Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a man whom we’ll call, “Timothy.”
I knew her from over a decade ago. I guess you can say we started as friends with benefits.
Back in those days I should’ve remembered the times we fooled around, even while she was with someone when he went out of town. Over the years she married this person, and I went on into other relationships myself.
In 2013 we had an encounter at a motel in her hometown, I happened to be working in. In 2014 the person I was in a relationship with left the state.
The woman from a decade ago then contacted me and invited me to a casino/hotel she was staying in. I went and spent a couple of nights with her, and at that point decided we should be in a relationship (RED FLAG).
The first 4 months I was seriously love bombed, she was like my everything, we seemed inseparable. We lived 100 miles away from each other, I was at her place, and on certain weekends, she was at mine.
Then she stated she didn’t want to do the long distance thing too much longer. So I decided to move in with her. I got a job in her hometown, then 2 weeks later moved into her home.
Once in her home, I noticed we would have disputes or argue over very small situations, but the thing I couldn’t understand is why and how she would become livid about the small things we argued about.
She also wanted to change me, stating she didn’t like the style of clothing I wore, and wanted to throw everything out and replace it with clothing of her taste.
The sex became very minimal, none of the things she was doing in the love bombing stage where being done anymore. She claimed to be real religious now, and said we could no longer fornicate.
That’s where marriage talk came in. We still had small arguments about anything that she would stay angry about, sometimes for up to 2 days. I started to feel very unhappy in the home.
It got to the point where I had to watch what I said, so that she wouldn’t flip out on me. I would like to settle a dispute immediately afterwards. She needs anywhere from 2 to 72 hours to calm down enough to talk about it, and in most cases she didn’t want to talk about it because it was all my fault.
She even blamed me for her own anger, stating that I’m the one who makes her angry so it’s my fault.
She even claimed to be a perfect child of God, which led to a debate in which I had to prove with a bible that God made no humans perfect. Once that was proven, she simply said she was as close to perfect as could be. Very arrogant and vain, this one was. I was starting to see her in a whole different light.
I eventually got engaged to her, thinking this is the right thing to do, maybe if we were married, and not living in sin, then our relationship would be blessed.
I found myself walking on eggshells, living with a time bomb, afraid to speak, and I was no longer doing things that interested me, she became my world, whatever it took to make her smile, which she did not do too often, what ever it took to make her laugh and seem happy became my primary focus.
I was dying inside, trying to keep her happy. I was still de-graded, slandered, and had my esteem smashed. Until finally I couldn’t take it now more, and I moved out.
After 2 weeks I was contacted by her, she admitted to having some emotional issue, and finally for once took some blame for things not working out.
So now we’re trying it again in separate places, just like in the beginning, except now we’re local. I am still aware of who she is, and will stay grounded with who I am, so we’ll see how it turns out.
We’re still engaged, even though she hardly ever wears her ring.
Sociopaths Seem Like Prince Charming…At First
Hi mate, I’m sorry to tell you, but you are playing with fire. You obviously know how bad she is as you have found this site. I thought the same things with mine (but did not know what he was) & it ended badly. She’s only keeping you around because she can still get supply from you. They do not keep you hanging around unless it benefits them. While you have some awareness get out of this relationship & go “no contact”. It might seem a harsh thing to say but it will always be about her – if she still needs your supply. If she is a P she will never change & can’t love. She will pretend it all – but only for as long as she wants to. But won’t actually change. Imagine adding children to the mix!!
I’m sorry if I’m sounding a bit firm, but I know exactly where you are now – I’ve been there & I wish someone was as firm to me.
All the best & no matter what you decide to do – always keep coming back to this site. This is our lifeline – whether or not we are still involved or not.
i have to say i agree with missymooz. i know how hard it is to accept once you’ve been hooked, and you will have to go through your own process to get there. i knew, in my brain, long before my heart accepted it, that the man i fell in love with was merely an illusion. and i went through so much agony because i couldn’t let him go, kept trying to find ways to convince myself i could handle him, that i was, in your words, grounded enough to keep my balance. i once sounded much like you. and the truth was, it was a humbling experience to find out i truly was not, and i do believe no normal person ever can be, that’s my opinion. today the only way i believe to adequately cope with a true P or even an N is to spot them and give them a wide berth. what i paid to learn that lesson, i truly hope you do not have to yourself. my health, my belongings, my home, nearly my mind, and levels of grief and pain i wish on no other human. but the hooks are deep and hard to remove once they are set, i know that. please just keep educating yourself and seeking support and eventually i hope they come out. the one thing this experience did for me, was to force me to educate myself about what i was dealing with, and fully commit to never letting anyone like this into my life or my heart ever again. which is why i’m here over a year later; i never want to forget that lesson learned.
