All sociopaths lie. Lying is their most basic and common manipulative behavior, and they are very good at it. But research shows that people can usually identify a lie only 53 percent of the time. Here are nine reasons why you can’t spot the sociopaths’ lies. Most of the reasons relate to them, but a few relate to you.
1. Everything is a lie
Once you realize that you’re dealing with a sociopath, you must understand that absolutely anything he or she has ever said to you could be a lie. Sociopaths lie like they breathe. If you don’t have independent verification of what he or she has said to you, it may be false.
This may be really difficult for you to grasp. When normal people lie, it’s usually to get out of trouble or to protect someone. Sociopaths don’t need a reason to lie. Yes, they lie to get you to give them what they want. But they also lie for the fun of it.
2. Mixing lies with truth
Why are sociopathic lies so believable? One reason is that they smoothly mix lies with truth. Because you know that some of what they’ve said is true, you assume that all of what they’ve said is true. Even if you notice that some parts of the person’s comments may seem off, you just accept the overall story.
3. Claims are so outrageous they must be true
My sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery of Australia, told me he’d served in the Australian military during the Vietnam war. He’s won the Victoria Cross, Australia’s highest military honor, for his heroism. Years later, he was still “attached” to the US military, going on Special Forces raids.
None of it was true, but I believed him. Why? I couldn’t imagine that anyone would have the nerve to make claims like these if they weren’t true. I have since learned that sociopaths are happy to tell outrageous lies. And their stories are convincing.
4. No physical symptoms of lying
People who have a conscience usually feel guilty about lying. This causes physiological responses, such as elevated heart and respiratory rates, spikes in blood pressure and sweating. Polygraphs, or lie detectors, work by measuring these symptoms.
Sociopaths have no conscience. Instead, they have an incredible sense of entitlement. They want what they want, and they feel entitled to use any means necessary to get what they want — including lying. Therefore, sociopaths often do not have the physical symptoms associated with lying, which is why they can pass polygraph tests.
5. Covering lies with more lies
When you catch sociopaths in lies, they worm their way out of it by telling more lies. They make up so many excuses, reasons and accusations that you can no longer keep the story straight. The liars, however, often can — Lovefraud readers have marveled to me about how sociopaths can track which lies they told to whom.
Then, even if the house of cards comes tumbling down, sociopaths may just shrug. The story was fun while it lasted.
6. Righteous indignation
If you question a sociopath’s statement, you may be met with RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. Sociopaths insist that they NEVER LIE, and HOW DARE YOU imply otherwise. They always TELL THE TRUTH — you just don’t like what they’re saying.
Righteous indignation is a typical sociopath strategy, and it often works. Few people can withstand emotional force of a sociopath accusing them of rudeness or disloyalty. Many end up apologizing for ever doubting the sociopaths — even though they were lying all along.
Now, let’s look at how your own traits and outlooks may prevent you from seeing the lies that sociopaths tell.
7. Humans are biologically designed to trust
According to Paul Zak, professor at neuroeconomics at Claremont Graduate University, human society is built on trust. If people couldn’t learn to trust each other, they couldn’t live together, and the human race wouldn’t have survived.
Trust is built into our biology with oxytocin. This hormone and neurotransmitter is released into our bodies when we experience any kind of intimacy, from talking to physical touch to sex. Oxytocin makes us trust the people who cause the release.
It we feel any sort of intimacy with the sociopath, we are programmed to trust them — which means believing them, even as they lie.
8. Honest people never see it coming
People who are honest have a hard time even conceiving that other people may not be honest. You tend to take people and their words at face value. This continues until you have a rude awakening through an experience with a lying sociopath.
9. Telling you what you want to hear
You may find yourself believing sociopathic lies simply because you want the statements to be true. When sociopaths are proclaiming that they love you, that they’ll pay you back, that they’ll never hurt you — well, you don’t want to think that they’re lying. So even if you feel a twinge of doubt about their words, you quickly push it out of your mind.
This can be described as cognitive dissonance. Here’s what happens: You form an initial positive opinion about a person or idea. Then you learn something that means your first impression is wrong. You can’t hold on to two opposite beliefs simultaneously. So you disregard the new information, even if it’s true, to hold on to what you want to believe.
What should you do?
For all these reasons, many times you can’t spot the sociopath’s lies. So what should you do?
If you identify someone as a sociopath, remember that anything they say could be false.
When you don’t know if someone is a sociopath, listen to your intuition. If they say something and your first reaction is, “Huh?” pay attention. It could be a warning that the person is lying to you.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He assured me he would never, could never hurt me like that again