Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
sorry I am re-hashing this tonite. My X (P) (BPD) was here 3 years, it was three years of hell. Before he fell in my lap I was single 20 + years. All those years I carried on with life, my son’s, my work and tended to my (N) mother. Yeah I was busy but always in the back of mind I thought that one special man has to be out there somewhere. And yeah I kissed alot of frog’s looking for him. But I had given up and kept my self busy with living. Then this freak of nature walks into my life and turns everything inside out. For those three years I just wanted him gone, but held on to him like crazy. Yes I know what he is and why he does what he does. about 2 months ago when I was at my worst, total confusion, my son came over and set me down and said dad “I have known you all my life and you do better single, you are a hermit and I like you better as a hermit, just find you some buddy’s and stop all this crap with mike!” That told me alot about myself and about my son, My son want’s me to him self, he doesn’t want me in a commited relationship. He just want’s me the way I was before the sociopath. I lost 20 ponds those 3 years. I am better, gaining wait and feeling good physically. I have to accept that this freak of nature was just that. But that illusion woke up emotion’s and feeling’s of love I had kept under control. I feel so out of control. I am not depressed and anxiety ridden as I was, just disconnected with myself………..
God Henry I wish you were straight. Why are all the good guy gay???? Henry neither side has it easy but I say go out and if you do see him laugh harder flirt more and make him eat his hart out. f**** them all
henry dont beat yourself up so…..you made a mistake, immediately caught yourself and are back in the driving seat……i know you are as lonely as we all are…but youve made so much progress in the last 4 months, now it is probably way to soon to have a relationship……..ive been holding out hoping the right one comes along, but realize right now anyone may look good and that is what caused us this problem to start with…………..
and no its not being gay……..so funny this wknd i said to a friend of mine..i wish i was lesbian, it would be so much easier…..lol…so listening to you i guess not……just like the girl with straight hair wants curly , and the curly wants straight………………gay-straight…makes no difference……….we just spent three yrs of our lives with a disease…and now we are cured, but need to rehabilitate
sounds like your kids love you alot
too bad some of us dont live nearby, we could go to a movie or exercise or do book club or something…. terri
Henry if you throw your computer in the pond we would miss you terribly. You are so special on this site and I know.. in real life. If you weren’t gay you’d probably have all of us fighting over you cuz you are so sweet and funny. I do not know how the heck anyone meets anyone nowadays.. if you don’t party and actually care who you wake up with. Can’t trust the internet anymore. Bars suck. I’m sure it has nothing to do with being gay, it’s just the same for me, but then I’m looking for a man as well aren’t I.
I agree with new world.. when this is over we should all meet somewhere and have a giant party/popcorn/pillow fight/movie fest or something. Don’t you feel like we are all siblings, or members of a sad and frustrating fraternity?
Henry, dear, everyone who is a normal caring person wants a RELATIONSHIP, those people who have “friends with benefits” are so SHALLOW. Love and sex should be a thing that go together, a bonding ritual between people who love each other.
We talked about it earlier remember? Heck, Henry, I’m 61 years old and I like sex just as much now as I did when I was 21, and you know what, I have the same feelings inside me that I did when I looked like a movie starlet. The same passions the same needs the same feelings, but the difference is that I KNOW NOW that just a roll in the hay isn’t worth a FLIP if it isn’t attached to someone I LOVE.
To say nothing of the chance of an STD—1 in 5 adult Americans has Herpes. You know the difference between Herpes and true love? HERPES IS FOREVER! You know what they call people who use condoms for birth control? PARENTS! If condoms won’t protect your partner from preg what do you think they will do for diseases? Not much. I’m not willing to risk my LIFE and my health for a roll in the hay with someone I am not IN LOVE WITH and that I am pretty darn sure is IN LOVE WITH ME.
I realize I am the “old fuddy duddy” and the “nurse” etc. but you know what, kiddos, I am also a pretty smart cookie about that sort of thing! I taught sexual health to college kids for years–and got some of them to listen to me, even.LOL
My chances at age 61 of finding a man I would have that would also be interested in me are about like winning the lotto and I know that, but you know I would rather be by myself and celibate for the rest of my life than to be in some bad relationship with some jerk…or get some STD for a roll in the hay with someone who really didn’t care about me.
But in the meantime I’m gonna have a good life, and I intend to be happy, laugh and enjoy life!