I hope you listen to others (author of this post) your story is so identical to mine even clear down to the living a 100 miles away, then moving in way too quick and instantly things went from love bomb to crazy making with it all being your fault, to her trying to change you. Been there/done that for 10 years, unfortunately i kept coming back and had 2 kids with this monster. We never married however i did buy her a mothers ring which like yours she almost never wore, her excuse was it would break her finger out when she showered with it, but stated she didnt want to take it off right before shower cause she would lose it. So it always stayed stashed in her purse. She is not wearing that ring for 2 reasons my friend, #1 to screw with your head,,,,#2 because she is actively looking for other men.
You left her, she cannot have that, so shes trying to convince you there is a change, trust us, she has not nor will not change, its a manipulation, once she has you back in the house i bet money shes the one that starts kicking you out all the time, just like my ex did to me, i left her the first time we ever broke up, only to have her call me crying 20 mins later begging for me to come back, after that moment, every single breakup (1 -2 times a year) was always her kicking me out so she didnt look horrible, see if you leave her it makes it appear that something is wrong with her, if she kicks you out, others think you must be horrible and thats why she booted you.
If you move back in i give it 6 months to a year before your back on here again stating she started the crazy making soon after you moved in, then kicked you out, and even called the police on you with false allegations of theft or DV. Your playing with a fire you cannot tame nor put out and it will consume you.
Good luck
Tim;
Brother, I can’t express how much I am sorry to hear your story. Reading this brought back many bad memories for me although I am far removed from my “situation” now. Something I commend you for is that it seems you are very “aware” of what’s going on in your relationship whereas I was more blinded due much to my own ignorance and a dream to correct the mistakes my own parents made when we were coming up. I think what struck me the hardest about your story was the engagement/wedding ring and how she hardly wore it. Mine did the same very early in the marriage and then it became a normal thing. I even took mine off in silent protest of this but it wasn’t enough. I see you wrote that “you’re trying it again and seeing if it works”. Although I have every good wish for you, knowing my story and the countless stories of others, I fear that your efforts may be in vain. I know what it feels like to have the feeling that you are the only one with a positive outlook really well. I had the same outlook when others told me that something was wrong in my relationship, until the lies became clear and the mask fell off…for good this time. Please take care and trust your own instincts. If something feels wrong, it’s probably because it is and your gut is trying to tell you something. Continue to read and learn about this “condition” as education on the subject will open your eyes that much farther. Regardless of what route you choose, this community will always be here and we hope the best for you.
Run. Period.
B4 she gets pregnant on purpose – mark my words.
Yup, i forgot about that, as it happened to me with mine. The female version of SPs/narcs, can and will trick you into pregnancy, either by talking you into it, or simply doing something foul to get it done without your knowledge (ie poking holes in condoms, or supposedly forgetting to take b control pills) which is what mine did with our second child, she wanted another one and i kept telling her no its bad time cause we just bought a house were in much debt and were fighting way too much. I found out years later that when she had kicked me out over this she dated an ex for a couple months and i spoke to him one day and found out he could no longer have kids and he said he had told her that, explains why she booted him and called me back, i stupidly moved back in with her and within 2-3 months she was pregnant claiming she forgot to take her pill. They will do this to either lock you in for good, or 18 years of child support and or alimony.
I now only see my kids 2 days a month cause of the distance and the freaking judge ordered me to provide all transportation cause of the SPs lies in court, i also pay support, this after she got the house, the kids, two vehicles while leaving me with mine broke down after driving it for a year and got the company i helped her start and left me in shambles, that company is booming, she lies about how much she makes so she gets free assistance, then hits me up for support when i couldnt even pay it at the time, then moved a married man in with her and my kids cause he had a good paying job, so she essentially had 4 sources of income. She just moved yet wont admit it to me, and i have yet to get any notification from the court which im supposed to have according to my rights she must give the court 30 days notice of address change, so i fully plan on holding her in contempt.
I could go on writing for another two hours but i think you get the point, this is what you have to look forward to. Like wildfree said, once they have the hooks in, almost impossible to get them back out and the damage it does to you takes a long time to reverse.
