Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
I just realized the moon is full. oop’s that explain’s my mood—-now I am embarrased…………..(:
Oxy, I hear you … I’m just coming from a spiritual side to all of this …not human side. I’m not trying to ruffle any feathers out there or to insinuate that our pain isn’t real and that they don’t do damage to innocent victims in society. I agree with everything, everyone is saying … I”m stretching myself on that spiritual path … that’s all. As I do this … I’m throwing out what is coming from my heart and soul. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be incarcerated because they need to be restrained to keep society safe. I’m just saying if Tolle’s book is on target – then we as a society should look into it. I know I’m intelligent with sensitivity and in touch with my emotions and I know there are others in positions of authority right now who could look into this.
Peace sweety, we’ll get there.
Hey Henry, can you sing a few bars of moon river? (LOL)
Wini I prefer Dragging the Lake for the Moon–Gary Morris…..hmm let me get my singin shoe’s on and I will!
Henry, your posts always make me laugh. Not when you’re being serious.
I told you, my adorable cousin is available. He’s been keeping to himself for years not getting involved with anyone. The love of his life is long gone and I don’t believe he ever got over it. He has a zillion friends – and they are all platonic buddies licking their wounds from long ago lost loves and going on with their lives solo. He’s in his mid 50’s (I don’t know your age) looks very young, blonde hair, 6 ft., great body, great sense of humor, fantastic taste and style and is very sensitive and in touch with his emotions. I joke around with him about he and his buds coming over and redecorating my place (this was years ago when I had money)(LOL, LOL). With all seriousness, he’s a great catch. Flipped my brother out when he came out to the family back in the 70s. He and my brother dated so many women (wearing the crowns) in the parade where my cousin grew up and now lives. It took my brother years to get over this information … but he too loves our cousin and are close to this day, still best buds. He’s just a great guy.
Peace (TAI = Think about it)
Beverly, OX, Henry and EVERY ONE – what if the picture of Dorian Grey is what we are dealing with? Them staying young physically as their portraits age and showing the world their true identity. What if the reverse is true in real life (down on Earth) … us seeing them for their chronological age versus seeing them for what they truly are … portraits of children or infants?
Peace … and don’t shoot the messenger … please. I’m writing this from my heart and soul using this as a springboard of all of us putting our noggins together after we get passed the pain they caused us. I should share with all of you my book I wrote on ETHICS. Except I haven’t talked with my publisher in 7 months … he writes and I procrastinate.
Ok I thought about it, where is he? … I better get him before Oxy does. Winni You make me think of my daughter-in-law, she IS an angel. Her and my son were married 13 years ago yesterday. They have a 8 year old and a 4 year old boys’. They are always smiling and laughing. She is very involved in church and school. PTA president, sunday school teacher. She has her own business and I just adore her. She reads the bible everyday, she never fails to ask me to come to church function’s and school functions. And I often do. To me she is a true christian because she has never judged me, never shunned me. She love’s me just the way I am. Thank you Wini for your kind spirit………. And yes I have that decorating gene. Had I been raised in an inviroment where I had positive role models and grown to believe I was good instead of bad. I would of pursued a career in design and decorating. But I was afraid of being found out because of the stigma attached to it. But I do get to express my talent’s in my landscape and design business, I love building fish ponds fountains etc. Taking what nature has provided and making places where it can be experienced and enjoyed. Wini– I am 53.. but don’t tell anyone..
Ox,
I completely agree with you. Seeing the S as an innocent was what almost got me killed as well. I thought he needed love and he said he was sabotaging and my rescuer mode got even more hardcore. I fell for the initial pity ploy and many more until it wore me out and depleted me. Now I am aware that it is not our love that they need it is God that they need.
I agree that God sent angels into my life who have come and gone playing various roles in my recovery. He continues to send me more 🙂 as I finally got up the nerve to share on here. The sociopath is an evil entity. The S in my life told me that it was easier for him to believe that God did not exist than to accept what God has allowed to happen in his life. The key is “easier for him to believe”. He did not say that God did not exist but he has chosen what he believes. He is driven by ego and ego is what led to Satan’s fall. He wanted to be God and his desire for such led him into rebellion.
