Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
nw you are right – and I can see Oxy lookin for that skillit – your right I know your right – i will just blog here – you good folks understand – like Perky says why do I care? I really don’t..hmm maybe it’s male menopause….
Warning: Sorry guys here’s another novel. It was just burning to get out! I call it “The Pain the Ps Feel”. Hey I figure I should start giving them titles. Then you can decide if you want to read it or not LOL.
I can’t attest to exactly what the Ps feel but I do believe they feel pain. Pain for themselves but not pain for others. These folks have no concept of self. They are dependent on others’ goodwill to get any sense of who they are. I believe that most of them are paranoid because of this dependency. They are always on guard assessing their relationships in fear that they will be abandoned and left with themelves and the real void of having no true “self”.
I watched my ex recoil in terror as if he were truly afraid of me when I’d hold him accountable and question his behavior. I relentlessly reflected back to him what he was showing me. I could not understand him or why he didn’t take accountability and do something. This was not the man I fell in love with. Boy was that the truth.
I realize that he is afraid of me. I know who he is and last year I held a mirror up for him to see himself. He had no other source of supply and I was given a gift to be able to hear his own description of himself. Seeing the depression set in, witnessing the rage, watching the horror unfold. He later said I was dangerous and trying to make him homicidal. No actually I fell for his pity ploy and the therapist that I am was reflecting to him what he was doing. I was trying to understand him. That is a threat to any P. He felt I was trying to control him I’m sure. I just wish I knew then what I know now. I would have run in the other direction! But he is afraid of me because he sees himself in me. His failure and who I reflected back to him regarding himself.
I believe it is true that alone they are nothing and they feel pain. Intense, real pain. So they adapt by constantly seeking out others who have what they don’t have. My ex said he only felt “normal” around people he had no attachment to. Only his attachment to others is not like ours. It is one in which he tries to gain ownership and control. If the Ps source is threatened and they sense they’re losing control of us they find someone else and then discard us. There’s usually another victim identified or already there. Most are unfaithful and that’s because being with others, many others, is a power play for them. It fills them up with more supply. Only they are bottomless pits and can never get enough. You can’t become who you are from the outside in. It happens from the inside out. From our souls…the core of who we are.
Their lack of empathy makes them deplorable and there is no way to possibly excuse their behavior. But there is a reason for it. We won’t ever fully understand because we are blessed to be “normal” in the sense that we have a concept of our “self” and for me this is my soul not a mangled mess of an ego. We don’t need others to reflect to us who we are 24/7. The Ps need positive acceptance to ward off their inner feeling of shame and their anger towards themselves. If we are not constantly showing them that smiling face and accepting everything they do, be it good or bad, we pay for it. If we are not giving them our attention when they want it and how they want it, we pay for it.
Many articles I’ve read state that Ps think everyone else is like them. I don’t agree. Maybe some do but my ex knew he was different. I think knowing that they are different makes them spiteful at times and resentful towards all of us who can love, forgive, empathize and be everything they aren’t. They hate being dependent but they are. So they punish us for that too. However, I believe that they are all Borderline in a way. Borderline developed it’s name because that personality disorder is borderline psychotic. I believe Ps become delusional and/or dissociate as if having multiple personalities. As soon as my ex spoke those very honest words about himself he turned them around and contradicted himself and projected them onto me. He can’t accept who he is so easier to say it’s someone else to preserve any sense of “sanity” he has. However, this is not reality. It is here that they clearly disengage from reality to protect themselves.
In his mind, my ex S must always be seen as the victim and the one without flaws. He said talking to me made him feel insane. LOL I bet it did. But all I showed him was reality. I believe that Ps seeing themselves for who they truly are evokes that feeling of insanity. So they grasp onto what others can project onto them that is good and in turn they project back to others what is bad about them. Those who do not YET know who they truly are provide the good. Like we did for them when we first met them. But in their bottomless pits it will never be enough and so when the ugliness starts creeping up inside they project it onto us. Basically every nasty thing they’ve ever said or done to us is who they are, not us. They want us to believe it is us and perhaps in their distorted reality they convince themselves this is so. But it’s not.
