Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
I want to discuss the idea of “just getting laid” because it’s an interesting topic considering most of us who are coming to terms with the fact of loving PDIs probably aren’t engaging in carnal activities at the moment. At least I’m not, and I’m perturbed by my current situation..haha.
Especially when I go from having daily sometimes more, exceptional lovemaking to BAM!….I’m lingering in the celibate desert yet again.
But like Oxy, Bev and Perky, I have a difficult time with casual sex. It can cause me serious emotional pain if I do engage with a stranger. When I was younger, I thought I could handle the implications involved but the next day, I felt like total crap. The guilt and the self loathing would kick in and I would berate myself for giving in so easily. And for what? A few moments of physical sensation, but no emotional connection whatsoever.
I think that due to my own insecurity that I was longing for acceptance and appreciation by sleeping with some sexy, gorgeous dude. Now, I know better. Casual sex hurts me too much to do it. I have a tendency to become attached really fast when I am intimate with a man. I consider my body a gift and I do NOT just give my special gift to any rogue who crosses my path.
But, ya know, being the sensuous woman that I am, I miss the sight, the touch, the smell of a man’s skin, his manly essence so to speak, more than the mechanics involved. I miss kissing and caressing more than the sexual act itself. Must be the dilemma of being a fiery, passionate woman because I am so conflicted sometimes. I spot some gorgeous fella on the street and my hormones go into overdrive….haha. No, I won’t act on my primal sex drive, but BOY do I want to!…haha.
Hope I didn’t embarrass anyone with my frankness, but it is so beneficial for me to discuss my “issues” with non judgemental, caring, intelligent peeps. 🙂
Dear Takingmeback,
I think God sometimes sends us “angels” disguised as humans, and I know for a FACT that He sent me a bunch of them last year, people that seemed to pop up out of “no where” to be in the right place at the right time to meet my needs. Wow, how could so many things happen as “coincidences?” No way!
A friend of mine lost his job about a week before I decided to flee my home, so he was available to help me when I needed help the most, and he had a couple of lots in a nearby (35 miles away) recreational area where an RV would not appear out of place or noticeable. I “hid out” in plain sight!
I could go on with 100 other “angels” that God sent to be there in the “wilderness” to minister to me, but I am sure if we look we can ALL find at least that many “angels” who have been there for us in our time of need when we cried out to God. If in any way, I can repay that by what I say to another who is in pain, then God’s work has multiplied and produced gain.
The Bible promises us that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord” and I believe those words. Look how Dr. Frankl’s horrible years in the prison camps made him what he was, and all the good that he did. Would he have done so much good without the camp experience?
My son C was married to his P for nearly 8 years, but because of that marriage, his step son was introduce to God and Jesus before he died, and the young man died in peace. Without the marriage there never would have been that for the young man. So there was good came out of that marriage, and my son C has also grown and learned from his P-experience. I see a much more caring and mature young man (although he is 38 now, almost middle aged! but he is “young” to me!) in my son now! Just living longer doesn’t make us more mature any more than sitting in a chicken house makes us a hen! We can have 60 years experiences or one year experience 60 times!
I hadn’t remembered about the “why haven’t you killed yourself?” question, but that would definitely be an attention getter at a therapy session. There are times I would not have known how to answer that. There have been times I have not cared if I lived or died, but only one brief instance where I actually “saw” myself doing it. It was like a color photograph that flashed into my head for only a micro-second, but it scared the CRAP out of me.
I am (most days) starting to find meaning in the things I have endured. Trying to grow and to become a “new and improved” version of myself, maybe become a “tractor driver” instead of an “Ox Drover” LOL so I can “plow more ground” in a day than I could with the oxen alone.
I am again feeling “connected” to and “rooted” in the ground under my feet, peaceful here again. When I was a kid, my folks moved frequently every two or three years because my step dad a basket ball coach and teacher would get better opportuniteis so we would get up and move. I hated that moving all the time, and this farm was my only PLACE to feel at home. I made new friends in the new places, but soon moved off and left them, so I have only “childhood” friends that are connected to the farm. Somehow that connection, that continuity of friendships, and multigenerational “knowing” a family is important to me in my “place” in the world. My “village” as it were.
After I reached adulthood, I still traveled from place to place and country to country to live and work, but the farm was always my “home.” Having a place in this world to belong to is important to me. But last year when I had to leave for my own safety, I realized that in the end, the farm, as much as I love it is NOT WHAT IS IMPORTANT in the great scheme of things, even in my own life. It’s just a piece of dirt. Just a small speck on the globe. What IS MOST IMPORTANT TO ME on this earth is ME. I can lose everything else, like Frankl did, and I am still ME. The farm is not what makes me ME, and it is only from the meaning I get from life that makes ME ME.
Finding that REAL meaning, apart from any possession I may have, is truly what life is all about to me now.
