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8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

You are here: Home / Recovery from a sociopath / 8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

July 14, 2008 //  by Donna Andersen

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Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:

If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.

Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.

It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.

A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”

That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.

Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.

So how do we recover?

8 steps for recovery

Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.

1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.

2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.

3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.

4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.

5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”

6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.

7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.

8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.

The long journey

There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.

Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.

Category: Recovery from a sociopath

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418 Comments
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Wini
16 years ago

Dear henry: Just go with it. Emotional pain, physical pain … it doesn’t matter … focus on the pain, make peace with it … do NOT ignore any thing you are going through. Accept it. When you accept it, make peace with what is … then you will heal. It’s denial that is the enemy. Acceptance of what is, no matter what it is … will set you free and begin your process to heal.

Peace.

Wini
16 years ago

Dear blondie: Does selfish, self centered, self absorb strike a bell with what he does? They won’t change unless they too accept the fact that they need to change. Acceptance, is the first step for changing the way you (anyone) thinks. As long as they can play the “blame game”, they don’t have to do any soul searching … growing … and the rest that goes with stretching ourselves to be the best that we an be.

Peace to your heart and soul … and be kind to yourself as you go threw this healing process.

Wini
16 years ago

Dear blondie: Does selfish, self centered, self absorb strike a bell with what he does? They won’t change unless they too accept the fact that they need to change. Acceptance, is the first step for changing the way you (anyone) thinks. As long as they can play the “blame game”, they don’t have to do any soul searching … growing … and the rest that goes with stretching ourselves to be the best that we can be.

Peace to your heart and soul … and be kind to yourself as you go through this healing process.

Wini
16 years ago

Quote from Moe Curley, 3 stooges …
“Tried to think but nothing worked” woooo, woooo, wooo, yuk, yuk, yuk … aka meaning my spelling and context is atrocious today. Mea Culpa.

hens
16 years ago

Wini Good advice— to me and Blondie— like the country song (When your going through Hell just keep on going) Blondie sweet heart— it hursts like hell I know, but no contact is the only way— ond day at a time- one hour at a time– I minute at a time. No contact means you have decided to stop hurting and dont want to ever see or talk to him again…hang in there Wini I enjoyed the Kids In Church lol thanks

Beverly
16 years ago

Dear Blondie, What No Contact really means is that YOU are putting a S.T.O.P. to all the chaos, the drama, the manipulation and the betrayal and pain that is being caused to you. Words mean absolutely nothing if they are not backed up by action. Some people are very good at sucking us in with words, but study their actions. If they did not treat you with respect the first time round, or the second, etc, their behaviour is likely to continue in that way.

What they say and what they are thinking (their personal agenda) IS DIFFERENT. Check out their actions. In a genuine, honest person, they do what they say, they treat you with respect and they value you. You have to put a stop to the abuser to give a clear message that you value yourself enough to STOP the abuse and betrayal and if that means having no contact to stop them worming their way back into your life for another round (trust me I’ve been there) – then that is what you have to do.

Beverly
16 years ago

Blondie, Its all about building up boundaries and red lines. It’s giving a clear message that says ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I’m not going to let you sweet talk me back into the cauldron, so that you can go another round and that once you have sucked me back in, that you will think that I am the sucker for taking you back and deserve to be punished. In effect, its YOU SHOUTING to the universe that you deserve better.

Wini
16 years ago

Dear Beverly and Blondie: If you like yourself, you will like others. Or better still, to love others. Period. What does/did their actions say for them?

Peace.

Beverly
16 years ago

Very true Wini, but the way they uphold themselves and the way they pretend to put us on a pedestal is the start of the dysfunction – the fraud, if you like – coming from the ego. There are many Narcissistic people who claim to like themselves – what you are talking about is a different duck!?

Beverly
16 years ago

I think what you are talking about Wini is genuine, self worth, self respect, loving oneself in a wholesome sense.

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