Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on April 23, 2012.
One trait or behavior does not make a sociopath – look for a pattern of traits and behaviors
This is so true. Sex with my ex-sociopath was the ultimate. It took nearly two years for him to cheat on me, once he did sex was never the same with me. At one point I told him that I was bored with his “sex activities”. It became so routine, the same ol’ same ol’. Never was there any romance it was always about HIM, HIM, HiM. It makes me sick to think of how he made me feel in the beginning. How he claimed he wore his heart on his sleeve. He would say he loved everything about me. I was his true love, his soulmate. Yeah, right! After I started to refuse him he tried even harder. There was never a doubt in my mind that when he wasn’t with me he was with someone else. He just couldn’t stand that I was rejecting him. He gave his own self away. One day he called and told me he had went to take a HIV test. My response was why would he need a test if he was being true to me. That was proof he is who he is a lying cheating, manipulating, self centered, sex feign arrogant asshole. I now realize it was never real. His famous words
“Keep it real”. Thank God he is out of my life and the love I had for him faded the day he stepped out on me.
Constance247 your story sounds a bit like mine, apart from the HIV part. Great sex at the start n then became routine, I did the denying thing too sometimes it bothered him other times it didn’t. So then he decided to do the same, no sex, cuddles or anything intimate and this could go on for weeks or months, got worse when I became pregnant. His thing was dating sites. Would join and message anyone and send his phone number to text them throughout the day/night, denied ever meeting up with anyone when he was caught. He would lie about the littlest of things and for no reason, would get angry and aggressive when questioned on something. Was vain about his appearance, liked going to the gym working out in front of the mirror at home etc.. I left 2months ago with our child. Nearly 10 years of my life wasted on this excuse of a man. His favourite phrase was also keep it real! He has left me angry hurt disappointed and feeling like I can’t ever trust another man again. I know they are just temporary feelings, but it angers me how I have to rebuild my whole life find a new home etc for us n he gets to carry on like we probably didn’t exist. These people should be locked away for the safety of others.
My ex ruffied me the second date we had. Yes the sex was glorious but I spent the rest of our relationship waiting for a replay. As well he withheld sex unless I had money to “lend” him and because he had a mistress at work, there was very little sex ever again. So basically he fucked me. Maybe 10 times during our 6 month relationship and 17 day marriage. So it was not really great sex ever again. Like the first shot of heroin I guess. You chase that first time to have it again. I haven’t had sex ever since. Too traumatized by the control it gave him. Maybe one day I will trust a man again and try to have sex once more. Maybe when I am 95.
This is true for me as well on the other side of the spectrum as a man with a female sociopath. She wasn’t the prettiest woman I had gone out with, she didn’t have the best body and it wasn’t the best sex of my life, but something about her was extremely attractive and the sex was consistently amazing. I think it was a combination of her physical looks, the way she reacted during sex and being touched, her biological excitement, the things she said before and during sex and the strength of her orgasms. She knew what to say and what to do to get me turned on and she also knew what she liked. There were red flags from the beginning, we had sex twice the first night we stayed together (this was only the 3rd time we had seen each other) which is extremely quickly for me. I may be different than most men in that I feel a deep connection during sex and have that after-glow sensation. That was something that was missing from her. She could have an extremely strong orgasm then was pretty much cold after that. We had sex very often in the first 5 months of our relationship and became pregnant very soon after. Now that I look back, I can see she used the sex to hook me and possibly used me to accomplish her goal of having a baby. Since the pregnancy she changed dramatically and started to show her true self. It’s been a nightmare the past 3 years in a custody battle as she has manipulated the system and manufactured quite the situation to gain control of custody. Things have started to even out and she has spent an exorbitant amount of money on attorney’s fees, but she has turned things up and is showing how evil she can be. It bothers me that I sometimes miss the sex with her and think about the person she presented herself to be. I wish I was over that person completely.
For nearly three years I have been in the on again off again relationship. This sociopath is one strange man. This article is exactly what his sex game is all about. I know it and I play along. But, I don’t always give in.
This man basically lives off me as he has a wife he brought from another country who he has made sure is incapable of getting around by herself. The situation is so convoluted it is beyond my comprehension why I remain.
I am retired and care for an elderly mother. I am somewhat isolated as I now have no one really to speak to other than a few friends that don’t live near by. They know my situation and for the most part understand why I am with this man. He doesn’t make a lot of money so it is like taking blood from a stone. His wife has control of his income as it goes into an account only she has control so he says.