Now, Henry, you quit kicking yourself and “dont make me come through this computer screen”! You know what a cranky old witch I am when you get down on yourself! LOL (((hugs))))
You gal’s are the best. I think we are addicted to romantic love, it is the most addictive of all emotion’s. . I guess I should find another addiction, maybe cocain or meth ( have never done either) and that way I could just stay high and not give a shit. Or smoke pot and stay numb. Maybe shock therapy..ouch.. Yes I believe in God and talk to her alot- she does give me comfort and strength, but I need the physical touch. I was so single for so long. I miss holding hand’s when we took drive’s in the country. I miss so many thing’s about being with someone in the physical scence (not sex). It’s like damn I wish this had not happened, I didn’t realize how single I was. Yeah Natogin I need to go out to the snake pit’s and flirt and get laid. I need to erase romantic love out of my head and just get over it. Life is complicated for all of us. I need to make decision’s where I want my life to go, I hate being in this limbo crap. Natogin your comment (f*** them all) thanks for making me laugh!! Kato Nine Tales Thanks for saying you would miss me, so often I feel out of place blogging here and so often when I re read my post’s it’s all about me and I feel like a big whiner. I have not always been like this and I don’t want to stay like this and I know in my gut that I won’t. I enjoy life too much- I want to do for other’s like i used too. I just hate what the sociopath/physcopath/borderline personality disordered fucked up cluster B cluster fuck’s have done to us. Just today a guy told me I am to sexy to be hiding at home and everybody has broken up before and i just need to get out and meet someone new. I don’t want a new cluster B to deal with. Maybe wanting to share a life (together) is not realistic. Maybe we should just look for a good friend with benifit’s, someone to love at a distance. I have said this before LOVE screw’s up alot of good friendship’s. New world View, I would love to have a slumber party with all of you, but the first movie we watch will be Broke Back Mountain, and to those of you that have not seen it please watch it. There is nothing in it that will make you uncomfortable. It is not a gay movie at all, but you will be moved. Thanks to my invisable cyber connection buddys… I will be better tomorrow, we all will wont we?!!!!!
Oxy- I just adore you, sorry I am down the last 2 day’s, I did it to my self. Like new world said- I made a mistake and realized it and I am back in the driver’s seat. When something’s really upset’s me I come running to all of you. But I want all of us to find peace and relax in our own bodies before it is too late. This is where so many of us are going to make those positive changes. One step at a time. Oxy you are always so encouraging to other’s but you don’t have me fooled one bit, you come here often for support. You are a strong women who has overcame so much. But it is a daily thing for us, everyday we work hard at being our best selve’s. Oh I have been rambling enuff goodnite everyone especially that cranky ole witch!!!!!!!
Dear Henry,
I did love Broke Back Mountain. It was a great movie.
Yea, you did do it to yourself, but you know what, Henry, you know that and generally we do do it to ourselves, I can say that cause I am “guilty” of that myself, so I’m not throwing stones at anyone.
I just read most of Viktor Frankl’s book again tonight, and I always feel so humble when I read what that wonderful caring man felt and thought under such horrible conditions, living for years in a Nazi concentration camp and still SEEING MEANING IN HIS LIFE AND SUFFERING. Now buddy of mine, THAT is a man! I would like to be worth what the dirt under his fingernails is worth, I would like to measure up to his big toe!
We all want someone to love, and to love us. That is human nature. Frankl’s opinion is that the meaning of life is LOVE. I agree, totally. That’s why we were so blind sided by those we loved, that couldn’t and didn’t love us.
I have loved. I do love. I can love. I will love. I am loveable.
I think every person here can say those above statements and know that they are true.
The Ps have nver loved. They do not love. They cannot love. They will not love, and they sure as hell are not loveable.
My husband has been gone for four years, in between I had the X-BF-P in the months between the 8th and 16th months after my husband’s death…I’ve not been on a date since. So, what’s that 2 1/2 years since I went out on a date? But you know what? All of the statements I made above are still true. There may not be guys linning up at my door wanting a date with me, but you know what? I’m not out prowling either. If it happens, fine, if not, that’s fine too. Right now, I am CONTENT to be taking care of ME. I’m not even sure that I’m really “ready” yet to start dating. DAting takes time and energy and anxiety and uncertainty, and right now I have energy that I am concentrating on ME and I’m not sure I want to spend any on concentrating on a relationship until I am further along in my healing.
The biggest “mistakes” I have seen people make is to let the being lonely drive them into another relationship and they fall for the first P that comes along. It happened to me, and it can happen and frequently does to others because we are SO darned lonely we ignore the RED FLAGS. Every x GF he has is or was just as lonely as I was at that time. He picks them that way. He preys on them because they are “easy pickens” and when we are that lonely we might as well have a flashing red light on our heads like the “Arbys” sign that says “Psychopath pick me~!”
