Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
Henry,
I have been reading your posts since you first started posting and you seem like a very kind and caring person. If you do come to CO, which is where I live, if you can, make a detour and go to the Butterfly Pavilion in Denver. So pretty.
Rita
Dear Bev, thank you for asking! I’m doing better pretty quickly thanks to modern pharmacology!!! The lesions are drying up and the pain is subsiding. I’m one of those lucky souls who get them repeatedly (and usually under stress) my doctor was convinced it was some other form of herpes and he actually did some kind of test or culture and it confirmed that it IS repeated shingles. It’s rare, but “I”M LUCKY!!” LOL
Today is the anniversary of my husband’s death 4 years ago and I’m doing okay, though the last couple of days of it have been rather mopey–is that a word? Feeling a lot of anger rise up in me about silly stuff, I guess it is a good thing I am here on the farm ALONE so there is no one but the dogs to strike out at and I would never do that! In fact, my little Terrier is actually I think knowing something is different with me and though he is usually by my side, he seems to be comforting me or trying to more the last few days.
I’m glad you are getting out and about Beverly and doing some things you enjoy, that is good for all of us. I went out to eat Saturdaynight with a friend to one of my favorite eaterries, and we made pigs out of ourselves, and also ran into several other friends we visited with, so have had a day out recently.
My chief pleasure now is “building” my art studio out of the old offices behind the hangar, painting and making the sow’s ear look a BIT like a silk purse, at least less like a sow’s ear. I have two room almost finished so I have my loom set up and ready to finish warping for some more rag rugs, and my art supplies, brushes and canvas set up with my easels to paint when the mood strikes me.
My son D will be home to stay in about a week or 10 days now so we can get back to work in earnest completing our projects. They seemed overwhelming at first but are slowly being worked on enough to see some progress in them all. That was a big stress on me, and it kind of kept eating at me, the mess the tools and the working areas were in from us and various hired hands who were not willing to work after my husband died. I can imagine he is smiling at me now and saying “well, you finally get the opportunity to rearrange everything YOUR way!” LOL For a man and a woman who disagreed on so many things, we sure had fun! It’s a very good thing that we were BOTH very tolerant of the other’s peccadilloes or we would have been like the “Bickersons” LOL
When I compare the way my H and I settled differences to the way that the X-BF-P would “show out” and act like an ass it amazes me that I stayed with him 4 months before I really started to “see” and that I then stayed another 4 months after I started to hurt from his verbal assaults.
My husband was a brilliant man, and the X-BF-P was pretty smart himself, but he was, unlike my H, very DEFENSIVE about his “being right about everything”—even things that were in my life of expertise. My husband was proud of my accomplishments and my smarts, and my knowledge, but the X-BF-P was “threatened” by them. Even when it was just a matter of opinion–I like Brussels sprouts and you don’t—big deal, right? Nope, not the X-BF-P, if he didn’t like Brussels sprouts and I did it was because I was stupid or crazy.
Big difference in the way the disagreements, even the most minor, were handled. I think the reason is that my H loved me, respected me, and didn’t disrespect me because my ideas or opinions were different from his. We would vigorously debate them if it was a more objective kind of thing, but we pulled out the science books or whatever to back up our arguments, not “well, you’re just stupid to think that” and we came to an objective conclusion and each learned something and we both went away happy and satisfied that we had found the answer, not matter who was “closer” to right in the beginning. Not so with the X-BF-P, it was all about “being right” and “being superior” to him. Being “in control” and “control” over everything was never an issue with my H and Me. It was shared on some things, and other things he had “control” of how something was done and in others I took the lead because I knew more about the subject than he did. If we were building airplanes, he was the “boss” and if we were handling the cattle, I was the “boss” simply because it worked better that way.
Looking back too, I realize that my X-BF-s’ close friends were fairly “low class” and my H’s were a higher class of people not so much in money as in education and culture, where X-BF seemed to like to be around people he could look DOWN on, people who did manual jobs for a living, and had less money than he did, less education, etc., my H liked to feel more equal to his friends, people who were intelligent, educated, and had common interests like aviation or computers.
When I look back and compare X-BF-P with H it is amazing that I thought AT THE TIME that I had so much in common with the X-BF when in reality I had little except our mutual interest in Living History. Even his interest in that though was all about HIM, having more things that were authentic but that he had BOUGHT instead of made, and lording it over others with less money to buy their accouterments but who learned the skills to make them. I can almost laugh now at how blinded I was by the FOG and my own neediness at missing my wonderful relationship with my husband. Even my psychiatrist said that I was like a “junky looking for a fix”—and I think that is pretty right on, I just couldn’t see for the FOG.