I don’t find it coincidence that God and spirituality in general is a common part of recovery for victims of sociopaths. I cried out to God and the information came pouring in to reveal the truth. I would still be lost in the wilderness had I not reached out to God. In fact, God was present throughout trying to lead my hand out of that relationship and my own will was placed before his and denial happened for a reason. I didn’t want to believe what was happening so I chose to see the S as a poor puppy dog needing love, compassion and understanding. I was wrong. I’d say dead wrong but that is what the S wanted. He wanted me dead because I called him out on the truth too many times and he couldn’t handle seeing the truth I reflected back to him. Not the image he wanted everyone to believe.
I gave the S a lovely letter about an image God had placed in my mind. I saw us at an airport baggage carousel and in our haste we started grabbing each other’s bags mixing them with our own. In the end we were burdened with too much baggage and I couldn’t carry mine anymore. God told me to put it down as it wasn’t mine. In truth with all the projection I did end up carrying the S’s baggage. It wasn’t mine and so I let it go. I told him he could do the same. Only he didn’t carry any of mine, I was suffocating under the weight of his.
I told him that God could set him free as he had done me. Then I wished him well and told him that if we never see each other again that I would hope to some day see him in heaven where we can sit together once again and laugh and share about our journeys in this lifetime.
I left him that letter with an awesome Christian book about healing. They were met with a no contact order from an attorney. That was the reaction to my heartfelt sharing. But what did I expect from a man who freaked out any time I mentioned the word faith? No matter what the context he would fuss that he has faith in nothing! He even bragged on one of his online forums (a big source of supply for him) in a discussion about God where someone commented that unhappy people seek God, that he is unhappy and he doesn’t seek God.
I know it sounds nuts but several months after I got the no contact order I went to get our cat (which I feared he would kill as I had caught him locking him in the dog crate before for who knows what reason). He made sure he was pleasant enough to tell me about his lovely plans this summer and all about him. Then he confirmed exactly what he is. I had gone there out of obedience to God as I was afraid but felt led and was confused but followed. I had been doubting again that maybe he was the truly the poor puppy…denial was setting back in. But when he said that I was dangerous last year and doing anything to destroy my life including make him homicidal that was it for me. There is NO WAY any sane person could take that spin from what happened as he was the one crying that he was suicidal and purposefully sabotaging his life. It was NEVER about me.
Anyhow, he called the police after I left. He got angry that I asked about the cat and told me that he’d give him to me but feared I’d let him go and call animal control as he has FIV. He claimed that I threatened that repeatedly in the past. That thought never crossed my mind let alone fell from my lips. Crazy is all I could think of. The police informed me that he has called them on several occassions, even when he was out of town, claiming I was at his house. I made sure that they understood that I lived out of state and how ludicrous that all sounded. They suggested I not return to that state. I have friends there and there is no way anyone is going to tell me not to go somewhere because of crazy S’s accusations. But that’s the smear campaign for you. He knows I know the truth about him and his aliases and lies. I’ve seen him paranoid when I’ve caught him lying and seen how he has responded with vindication before. He would like the world to believe I am the crazy one. No chance. I am completely sane thank you.
You know he once told a friend that I was delusional. I was furious. But he was right. I was in denial and in a state of delusion about who he is at that time last year. But there is no more denial!
Psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists… they are NOT in need of our pity. The S flat out said he knows what’s wrong with him but chooses to do nothing about it. In fact, he said that I must think I’m better than him as I chose to get help when my symptoms of PTSD began. I told him the truth. I am, have been and always will be better than him. I do not choose to hurt others for my own gain, I do not stuff my own abusive past inside or avoid pain. I face life with all it’s fears, insecurities, doubts and pain. I live life as God intends for us to live. We have to face the bad to experience the good. Stuff the bad and we get sick. Hence the development of their pathology.
