Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
Beverly,
No, I didn’t read that post, but you are right about synchronicity. I have encountered so many questionable people in the last two years. I don’t know why the cosmos feel I need this lesson, but I am learning from all of this.
Henry,
No, I didn’t read the post you mentioned either. I have a difficult time keeping up with all the posts on all the threads and get lost or distracted easily. Your comment made me laugh out loud though. Thanks.
Hey Catherinejane
Im doing pretty good. it made me smile knowing that someone was thinking about me. everyday is a new day. ive been doing pretty well the last couple days. i know that god has a plan for me. everything happens for a reason, when its time i will meet someone special. i hope your doing well. some days i miss him and wondering what he is doing, but then i think back to all the bad things that he did to me, and all the issues im not dealing with anymore. my life has returned to the simple life i had before i met him. i can think again, my life is calm, i feel more calm and my life is not choas. im still feeling lonely, and im still adjusting to life without him, but i will get there. today im feeling postive, but im sure i will have bad days still.
Blondie I am so glad that you are doing better. It is good to know…Southernman- you are a good guy – thanks for your post. Ok this sound’s stupid, but will somebody garuntee me that he won’t stay with the new guy?
Henry………
When the suppy runs out, or he gets bored, he’ll move on…. it’s as predetermined as the sun rising in the morning.
Henry-not stupid at all. Can you guarantee me that it will rain tomorrow? And you know I think you are great, but why the hell do you care? He is a skank. So is his new man.(I do know how you feel tho.) Rita
thanks i need that…:)
thanks perky i love the word (skank) and thanks for showing me how to spell guarantee. I wasnt going to tell anyone this but you know me (mouth from the south), I have been posting some things in a gay website that I know he checks daily. Never used his name, But I want him exsposed. I just post things similar too what we talk about here. I know it makes me look crazy but I dont care…it felt good
Saw this on my Myspace bulletins… thought I’d pass this along here.. I hope that is ok Donna………______________________________________
Ways to Calm an Anxious Spirit
by Phylameana lila Desy
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1) Quiet Your Breathing
Observe Changes In Your Breathing – Whenever you are feeling the least bit anxious or nervous try to take notice of any changes in your breathing… Stress can cause hyperventilation (over-breathing). Quiet any rapid paced breaths by replacing them with steady and slow breaths… A daily meditation practice is helpful for maintaining healthy breathing and is also a good preventative measure for repressing anxieties… Breathing Affirmation
2) Give Your Mind a Time Out
Clear Your Mind from Troubling Thoughts – Any time you are feeling anxious or suffering mentally it is helpful to temporarily clear your mind of all thoughts that are upsetting you. It is simply not healthy to focus on your problems 24/7… Guided visualizations are excellent mental escapes that can help you to switch your focus away from anything that is troubling you. Picture yourself in a special dream sequence where you can relax and recoup your coping skills. Choose an ocean view, desert oasis, or garden path… Guided Meditation
3) Pamper Yourself
Pamper Your Mind, Body and Spirit – Remove yourself from the chaos and give yourself some quality alone time… Lock yourself in the bathroom and take that much needed soak in the tub… A bubble bath is your ticket to serenity. Enjoying a rejuvenating soak is just one of several ways you can pamper yourself. Try taking a solitary walk in the park, or curling up on the sofa and reading an entertaining novel… Me Time
4) Slow Down Your Responses
Get Your Ducks in a Row Before Reacting – Everyone has made the mistake of being over-the top reactive at one time or another. We compound our conflicts by responding without getting all the facts first. When it seems that the whole world is out to get you and you feel like lashing out right away… Wait! The situation at hand probably does call for a response of some kind, but please slow down your response. You’ll handle a trying situation in a calmer state, and come to a resolution sooner if you take time to fully assess the situation. Get all your ducks in a row before you decide on a response…
5) Create Boundaries
Keep Your Distance from Others – You may need to step back and create some distance between yourself and anyone who is making you feel anxious. It is important to pull back from others when you are feeling overwhelmed so that you are able to reserve your energies. Having protective boundaries in place can also give you a different perspective in order to help you more fully understand and better cope with difficult situations… Are Your Energy Boundaries Blurred?
6) Nurture Your Inner Child
Be a Loving Parent to Your Inner Child – Oftentimes when we, as adults, are experiencing situations that make us feel anxious or powerless our thoughts will turn to memories from our childhoods when we experienced fear or loneliness. When children feel small and helpless they look to their parents or guardian for protection… Take a moment to be a caring and loving parent to your inner child. Let her (or him) know that you will get the two of you through this rough period. Give yourself a hug. Don’t feel silly. You know you want to, go ahead, just do it… Soothing Your Inner Child
7) Hush That Critical Voice
Hush That Critical Voice Inside Your Head – Sadly, we can be our own worst enemies. Don’t berate yourself for not being able to meet your goals or falling short in some way. You’re doing the best you can. Just relax. Refuse to listen to that critical voice inside your head that says you’re not good enough. Resolve to transform any nagging words into praise for those things that you have accomplished. You’re doing just fine… Affirm yourself daily You are PERFECT!… Cultivate the Positive!
8) Lean on Somebody
It is OK to Ask for Help – Trying to take care of everything all alone can make anyone feel anxious, not to mention exhausted. It can be more of a struggle never asking for a hand than you might have realized. Seek out that soft shoulder to lean on and give yourself a rest…
9) Take a Spiritual Retreat
Treat Your Spirit to a Spiritual Retreat – Taking a few minutes out of your hectic day for a mental reprieve or taking a half-hour bubble bath each evening are good stress relievers… But they are probably simply not going to be sufficient for easing those larger anxieties that are slowly eating you up inside. Everyone needs a change of pace to help bring balance to their lives. You may need to take an extended vacation from work, or feel you need go off by yourself away from family members for a few days to find solace. Whereas an ordinary vacation can bring about its own stresses, a spiritual retreat feeds the spirit. You’ll come home refreshed and more readily able to face your day-do-day stresses… Worldwide Sacred Places
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About Panic / Anxiety Disorders
About Mental Health
About Stress Management
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source – healing. about. com
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Lightworkers
i hope, henry, that he doesnt know its you posting…cause if he can guess so you are just giving him great satisfaction and supply…..not sure how this counts in the no contact area
dont mean to sound so harsh…..its either that or a cast iron skilet….gentlemans choice..lol