UPDATED FOR 2023. Many people — both men and women — have told me that sex with a sociopath is the best they ever had. It was exciting, wild and plentiful. They never felt so desired.
Well, there are reasons for this.
First of all, both male and female sociopaths are hardwired for sex. They crave excitement and stimulation. They have high levels of testosterone, which makes them aggressively pursue sex. They start young and engage frequently. They have a lot of desire, a lot of energy and a lot of practice.
Read more: 4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating
So sex with a sociopath is out of this world — at least in the beginning of an involvement. But there are serious downsides:
1. Sociopaths cheat
Sociopaths are promiscuous — it’s one of the traits of the disorder. They start young and engage frequently. What they really want in their sex lives is variety, including a variety of partners. No matter how they may proclaim that they’ve changed, that you’re the person they’ve been waiting for forever and they’ll never need to look at another partner — well, sociopaths also lie a lot, and that’s one of their biggest lies. If you want a monogamous relationship, you will never get it with a sociopath.
2. Sociopaths will push your boundaries
Sociopaths want excitement, stimulation and variety. They also get bored easily. So once your novelty as a new partner has worn off, they’ll want to shake up their love life, perhaps by engaging in practices that you find uncomfortable. They’ll make suggestions, and if you resist, they’ll lay on the guilt trip — “if you really loved me, you would do it.” They’ll chip away at your protests, until one day you may find yourself doing things that you once thought were degrading.
3. Sociopaths use sex to manipulate you
Sociopaths target you because you have something that they want, and it may not be sex. Perhaps you have money, a nice home, social or business connections. Sociopaths know that if they can hook you sexually, you are easier to manipulate. So they take you to bed, and then press for what they really want. This is especially dangerous if you are married to someone else, work for the same organization or hold a prominent position — all of which would make you susceptible to blackmail.
4. You’ll get addicted to the relationship
Sociopaths hijack the human bonding system. Love bonds are established in the beginning of the involvement, when sociopaths shower you with attention and sex. Sexual intimacy floods your body with oxytocin, a hormone and neurotransmitter that is the glue that holds people together. The more sex you have, the more you want the relationship. You can become addicted to the relationship, which makes it difficult to escape, even when you know something is wrong with the person.
5. You’ll catch a sexually transmitted disease
Sociopaths are promiscuous. They are also reckless. And they want their stimulation. Taken together, this means they often don’t want to use protection. In a survey of Lovefraud readers, 20 percent said they acquired an STD from the sociopath. In some cases, the sociopaths knew they were HIV positive, but continued to have unprotected sex, intentionally infecting multiple partners.
6. Sociopaths may lie about sexual orientation
Some sociopaths are straight, some are gay, and some are neither straight nor gay — they’ll have sex with anyone. In the Lovefraud survey, 18.5 percent of respondents said their sociopathic partners lied about their sexual orientation. Why? It’s not necessarily because they are gay and still in the closet. More likely, they’re looking for variety, or you have something that they want, and they are using sex as a tool to manipulate you.
7. You could end up with a pregnancy
Many sociopaths both — male and female — use pregnancy to trap their partners. Having a child with a sociopath is a nightmare. First of all, it gives the sociopath an opportunity to manipulate you for the rest of your life. Secondly, and more importantly, sociopathy is highly genetic. Your child may inherit a predisposition to the disorder, and grow up to be a sociopath also. I know of many parents who had to accept that their children are disordered, and it’s heartbreaking.
Sex with a sociopath may be thrilling in the moment, but it could result in serious, life-changing consequences. If you at all suspect that your charming, exciting new love interest is disordered, don’t go to bed with this person, and exit the involvement as soon as you can.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 27, 2016.
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According to psychologist Pat Allen, men- not just sociopaths- don’t bond with sex. They can be emotionally uninvolved. That is why I have become increasingly conservative and see sex as only part of a committed relationship.
Hmmm. Men…
But, wouldn’t the spath (SP/P) brain, in particular, be even more so prone to pedophelia? In that they are not wired properly at all and are, by most accounts, seemingly without emotion or conscience?
In that they are not emotionally involved on any level, in any aspect of humanness, and what that all entails?
It is certainly something to look at further.
Refraining from sex until in a committed relationship is a good idea for most women. It’s old fashioned wisdom that’s been part of Western Culture and the major western religions for thousands of years, and abandoned only in the last couple of generations.
Annette-
Sorry to disappoint you, but refraining from sex ’til you have a committed relationship won’t help. I can’t even begin to count the number of victims who’ve come to me thinking they waited ’til they had a committed relationship, and were totally scammed.
