Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
Natogin,
You are not wrong. He will not change. Good for you for getting out so quickly. Now you have a mess to clean up. How do you pay back all that money?
One dollar at a time, Natogin. Most of my debt is due to bad decisions I made under emotional distress. So, Bad Man didn’t run up my bills. But.. I still had to pay it all back and I have already paid back more than you indicate that you owe. It can be done.
With each check I write, I feel a little more free. I hope to never ever get into so much debt again under circumstances like these. I know it can be overwhelming.
I wonder if you can dispute any of the charges by explaining, without details, that it was a “Con.” I say without details because sometimes saying less is easier.
When I had to change my phone number, I told the Cell Phone Company simply, “I had a stalker.” I found that that basically told the story in a quick way that the Sales Rep could understand, they didn’t question me as if I was some kind of hysterical woman, and they were eager to help.
I wonder if a lawyer could help you get out of those charges. Especially if you can show that in your regular credit history, you have never wracked up that kind of debt in the same period of time.
I am just thinking creatively. It’s worth a try. And of course, get all your Credit Cards onto 0% interest if you can. (Stop the bleeding… as they say.)
You can get through this. It will be hard but you can do it!
Good luck dear lady… I know how overwhelming it can be to look at the state of things. Talk stock of the situation and they bite off a small piece and chew it… then go to the next piece. :o)
Natogin.. I know exactly how you feel, but if you take him back I think you’ll just be kicking yourself soon. Please try to be patient with yourself. Consider it a learning experience. Now when you help women like this you’ll really know all about it from both sides.
But damn it, he ought to be paying his share. I know you are still a little bit under his spell, especially if you feel like you’re going to die, or worse, like you want to die.
My last exp. with my playboy left me feeling like it would be better to die than to live without the feelings he gave me. But really, I know now this is a warped way of looking at things. Please hang in there, and if you can muster the willpower, go for the jugular. After all, you aren’t trying to hurt him, just to make him accountable. These people get away with it over and over because their victims just slink away and never stand up to them.
Natogin,
The sweetest revenge of all is to have NO CONTACT with your ex. Is to move forward with your life one baby step at a time. If you try to play his game of payback, you will lose especially now as you are suffering immense sorrow and emotional pain caused by his deceit and manipulations.
He feels 0 guilt, 0 remorse, 0 empathy, 0 compassion, 0 concern and 0 love for you. That is an extremely painful realization to figure out, but it is reality, it is the truth.
I think from reading your words, you are very emotionally fragile and most likely susceptible to any inferred or even unintentional criticsms. That any tiny word can cause you to cry and hurt. Practising fire to fire with a sociopath is likely to see you burned much worse than you are now.
This is your time to heal. This is your time to be gentle with yourself and not blame yourself for falling in love with a predator. It happens to smartest, the wisest of us and it will happen again to another unsuspecting woman/man.
Please be extra careful when dealing with your ex. I can candidly admit to any type of justice, vengeance I have executed towards my PDI Xs, it has backfired and I paid too dearly, too many times. I am speaking from my own personal experience here and my painful, consuming involvements with predators.
The only liberation from the heartache and deceit for me was to ignore them, move away, disappear from their radar. My disappearing act allowed me to have a clear head, and to be able to confront, accept and embrace the terrible fact that I was used and abuse.
Remind yourself, when you’re ruminating over the few good times you had with your x, of the bad times also. Because I’m sure that those were much more plentiful than the honeymoon illusion he created just for you.
Remember the hateful, harsh words and actions, the constant flow of lies, lies, lies, to help you in discovering that you did not deserve such terrible treatment, and that you absolutely deserve to be treated with respect and genuine concern. It is your right as a human being.
Dear Natogin,
This blog is filled with smart women, women who are educated about psychopaths and those who weren’t so educated in mental helath but you know we have almost all thought “how could I have been so blind”—we are human, we are caring people, that’s how we could have been so blind, and we were CONNED by the psychopaths lying words. It is fortunate that you got out so soon, it really is, but I know that doesn’t make it hurt less. It might mean though that you have $9K to pay back instead of $90K or $190K—I know that’s not a lot of consolation but what the others said above is so true, just do it one dolar at a time. Use your good sense and your experience to help you, with the same professional skillyou would use to help me, or someone else.
As far as sending him to jail or getting legal justice, that is for YOU to decide if it is worth it or not. It is an investment of YOUR time, YOUR energy, and YOUR emotions and only YOU can decide if it is worth it or not.
I did invest some of my time in getting the parole revoked on one of my Ps and I did it because I could, and I was safer with him in prison than with him on the outside. I did legally confiscate his assets (vehicle and bank account) to repay money he had stolen from my mother, and also to keep him from having those assets when he got out—no money and no car would handicap him in several ways so that when he does get out, he will probably return to the state he came from and leave my state since he has NO friends here or help of any kind and will be afoot and broke–esentially homeless.
But there is no “right” or “wrong” in what you do legally, that is up to what you want to do and invest in doing.
PROTECT YOURSELF both physically and emotionally, and focus more on YOU than on him. Focus on healing yourself in the best way that you can. Learn, read, learn some more, and be GOOD TO YOURSELF. I spent way too much time beating up on myself for being “blind” and the “I should’a’s” than was good for me, so I do hope that you will stop beating on yourself or feeling bad at yourself, because you fell for a con. You are among a group of pretty smart cookies here on this blog, and believe me there are people here who are a lot smarter and better educated than I am that have fallen for a con, so I don’t berate myself any more—I am in good company! And so are you, you have come to a healing place of caring people and good information. (((hug)))) Be good to you.
Jane Smith and OxDrover:
Thanks for your advice to Natogin. I’m learning a great deal from it.