He suffered a heart attack in April and did not work for two months. Had it not been for me, I am not sure how he would have survived. I am sure in some way they would have muddled through. We fought and I threw him out. He was supposedly in shock when I drove him home. All he had was the clothes on his back and I had his meds. He doesn’t write English and I am not sure he can read his own language. I translate things in his language and I am not sure he can read it. I believe he has dyslexia and has never been diagnosed. He didn’t even have his doctor’s information.
My children are totally disgusted with me for being with him and have given me additional grief. One lives 12 minutes away and has not helped me with my mother in 10 years. The other two visited and also wanted nothing to do with this program with my mother. My mother is now in Hospice care as she can not get around as she has in the past. They send a CNA twice a week to help bath and a nurse comes once a week to check her health and make a report. Once a month a social worker comes to visit to make sure I have all my faculties to take care of my mother. I have discussed my situation with this man and the advise is if it gets too bad to throw him out for good.
My house is a huge burden and doing all the work around here myself is rough. He has done some jobs that have saved me money but it probably doesn’t cover the expense of supporting him. I have a few large projects and we shall see if they come to pass.
He is good with my mother. He helps with delivering her meals and talking with her and making her laugh. I cannot sit with her all day long and so this is a relief for me.
In the past he had me so manipulated I would not even comment on the fact he was using me. Now when he tries his games I am straight forward. I let him know he is living off me, his lazy son and daughter in law are indirectly living off me and if he doesn’t like what I am doing or saying there is the door.
Believe it or not there is a good soul in there. It is just so messed up and I believe it developed because of his father.
This man is his own worst enemy and he will die an early death if he doesn’t change his attitude. He acts like a spoiled brat at times. He is particular on what he eats, hates left overs and just plan fussy. He is somewhat hypochondriac and paranoid. Always looking for attention.
Ironically two weeks after his heart attack his wife and daughter in law were in a car accident. He got so emotional. At first I did not want to bring him to the hospital, but then I thought he just had a heart attack. I sat in the parking lot over two hours waiting. I spoke with the one daughter in law but the sons acted like I am the culprit. Their father has cheated on their mother their entire lives. In fact they only married so they could relocate here because of the fighting in their country. I wanted to leave him with his family that night, but couldn’t. When he had his heart attack he asked for me to stay with him. He knows I am the only one really capable of handling things. But I am not totally stupid, I knew there would be doctor visits, co-pays and drug co-pays.
His desire for sex is still there, however I know his medication has slowed his libido, but he doesn’t want me to think it or know it. My husband had diabetes, a heart condition and kidney failure so I know what comes along. His mind is willing but his ability is not the same and he has become frustrated. He still tries to rile me up so he gets his kicks, but often nothing develops.
Those who know me well know I never let any man manipulate me. I fell into this trap but I also know I am tied to this house and there are not many men my age who want to be with a woman who has children or an elderly mother to care for. This is a sad reality.
As much as he can aggravate me, he can make me happy. I just wish the happy days were more than the bad ones. I can’t change the wind, but I can adjust my sails. If my sails get too large and boring we all know he will take his ball and play in another yard. I just need the strength to get through it.
Another chapter in this saga. I have been on this site before.
I have great empathy for you and unfortunately you have great empathy for him. Empathy is something sociopaths lack and those of us whom they target – we have supercharged empathy. That is one of the reasons they target us. Because they know that along with that is a huge heart and great optimism that they will change.
But as someone who spent 16 years with one, I can tell you for certain this man doesn’t have the ability to change. I see traces in there of “if he changed….” You have got accept the fat that even if there were to be even an ounce of self awareness, he wouldn’t know how to change it and even if he did, he is not wired with the ability to actually change.
Ok wow. This is another oddity from my 16 year marriage. When you wrote “When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.” I thought exactly.
Thing is until the last 1-2 years of our marriage when we had these fights he would give me the silent treatment. We had three kids and he literally could walk around the house all weekend or say for up to 3 or 4 days and just ignore and not talk to me. And how would this end?
Almost always, I’d be awoken in the middle of the night when he’d roll over and make the most passionate love to me – well what I thought was love at the time. Often times he start by giving me this toe-curling kiss and then with those dark eyes stare at me and tell me “I fucking love you so much.” And that was it, the argument was over. And after sex like that and him talking to me again, why on earth would i revisit whatever it was that started the argument. He won.
I convinced myself that this was an amazing love because the way he would wake up out of a dead sleep and say those words – it was like his subconscious. Like that was really how he felt.
