Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
Blondie,
Here’s the answer to the question you asked above.. how long before he hurts you again.
Well, a wise woman once said, “im starting to realize that i continue to let him emotionally abuse me, i keep letting him hurt me. Im also realizing that i just have to cut him out of my life. nothing is ever going to change with that man, no amount of talking will change anything. he will say he is sorry for making me cry but im sure if i let him, give it a day or two and i will cry again.”
So, I guess the answer is: a day or two. :0)
You already know the answer. You just have to be ready to accept it.
XO Aloha
OXY If we could come through this screen I would be sittin at your kitchen table right now. You are right, I know you are. I was reading Takingmebacks post and her pain and confusion described what I felt so well. I am just not good at putting it into words. We have all felt that pain and confusion. And nobody get’s it unless they have experienced it. Not even my therapist, I have moved past the (P) experience with her- the therapist- and I am focusing on depression and self esteem issue’s. I have educated her enuff about PD’s. Actually I may just cancel her all together. I have you and all these nice wounded people here to recover and grow healthy with. It’s been three month’s and I think I am sooo much better. But he is like a ghost around here. I will eventually stop thinking about what he did. I guess I need to give my self more time. I just want to be over this right now!!! And some here have had years between them and the (P)’s and still have scars. I guess living with him three years and changing my whole life too acomodate his, everything was about him bedtime mealtime this time that time. Why dont they just tell us- Hey I need an address, a place to sleep, sex when I want it, and I won’t pay you any respect and don’t ask where I have been and when I get bored with you I will find a new address….But in the end I did put my Big Boy Britches on and told him to go live his life somewhere else. And even after he had moved in with his new victim he wanted sex with me. So no he hasn’t found true love with anybody. And I have learned a whole bunch about me and I am a good person, my self esteem wasnt as low as I thot it was. A evil spirit seeped into my life, took my dream’s and presented himself as that. Thanks Oxy -My Dear Sweet Redneck Girl Friend – I love ya!!!!!
Hi Oxy
Sorry to hear you have Shingles. I had it last year and hopefully never again!
To Blondie
I wish I could find your ex-P and give him a good hard smack and tell him to stay away from you. I’m not long separated from my ex-P so the feelings are still raw. I feel your pain when I read your words.
A little practical advice you might want to mull over. Think about consulting a lawyer to handle the business issues you and your ex-P still have. In my experience psychopaths use anything to get back at you and having a neutral someone to negotiate on your behalf would safeguard you and your finances.
On the emotional side…these past few days I don’t feel qualified to advise anyone on what to do because I’m going through a very bad time. I suppose all I can say is hang in there. Look after yourself…get enough sleep, take vitamins and treat yourself to something nice…a facial or a massage or just relaxing in the sunshine with a good book.
You’ve been battered by this man, as surely as if he beat you with his fists. You need time and tender loving care to help you recover. There’ll be good days and bad days but you will survive, I know you will.
Wini, I have many many books and as my knowledge increases, I read them again and again to fill in the gaps, expand my understanding, but of course, much of the progress done is not in the reading, it is in the doing, checking in on oneself, allowing the divine intelligence to lead, surrendering ‘oneself’ to that. See my post 14 July, here. We have a Buddhist monastery here a couple of miles away and in 1991, I used to go there alot and I recognise that alot of the information in Tolle’s book is reframed in a way that is easy to understand. I have many Buddhist books and Sufism, so I have read this information before, but it is the understanding and internalising of it, which is the difficult part. Usually, the test is through the experiencing, usually through painful circumstances, that brings us to the ‘knowing’. Best Wishes (Angela)
well one way or the other a S is always going to hurt you. my ex b. was a liar who didnt tell me at the beginning that he was married (he left that woman after he used her). he didnt tell me when we met that he had two girlfriends. he didnt brake up with one after a month we started dating, cause also he needed her for some things. (even after she called him constantly on the phone while we were together). then, after two months an ex from a another country called him and wanted to see him. during this period we had some great time and that kept our relationship going. he was great in bed.
we were constantly fighting cause my faith in him was fading. and somehow and i dont know why we stayed together for a whole year. than i had to leave the country, he never came to say goodbye (he was busy with his work). there was always an excuse for his bad behavior. while we were separated we used to chat a lot, talk and somehow i never believed in anything he said. he is mysterious, actually a lot!!!!
after two years dating (one year being separated), one day he called me and told me he need to get operated. didnt want to tell me why and what. i was furious and broke up. feeling really bad and hurt a lot after two months, while i was on my vacation in this country where he is living, i called him. wanted to see him and he agreed. he told me he had a girlfriend, but he wanted to get back with me. after that meeting he said he needed to go abroad for business, so we couldnt see each other. calling me everyday, telling me how bad he wants to get back with me, planning his future with me etc. not after three days he called me and said that he is actually home and that evening he is leaving on vacation with his girlfriend!!!! oh my God, i was hurt, mad at my self for letting him hurt me again. and actually that is why i left this post. he can do and be whomever he wants to be, but you are the one who lets him do to you whatever he wants.
today, i am in a relationship with a man who is loving and nothing like a sociopath. so i know there is a way to find a true love. in the beginning the sociopath used to call me, telling me he broke up with the girl, wanting me bad and telling me that he is going to die for our love. nothing i believed him, and i left him to die there. never again with him!!!!
it amazes me how many people’s stories relate to mine. ive never in my life thought there were so many bad people out there. the thing that gives me chills down my back, is when i read other peoples stories about there bad man having another women around. they always need another women around for something. they cant be with you faithfully. they dont break off those other realtionship, bc they need her around for something. its always excuse why they cant break it off. there is an excuse for everything. its just exactly how my ex use to be.. he would say and still says “im ridding myself of her” WHAT THE F does that mean????? but it doest even matter bc thats just a lame excuse and just words u say to me to get things back. there is no real effort into ending those other relationship b/c they dont want they to end.