Keep yer britches zipped and quit looking around til you get your head on straight, Henry. It’s only been four months for you, and it’s been 4 yrs for me, and I’m taking my own advice so I’m not telling you to do anyting that I don’t do myself, my fine friend. Spend time with the greatest guy in the world—YOURSELF. Spend time with your kids and grandkids, get your hugs from them, hold their hands when you walk your doggies. I hug the heck out of my kids and my friends, and cuddle with my dogs and pur to the kitten. Get warm kisses from the Jack Asses (as long as I feed them their favorite treat, bread!)
Go out to dinner, or cook in with FRIENDS that don’t have designs on your body, sit at home and contemplate the lint in your navel, read, turn on the music and dance by yourself, go to a nursing home and volunteer, go to a soup kitchen and ladle out soup. Go to the library and read to kids. Go to the local humane society and clean out kennels. Get out and get with life, find interesting people and interesting thing to do.
Take a class in something you never did learn to do but always wanted to. Take up knitting, or sky diving, or learn a language you’d like to speak. Plan a dream vacation.
There are times I feel so lonely at night, sleeping alone in bed, even with the doggie there, that I sleep on the couch, cause on a couch you aren’t “alone” cause no two people can sleep on a couch together—at least not mine! LOL In my bed it feels like I’m alone on a football field it seems so big just for me and the little dog. Heck if the collie didn’t have so much hair I’d go bring him into bed with me just to fill up space. But you know, in spite of that feeling, I don’t want that “space” to be filled up with just “any warm body” because without TRUE LOVE and sharing, it would be just as bad as the P–just as fake, just as pretend. And I don’t want any more “pretend love” in my life. I want the real thing or nothing. But not only the real thing for me, Henry, I want the real thing for YOU and everyone here on this blog. We all deserve it if anyone ever did! But I jumped too soon after my husband died, I was so afraid I wouldn’t have another opportunity and I was SOOOO darned needy I FELL FOR A P like a bass for a lure! And personally, I ‘d rather be addicted the crack or meth than get involved with another P! So I am going to crawl into my bed alone again, well, except for the Bud dog, but he doens’t take up much space! Have a good night Henry! (((hugs))))
Dear Henry, You have so much support here. Look at it this way, you lost a S, but gained a whole gang of cyber buddies who are routing for you here. That’s a form of love. We all want Love, but it doesnt always come in ONE package. Healing doesnt go in straight lines either, sometimes we go forward a bit, then backwards abit, then forwards alot more.
Believe me, I know how that loneliness feels and you had Ms company and you probably miss that – you were ok before that. But isnt about making a fuller life for yourself, a life that blossoms that eventually attracts the right ‘bee’ for you. In our lonely times, we dont want to get back into the stew, we did that before and look where it got us. Yea, its tempting to put ourselves ‘out there’ in a bid to get our needs filled, but thats where the predators are lurking, in the corridors of the needy and the vulnerable – but you know that. Surely part of the ‘journey’ of our lives is to make ourselves whole in our own right in order to attract another ‘wholesome’ friend.
You sound like a great guy and a genuine and kind person and that is part of your great assets and as an older man, you want more quality in your life – that is great. Knitting is a solitary thing to do, what else could you safely do to expand your contact with others – to build up a family collective of people who admire and love you. You have Oxy and Sister Bev and a whole lot of other people here who are on your side Henry.
During the last semester I slept on my side with all my college books and papers of the week on the other side.. lol.
That’s because school was my significant other I guess. They made me feel better sitting there, keeping me focused.
Henry.. kick romance out of your life? That makes me so sad. I want to tell you something I realized a few years ago when I was craving romance so very badly:
If you have to, it’s possible to romance yourself. You can do all the special wonderful things for yourself that you want someone to do for you, only you have to be creative about it. I did everything: bought myself flowers, took long bubble baths, read three romance novels in one day with a box of imported chocolates, lol the possibilities are endless. The best thing was the way I started to feel about myself. I felt better, more fulfilled, sexier. I think at this time I had a glow about me, that kind of self-confident glow that scares cheaters and users away. They know they won’t get anywhere with that kind of person.
I become vulnerable when I lost my home and job. I just got so scared, I know I was inadvertently putting off signals… dammit. Well live and learn, right? Henry don’t kick romance out of your life.. what would you do without it? Be a hard cold bastard like them?