It is a distorted inner world that they exist in. But do they feel pain? Yeah. I believe they do and that’s why they do what they do. As my ex said, he will always be miserable. He is right. He will. But thankfully I don’t have to be miserable with him. I will get past this pain. I have the ability to do it. He will exist in it forever being a victim to the world. My locus of control comes from within and from God. His is external. He believes he is subject to the world and all it throws at him so he tries to control everything in a pathological manner. It will never satifsy him and he will be imprisoned in his misery forever dependent on other people. As we know people will always let us down one way or another because we are fallible humans. It is not with intent, it just is. Which is why we are saved at having a sense of who we are. We can forgive others for their flaws and mistakes and still love them. That is because we accept ourselves and our own flaws and admit that we make mistakes. Ps don’t forgive others and I don’t believe they forgive themselves. My ex S said he felt shame if he hurt me. He, “should have known better in the first place”. He messed up his own game and the world he created where he was perfect. Me pointing that out was a huge injury. So he retaliated to get even for that bad feeling. Am I making sense?
I consider the pain I’m experiencing in my recovery to be similar to the pain they experience if forced to look at themselves in the mirror. Is it not traumatic? Does it not make us feel that we are losing our mind sometimes? Did we not exit that relationship thinking we were the crazy ones? Do we not feel abandoned and betrayed? Have we not felt used up, abused and discarded? I think if left alone they do too. Be it from their distorted, insatiable ego or ego defenses developed from past abuse, I think a lot of them feel this way. Which is why they don’t sit it with it for long. Without empathy they can leave us behind, put that mask back on and start the hunt again until they find someone who will tell them how wonderful they are. The P will idealize the new prey and start the game all over again. But they will never find rest. They will always be waiting for the rejection so they will do what they can to control and dominate their objects/people so they stay within their grasp. Or they move on.
Looking back at that all I can say is “nah, no thanks.” As my ex S said, he’s always loved that I was independent and didn’t take sh– from anybody. What in the h-e-double hockey sticks was he thinking being with me? LOL I am relentless sometimes and especially when it comes down to the truth. Now what is the motto for the organization he did so much volunteering for? The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society he supported after his late wife died of Leukemia. Yeah, the woman he never had a kind word for. Oh, that’s right. Their motto is RELENTLESS. Thank you! That I am. Is it any wonder that my real name means “warrior”? LOL
In conclusion…no I’m just kidding. I’m done. I don’t know if this description helps anyone at all. I realize it’s coming from my perspective as I’ve tried to make sense of everything from research and experience. Thought I’d throw it out there in case it helps anyone.
If you are guilty Henry, I am guilty too. I made a profile on his favorite chat site and posted the url’s of the two sites where I reported him in plain site on my page. He hasn’t looked at it but I don’t want him too anyway. It just feels good to be stepping out in his territory, or something.
And about the new guy.. god I understand. His new lady is 14 years older than him and a sweet person by all accounts. I wonder how much he’s going to take her for? Sigh.
Henry even if it lasts ten years it will burn out eventually and you will not believe the fallout when it does. Don’t even worry about “them” if laughing at you is part of the sick thrill, let em. You will have the last laugh because you are a worthwhile human being, while they are useless abusive sh””ts.
Henry when the time is right, if you want to, arm yourself with all your new knowledge and safeguards and truly search for a good man. After all, if King Henry is out there, why not Prince Charming?
Kat Thanks – I know it won’t accomplish a thing if I post. He will just laugh and think I am crazy. I will follow New Worlds advice. I should just be so happy he is gone. I am beginning to relate to what Eyesopened said. Maybe I am spending too much time here in LF and this keeps me reliving the past. This is just such a great place to vent and share thoughts. But maybe I should move on…..?
seriously This (new guy) I am glad Mike is his problem and not mine……Your right Kat- I need to give it some time and look for a GOOD man
yeah I think this place is a good place but it can feel like a hospital sometimes. and heck yeah we sure don’t want to think about it every day. But I’m going to keep checking back here, because there are always new people hurting. It’s like we are all climbing a mountain, and the ones who are higher up have to help the ones lower down. God, Henry this place wouldn’t be the same without you I hope you don’t move on entirely, even though of course I hope you move on emotionally and all that jazz.
Dear Henry,
I am wwearing out my oven door getting the skillet out and putting it back, Henry, but I do think that the chat posts that are “anti-mike” are a backwards “contact'” and almost stalking. It will give him satisfaction to know that you are thinking about him, even HATE is better for them than NO NOTICE. They hate being IGNORED. Ignoring them, i.e. NO CONTACT, no reaction, no response is like grilling them over a slow fire. It eats them up.