I caution anyone who thinks that they are in need of our love. I can have compassion for someone’s misery but it is compassion from a distance. We do not have the capability to heal a sociopath. We don’t even have any effective treatments for them at this time. In fact, I have been working in supervision to figure out to what ends do I continue to “work” with those who I have on my caseload. They do not want to change, they want an audience to listen to their woes of vicitmhood because the whole world supposedly treats them horridly. They don’t want to change because they don’t see themselves as the problem. Dare to challenge them and their venom comes spewing onto you. It happens to me all the time. The debate is whether we as therapists do any good at giving them the attention they crave as an audience to possibly keep them from acting on the homicidal fantasies they share with us. I don’t believe that is my job. But I wish the legal system had a better way of dealing with those who have the potential to carry out their fantasies as it leaves me feeling helpless without enough concrete stuff to detain them. If I do then what is the hospital going to do? Medications don’t seem to help, therapy doesn’t get through to them. They get paranoid and attack me any time I mention the hospital and they admit that if they ever act on their fantasies they will never tell me because it is a personal right they have to do what they want. They trust no one, including me, but come in if forced by the court or if they’ve depleted everyone in their lives and choose to pay for their audience. They come to shock and entertain, not to work on anything.
No don’t pity them. They are not innocents. They have choices like we all do and their decisions are just that. They know right from wrong. I believe that God gives all of us a choice on how we are to live this life. They have chosen to live based on their egos. If you don’t serve God then you’re serving Satan in my book. There is no in between. God specifically told me to send the letter and the book and then let HIM do HIS job. We have no influence on them. If so then the love, support and hope that each of us has given, which they tried to deplete us of, would have had an impact. But love has no impact on them. It is something they see as a weakness in others.
Be careful if your heart softens for those who are truly evil. Evil does exist and those of us who walk in the light will never full grasp it because it is foreign to us. Spinning things to make sense in our world as we know it by looking at them as innocent lost sheep is dangerous. They are lost sheep. But this battle is the Lord’s. God tells us not to interact with evil. That is why no contact is so important. Get in their midst and they can suck you back in with a power that is diabolical. Get distance and cut the ties and stay free.
Wini,
Tolle is onto something that M. Scott Peck and others have been saying for quite some time. I am thankful that the pubic has responded to his books. Ego is at the heart of many problems we face and recognizing this and coming to understand that we are meant to co-exist and not be islands unto ourselves is important. Unfortunately, with sociopaths we’re dealing with evil in it’s purest form. There are plenty of them in churches as well as our neighborhoods and workplaces. It’s truly sad. If they were open to change and able to face themselves perhaps we could break through their egosyntonic states. But for the time being all we do as mental health professionals is try to alleviate or modify symptoms they present. They are studying it more and more and I would be ecstatic if there was some breakthrough in treatment. Until then I choose to stay away from them personally as I saw what my own experience resulted in for me. As a professional, I feel my time is wasted. Sad but true.
OK, I’m off my soapbox now. Phew that felt good!
Dear Wini,
I am not the least bit upset, my dear sweet woman! I am just as spiritually disappointed as you are that there isn’t any “earthly” hope for them, believe me, if there were I would never have “given up” on my P-son. It was finally coming to the conclusion that my son is at this stage in his life HARD WIRED to be a psychopath and that there is nothing on God’s green earth that will deter him from the path that he has set his own feet on.
My son had every good gift and talent that God could bestow on a human being from intelligence to charm and instead of using it for good for himself even, he chose to follow the path straight to hell. By the time he was 15 he made that decision that there was NO ONE who would guide or “control” him and he was convinced that he was smarter than anyone else on the face of the earth and could do what he wanted and no one could stop him.
Well, he found out that the cops could at least convict him, and put his butt in prison. Even then he had another chance, and blew it from the beginning, never intending to “go straight” when he got out. It’s all about breaking the rules and control of others. Even from inside his cell he still tried to “run” and “control” the family for his own benefit.
Over a year and a half ago I saw “Satan’s” eyes looking out from behind his face and it scared the crap out of me as he bragged/threatened me that his “crime was worse than the cops even knew”—what could BE worse than cold blooded murder? That was the last time I saw him.
At the time it broke my heart to SEE and hear such raw evil and hate come out of the eyes and the mouth of the sweet little boy that I raised, but he is no longer that sweet little boy that I loved, but he is morphed into a monster that I don’t even know.
Wini I would love to read your book on ethics or anything else my dear. Your shinning sweetness comes out, and your caring, even for the souls of the “souless ones” shows through. That is what makes you so very very special.
I wish I could have hope of any kind for my son and the disordered ones like him, because it must be lonely to live ALONE isolated from the rest of the human beings on earth. To have no common bond with humanity. To feel no connection or caring. What a sterile world they must live in, devoid of the basics of life. They have only existence, not really “life”.
