Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
The obsessing is the hard part. I want so badly to stop thinking about him. As soon as that feeling comes over me that maybe I should call him I have to read this blog and remind myself of what he really is and that things are not gonna change.
I joined a health club last week thats not in my town. I work 30 miles away from where I live and I prefer to go there because I also live in a small town and everyone knows everyone. I hate it here. Im moving soon. But I find that the more I focus on me, the less I focus on him. Its a foreign feeling to me. What Ive discovered is that as the oldest child from an alcoholic home I was always the caretaker, the fixer, the rescuer. I’m done with that and for the first time I’m really doing something for me.
The health club is my sanity right now. Its a different environment than anything I shared with “him”. Its solely my own experience apart from him. I find that when Im there, I dont think about him. Maybe the solution to obsessing is to try to focus on our own wants, needs and desires for once. Do SOMETHING for yourself…whatever it may be….whatever you like….something new and different.
Dear Taking me back,
That was a wonderful post to Henry! Now, Henry dear, you have stereo “nags” !!! ((Hugs)))
Are you taking the EMDR treatment for your PTSD. I had never heard of it but had about 6 months of it and it helped me tremendously. I’m not sure WHY it worked but it seemed to not only take care of the PTSD from the plane crash but from other situations that I think I probably also had PTSD from.
I still have some significant short term memory defecit but even that has been getting MUCH better. I retired about 6 months after my husband died (I didn’t go back to work for 3 after he died) but the stress and the pace of the job was more than I could have handled in the shape I was in, and especially with the PTSD I didn’t think I was safe to work where people’s lives depended on me being in “top form”
Indiechick, great for you, the health club sounds like a wonderful thing for YOU. Good going!
OxDrover,
I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your husband and all you’ve been through. I’m glad though to hear that EMDR has been beneficial. Traumatic loss is soooo difficult. I can’t truly relate but I was diagnosed with PTSD once before after finding a client who ODd. That was just a couple of years ago. The shock of finding the body hit me like nothing before. However, this was not a loved one and I know my experience pales in comparison with yours. I can’t imagine what that was like for you. But on the other hand you are one amazing woman to have survivied all this. I am so thankful for the wisdom you share and your story of survival is inspiring to me.
I have recently asked for referrals from a trusted colleague regarding an EMDR therapist. I would like to try it. I actually went to see someone last summer before realizing my ex was a S when I started to have flashbacks to childhood abuse. What I didn’t realize is those flashbacks were happening for a reason. I was being abused again and just didn’t see it. It was covert (gaslighting, emotional manipulation, projection, etc.) I was uncomfortable with the therapist who didn’t want to start with EMDR and so I left as my ex and I started to “work” things out.
Anyhow, I too am no longer allowing abuse in my life and learning to recognize all the signs of it…overt and covert. I now see it and say no more. Thanks to people like you who have been encouraing me over the months as I’ve been reading these blogs!
Good for you takingmeback again, I do recommend EMDR, at least it worked for me. My therapist didn’t start directly off with it either, there were several months when we just talked. I have to laugh though, after listening to my “tales of woe” of “everyone in the world is out to kill me” my therapist asked me to bring in a witness and proof that I wasn’t a paranoid delusional “nut case” ( my words not his) LOL He was so afraid I would be offended. Actually I wasn’t in the least offended, sometimes I can’t believe this much chit happened to me either! LOL
ONe of the biggest worries I had was my memory just went ka-put! I couldn’t remember anything. I actually thought I was getting SENILE. My therapist finally tested me on a 1:1 basis and I scored 1 point higher than usual (which isn’t significant of course) but it did make me see I was doing OK just had a short term memory loss from distraction and stress.
Stress has been one of my interests and the effects it has on the body, the immune system and of course our cognitive functions. Needless to say I was under a LOT of stress, and sometimes I am amazed that at least on the “outside” i seemed to be functioning pretty well, but it took a lot of energy to keep up that FACADE of “Normalcy”–energy I could have been using on a lot of other things that needed energy at that time, like healing!
When we were kids there were all the negative jokes and comments and the cruelty jokes like “mama mama why is daddy running? Shut up and keep shooting!” etc and one of the was “I was so depressed and out of the darkness came a voice that said “cheer up things could be worse” so I cheered up and , sure enough, they GOT WORSE” or “the light at the end of the tunnel is an on-coming train” etc
For so long it felt like that everytime I felt I was out of the “woods” another range of forest loomed ahead. I was always “waiting for the other shoe to fall” and sure enough it did.
