How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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UPDATED FOR 2024. When you finally figure out that you’re dealing with sociopaths, your state of mind is complete and utter shock. On the one hand, you are relieved to know that it’s not you; something is definitely wrong with them. On the other hand, you still can’t wrap your brain around their behavior.

It’s mind-boggling, and here’s why:

  1. Everything you believed was a lie

You probably caught some of the lies as you went along, but the sociopaths explained them away. Then you learned that the entire nature of the involvement, the entire reason they are in your life, is complete fabrication. It was never about romance, or shared goals, or family. It was about exploitation.

  1. The unbelievable sense of entitlement

Not only do the sociopaths exploit you and everyone else, they feel totally entitled to do it. They want what they want, when they want it and how they want it. Other people are simply tools to get them what they want. Why? Because in the mind of the sociopaths, that’s what they deserve.

  1. The mask comes off, and you don’t know who is behind it

They were so charming, so helpful, so caring and they’re gone. Now the sociopaths treat you with disdain criticizing, belittling, ignoring and abusing you. You wonder what happened to the sweetness and chivalry and realize it was all a charade, an act to hook you. Now that you are no longer useful to the sociopaths, or they’ve moved on to new targets, they see no point in pretending any longer.

  1. The long con

You realize that the sociopaths targeted you from the very beginning. In fact, they may have scoped you out before they even found a way to wiggle into your life. Some sociopaths are capable of plotting and calculating far in advance, and then brilliantly executing their plans. You were nothing to them but an objective.

  1. It was all just amusement

Sometimes you cannot discern the sociopathic objective. They took nothing from you — not money, sex, a place to live, business connections, nothing of value. So why bother with all the games and manipulation? It makes no sense! Then you realize they were just entertaining themselves.

  1. Nothing is sacred

They talk convincingly about God, religion, righteousness, spirituality, patriotism, family values, saving the planet or any other aspiration — and their behavior is the complete opposite. Their fine words are nothing but a smokescreen, lulling you into trusting them, so that they can take advantage of you.

  1. Complete lack of shame, guilt and remorse

The sociopaths lie without missing a beat. They bulldoze people without blinking an eye. They even make fools of themselves without feeling foolish. They simply do not experience the emotions of shame, guilt and remorse, which, by the way are instrumental in developing a conscience. So they have no conscience.

  1. You are hurting, and the sociopaths simply don’t care

The words of love or loyalty that you once heard from the sociopaths have disappeared. Now, the sociopaths are capable of incredibly cruel behavior — and then they act as if nothing happened. You are in shreds, and the sociopaths wonder what the commotion is all about.

  1. Your worldview is shattered

Society tells us that we’re all created equal, everyone has good inside, and we should treat others as we want to be treated. You probably took these messages to heart. They were the rules you lived by — and they failed you when the sociopath came into your life.

Now, you’ve learned the hard way that these rules cannot apply to everyone. Approximately 12% of the population is disordered, and for these people you need a different set of rules — rules that are designed to protect you.

This is the most difficult part of processing your experience with the sociopath — changing your worldview. The way you understood life cannot apply to everyone you meet; some people simply are not wired like the rest of us. This is what really blows your mind — but it is also the wisdom to be gained by your experience.

Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma

Lovefraud originally posted this article on Oct. 31, 2016.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. NotWhatHeSaidofMe

    #8 You are hurting and they simply don’t care.
    In fact, if you are crying or sobbing, he gets annoyed b/c you are “noisy”. He goes to others and tells them that you just won’t shut up. They validate him, that you need to SHUT UP, they encourage him to seek company elsewhere, someone who won’t be so “noisy”.

  3. Sunnygal

    I wouldn’t say they blow your mind. I would say they teach you that unfortunately there are disordered persnalities in the world, although the vast majority are healthy.

  4. Remembertoforget

    All of these are so right, but #7 is such a kicker. I see this at work very frequently with disordered ones. I just pay no mind and keep working…sometimes I have to shake my head-or shake it off but I try not to let them affect me.

    • regretfullymine

      this all happened to me; it took years, books, articles, websites (like Love Fraud) to know that all his loving, sweetness(es), devotion, was a LIE..I was HIS mealticket..to marriage, farm, kids, being seen as NORMAL..nothing but lies, controlling, me as his mental/verbal punching bag, all LIES.

  6. patom17

    I sometimes feel that I am the only one who notices my ex- sociopath ways. He dumped me to go back with his wife after she divorced him 4 years earlier. I still wonder if it is working . She lives in Florida where he brought her a house and he travels back and forth between there and his other home here in New Jersey. He owns a business here. I find my self hoping she dumps him. I’m still not ok with the way I was treated by him because I really thought he had the same feeling for me as I had for him. Guess not. I still confused.

    • AnnettePK

      You’re right and normal to feel the way you do. The way he treated you is not ok. He deceived you and exploited you.

      It is unlikely that any relationship he has will work. He doesn’t treat anyone else better than he treated you. The way he treats people is because of who he is.

  7. merrym

    I’m not sure where to post this. First off I think what Donna has done is amazing. Personally she gotten me through very rough times. And the fact this site is exploding with members is fantastic and very scary. Being abused takes years to recover. I’m finding that I still have so far to go after 6 years of throwing him out. PTSD. Not a joke.
    I would love to participate in the webinars. But anyone who has divorced a sociopath knows they rob you of everything tangible and otherwise I’m broke. And every day I’m more in a financial hole. The only think keeping me going is being free of the maniac. Makes me work harder.
    Perhaps a replay of the webinars for free?
    Thanks Donna what you’ve done for us is priceless.

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