Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
Remember the old saying “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”?
The Ps start out with the honey (charm) to lure us in, but then as soon as we have our feet tangled up in the honey, they start pouring on the vinegar!
Can you imagine how few people they would hook if they let themselves been seen as they really are early on in the relationship before we are deeply iinvested in it? Like all successful predators they have adapted to make themselves appear harmless to their victim until they are in STRIKING RANGE.
If we are going to be born as “prey animals” (which apparently we are) then it behoves us to ADAPT to be able to spot a predator who is disguised as a “charming” person. To learn the signs of a predator, their actions, their habits, and sights and sounds of the predator in disguise, otherwise, we will become DEAD PREY. Or at least wounded again.
You are all so helpful & inspiring. Henry, I cried w/ your entry and discovered how far away I am from recovery. I am stuck in obsession. I thought I was done, free of the memories, the promises, the future w/ marriage, or at least together. I cannot get closure. I cannot. I worry about Blondie, where are you? Because when she writes, I feel I’m right there w/ her, although I thought I was done. When Jane writes, it’s an exact parallel & Ox, well you’re so wonderful w/ your wisdom. So here’s the dilemma: I want to know, when I see the P for the first time since our desertion what do I say to him? I really don’t know. I’m trembling w/ not knowing. Help me. It’s so true that one goes back in & out of the stages of moving on. And what if he’s w/ someone? Oh, then what? So seductive. Takingmeback your written responses are thought-provoking–I for one, do not understand how an individual can just desert someone he “loves”. I don’t get that–sometimes I hold on to that thinking that I am healthy not stupid — that’s why I don’t understand. But of late, I don’t feel emotionally healthy nor smart. It’s hot in the south and I’m feeling ‘not quite together’. Perhaps I have become DEAD PREY. The wounds aren’t healing.
Henry, that was the most fantastic quote ever! It was just what I needed to read today, as my children are off boating with my ex and his new victim. Have been divorced for 3 months, and the new woman is moving in already. The interesting thing is… she’s moving here from England just to be with him, and he moved me overseas at the beginning of our marriage for several years. He is the master at isolating his victims. It worked so well for him the first time. He wasted no time this time. She will have no family here, no friends, only him – her one and only. I’ve seen his emails… “I have never felt anything close to this before… I will be able to fall in love with you in a week.” blah, blah, blah. Exactly what I heard.
He had no interest in his children for months, and now suddenly he wants to see them more often now that she is here. They make him look good. He is such the doting father. It’s so sick.
Those of you out there with kids must know the the pain I feel in knowing that my children are seeing their father completely dupe this woman. I have no doubt she is a smart, loving, empathetic woman… which makes it even more difficult for me for my kids to spend time with her. Any advice out there on how to handle these days when my kids are with them?? They are 11 and 13. It is so painful. He is now the fun one and I am boring. Rationally, I know that is not true, but that’s what it looks like. Kids are so impressionable.
Dear Catherine,
Yes, it is difficult, and sometimes we do lie on the floor in the fetal position feelling like we can’t get up again, that the wounds are so terrible we dont’ have the strength. AT the risk of sounding trite, “been there done that!”
When I was doing wild life photography I saw animals that were not severely wounded by a cheetha attack just lie there and not resist, they were so traumatized by the attack that though they could have gotten away from the unseasoned predator, they didn’t even try. I have since learned that this is a reflex reaction to being “contained” and it is now used with other prey-type animals (like cattle) to calm them during vaccinations etc. by “squeezing” them in a chute.
When we are so traumatized by the wounds, the feeling that we are trapped and can’t escape we are most vulnerable. It is our sense of survival that is muted.
Get angry, and fight, wiggle, scream, and don’t give up. It is only with giving up and lying there that they win! Build a raft out of anger and cross the river of pain, get away.
Don’t worry about what you will say to him. MUST you see him? If not, then don’t see him. If for legal or other reasons you must see him like in court or when he picks up your children…do the same thing I told a friend of mine who had to co-chair an international symposium with her X-P, pretend you are a QUEEN, THE QUEEN, and he is the man who cleans the toilets. Hold your head up high and BE THE QUEEN. He is beneath your notice. You are the QUEEN of your world! He is dung under your feet. You may fall apart later, but NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU BLEED. Do your bleeding here, don’t give that #$#%^ the satifaction of seeing you bleed. He does not love you, he never loved you, and seeing you bleed will only give him satisfaction that he made you hurt. If you can’t feel strong, at least ACT strong for the “performance.”
