling better Henry. It has been a good day for me, haven’t done a lot, but some, and got the greatest news tonight. Monday was the anniversary of my husbnd’s death 4 yrs ago, but his second great grandchild, a little girl, was born on monday evening! So we have a wonderful new nearly 10 pound addition to our family and how wonderful it is that that date will now have a very positive memory for us all, her birthday! Shes so fat and healthy looking she looks more like she is a month old than a one day old in the photos, fat cheeks and not a wrinkle on her face or body! Her brother (named for my husband) was born only a few months after his great grandfather died, and is going to look just like my husband, except thank God he doens’t have my husband’s nose! LOL
I have a cup sitting on my desk to hold pens and pencils ans such, it is bright green with a purpole square in the middle and it says “celebrate the moment!” I think that is what I need to do more of, and tonight I am celebrating this wonderful moment! (((hugs))))) to you all.
Beverly, With all this knowledge about love, romantic love, love addiction, and loving ourselves, and the pain in loving someone else, do you ever just want to go get laid? Or is that my middle aged gay brain talking? Don’t tell anyone else I asked this…..I am to that point where if I wait untill I meet someone to love it might be too late…I mean just play smart play safe, but I don’t want to put myself out there again, to be hurt or to hurt someone else. Does this make me bad? Does this make me a sociopath?