It’s really almost embarrassing to write this, because as I do I realize how insanely crazy that was. I mean who does that? How on earth did I translate that into love? I hadn’t thought about that at all in a long time until I read this. That’s one of the terrible things about involvement with a sociopath, eventually you realize you don’t know what real love looks like.
Omg. Wow.
That is too true. After being involved with a disordered person such as a SP, we don’t even know what real love feels or looks like.
How sad that is, really. I hurt just thinking about it.
So sorry that any of us have gone through this. The emotional pain literally brings you to your knees.
We think that everyone just knows what love is. That is not the case.
I’ve been single for almost 20 years; no dates, nothing. Frankly I’d be afraid to trust another again. A friend of mine has had an old boyfriend come back into her life. They talk, they have dinner dates, its wonderful to see that the ‘old magic’ is still there. Both have lost spouses. I cant ever see this happening to me. Oh, my psychopath was loving, too..ALL the right moves/words/kindesses (no gifts, he was too cheap)..but I fell for him anyway. AS time went on, the sex became ‘on demand’, HIS demands, HIS time/ his way..like putting coins in a vending machine, to get candy/pop. And if I didnt want him at HIS orders..I was a failure as a sex partner, a woman whom he put down, dispised,when I wasnt ‘hot enough’ or eager and ready quickly enough for him. Rough, aggressive relations often felt like rape; maybe they were. Nothing can ruin a womans’ self esteem, like a partner who treats her badly because of sex. I havent spoke of this before, its too emotionally painful.
Dear Regretfully, I hope talking about this painful stuff can help you to heal to where you can even consider dating again. If you are touching on the pain while sharing, you are on the road to healing, so I appreciate your vulnerability. It takes courage.
There is also nothing wrong with being single and being selective. It’s good to know you have choices. Not all men are like your ex. There are some good ones out there. I’ve not had the best experiences with men myself, and at 56, I’m much happier being single. It would take someone really really special to get my attention. I just ended a 2-year relationship. It was difficult because he had so many positive traits. But I found myself feeling down more than happy with him, and I’m grateful I had the strength to walk away, even though we had started living together. My experience with the sociopath made me stronger. I think if you can survive a sociopath, you can survive anything.
I once had a boyfriend who was like your ex – very controlling sexually. In fact, I had to dress up in certain things every night and act a certain way. Looking back, the problem was not that he was a narcissist. The problem was that I didn’t recognize it. I took what he said personally and felt if I couldn’t perform to his standards, I wasn’t good enough. I know better now. Whoever you date, just know you have the power to control the pace of the relationship. You have the power to discern good intentions from bad. A decent man won’t mind being tested and scrutinized under the microscope of a highly self-respecting woman. When you respect yourself, you carry yourself in a way that demands respect from others, too.
I probably will never want sex with another man again. This man was my ONLY sexual partner; I was a virgin (even with my first and ONLY boyfriend before this man). A lot of he targeted me for, Im sure now, was that I had NO sexual experience with anyone else to compare with him, and he would/could do anything with me that he wanted to; that I wouldnt know any different. As he put it “I was bought and paid for” and he could and did do anything he wanted to, with me. I’ve been teased by some people for NOT dating..this is a BIG reason why.
THAT statement deserves to be framed and hung on the wall! If only people were capable of recognizing that all the insults and putdowns that come out of an abuser’s mouth and behavior are really all about THEM and not about you, they would be immunizing themselves to so much of the emotional damage that abusers do. Regrettably, immunization of that kind is not what usually happens, for reasons we all understand only too well.
I didn’t find anything earth shaking about sex with the sociopath, but it was almost 10 years ago now so I hardly remember. I hardly knew him in spite of the picture he created of a perfect life together. I am by nature a little reserved with everyone, and I hang back a little before I’m all completely in love. I think that fact saved me with him because after I got hooked, I still managed to maintain my skeptical mind. It really served me. I got in and out in 3 months, though it took at least a full year to recover. I wasn’t really in love with him or even my idea of him. I was in love with being in love. His promise of being my hero and my ever after filled some dreadful void I had and fear about growing old alone. I thought he was the man I had waited for my whole life. I wanted so much to believe that fantasy it overrode my intuition. But only for a few months. Then I came to my senses. If I could offer any advice to anyone getting back to dating it would be to go very slowly and keep your skeptical mind intact. Just because the guy is in a big hurry doesn’t mean you need to be too. Make him go at your pace. If he can’t, he’s not right for you.
It is good to understand them for self protection but who cares what they want.