Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Louisa.” She learned the truth about sociopaths the hard way.
I was in a relationship with someone that constantly cheated, and cried and begged me back. Five years of thinking we were “working through problems,” sharing every detail about myself, supporting him and bailing him out of his obligations while struggling with my own.
It all ended a couple of weeks ago when I found out he was molesting my 10 year old daughter and her friend…
I’m feeling devastated. Reading all I have and looking back I’m resentful to myself for staying and thinking it was my best friend and soul mate. I paid a price beyond what I ever thought I could have.
He is in jail and took a plea bargain for the charges. Which he admitted to for some agenda.
He tried to call me collect from jail, to which I obtained a restraining order for myself (my child received one immediately).
How did I let it come to this? Why do I hurt so immensely yet feel stronger than I ever have? How do I help my daughter and work through my guilt?
Donna Andersen responds
Louisa,
First of all, I am so sorry for what you, your daughter and your daughter’s friend have experienced. It is devastating. I am glad the perp is in jail, and will have a record as a sex offender for the rest of his life.
You asked several questions at the end of your email. You are in pain, and rightfully so. But the answer to all of your questions is the same: Previously, you did not know the truth, and now you do.
The key strategy sociopaths use to infiltrate our lives and exploit us is deception. The problem with deception, of course, is that we don’t know it is happening.
Read more: Deception — the sociopath’s key strategy
You may be berating yourself, feeling like you “should have known.” How? You don’t know what you don’t know.
Sociopaths are expert liars. Human beings, however, are lousy lie detectors. Research has shown that people can spot liars only 53% of the time. That’s about as good as flipping a coin.
Answers to your questions
So let’s address your questions:
How did you let it come to this?
You didn’t know the truth that he is a sociopath. And you probably didn’t know the larger truth, either — that sociopaths, human predators, live among us.
Why do you hurt immensely yet feel stronger than ever?
Because now you know the truth. Now you know that he was lying from the very beginning of your involvement. Now you know that he was exploiting you. Learning the truth enabled you to take decisive action and he is in jail.
How do you help your daughter?
By teaching her the truth — evil exists. Sociopaths exist. But sometimes these evil sociopaths pretend to be good and loving. We need to be on the lookout for them.
How do you work through your guilt?
By recognizing that you have now learned an important truth that you did not know before: Human beings are hardwired to trust and love — except for sociopaths. These people are capable of professing their love, but when they do, they are lying, because they are incapable of truly feeling love.
Sometimes we learn the truth the hard way, as you did. But once we know it, we can’t unlearn it. So even though the discovery was extremely painful, knowing the truth can serve to protect you and the girls for the rest of your lives.
Learn more: Self-forgiveness — Understanding and letting go of guilt
Lovefraud originally posted this article on March 21, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Child of an undiagnosed sociopath
I am so sorry for you and your daughter and her friend.
What a despicable demon!
He’s at the bottom of the barrel now and I hope that the other convicts give him some “jail justice”.
It makes me ill when they get away with “deals” like that. The courts are often lacking in conscience, and of course attorneys are completely devoid of one! If there were truly justice in this world people like that monster would be castrated.
I’m praying for you and your daughter and her friend.
I pray that you will heal quickly and never be bothered by this or any other demonic sociopath ever again.
God bless.
Louisa,
I am so sorry this monster disguised as a person violated you and sexually molested(I am cringing just typing those words)your daughter and her friend.
I am glad to hear he is behind bars and if/when he gets out he will have the appropriate label of registered sex offender placed on his forehead.
I pray that the courts can provide you and your loved ones with services in your area.
It is NOT your fault he did this.
Stronginthecity
There are so many of them, and so many of us. You are not alone even though that is how they make us feel. The loneliest and most desperate.
We have all come to expect from these people what cannot be delivered because life is painful, uncertain and we have needs. We also could not imagine what it is like to be in their shoes so the shock stops us accepting it.
You only have today and you have done everything right. In speaking with your daughter, try to separate your experience from hers – she is far to young to understand your relationship with him. Try to separate the images of love and abuse that he has probably fused in her mind, because this is what may mess her up later as a teenager and woman. Explain over and over he was wrong and she is not responsible – even if she may have enjoyed what he did – because that is for people that love her and he took something he shouldn’t have because he is very, very sick.
All you can do now is establish a life based on your values, whatever you might be missing (or think you are missing) from sociopaths, who in the end are just shop windows with an empty room inside.
Well done for fighting! It’s over now. Every time you feel guilty, think of us all who it has also happened to.
One day there will be enough awareness and proper strategies to deal with these monsters.
I was thinking about this post since I read it the other day.
The reason is that I had found child porn on the spaths phone, which sent me into a tailspin and still can not got the sick images out of my head.
I was so naive back then.
I now now most of these sickos are porn addicted freaks.
Naive me thought how could he even have time to look at this; I will spare the details of our sex life as we all know how it rolls.
Over the top amounts of sex to increase the bond, that’s the M.O.
I don’t doubt for a minute he would do the same thing this sick dude did to your innocent daughter and her friend given the opportunity.
Thankfully I do not have small children but I found out later that a lot of the other women he was in touch with here in my city and in another state where he now lives do.
I hope that you and your daughter are getting some support and therapy and please be careful if this guy has the balls to call you from prison there is no telling what he will do.
Stronginthecity
It is not your fault. Sociopaths are so good and adept at manipulating, we often don’t notice until it’s too late.
The feeling of being hurt but strong at the same time, is one those who’re duped feel too often. You’re hurt at the deception, but yet, are strong because you survived it all, and are still standing. When my last girlfriend deceived me, and then cheated on me, I was hurt but yet thankful. Hurt at everything she did, and the level to which she hid it all, but also thankful because she did me a favor. Now I no longer had anything to worry about or get insanely upset over. A weight was lifted off my shoulders.
And as far as feeling guilty goes, whenever we are deceived, it makes us feel overwhelmingly guilty. Like we should’ve done something more……None of it was your fault.
In time, things will get better. With a lot of support and some therapy, the wounds will heal easier and things will be ok.
I know I’m just a newbie, but trust me on this 😉