God bless and (((hugs)))))
I think Henry has started something here….but he is not around!! LOL. Henry where are you??
Yes, one of the perks of being in a relationship, for me is the physical side, and yes I miss that too and that is a loss as well and yes I am in the celibate desert as well JaneS. My ex was advertising his sexuality at his work, and when he told me what he had said to a woman at work about his assets, I knew he was cheating on me, because he was saying things to entice her – the dirty devil. We just adjust to the situation we are back in.
Beverly, when anti-socials are in bed with you, they aren’t making love. They are having sex. We are extension instruments of them master _ _ _ ing themselves. Period. Nothing more. You have to be in touch with your emotions to make love. Love is an expression of your spiritual self with another spiritual being. The Love of God.
That’s why my heart broke when the second shoe fell on my head and I found out the truth of what my EX was. All I could think and say was “he can’t love, he can’t feel love, he can’t express it and he has no clue what love is”. Then I wept like I never wept before. To this day, that is what still breaks my heart. All the rest is superficial specifics. It’s the fact that all of them in the anti-social condition can’t LOVE.
I can NOT fathom the depths of this voided condition. Just when you think you glanced into the abyss, we aren’t even touching the surface of how devastating it truly is to live like they live. We see some of it due to the ramifications they cause in our lives. I do believe they are living in HELL and the only redemption for this HELL is to give themselves to the Lord. Ask God to bring them closer to him and God will handle the rest of what needs to be done (salvation). Meaning they have to let go of their false god (their own EGO) and humble themselves to God.
Peace.
Wini,
Maybe a few PDIs are lurking and reading the comments on LF, and maybe one or two of them realizes they just don’t work right, that they cause heaps of damage to good people, that they dearly wish they could love themselves and others, and by reading your encouraging posts about the awe, wonder, and genuine love of Our Holy Father…they might just seek the answers and help they need to recondition themselves to be better people.
IF they have that specific, life changing goal as a paramount decision anything is possible. 🙂
Wini, Last night, I came across a rather private list of notes I had written which dropped out of a book I was reading. Basically, the list confirmed that he was careful not to engage in anything that signalled intimacy or emotional connection. I remembering sending him a text saying ‘Are you available on ANY level’. Also I sent him a text saying ‘What’s wrong, dont you DO foreplay?’ – if that gives you a clue to the mechanical one sided state of affairs.
Wini, one of the reasons I went with him, was that he looked like a stray and I thought why should all the well to do guys have all the luck – initially I got with him to accompany him to evenings out, I hadnt intended it to be a relationship, I kept telling him that he wasnt my type and I didnt sleep with him for quite a while because I wasnt sure and he didnt hit on me either (which I thought was strange). Wini – it was all VERY STRANGE!
Hiya JaneS – my lovely pink radiant effervescent fluffiness!! It is nearly 10.30pm here! One of the first things I told him, is that I believe in God and he just looked at me vacantly – it meant absolutely nothing to him. But as Deepak Chopra says, you dont have to be aware, to be living a spiritual life. We are all living a spiritual life, it is just that some people are more in tune with it than others. My best wishes to you (Angela)
You know, Jane, I almost believe that SOME of them know that we have “something” that they don’t have that gives us pleasure. They aren’t sure what it is, but they would like to have it. They search for it with woman (or man as the casemay be) after woman each time thinking that they’ll be able to “grasp “IT” (whatever IT is) and each time they alllll-most get it, but then are disappointed and then move on to the next victim, hoping that will be the “magic” one.
Others, like my P son, I don’t think have enough philosophical thought in their heads to be anything except a rabid dog, just biting at random. But I have seen some Ps that I think actually think we have “something” that they would like to have. Trouble is, they just “don’t get it” can’t fathom what IT is or why having it makes us happy. Of course “It” is the ability to love.
As far as my P-son or any other “full blown p” turning their life over to God, I’ll bet the short odds, because I have never ever known one that did. Look at Pharoah in Egypt, even after the 10 plagues he sent his troops after the fleeing slaves. I’m not sure that even my P-son is that egotistical. LOL
Yes, Bev, I too have been a sucker for inferred downtrodden, broken men. I thought..”aw, poor guy…noone loves him”
Boy, was my assumption blatantly, searingly incorrect. Of course, people loved them. They just don’t love people. They use and abuse the ones that love & care for them, then move on to the next victim. Sad, sad, sad….
I read on here that we…”should never feel sorry for a man.” I agree. If a man is obviously physically healthy and mobile, then he doesn’t deserve our compassion directed towards his supposed ill luck in life. He is most assuredly NOT a victim of circumstance nor a victim of unkind, cruel folks.
I will only reserve my compassionate, nurturing nature for those who truly deserve it: the victims of abuse in all it’s forms, women & children, critters, the elderly. They will not only be heartened by such kind treatment, they will appreciate it and be able to recover and continue the cycle of love, of concern for others who were in their devastating situations.