Since I passed on the gene to my son, it makes me wonder if I am just a “carrier” or if I too, with some different set of circumstances, could have become a psychopath. In the studies of identical twins raised apart, there is only 80% (I think that is the correct number) of the time when both are psychopathic, so there is at least a 20% difference in identical twins, so circumstances DOES obviously make some differences in whether a person becomes a psychopath or not apart from genetics.
Plus there are “degree” of disorder the same as there are degrees of depression. I have seen depressed patients so depressed they wouldn’t swallow food if you put it into their mouths, they were like robots almost. Then I am depressed, but obviously not to that degree.
I imagine in 100 years that medicine will look back on our medicine and mental health treatment today and wonder at how primitive we are, like we look back on early medicine in our country, but maybe by then they will have found the treatment, operation or medication for a “cure” for everything from athletes foot to psychopathy. LOL
A pessimist says the glass is half empty, an optimist says it is half full, and Wini says WE HAVE THE WRONG SIZED GLASS! That was my husband’s favorite saying but he used “engineers” instead of Wini–but I think it applies to engineers AND Wini, because they always want to make things better! ((((wini)))))
Oxy, I know we are still buddies … I just wanted you to know where I was coming from … looking at all this from a spiritualistic space than a human space. I think we are so limited in human form … and if Tolle is correct (I hate to keep bringing him up but his book absolutely floored me) and I tried out everything he detailed and it works. I know, I’m easy to please and have an open mind … whereas, the psycho’s out there … as you call them … are hard wired. To me, that means close minded … liking and living from their ego … not listening to reason from elders that are wiser than they. Being brats that it’s their way or the highway. If your son wasn’t incarcerated, I’d swear you were speaking of my EX (LOL) even though my EX built himself a better mouse trap of portraying himself to be this nice, upstanding, decent guy. Incredible. I had no clue, no clue what so ever, until he was gone for a few months. It was my sister and my best friend that came over and made me drag out all the paperwork he left behind … put it in chronological order … and read for myself “fact versus fiction”. I worked with psycho’s my entire career. Seeing them destroy one decent co-worker’s career after another. I sat across from my major enemy in there for 10 years … 10 years of her sweet talking everyone, pretending to be their friend, charming, persuasive … then whamo … with her in the background … them getting the ax from some boss or personnel. Incredible. All these innocent victims that they devoured year, after year. I remember she came up to me as soon as the report came back from the court that they were giving me my settlement. She came up to me with this big phony smile on her face and said “congratulations, you won”. I just looked at her. Said “thanks” and walked away. What an a- – hole. This is the same chick that had to be outside practically every conference room when they brought me in for Kangaroo court. She’s the one that I told 10 years earlier “friends like you, I don’t need any enemies”. She’s also who I suspect used to slip mickey’s into my drinks when we went out happy hour. I deducted it down to who was there at the 3 times this happen to me … and guess what … this doll was there all 3 times. The other two, missed a time being out there. So I know in my heart of hearts this psycho is slipping that date rape stuff into people’s drinks. There’s a lot of weird things that would happen to some of my co-workers during the nights out we used to party in our 20s. She was there for all the events. Not all the others were there. So it is her. Sick, sick sick. I remember when I worked with her … and her mom who lived in Michigan or one of the “M” states was diagnosed with breast cancer. Well, she played this up with everyone she could at work … everyone sympathized with her … giving her advise etc. Anyway, she schedules her week or two off to fly out to take care of her mom. Her older sister was flying out too. Both sisters living in the same state I do. Long story short … she takes off, saying her goodbyes to everyone soaking up the attention. So I’m manning the office while she’s gone. First day she’s not there … I get home from work … my phone rings … yes, it’s her. I said “wow, your flight got in all right and your at your moms”. She laughed and told me that she was taking time off and was going on vacation … that she’d fly out to see her mom’s scare and that’s it. She wasn’t doing anything for her mom. From that call on, I kept her close … but knowing who I was dealing with.
It’s their egos OXY and Tolle explains this in depth in his book. Please read it. I’d love to hear your views on the man. Plus, you can listen to him on Oprah.com and download his tapes.
Peace.