Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
Henry, Good advice from Oxy. But I hear your desperation, but lets pull this one apart and keep pulling it apart until we get it on a deeper level.
You and I have much in common and I have needs too Henry, probably just as much as you do, so I do understand and we both want to get back on the horse, but there just arent any horses around at the moment. If I put myself ‘out there’, I could probably find a horse, but I dont want any old horse, I want a thoroughbred – I have always wanted a thoroughbred. To prove that we are worthy of a thoroughbred, we have to become competent and work through our difficulties and we have to show to the universe that we are choosy. If we are not choosy, then we will be offered something that is below the mark of what we really want. When we keep saying ‘no’, then our ‘yes’ really means something. And you and I said ‘yes’ to someone who captured our hearts but was way off the mark – why was that? Because as Oxy says, we are spiritual beings in physical form, so we have physical needs, but our soul speaks to us also – that is the dilemma. We want to raise the game, but living in the void – the wilderness – being alone – is very testing and very difficult and if we dwell on it – it can leave us feeling desparate – like a druggie looking for a fix. Where is that feeling coming from? Is it coming from that part of us, that child part, that was never loved? Did we bond into a P relationship, because we thought we had control, I was 13 older than the N, and have my own place – but they didnt play the game Henry did they and now we are lost. But being lost, in the void, is a good point, because in the cold light of nothingness, we can examine what we are putting out, where we are needy, so that we exert some control over that, hear that needy little voice, but not play it out. This is a battle for your soul Henry, just like me, and this time I am not going to sell myself short.
I do get offers from time to time but I have boundaries around that. You and I know (because you have said it) that we want a loving, respectful, fulfulling relationship at the least, dont we Henry? You have said yourself, you dont want to keep doing what you have done in the past, you want something more stable and fulfilling – so how do we balance that against the pull of our needs. How do we become whole without feeling lonely. Because we know that when we are wholesome, we wil attract another (thoroughbred) wholesome being – remember spiritually that what we think we are worth is what we attract. Also having a life that is a range of experiences is a wholesome thing to do, not just focusing on a partner, but having other people in our lives that mirror the range of who we are. I work with many many women, and except for 2 of us, they are all married, and they talk about the holidays they had and what they did over the weekend – I think blast. I am going to try and change jobs. I dont know if any of this helps Henry, but lets just keep talking about it, so that we fullydigest it, because if we dont, we will be prone to another P relationship – and I am NOT going to sell my soul to anyone.
Henry, as we get older, we become more wise, more discerning, we understand the deeper implication of things. Please forgive me if I sound like Im preaching, cos I dont mean to and I dont want to sound demeaning, but on a spiritual basis, what I did years ago, I would not want to do now, there is a part of me that might like to, but I keep that in check, because I know that on a spiritual level, that if have deep physical contact with someone, I take on their energies, like they take on mine. And look where that got me. Infact I was very restrained physically with him, to start with, because I know how I am, and I remember saying to him that I am quite fussy who I mix energies with, so I will need to ask him a few questions. But he duped me and I paid the price. But now I have learnt about the clever predetors, so I can be even more wise and discerning not only to those with PDs but to losers, jereks, spongers, and all those types of people. A wholesome man will want to examine your credentials, so lets give ourselves a good start. Hugs to you Henry. You have a whole fan base on here!!
Henry, I went to see a friend who I hadnt seen for some years, recently and I told her my story. She said ‘if he wanted you back, would you go’. I was aware that a little voice in me would say yes, but there was a big voice saying No. Its good to hear that little voice and speak to it, let it speak, tell it, that now you are moving on and would like to embrace people of a better calibre and comfort that little voice, because, like mine, it is your inner needy child looking for comfort, so dont be tempted to go backwards! Love and hugs Henry – lets get this one out, so we are not vulnerable again.
Newworld view, OxDrover, and Aloha:
Thank you very much for your advice. I told the lady about LF.
During my conversation with the lady, I realized that my story is also her story. He treated us exactly the same. He told her the same stories that he shared with me.
The pattern was exactly the same. Scary!
People, the truth is that the Ps are dangerous animals. Wow!
Run and don’t walk. Ps are very dangerous.
Again, thanks.
You know, Bev, and Henry, my step dad used to tell me that “anyone can get married in one day if they set their sights low enough.”
I have despaired about and also joked about the “chances” of me being able to find another mate—and the statistics ARE grim, about like the lotto. BUT–I also realize that if I do SET MY SIGHTS LOW ENOUGH, settle for a bum, I can go to the local homeless wino shelter today and pick me out a wino that will come home with me and marry me.
Of course I can see that I don’t want any of those me, no matter how “handsome” or anything else there was about them that might in some way “attract” me physically. And it is GUARENTEED that the kind of man I WOULD want is NOT THERE.
I actually sat down and made a “requirements” list for someone I would be “interested in” and a list of “deal breakers” (i.e. he could have 99% of the requirements and if he had even ONE thing off the “deal breaker” list as well, he was out of the running.