((((big hugs)))))
catherinejane I wish I could hug you right now. I’m glad you’re sharing your pain with us and reaching out. We know what it’s like. I have gone in and out of the stages for months myself. I wish I could say that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of the S. Those thoughts just don’t have power over me like they used to. It took time to get here. I still have a ways to go.
I know what has helped me in my recovery is my faith, this website and the wonderful words of everyone sharing their trials and triumphs, my self-guided research on S/N/Ps, therapy, medication, my professional experience and journaling my a$$ off. I have filled more notebooks than I could keep count of. With every feeling, every word I didn’t get to say, anything and everything goes. Then as soon as the notebook’s filled I throw it away. I want to get rid of all that junk inside. It is what keeps me going through the day sometimes. Drawing is another great thing no matter what your skill level. There’s serious healing in picking up a crayon and coloring book. Truthfully.
It has gotten better and I believe it gets better in time for all of us as we continue to process what’s happened. I recall being exactly where you are over and over and I was exhausted and emotionally ripped apart. I wanted it to be over and just when I’d think I was at the next stage I felt like I was right back to where I started. I still get those moments of pain every so often where I want to scream. I usually do. Then I use LF to reach out like you have today.
But those moments are becoming less and less. Please have patience with your recovery and find what nurtures you in difficult times. catherinejane, please know that the obsessing part is difficult but your mind is still trying to figure it out. Who they are and what they do does not match up to who we are in any way shape or form. Our minds gets stuck in replay mode trying to figure it all out and come to a place of peace in all this.
Don’t give up. You’re stronger than you think right now. Your healing will take time. I was not a patient person before my experience last year. This recovery has taught me to be patient. To allow myself to go through it no matter how painful.
The hardest part for me as well was to understand how someone who “loves” us can devalue and discard us. As if we never existed before. I asked my ex S that over and over. How can you say you love someone and then do….x,y or z? The answer. It’s not love. You are healthy and that’s why it is hard for you to comprehend. The painful realization that they did not truly love us is what feels the most traumatic to me. The way they come off idealizing us and then before we know it we are dropped on our heads and we don’t know why. It is not personal to them but to us it is very personal. We were the objects that were used up and discarded. That shiny new toy that once gave them such pleasure only to be replaced by another shiny new toy. That one will also be discarded in time as well.
I say that if you don’t have to see the P then don’t. If you run into him turn the other way and ignore him. If you must say something be confident and smile and then move along quickly. I remember when I saw my ex after the d&d, he accused me of being cocky. I was confident not cocky but my confidence threw him off. I had detached myself from him and he sensed it. It scared him and he actually looked paranoid. His reign over me was finished. Although he lied about it, he was with his ex-g/f again. He told me for months that they were just “friends”. This discovery hurt immensely. But I realized that she is living the same experience I did. She had already been d&d’d when I came into the picture. Then I broke up with him and he went running back. Keeps all his ex’s as friend he says. Gee I wonder why. Sadly she took him back and he’ll do it to her again. I don’t envy her. I am free. He wanted me to give him some time (about 4 months he said). He had it all planned out. He was going to give me time to heal and then come back for more. No friggin’ way! I made sure he will not come back. I choose freedom.
That’s the point catherinejane, one day you will realize you are free. You are free to be loved by someone who CAN love. You deserve that. For times that I felt weak I literally journaled over and over all the horrid things he did. All the blame he displaced on me, the lies, the twisting of my words, accusations of things I’ve never said or done. I would rewrite all of it as many times as I needed to until I got it through my head that I don’t want that. It was no longer about him not wanting me, it was about ME NOT WANTING HIM!
Please take care of yourself. You are smart and that smart brain of yours is still processing what happened. It’s a natural defense mechanism our bodies have. Give it time. One day I see you on here sharing your triumphs and helping others who are in the very spot you are in know. You are strong and brave and thank you for sharing where you’re at today. May you have some peace in the midst of your recovery and know that you are cared for.
Dear Almost_free,
I can’t imagine how painful it must be to share your children with this psychopath and to have him “romance” them as part of his “mask of sanity.”
The only thing I can think of for you on the days the children are with him is for you to do something special for YOURSELF. Go do something fun with your friends or even by yourself. When the kids come home share your “adventures” with them and askk about their adventures with daddy and the OW. Even if it hurts.
