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8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / 8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

July 14, 2008 //  by Donna Andersen

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Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:

If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.

Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.

It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.

A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”

That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.

Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.

So how do we recover?

8 steps for recovery

Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.

1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.

2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.

4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.

5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.

The long journey

There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.

Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath

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418 Comments
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Ox Drover
16 years ago

Kat, those are great suggestions, and I’m not for “kickingn romance out of life” just sort of put “consumating it” on hold for a while until we get our “sea legs” under us again and don’t put off that “I’m vulnerable, pick me!” sign off our heads for the Ps to see. LOL

I buy cheese and wine and those fancy little crackers and have a party for me on the back deck in the evening when it’s cool, and some candles, and some apple slices, or invite a friend or my son to sit with me if there’s someone around. That’s romance! Just no consumation. LOL

Beverly
16 years ago

Hiya Henry, You have so much support here from all over the world. As I said before, love comes in many packages and your boys are really very supportive and love you too. And hey having a new friend should bring back a twinkle to your eye. Keep posting and dont worry about having a good whinge and dont feel out of place either. I know that many contributors here have a soft spot for you Henry!!

JaneSmith
16 years ago

It’s true…

All the gorgeous great men are gay…..haha.

When I lived in a ginormous metropolis down in Texas, I resided in a part of the city that was considered bohemian..(imagine that, me enjoying a variety of odd, artistic, amusing people…haha). Some of my dearest friends were adorable gay males. And more than a few of them were romantic monogamous fellas who truly desired one partner only.

These were beautiful, sweet men who didn’t seem to have much luck in the romance department either. We would console each other, passionately stating that we were wonderful people and why did we choose such losers over and over again? One friend was always telling me how beautiful and sweet I was and he couldn’t believe the terrible relationships I was involved in. He would say…”Are straight men really so stupid that they can’t treat a great gal like you like the goddess you are?!” He was pissed!….haha.

Sigh..I miss him quite a bit.

They did meet my wonderful boyfriend of 3 years, (my now best friend), and told him he was a lucky man….haha.

Kat,

Yes! Romancing yourself sounds like a brilliant idea….haha. And when you’re truly loving, digging yourself you do emit a glowing radiance. An aura of feminine beauty. I like that!

And my cyber pal, I would share any of my meager, yet prized possessions with you, but….not my Godiva chocolate…haha.

Ok, you can ONE piece….haha. 🙂

**HUGGLES FOR MY CYBER PALLY WALLS**

JaneSmith
16 years ago

uh…cyber pally wallys…not cyber pally WALLS…haha.

Just mark it off as me being my usual space cadetedness. 🙂

Beverly
16 years ago

Hiya JaneS, How you doing sweet? We are having a heatwave here in the UK.

Personally I dont know any gay men, apart from Henry – and he certainly is part of the gang here.

Hugs to you too sweet JaneS.

Beverly
16 years ago

Dear JaneS. Thanx for your email. Will write to you in a bit.

JaneSmith
16 years ago

BEVVIE!!1!!

I’m super, how bout your lovely self?

A heatwave? In the UK?!

It’s like 70 degrees here in the Northwest US, which is fine by me after melting in Texas for all those years.

Ok, Bev, pack your bags because I’m comin to getcha!….haha.

We can go for peaceful hikes through the luscious forests, inhaling the aromatic scent exuding off pine trees, take pleasant bike rides through the cute neighborhoods, waving and smiling at zee people, camping by a pristine lake, roasting marshmallows and telling spooky stories..woooo…haha.

What say you? I am sooo very persuasive, aren’t I?…haha

Beverly
16 years ago

Ha Ha JaneS. Its nearly 80 degrees here and Ive been in the garden. Yes, its hard to believe, but yes, the sun is out in the UK. Sounds very appealing except for the bike riding, my 55 yr old knees wont take me that far!! But I like the idea of the pine trees and the marshmallows!!

JaneSmith
16 years ago

ok, Bev, we’ll just lounge around in front of a camp fire, enjoying the natural, awe inspiring nature, singing bawdy limericks while roasting marshmellows.

Don’t worry about bears because once they hear my deep, raspy singing, they will flee into the deep woods searching for ear plugs….haha.

Beverly
16 years ago

Sounds great to me JaneS. I didnt even think about bears!! Ha ha

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