Just like if Henry found the “perfect guy” but the guy wasn’t gay the relationship wouldn’t go very far. (pickiing on you again henry LOL) Or if I found the perfect guy and he was gay our relationship wouldn’t go very far.
I know what I want in a man, but putting it down on paper and looking at it makes it “seem more real.” The deal breaker list is also important.
The male friend of mine who last year was so wonderful to help me escape, to buy the RV and set it up, give me a place to set it up, etc. was a really attractive, bright, sincerely believing Christian man and I actually found him quite attractive, but as I got toknow him better over the summer and fall, I realized that he had some tremendous anger issues that were unresolved from his first marriage (wife was severely mentally ill) and his second marriage (Wife was Borderline Personality disorder) and that even with ALL the other wonderful things about this man, he had some issues that I could not EVER have taken to a level above “friendship”—all this man’s wonderful qualities which he had in plenty, were negated by ONE thing off the “deal breaker list.”
Fortunately, our relationship was stricktly “friendship” but I “had been thinking” and kind of “hoping” they might go to a higher level at some point. After a couple of demonstrations of his “anger issues” I realized that NO WAY.
I have several great male friends, honest, caring men, that for SOMEONE would make great partners, but there is something on the “deal breaker” for me list that makes them totally unsuitable for ME. One wonderful friend I’ve known since college and we were buddies then, and he recently moved not too far away from me and we go places together, hang out together, work together, and support each other emotionally and have a super close relationship—why isn’t it “more”? Our ways of handling finances are totally different, and he has children at home and our parenting choices are totally differnt, his housekeeping ideas are totally different from mine, and I know that though I love this man dearly and trust him completely, I coudln’t have a long term relationship with him because it would “drive me crazy” to live in a house where you can barely walk between boxes of “stuff” and his financial decisions (that usually keep him in the red) don’t make a bit of sense to me at all.
And,I could go on, giving reasons for several really nice guys that I know that I am CLOSE friends with, why we wouldn’t “make a good couple”—-If just having someone to use the other side of my bed was the PRIME OBJECTIVE, I could have married any of these guys, but I wouldn’t have been as happy as I am now. I could probably have slept with them as “friends with benefits” but that wouldn’t have made me any happier either, so I jsut enjoy their company and the friendship but don’t “complicate” a good friendship by turning it into a bad relationship. An unhappy relationship. Sure, I am still a very sexual being, but I am not letting that ONE ASPECT of my physical needs DICTATE everything else. Because Iknow in the end that THAT KIND OF SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, without ALL the other good parts of a relationship and a “match” will eventually become a miserable relationship and the sex won’t be any good either because it is difficult for me to have sex with someone I don’t LIKE, much less LOVE. So, in the end I would not only not have a relationship I would have lost a great FRIEND.
Life lesson to take home: When you let the “little head” rule lthe “big head” it is always a mistake.
Speaking from my own experience, meeting and having a relationship with even a great new someone after the P when you did not take to time and effort to heal yourself, can also lead to unhappiness. I met a man in the last year I was with the P. He is not the “pretty boy with an attitude” type that I normally go for, but he is the sweetest man I have ever met.
Still, I am not happy or where I want to be emotionally. I snatched the nice guy up because I could not take one more minute of the P hurting me and the nice guy seemed so safe, which for once, I met an honest, kind, caring, loving man to take me away. I was selfish and I am ashamed of it.
So you see, just because you meet someone new, someone who is a great person, it does not take away the lonliness, the work you need to do to heal yourself. You just have one more person in your life that takes you away from your own self and healing and whatever you need to do before getting involved with someone new.
rperk6069 – It is true – thank you so much for bringing me back to that, because in my mind, that is what I am here for. I used to tell the N that I am a truth seeker – I dont think he liked that. My horoscope for this week, said I will by tying up more loose ends than a knitter finishing a knitting pattern!! Thank you rperk.
Dear Perky,
You are so right about that too. Another true lesson in “life after the P”—until we heal ourselves another relationship only detracts from the time and effort we need to use to heal oursleves. Just covers up the pain, not cures it. Like putting a bandage over a boil. It may hide it, but it doesn’t do anything to fix it. (((hugs))))
Dear Oxy, I spent a couple of hours last night sobbing, when the man emailed me about the care home/boarding school. So I must have alot of sad feelings about it. I emailed him back and said I would go to the reunion next year but I have mixed feelings and would probably need to go somewhere to cry. He said, dont worry, he will probably cry too and there will be plenty of tissues around. I even discovered that there are former pupils living quite near to where I live now.
Thank you Oxy for posting back to me with your support, I do appreciate it. I have shared alot of ‘stuff’ on here with you. I made a list too, but I realise that in order to attract a good calibre of person, I also need to be of good calibre – not perfect – but not acting from a vulnerable need. You are right too Oxy – there are one of two men, I could contact if I needed to, but they are not at all for me and my bottom line is that I need to resonate with someone in order to be interested. Thank you Oxy. I know you meant it seriously, but I had a little chuckle about the wino!! ((Love and hugs))
Oxy, when I say high calibre, I mean wholesome,good and kind.