Then it won’t be long I guess before he tires of having the kids and the “new” will wear off for the kids and it won’t all be so “exciting” for either daddy-dearest or the kids. The thing I have found about the Ps in some of these impossible situations where we can’t control it is to just let it “run its course” and sometimes they will “implode” on their own if we don’t cause a fuss.
Take care of yourself most of all, your wonderful children will definitely need you to pick up the pieces when their daddy dearest disappoints them…and that day will come if the P-mentality runs par for the course. (((hugs))))
catherinejane3. All I can say is, we are in the same boat and it is filling up with water. I am still trying to stay afloat. I am better, this I do know. And I think with time and living life this will pass for most of us. But yeah it sucks big time. I can sit here and think about all the horrible thing’s he did. I can evern remember sleeping with a gun and hiding my check book money etc. Came close to calling the police several times. Now you tell me why would any rational thinking person want that back? I don’t want him back. For me the big thing I realize is he is sick-very sick. He lacks’s all sense of value and concern for me. He is wired differently, to him he does not have a problem, never did, never will. In the general sense, as long as he can get away with it, he will do anything that serves his desires. I am left with a feeling of emptyness. And I resent him for not having a heart or a normal brain, he will never feel this kind of pain. And even tho he is evil- it’s not right- and I think he knows what he does and enjoys doing it….
henry and catherinejane, I’m throwing you some oars. Come paddle over to me. With three of us together we have one to paddle and two to bail the water. I’m sure we can make it to land somewhere together! If we get everyone else to tote along we can find dry land, take our boats and built a ship. Then we can sail away from all the Ps, find a deserted island and start over.
Yeah, I can still dream. Take that Mr. S! I have my peace, my joy and my quirky sense of humor. Ha!
OK, so my grammar is still off….we can build, not built, a ship But hey I’m OK with that. LOL
catherinejane3. I feel your pain…. your story is like mine… like all of ours….. we were someone’s treasure, then we found ourselves sitting on the curb… no closure… nothing… just memories both good and bad, and the good ones are tainted… it doesn’t make sense and it never will….. I have re-lived it over and over, backwards, forwards, upside down, sideways and I always come to the same conclusion……nothing I could have done or said would have made any difference… it was them and not us…. it’s what they do, and they do it very well…..the only comfort you will ever get is that in your heart you know you did the best you could, considering the deck was stacked against you…. even at the first meeting with them….. we never stood a chance…..
So….since there is no chance at making their wrong right, we must then focus on our healing and making us right….I know….easier said then done…. I still obsess… and that has proved to be the hardest to get through….. I do lean upon my faith to get me through those days when my thoughts are consumed by her, and what I thought I had.. but when those days come, I try to think of bible verses that will lift me up… one of them is this……..
Philippians 4:8 niv
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
We all know here that our socio’s were never, nor capable of such virtures… and in that despite what we were told, or believe about ourselves, we do, in fact deserve such a virtuous person as a partner…. but.. we must heal from this horrific wound before we can truly be in a healthy relationship………..so.. my friend, be gentle and kind with yourself.. give yourself time….learn about you.. embrace you, learn to love you……and although the wound is deep and doesn’t seem to heal, it is… but it will take much time and nursing…….choosing to be healthy, and then implamenting that choice in everyday of your life requires commentment, perserverence, and intestinal strength…….Think of it as a challenge…. a contest in sorts, where you are determinded to come out on top, no matter what is thrown your way…. and when you have those dark days, where the pain bites at your soul, and your tears are your only friend, come here….. write out and express your pain, your fears…. we are all here because we care for each other and we UNDERSTAND…..we all have thought we have got over certain things, only to have had a “trigger”, and find ourselves two steps back… and as discouraging as that may be on the outside, in truth, that’s the way healing is….. two steps back, one step forward, and maybe even one step back, and five forward…..never underestimate the damage that a sociopath can do to a person…the pain and sorrow is worse then losing someone to death… I personally know this to be a fact…..
So, catherinejane3…. welcome to our community of survivors… and yes, we are survivors, and much more then that.. we are VICTORS……and in the future, if you were to ever “bump” into your socio, hold your head high, and never forget that you are the light and love… you are truth…. He is the lie, and always will be…… I repeat..ALWAYS WILL BE.
~R~
http://www.myspace.com/southernman429