But at the same time, I really don’t have a lot to whine about compared to others here. I have a home, am not in debt, I could retire when I NEEDED TO, and by living frugally, I’m okay. I have wonderful supportive friends and two sons left that I am very very proud of. My stress level has pretty much gotten to a reasonable level and what I have now is mostly internal, which I am working on.
I’m learning to set boundaries, and be willing to let those relationships go if that’s what it takes. I’m not assuming responsibility for anyone except myself, everyone else can float their own boat. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t help a friend if I could, or a stranger for that matter, but I have the choice to say NO. It is okay to say “NO” and I am not worrying all the time about “hurting someone’s feelings”—I dont’ mean that ugly, just that I am no longer willing to “walk on egg shells” in order to avoid making someone not like me or be angry with me. I’m going to be honest and up front when I say “NO” and those that can’t stand the heat can get out of the kitchen. I do not have to be abused by anyone in order to avoid “hurting their feelings for their bad behavior.”
LoveFRaud has helped me a great deal as well. I’m still definitely a work in progress but I’m moving on…
Dear Taking Me Back… Thanks soo much for your response. I enjoy reading your post, I love your wit and humour. And don’t worry about your spelling. I think we are all forgiving about that.. Scincerely that was a powerful post. your comment ( The good thing is the emotional pain does not come come back with it anymore. That is progress. But it is annoying.) That is where I am, my heart is over it for the most part, but reliving all the gaslighting and manipulation goes on and on. I guess I am re living the truth- now that I am out of the fog. Maybe this is progress also. You seem like a wonderfull person with alot of wisdom, I am glad you are here. As one of the blogger’s said one time, This website can not be bought. Thanks again for sharing YOUR pain and story, I thank you so much…. Oxy if you are out there- I love you too and you can harp on me all you want…hope you are feeling better…
Dear sweet Henry,
Of course I am here, it beats watching TV! LOL I’m so proud of you and the response you gave to Rperk on the other thread, you said just the right things. To think you were a basket case only a few weeks ago and you are now really getting into helping others! What a spectacular rate of growth you have young man! I’m just here on LF cuz I’m addicted to you Henry, and if you ever go straight you’re gonna marry me! Ha ha But you know, at 53 you’re probably too old for me, since I am only 61, so I guess I’ll have to break our engagement, Henry, besides all these other gals would be mad at me for taking you off the LF “circulation” LOL
Yea, I am feeling better, I’ve been pigging out on fresh corn on the cob, my doggie is disappointed I won’t “share” but Fat and Hairy like the cooked cobs so there’s no waste at all.
OXY You crack me up..lmao I have a garden full of tomato’s and green beans and squash and okra, I have been enjoying the tomatoes, I have a wonderfull recipe for tomatoe pie.. Oxy I don’t think I will go straight just gayly forward………….hmmm so you broke our engagemet, well I guess I better go find me a man next time haha luvs ya ..
(raise eyebrows and moan)
Oh, Henry, “gayly forward”—gosh I thought I did bad puns! You take the cake but you made me smile! Thanks for the smile my friend! I really am glad you are doing so well and your advice to the others is really nice. Thanks.
first step for recovering was actually telling myself that he is not the only person in this world who can make me happy. (and even after two years he never made me truly happy, that was most funny) i know it is hard to acknowledge that, very hard. but hey all you people out there, you are worth more to yourself that some punk who doesnt even care about your needs. and if you dont take care, who will??
it is even more sad to learn that a sociopath cant feel love. that is why they talk about love that much.
just turn around and never look back. i am here today willing to help everyone who is having trouble with recovering. i never posted anything while i was hurting, and know that every single time i tried i would burst in to tears. but today i am grateful for this blog and you lovely people who helped me with your stories!!
this is neither here nor there, but I just woke up from a bad dream about HIM. he was in prison for killing someone, not sure who, but I was really upset because he got life and I would never see him again, hmm wonder what thats about.—– I have had this bad case of (i dont know how to spell it but it is pain in the left hip all the way down to my ankle (sigh at tic a) physatic, that nerve that goes down your hip and leg, sometimes the pain is unbearable, especially at nite. I have been to the doctor and got shot and pills but it has been persistent for 3 months. it is wearing on my spirit, I have pyhsical pain and emotional pain adding to my depression, I am such a whiner no comment necesarry