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8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / 8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

July 14, 2008 //  by Donna Andersen

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Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:

If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.

Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.

It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.

A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”

That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.

Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.

So how do we recover?

8 steps for recovery

Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.

1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.

2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.

4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.

5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.

The long journey

There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.

Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath

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418 Comments
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kat_o_nine_tales
16 years ago

Sigh.. hugs to you Henry.. a-h’s abound out there and they seem to love the internet.

So used
16 years ago

I am so happy to know that there are people who understand what I have been through. The lies, the violence and the debt he left me with! I feel I am recovering slowly but my friends as great as they are, don’t understand how powerful he was at convincing me he was a wonderful man and the best thing that entered my life!!! I feel tremendous anger at how he destroyed my life and I get overwhelming thoughts of revenge every couple of months. I have reversed the sympathy act on him, I have told the whole town everything he did to me and they all believe it as he has bullied that many people when I was with him. The end result was he had to leave town!!! Luckily I have a court order that he cannot contact me in way or he goes to jail

Ox Drover
16 years ago

My dear Henry,

Yea, they are two lions living in a cage, inviting the LAMB to come over for dinner!

But what they don’t realize is that you are not the naive little LAMB that you were—you are now a strong and powerful wizard andyou can see through their disguises and see them for the wicket trolls that they are! How about that for mixing metaphors! LOL

Sure you have a nice place, so do I and they would like to have what you have, WHAT YOU HAVE WORKED FOR without any effort on their part except to grab it and use it and you. Just like my son and DIL and trojan Horse P wanted what I have, but they are not entitled to have it. I worked for it, it is mine. If I choose to SHARE what I have that is my choice, but no one is going to take it from me by either design or force.

Henry my dear friend you have come so far in all this, I remember how down you were and in so much pain and confusion, and now you are TAKING BACK YOUR POWER and BUILDING your STRENGTH! I am so proud of you and proud FOR YOU. I’ve cheered you on but YOU HAVE DONE THIS YOURSELF, I haven’t done it for you, I can’t do it for you, only you can heal yourself and you have already done an amzaing job of it. It will take more time for all of us, and we will learn for the rest of our lives because none of gets to “perfection” but we have all of us made GREAT progress in becoming the people we want to be, and sheding off the predators that would eat us alive. You are amazing, Henry! And you have already helped others by cheering them on, and that’s what this is all about. I cheer you on, and you cheer someone else on and it passes in waves of goodness and caring just like the ripples from a stone thrown in your pond. ((((Hugs)))))

Ox Drover
16 years ago

Dear So Used,

Welcome to Donna’s community of survivors, it is a caring and healing community of people who have all experienced the pain and devestation of the psychopaths in our lives and we do understand, and we will listen, and best of all, we will believe you! Knowledge is power so come here read and learn and put it into priactice in your life. Feel free to post here and share your story with us, it does help to know that someone will listen and believe you. Welcome.

blondie
16 years ago

my ex leaves me messages saying that im heartless and i never loved him..blah blah.. he told me he changed! he told he is going to do whatever it will take to prove to me that he is a changed man. i dont buy it one sec. i think he says that so i will second guess my choices. just the way he speaks sounds so self centered, and full of ego like he is god. im realizing i need to grieve some more. i got so angry about what he did to me for two years, and started crying, bc iam human and have feelings…lol. i need to work though those feelings some more, bc iam still hurt and angry.

newworld view
16 years ago

gosh blondie, i wish there were a way for you to block the calls so you cant listen to those messages….its to tempting to when they go through….and then it is almost like starting over at day one again….ouch

Beverly
16 years ago

Dear Blondie, Problem is that when they are whispering nasties in your ear, its like they are dumping out their guilt on you and abusing you still. Detach from it, look at it from a ‘distance’, think about it, then you will know what to do.

blondie
16 years ago

thanks everyone 🙂

kat_o_nine_tales
16 years ago

Natogin you speak for me as well. I’m not dating because A. I don’t trust anybody anymore, and B. I still miss the stupid cheater.

But how do you fight it, beats me. I wish I had a best friend to snuggle and watch movies with or something, but mine has two little kids right now and I don’t want to bother her too much with my angst.

It’s hard for me too.. because two of my good guy friends who were dumped in the last two years by really nasty women, are both mooning around lonely (and horny) and it’s so tempting. But no sense in it, we don’t need more complications.

hens
16 years ago

My Good Friend Bloggers. Seem’s like one day we are all doing so well and the next day we are a mess. I am going on 4 months now of no contact. I have been feeling so empowered with my knowledge. Have even been seeing someone that at first I didn’t trust, but I don’t trust anyone, well any possible love interest!! But oh well- I got kicked in the butt last nite. I did the thing I hate most. It has been years but last nite I logged into a gay dating site. Went to a local chat room and this guy start’s messaging me. Saying this and that and then he say’s he is my (X)s new boyfriend. I went numb. But I did tell him about sociopaths and warned him he was in danger. I deleted my account, blocked his email’s. This is the guy my X met on my computer when he was living with me. This guy even invited me over for a good time with both of them. I have been in a funk all day. I set myself up for this. I guess I need to throw my computer in the pond. It is such a sleazy way to meet guy’s. But what bother’s me is this guy is really goodlooking and 10 years younger than me. I am so stupid. I don’t want to go to the club scene, I am afraid I will see them. I guess I need to dig a hole and jump in it. All gay men want is a quick trick. I am so over that. Should I take up knitting? I so miss that frickin allusion, and that is sick on my part. Why do I feel so alone and hopeless? I dont want the jerk back. I don’t know what I want from him. I sound like some teenager with a crush. God if I werent gay life would be so easier, seem’s like women know about love and comitment. Am I the sick one here?

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