Sexual predators have patience. They probably are getting it on the side anyway, so why not. They frequently juggle more than one person on their line. Even people who wait ’til they marry can get scammed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning jumping into bed with someone ’cause waiting doesn’t matter. I’m just waiting does not provide protection from being scammed.
Yes they are patient. He was patient in the beginning didn’t pressure me for sex. I thought this was his way of being respectful but little did i know he didn’t need to pressure me because he had the fiancé and God knows who else on the side to get it from.
Unfortunately, that’s all too typical!
Joyce
I agree that it won’t always prevent harm, particularly with spaths. However, anything that delays the bonding and the intimacy of sexual activity provides time for the potential victim to discern the true character of the predator.
There is empirical evidence that long term happiness and short term protection from harm does result from refraining from sexual activity outside a committed relationship.
I hope that each participant’s contribution here will be respected even when our views differ. I agree that refraining from sex absent a commitment is not a guarantee; however, I believe that Sunnygal’s decision will help protect her.
Hi all. Don’t know if you’ll read this Donna, but I hope so. I lived with my spath for 3 years then married him for 15. Learned he had stolen my identity and used it to access child porn from the internet. Had two children with him, the younger, my daughter, he starting sexually abusing at 7 years old. He then fought for custody and won. He took everything from me, even my children. I’ll wait to see if you respond then post more. Thanks.
Survivormom, sending you huge hugs!! I’m so sorry that you have been living a true nightmare. Heart wrenching to read your post. Keep reading everything here at lovefruad to educate yourself on the evil man that you were married to. Also if you go to the top right do a search on One moms battle. Donna has written a post on Tina Swiften site creator of One moms battle & also conducted a video interview with Tina. One moms battle has a website & a Facebook page.
Donna hopefully will post too.
Hugs to you!! take care.
I am a church member, in a secure marriage in 2014 a 78 year old woman made a pass to me on Christmas Eve 2014, I declined what followed was 3 years of emotional abuse from this woman.
I am a trained counselor ( I thought ) but I had never knowingly personally encountered a sociopath before, its taken me 3 years of Sunday morning meetings to work out I was dealing with a sociopath. I am emotionally drained, this week I told her I was prepared to report her abuse to the church safeguarding office.
She has backed off, but I am waiting for her next close encounter. They do not take no seriously.
Hi Kenuk. So sorry you had to go through this. However you never mentioned your age, gender or how the woman abused you emotionally.
My spath claimed to be a ‘christian’ as well, but turned out to be a nightmare – a true wolf in sheep’s clothing. She would have a huge grin on her face when she said the most hurtful things and would act like a 4 year-old when she would shoot down what I would consider ‘reasonable’ requests.
Spaths can be very dangerous so maybe you could try another church for awhile while the safeguarding office decides what to do about her.
Hi Kenuk, it’s sadly normal to feel “emotional drained” by a sociopath. BEWARE you have exposed a sociopath and sociopath hate to be exposed!!! My advise is to go to your Church pastor(s) and let them know what you have found out about this person. Give them specific events with the list of traits of a sociopath so that the pastor is educate on this matter. A sociopath will start a “sociopath smear campaign” and also “sociopath triangulation” (look up these terms here at Lovefraud & the net) against anyone that tries to expose them. The good guy ends up being the bad guy via the sociopaths pathological lying, gas lighting abuse (google & look up here at love fraud) & manipulation.
It takes a village to take down a sociopath. This person has been manipulating lots of people in your church not just you. Others know something is off with this person but can quite put their fingers on what.
I want you to know that many many many counselors are not educate on how to spot a sociopath not even in couples therapy. So you are not alone. It was brave of you to let us know that you are a counselor. I like the saying “when you know better, you do better”. So now you know how to spot a sociopath & can pass this valuable information on to so many of your clients. If you look on the Lovefraud home page Donna has continuing education credited internet classes for counselors like yourself. Also do a search on “mary ann Glenn” (here at LF) she is also a counselor who conducts free group counseling sessions on the net. Donna has a few videos with Mary Ann & they are excellent. Well worth your time.
For your clients the book: One moms battle by Tina Swiften is excellent with regards to dealing with a narcissist in divorce & child custody court. She has a site & also a website. If you do a search here on LF you will find Donna’s post on Tina’s book & also a video interview with Tina.
Up at the top of Lovefraud there is a section for Videos (by Donna) and also a book store including Donna’s books. One book that helped me out when I first left to get my bearing back with regards to listening to my gut again (a sociopath will manipulate you to not listen to your gut over time you end up not trusting your gut instinct) is the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker. IF you google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” you can find their interview.
Wishing you all the best. take care.