Do I want to fight fire with fire? I don’t think so. I lost over 60k from the P. I’m learning to walk away from the financial loss. It’s very tough to do.
Sometimes, I want to revenge by going to the FBI, District Attorney, etc….However, I don’t have the strength to fight anymore.
Anyway, thanks to everyone. I’m still reading the LF on a daily basis.
Dear bookworm,
I’m glad that the advice to Natogin was helpful to you. That is the thing about the Ps is that they are in so many ways so predictable, and in so many ways, even though we are so different yet we victims are all going through some of the same things too. Justice is one of those things that in order to get it you have to work at it, hound the police etc. and sometimes it just isn’t worth it to go through the hell you have to go through to get it. But that is up to each of us in our circumstances to decide for ourselves.
It is tough to walk away from money that you know thye stole, but sometimes it is worth it to just say “it’s just stuff” I can get more stuff.
I feel violated when people take my “stuff” but in the end, I have come to the conclusion that being bitter isn’t worth it. It’s hard, and I have had to work hard at getting rid of the bitterness and hatred that the Ps have engendered in me. The crappy things they have done. It is a natural inclination to want justice, but I didn’t get it most of the time, so that meant I either had to stay bitter or just “let it go” and “get over it” NOTeasy, but working hard at it, MOST OF THE TIME I can deal with it, don’t let it bother me. If I am “down” sometimes those feelings creep back in like a fog drifting up from a lake, but I just have to turn on the “fans” inside my head and blow that fog away.
Glad you are here reading. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and taking back our power to be ourselves, heal ourselves and not let them ruin our lives is the best revenge we can get!
Thank you everyone for you advise. It’s hard but I hope that in the end it will get better. My mom just told me today not to mention him again, I want to but it’s hard. He is popping into my mind so much lately I can’t help it.
It’s so lonely how you fight it. I am trying to date but I am so fragile, I get hurt so easily. Am I doing the right thing in dating so soon? How do I know that the next guy wouldn’t do the same thing to me? Are they all like that? Are there decent guys out there? How can I protect my self? Do I just not date?
Natogin,
If you want to discuss your ex sociopath, come here and vent, cry, rant, share because you are with people who not only believe you, but will comfort and support you. You are receiving validation from women and men who have been through the trials of hell that you have been through.
We know, we understand, we comprehend, we believe, we care….
And for dating? Oh goodness me, I would have to say it is too, too soon for you. Why would I say that? Because, Natogin, I’ve been there, doll.
Please, please spend some serious time confronting and accepting the realization that you fell in love with a predator.
After this realization, spend some time in gentle self examination (no blaming or self loathing, ok?) learning why you are susceptible to predators. You aren’t the only one so don’t even think that, ok? Many highly intelligent women and men have fallen in their trap, so please be gentle on yourself.
Here’s a list I wrote while not only coming to terms with my recurrent preoccupation with predators and their smooth, disarming charms, but why I was so gullible, so vulnerable, so willing and able to give whatever I had to them. This is the list that will allow me to protect myself in the future:
1) Heeding my beloved intuition. If she screams..”Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!”…I would calmly remove myself from the current situation. Your intuiton is there to protect and serve you from serious injury, whether to your heart, your mind, your body.
2) The initial red flags—ties in with the intuition. Again, if she is ringing her alarm bells in your ears….leave. Nothing here but pain and sorrow.
3) Setting and implementing concrete boundaries. Mine are not allowing anyone to disrespect me verbally, including sarcastic, belittling comments. Not being too understanding, too forgiving, and especially not dealing with too much BS. I have my ideas, my opinions, my beliefs and so do you, natogin. You are your own unique person and you should stand up for yourself in any situation. Respect yourself most of all.
4) Learning to love and accept me as I am—-The Lord created me this way, so it’s time to love me genuinely. It’s taken me a life time to reach this goal, but by truly loving me for who I am, good things are and will happen.
There’s more to the list but I dont’ want to bore you. Just take your time in the healing and recovery process. You will find more happiness in another person only when you have created happiness within yourself. That takes nurturing and acceptance of who you are.
Hey Blondie,
I can’t really understand why he keeps wanting to maintain contact with you.. he’s got to be getting something from you, or thinking he might. Obviously he doesn’t want to burn his bridges with you for his own reasons.
But.. it is illegal to contact someone who has made it clear that they wish no contact. It is harassment, and if they use the phone or e-mail to do it, it is aggravated harassment.
I know it takes a certain level of disgust with the person to threaten them with this, or go through with it, but you do have that option. If you write him and warn him, “If you contact me again I will have you arrested.” And you save the e-mail… then he really can’t keep calling or writing unless you fail to report it. The cops and judge will do the rest.. you can even get a restraining order if you need one. It’s up to you.. for me, with my latest cheater bf.. him not contacting me hurt much worse than him cheating.
Hello OXY. Hmm–Well I have had a small set back tonight. I recieved an email from my (X”S) new boyfriend. This person named Ron has been toying with me online. Then tonite he said “Mike” say’s you are a really nice guy and you have a really nice place. And that he wanted to meet me because Mike say’s we could really have a good time. A few week’s ago this would of done me in, but tonight I am a little unnerved but I will be ok. I did respond to Ron’s email explaining Sociopath’s and warned him that he was in danger. But from what I gathered from this new victim they are both Sociopath’s living in the same cage looking for intertainment. This just proves to me how callous and ruthless Mike is. I blocked his emails, they don’t have my number’s but I think I will start locking my gate at night again.. Oxy give me some of your special words. Just today before I got that email I was feeling so healed and recovered. I know all the fact’s, it’s like a math problem, I can add it all up and know exactley what is happening, know exactley why I feel this way or that way. This should not be bothering me at all, not now. I will be ok Oxy, thanks for listening……)))hugz(((