Beverly: I don’t know if I mentioned this to you before … but Tolle reminds me of one of my former professors. He taught Calculus. 24 of us took his summer class. He was so in tuned with individuals that he taught each of us the way he could get through to us. Checking to see when the light bulb went off in our eyes. 24 individual students, 24 different ways he taught. Tolle is like this, teaching everyone at their own pace. Explaining to each of us what is important and what isn’t … that of living in your obnoxious ego. He explains every one has an ego … but, is that ego in check or out of control. Out of control egos he calls OBNOXIOUS which is a nice way to phrase their personalities for the rest of us that are more in line with being humble.
I like reading wisdom from whatever source offers it.
Peace.
Indiechick…I am still laughing about the “frenemy” I totally love that! So true about the Ss out there!
Henry,
Please DO NOT be humiliated or embarassed by SOMEONE else’s behavior. We are not responsible for what other people do. Let me repeat that so we all have this clear…WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO.
I don’t know about your past but I know that I was brought up being told that somehow I was at fault when other people acted up or hurt me. WRONG! Everyone is responsible for their own behavior. We may influence others but ultimately the choice in how to respond is theirs. Especially for the S/P/N who can make life so histrionic. For me, even though I had worked through all those lies I had been told growing up, the old script came right back out when my ex entered the picture. Gee I wonder why? He was good at manipulating and making me somehow feel responsible because it couldn’t be poor innocent him with all his woes. He was a poor depressed widower afterall. I seriously wonder if he didn’t have something to do with his wife’s death. I wish I were joking but I’m not at all. Anyone who says, “I’m just sad that she HAD to die so we could be together and I could be happy” is suspect. I hadn’t seen him in 12 years or had any contact with him. How did I get squeezed into that equation? OK I’m gonna get sick so let’s move on….
Unfortunately sometimes we replay old pieces of our past and this time I’m getting closure like never before! I’m saying no more! As for getting him out of your head, I have the same problem. Well, not getting your S out of my head, but my ex out of my head (j/k sorry I couldn’t resist). I know it’s from the PTSD as my brain is trying to make sense of what happened and when I get triggered it just starts going and words, phrases, memories…they all come back. The good thing is the emotional pain does not come back with it anymore. That is progress. But it is annoying.
What’s happening is actually our body’s way of protecting itself from a threat but it’s VERY uncomfortable. The amygdala is stimulated in that fight or flight mode trying to make sense of things. For me, I try to distract myself and not react. I try not to spend too much time engaging in thinking about him. It’s VERY hard and it takes discipline to try to retrain your brain. But that’s somewhat what we need to do. EMDR is a specialized treatment that has helped others with symptoms of PTSD. Obviously talk therapy helps too depending on the therapist. But for me the flashbacks and triggers are still there and some days it’s exhausting. It has decreased though. I still see a therapist and still address it as it comes. But it does suck. The good news is that it WON’T always be this way! We will heal.
Give yourself time and give yourself a break…pahleeze. No shame, no blame, no guilt. Get rid of it!!!! If you experience any of these give it back to him where it belongs. That’s projected onto you by an S/P/N- whatever you want to call them. I suggest you give it all over to God to do what He needs to in order to be done with it. It’s been misplaced onto you. That was the most freeing experience I’ve had so far in my whole journey. God said put it at my feet and I did. It’s gone! Realizing it wasn’t my fault and no longer feeling guilty rocks!!!
THEY’RE sick plain and simple. And evil. M. Scott Peck also wrote in “People of The Lie” that you can’t interact with evil without having a little brushed onto you. In my experience that’s where the PTSD kicks in. Getting rid of the evil. Trying to make sense of it in a body that can’t relate because it holds a heart that is good and true. A heart like yours. When it gets difficult just remember you’re healing. Each day will bring new insight and each sunrise will get brighter and brighter until you are ready to step fully back into the light.
PS- social anxiety is common. I’ve gone through it too and I’ve been able to be out in public and around others more and more lately. This too shall pass. Just take baby steps like in “What About Bob”. Take it slow but don’t avoid. You don’t want to develop any phobias. Get out little by little and spend time with safe people in safe places before hitting new ones 🙂
And keep talking and sharing please. It is so helpful to hear from everyone.
Henry,
I know I’ve never written to you before so I hope I wasn’t too forward. I just want to encourage you to keep those Big Boy Britches on! 🙂
blondie,
As for business stuff you have together. I suggest that you cut any connection you have. If there’s stuff you pay for together I would do as you suggested and get rid of it or pay for it yourself. That leaves no ties for him to manipulate you with. It’s all about control for them.
Here’s what helped me. I looked at it as if I was dealing with the devil. I felt my ex was as evil as they could come as I had never dealt with anyone who had absolutely no empathy, zip, zilch, nada and could be so cold and such a calculating liar. ANYTHING that tied me to him felt like a tie to the devil. I got rid of all of it and cut my losses on some things he had or relationships that were connected to him. Although he made sure to tell me who was on my side and who I could have. THIS being way efore things came to an end. This was the beginning of seeing his paranoid side. I could not believe that as I was supporting him and his “woes” he started to push me away and tell me I could have his family and his therapist and our friends and everyone on “my side”. Uh…thanks? It was bizarre. But he was crumbling under my relentless questioning of his behavior. His mask of sanity had cracked and was falling off. Much to my horror but much to my benefit in the long run.
So free yourself woman! No more ties! LOL Sorry it just came out 🙂 But seriously don’t forget it’s about control and manipulation.