Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
thank you everyone for your comments. im tryin really hard to do this no contact, but he makes me feel like iam making the wrong choice. he told me well in two weeks you will wish you had listen to your heart and followed it. he also said we cant even be friends???? BE FRIENDS? how do u be friends with someone who cheats on you for over a year and have a whole another relationship. you dont just get over it. he acts like this is NORMAL realtionship problems. people who are all about themselves is not a normal realtionship issue! im back at squre one again, i hate this.
Dear Rperk6069. I was thinking about what you posted, just before you posted it. I was thinking, well I have time on my hands, I spend quite abit of time in my home. When I was first devastated, I felt very vulnerable going into town and I kept my head down. But then, that feeling evaporated, it is a temporary phase. I did nothing wrong, I have nothing to hang my head down about – if anything I have come through that and alot more – I can hold my head up. All these moods are temporary cycles, sometimes minimal contact with people helps us to conserve energy for a while, that is the advantage of being a hermit for a while. Look at it, that your life, your field, is fallow at the moment, it is dormant, it is resting.
Dont worry RPerk, you will be out and about when you are good and ready and not when your neighbours or your mind prompts you.
Dear Blondie, The benefit of having no contact, is that we cannot be twisted by their words anymore and thrown off balance, persuaded, enticed. He probably knows what to say which will get to you. Have you agreed No Contact for a set period of time – because it sounds as though he is still speaking to you and giving you a guilt trip on the No Contact? I remember the exNarcissist, said to me that if I gave him up I would regret it, I would never find another decent bloke – its all baloney – despite the pain, I havent regretted giving him up for one millisecond.
Being back at square one is not bad, like snakes and ladders means that next time, you get to go up the board abit higher.
Rperk, We are all in transistion, undergoing transformation and these things work on the underground, silently and powerfully, it is like getting over a trauma. Mind and body needs time to recoup and settle, but although I say the ‘field’ is dormant, it is also very active in preparation for new beginnings. So please see this phase of non activity as productive. My neighbours look through my windows and wonder what on earth I am doing for hours and hours!! I may not have lots of action going on, but their is alot of silent progress going on in my place. Ha.
blondie….of course hes going to tell you that…thats why no contact mean even bt phone or email or any way…he is trying to manipulate and hurt you by saying no friends….hes trying to do ANTRHING that will get a response out of you…you finally have a bit of control….it will never stop, until you stop contact…….you are naturally doubting yourself…and if it didnt sound like the same story each of us has shared, i might believe it too….but sociopathic creatures ALL ude the same words…….mine said the same stuff…….. NONONONONO contact wil help you start the new beginning you deserve….you are doint the right thing….and we are here to give you strength as you asked……terri
Beverly, Thank you so much. I never thought of it that way and what you wrote makes perfect sense. I just kept telling myself that there was/is something horribly wrong with me, that I could not pick myself up one more time. That I am in a terminal break down that will some day kill me. Thank you for your insight and thoughfulness. Rita
You are welcome Rperk. Now you can welcome and enjoy the phase you are in and get the most out of it, instead of resisting it. ((hugs))
blondie…I found it helpful to write down all that he did to me. I started doing it to help check my sanity at times during my contact with him. I realized that I kept going back because I wanted so badly to believe he was the person I first met who was loving and kind…but it was a lie and there is no change. What he did to you before he WILL do again. If you haven’t written it all down I encourage you to start now. Read it as often as you need to. The hard part is our belief that people like Ns can change and have something good inside. The only thing inside is a desire to control. You staying in contact gives him control. It justifies what he’s already done and he continues to win the game he’s created. He’s a master manipulator. My S could tell me the sky was green and if I was in his presence I’d have considered it. It’s eerie how powerful they are at persuasion and it feels hypnotic. Take care of yourself and stand up for yourself and say no more! You deserve that!
thank you thank you thank you!!!!
I feel like he does give me a guilt trip for wanting to end it. i tell him no contact and he doest listen. i did write down all the things he did, i just dont seem to look at it everyday, but i think i need to, to remind myself of what he did, and the decison i made for myself.
has anyone ever felt like when you were not around you sociopath or Ns you didt think it was all that bad, but when you saw them again it all came back to you and thats all you could think about?
another thing, i feel like iam never going to get away from him, he will always contact me.
Blondie, Hell yes, that is exactly the way I felt. And he still tries to contact me even after a year and a half saying he misses our friendship! What friendship? I have changed my phone number numerous times and changed it again recently, my family can think what they want, I tell them I was getting alot of other peoples calls cuz this they can handle.