LOLZ, @aintgonnatakeitnomore, where were you with this knowledge when I needed it like 15 years ago?…..wait ..don’t answer that 😀
well 13 yrs ago, i started my torturehell with the spath. we all gotta get schooled, eh?
I went back over and over again for 4 years. They know we’ll put up with it so it gets to the point where they are nice of a day before the abuse starts again. Save yourself before you become “nothing”. No contact is the only way. Trust all of us who’ve been there, it’s not you she wants, just somebody. I know I was interchangeable with anyone who would have him. Once he found a victim who was no longer obligated to children, he moved her in. A month after he met her and still talking (abusing) me. I don’t even know how many he had when we were together. I’m just getting myself back and it’s been about a year. Get out while you can. Save yourself the pain
Hello, I am the author of the above passage, and I would like to thank all who commented on my situation. The study of this subject matter has really helped me out. I left her for good. I even tried to leave on the term of being friends, but she made sure it wasn’t going to be like that, calling me immature, less of a man, saying to me she needs a real man, and I need to join a church group of God fearing men, so that they can teach me how to be a man. She made sure she went out degrading and insulting me. Also, trying to make me believe that I’m losing the best thing I ever had, I will never find another real woman like herself, etc. Well, in the midst of all that BS she was talking, I just simply told her…..(It’s all in your head) – Although I still think about and miss her a lot due to some good times we shared. I have definitely moved on, and life is good!! Lesson learned.
Timothy,
It is hard to tell from your story whether this woman is truly a sociopath or whether she is just emotionally immature and dealing with some early childhood trauma. I don’t need to tell you that a relationship starting as a FWB is a tough uphill climb for many. Once sex has entered into the picture, it opens up a whole realm of emotions that may or may not be appropriate to the person you don’t know well. They may not be deserving of your emotion, and you haven’t given yourself the time to get to know them very well before feeling bonded to them.
A sociopath is a pathological liar. They cheat, make up stories, steal, and exploit pretty much the way you and I eat and breathe, and they don’t think they have any problems. It is not clear to me from your description that she is a sociopath. She does sound like she may be narcissistic. She may truly be a monster. Or she may be acting out some deep needs she can’t express and you don’t see what is going on, so you are trying very hard to give something that she is not able to receive.
I do believe that people with early childhood trauma (that might manifest as borderline or narcissism) in a relationship can absolutely heal in the right relationship with the right understanding and the right road map. This is not easy to accomplish, but there are people who teach workshops in how partners can help each other heal from deep emotional trauma. It’s not easy, and it takes a high level of consciousness on both parts.
It sounds like whatever is going on with this woman, the relationship has become toxic for you. If it can’t get any better, there is no point to continue on down the path of destruction.
There is a set of books called “For Men Only” and “For Women Only”. I highly recommend these books for everyone. They describe how to effectively understand and communicate with the opposite sex. Men and women really are very different and have different needs. The books are a real eye opener for me, even at 56 years old. I think anyone entertaining marriage should read these books.
My best to you,
Star
Thank you, that is some good advise. We worked it out this last time because she told me that a doctor told her she had an emotional abuse disorder, which could be the cause of her raging. However, she stands firm on there is anything wrong with her, and insist everything is wrong with me. I have caught her in small lies (things normal people don’t even lie about) and always had the gut feeling of her cheating, so after 2 years of trying, I believe this is the best route.
In a healthy relationship, both people both people take responsibility for their feelings and bring everything out into the open. It takes a great deal of awareness, maturity, and intention to succeed. It sounds like she is not there. Disordered or not, she is unwilling to look at herself and do the work required. It is your choice whether you are willing to put up with the constant struggles. I wouldn’t, but I’m 56. There’s not much I will put up with these days. Regardless of whether she ever recovers from her issues, you can learn as much as you can about yourself so you can move on and make better choices in the future. I’m sorry for your suffering. I have suffered enormously with relationships and I’ve realized that I am better off alone than in a toxic one. At my age, I have become very selective about whom I spend time with. I look for character above all. For men, the process is a little different because it is usually the woman testing the man to see if he measures up to her standards. However, men should have standards, too. If they can put the physical part of the relationship on hold for a while when they meet someone they like, they can see if the woman meets those standards. After you go through so many break-ups with the wrong person, you realize the painful price for getting involved too hastily.
P.S. the “gut feeling of her cheating” is a big red flag. Trust your instincts.