Perk I will be going through Denver on the way to colorado springs, i wrote down butterfly pavillion, hopefully we will get to go see it. Have you ever been to (garden of the Gods) it is awesome. Oxy, I am giving you a big ole bear hug. And yes dog’s do know when we are upset or depressed. My 3 dachshund’s know when I am depressed and I swear Crickit, she is a little minature black and tan, she will get up in my lap and push her self into my chest and rest her head on my shoulder. It is the best hug in the world, and Harley, my little fat man, he will set next to me making sure he is making physcical contant, Posey, well I think she is a Narc, she just want’s food or attention but she is sweet. I try to be in good spirit and play with them and take them places with me. When I was in the bad fog depression they were depressed also. When the Booger man was here and we argued (alot) they would hide under the bed. But the four of us are doing great now. Oxy you are so fortunate to have had your husband, hang in there and focus on the good time’s…
I’m glad you are better Oxy. Yes mopey is a word, and I just sense the flatness. Anniversaries are always sharp reminders and you have so brought us into your world and all the things that have happened to you and your family that I just cant help but feel some connection. I think probably you are thinking about your husband, but that has also brought into light the comparison how wonderful he was, against the behaviour of your exP.
Loss is painful Oxy and you have had your fair share of trials and tribulations. On a positive note – you and I have also ‘gained’ a group of friends here, a ‘cyber collective’. Take it easy Oxy. (((hugs)))
Thanks, Bev, you are so right. I know the “losses” have been big, but I have also gained a great deal of peace, especially with the “loss” of my Ps. They are OUT of my life and that in itself alone is a BIG GAIN for me. Not having to deal with the constant crises and “drama” is very comforting and reassuring of my safety. I am starting to feel safe here again, and though I AM cautious, I no longer live in terror.
I also have gained a increased perception of how many blessings I have and how many really wonderful friends I have, including the people here at LF. I’m also starting to love myself and to be able to set boundaries which decreases my stress once I have done that. I’m consciously trying to cut things that are stressful and unnecessary stress out of my life. A flat tire is stressful, but it isn’t the KIND of stress that you can predict or that is “aimed at you,” it just is one of those “things that happen to everyone.”
I realize too that healing is a continuum, not a specific spot that you can aim for and say “I’m Healed” It’s like “being healthy” is a continuum, you can be healthy or more healthy or less healthy but still be “healthy” or you can be “sick” or “very sick” or REALLY sick, but you are still on the sick end of the spectrum. I am approaching what I think is the “healthy” end of the healing continuum but I also realize that there are still things I need to work on, will always need to work on, but as long as I can stay in the + end of the journey, I think it will all be fine. I do have a much more positive attitude than I did when I was in such pain I thought it never would stop.
Just being in a place where NC is not a daily fight is much much better! I’m and have been for a while, at a point I don’t WANT to see them or know about them. I’m not even curious any more about them or how they are doing. It just doesn’t matter to me any more what they think about me as long as they leave me the hell alone. I know it is the first really difficult step we have to take in order to heal and with my family members it was really difficult to do, especially with my mother, but I never could have made it without total NC.
Even the strong ones need support sometimes Oxy. I have always fended for myself been independent. I never really realised what support I had, until my friends rallied around during my surgery. Even my estranged brother, contacted me out of the blue a few months before diagnosis – if that wasnt a miracle in waiting. I see that God supports us all the way and when I was sitting in my garden, during my recovery, I was hit by the realisation that the world is such an abundant place, that God has provided a garden of abundance in one form or another – that realisation blew me away, I was then able to see more of a connection in life.
Life for me, Oxy, is Work in Progress, always has, always will be. Love and Hugs to you Oxy – you have come a long way.
Yes, Im with you now Wini. I have read Tolle’s book and my brother lent me the Power of Now, so I am on a steep learning curve. I soak up this knowledge like a sponge. Yes, after we get past the shock, then the realisation, then the hurt, anger and pain kicks in. After the turbulence subsides and we are left nursing emotional and physical wounds, after that – another perspective takes place – doesnt it? Suddenly I realised how the whole scenario linked with my past, what was in the dark was brought into the light. When thinking about whether I should go with the relationship, i remember searching myself deeply and giving myself the green light – I must have done this for a reason, and it wasnt about feeling lonely – I think that this is the deeper intelligence and perspective I was conscious of. The pain gives way to growth, knowledge and self empowerment towards the collective. Right?
Dear Wini, What I now see is a benevolent abundant God – for some of us, this is a spiritual experience as well. Wow.
I would like to share something that my sons grandmother sent to him today that I was fortunate enough to read also.
I do not know the author so I hope I don’t get into any trouble for re-typing this.
The Great Mandala & What I Believe
I believe-That just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I believe-That we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe-That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
-That true freindship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
-That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
-That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
-That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
-That you can keep going long after you think you can’t.
-That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
-That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
-That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
-That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
-That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
-That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
-That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
-That it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
-That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
-That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
-That two people can look a the exact same thing and see something totally different.
-That your life can be changed in a matter of hours for the good by people who don’t even know you.
-That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
-That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
-That the people you care about most in life are taken from you soo soon.
-That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
When I read this today, it really got me to thinking about the person I have become that I don’t really like. I have been hiding out away from everyone, my neighbors came over last week and asked me if I had been on vacation for the past month since they did not see me at all. Nope, no vacation for me, just hiding out in my house, which I told them and just about crapped myself cuz I just couldn’t believe I said that out loud.
I used to be a big people person, now I am afraid, I even send my son out to do my errands quite a bit because I cannot hold my head up in public. I have a very hard time reaching out to people when I need help or just companionship. This is the person that is me now. I just hope that if even one person out there, who is like me, reads the above and it helps them a little bit, that it was worth it to me to step out out my box.