Also, Henry, I don’t know how long Mike will stay with the new guy, but number one, it “aint love” and number two, it won’t last too long, only until his new partner gets tired of him and then Mike will be back on the street again. Just repeat that story until Mike gets to the point that he can’t be so “charming and sexy” and can’t find anyone to take him in, then he winds up in a shelter some where or living under a bridge. It doesn’t take a “card reader” to predict Mike’s future. Either that or he gets AIDS from one of his partners and dies in a shelter. He will bring his own “vengence” upon his own head, you don’t have to worry about that. HE WILL DO IT TO HIMSELF.
Takingmeback,
I totally agree with your “novel” I do think they feel pain, and also rage, when someone else doesn’t “fix” their pain. I also think that at least some of them know they are “different” though some also think that everyone is like them, so they function under the “doo doo rule” (instead of the Golden Rule) by “doing unto others BEFORE THEY DO UNTO YOU”
I think my XBF-P knew that I (and other women) had something he wanted, but wasn’t sure what is (love) and he kept hoping that with each new woman he would find “it” (whatever “it” was) but after the initial blushing hormonal rush of a new conquest, he realized that he hadn’t found it—and became angry and frustrated, of course blaming the new woman for not giving “it” to him.
He was intense on keeping up his “mask” and what others thought of him. Pretending to be “financially well off” (he was okay, but not “wealthy”) but he wanted to appear generous and well thought o f in the community. That is why he picked me, because he needed a “respectable wife” to appear like he wanted to to the community. He was very impressed with the fact that I am highly thought of in my community, and that people recognize me and show respect for me. He commented on that several times. His X-wife was well thought of in her community and when she kicked him out, he lost the respect that went with being her husband. Also, his former community knew he was a cheat and that she had discarded him.
He also wanted to use his “marriage” to a “respectable wife” as a barrier between him and his “harem” of GFs wanting to pressure him for a committment to them. Just like he did with his previous “respectable wife.”
And you know what, my X-BF-P will die an old man, alone in a VA nursing home because his only son is just like him, his X wife doesn’t give a flip for him, and no one else will either. He loves no one, and he is at a point now where no one loves him either. He may be able to “fool” a new GF or two or possibly even find another “respectable wife” but I doubt that even that will last very long. He’s too hateful and nasty, and as he kills more and more brain cells with his “secret” drinking even his mind will start to deteriorate.
They bring down their own “punishment” eventually on themselves by destroying relationships with their narcissism. They can’t maintain the “mask” 24/7 and 365 days a year forever. They are their own worst enemies. We don’t have to seek revenge on them, they do it to themselves eventually.
It’s 107 here today–OXY– I went to my theripist this morning, was the best session so far. She understand’s that unless one has experienced this kind of trauma that they can not completely relate. I have told her about LF and she say’s I should continue to come here, because 1 she see’s so much improvement in me 2. coming here (normalizes) the pain because all of us have been through the same meat grinder so to say. 3 she has referred patient’s to this website because of me and they have reported back that it has helped. So if there are any people in the oklahoma city area that would like to talk, please do. And she say’s I need to fix my( picker) learn not to continue with the same patterns. And I was trained very well to a fixer (by my mother). And trying to fix people is a very dangerous business. So I am going to take a different approach in meeting men, get more involved in social function
s maybe take a gardening related class and attend a few (gay friendly) church’s. I do have to fix my (picker), it has been broken all my life. Anyway I thought that was funny when she said I need to fix my picker…..Also she said- It is amazing what bad people make good people do. I have a good feeling today (progress) and their is no time table on getting (through pain) but as long as I am progressing that is good. And you are right about Mike-no more post- the no contact is the way to go, he will eventually be a page in my history………..
doo deal henry…today was a good day for me too…and i like her ideas…wish there was a gardening class we could go to with all the lf gang…how great would that be……to me lf doesnt seem like a hospital (i make hospital rounds all day) it is more like a coffee shop with good pals….who stop by and share their ups and downs…..i really enjoy everyone here….a safe place to belong……now let oxy use that skillet for some okra or biscuits……im in south fl, so no one here even knows what they are lol
oops that was supposed to start with good deal henry