Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received this letter from a man in Massachusetts, who ended up houseless, wifeless and kid-less. We’ll call him Gary.
I just turned 39 this July. I got married to a woman in 1995. We just got divorced in February of this year.
While married to this woman, two beautiful children were born to us — or so I thought. The oldest just turned six in May. The youngest will turn three in August.
One night in July of 2007, I came home to find my wife speaking with another man in my home late at night. Of course the reasons for him being there were all phony, as I later discovered. Anyway, uncomfortable with that situation, I decided to do some investigating. It turns out there were phone records and txt messages logged on my cell phone bill, which led me to believe she was having an affair. When approached, she denied it, and the started making me think like I was crazy. When I approached the now “boyfriend,” he also denied it.
I did further investigation, and through my own methods, got more information than any man might hope to get regarding my situation.
I had reasons to believe or suspect that it was possible that one or both of my children may not be mine. It turns out she was having an affair with at least two other men at the same time she was married to me. One of these relationships actually spans (at best guess) 10 years of this 12-13 year marriage. (13 Years, because the court dragged it out another year.)
Left the marital home
After receiving my information, and more outright lies from my wife, I left the marital home in August of 2007. We were still amicable over the children at first. Not knowing what to do, I wanted to get DNA testing to prove if in fact the children were mine. I could not do that. As soon as I tried, I got a protective order placed against me. After that I did choose not to see the children, due to the circumstances around the protective order, for several months. I was not going to be humiliated trying to visit with the children in a police station or whatever it was they wanted me to do.
During that time, I stopped paying the mortgage as I could no longer afford it. I had to close down my business (just me) and take a job with a customer of mine because I couldn’t function correctly, let alone try to run a business. I also had no option but to move in with my parents in a 55 or older mobile home community. I also ended up going through a personal bankruptcy.
She subsequently filed for divorce, and I had to hire an attorney. With the information I had, I thought when I went to court to ask for the paternity test it would be granted. Wrong! Upon reconsideration, my motion was denied, as her attorney argued case law and the presumption.
It’s important to note, while in front of another judge (one of the six) she stated that she was on vacation when our case was first heard and she WOULD have allowed the paternity test — if for no other reason a medical one. One of the things I was hoping for!
Signed the stipulation
In January of 2008, a stipulation was crafted by my wife’s attorney outside of the courtroom. The stipulation stated that she would agree to paternity testing based on one of the three possible outcomes. 1) Neither child is the husband’s. In this case, the child support I was paying would cease and become “Alimony” at the same rate as the child support guidelines for six years. Outcomes 2 and 3 were if I was the father of one or both. (Those outcomes did not happen).
Under extreme duress, yet of “free will” and as emotional as that fiasco was, I signed the stipulation with my lawyer present. Big mistake!
I at the time believed the youngest probably wasn’t mine and the oldest most likely was. (I mean after all I was married to her for 12 years!)
It was around February of 2008 when I did finally see the children again, yet before the DNA test results were in, because of what I heard the oldest boy had said. I guess he looked out the window one afternoon, while at his great-grandmother’s home and said, “I miss my daddy,” and started to cry. After hearing that, I was an emotional wreck for two days and could not even leave the house because my eyes were so welled up.
Upon seeing them again, I was greeted by my first name by the oldest, and the youngest, who wasn’t even walking when I had stopped seeing them, came over and put his arms up to be held. You can imagine how I felt. (Or can you?)
Not the father
When the test results came back, I was notified that I was the father of neither child. It turns out they actually have two different fathers! One is now currently paying child support and is the biological father, and unbeknown to me, was actually visiting the oldest child at the marital home on occasion, whether he knew if it was his boy or not, I do not know.
The second child, I believe is of her current boyfriend, though they denied all that in court. I have proof I can’t use, due to how I obtained it.
As soon as I had left the marital home, in August of 07, her boyfriend basically moved right in and I was effectively and immediately replaced.
After the results of the DNA tests were in, I chose not to see the children. A sad, devastating decision, yet one that I feel had to be made.
As soon as I knew I wasn’t the biological father of either child, I knew who was. She went after the first father, as their relationship ended due to all this, and is living with the father of the second child.
Paying alimony
My attorney was completely useless, and I felt like I was always making suggestions as to how to approach this entire case. She allowed me to sign the stipulation in my emotional condition and was useless to try to come up with a plan to somehow seek my answers another way.
Fast forwarding, I stopped paying any money to my wife after finding out what happened. As far as I am concerned the stipulation was fraudulent. I, of course, was then in contempt of not paying, and back in court again, another judge (another one of the six) stated she wasn’t going to find me in contempt and believed I deserved my day in court.
Other judges that we were in front of did not like the agreement, and expressed concern over securing alimony as it was presented.
I subsequently asked my attorney to withdraw — and I still owe her $5000.
The final judge to hear the trial found that I should be bound to the stipulation and pay the $225/week alimony payment for six years. That was issued Feb. 2009. I have of course have not paid any money, which I did state at one point to the judge that I would rather sit in jail than give her one red cent.
Read more — Sociopaths as Parents (Part 2): What the child sees matters!
June 17th 2009 was my contempt hearing date. I had filed a motion of relief from the judgment, hoping the judge will be convinced that it was fraud, or at the very least “innocent misrepresentation,” as means to find relief on my behalf. But the judge didn’t receive it by June 17th, and when I went to court, I ended up going to jail for the day. I was content staying jail, although my boss saw things differently, and by the end of the day, I contacted him from jail to help me get out which he did. So I now pay the $225/week for six years.
Ex-wife is a sociopath
I have not seen the children in more than a year. I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again.
To give you some insight into my reasoning, my thoughts are as follows. This is a toxic situation, thanks to my ex-wife, who I now know is a sociopath. No sorry, no nothing. She could care less about anybody’s feelings in this matter. My parents, no longer grandparents, two other families have grandchildren they didn’t know they had.
The oldest has been exposed to at least three men in his short life, and needs as much stability as possible. His father does have visitation. The youngest was only 1.5 years old when I stopped seeing him and has been with his father since I left so it is unlikely he will remember or know who I am. Who would I be referred to as? The emotional anguish is just too much to bear.
She is about to be evicted from the marital home and I guess she is going to live with the boyfriend, the youngest child’s father.
I have nothing to say to my ex-wife, nothing to say to either father, although I had held out hope that the oldest child’s father would be reasonable enough to at least let me know how he is doing, but no luck so far.
Think about the children
As far as I go, houseless, wifeless, and kid-less, bankrupt, and drunk most nights (I rarely used to drink). I just got my first DUI in November of this past year.
I got kicked out of my parent’s home because I’m not 55 or older after living there for a year. (Park rules) I now rent a basement apartment not far from where my parents live, although it is 100 mile round trip commute to get to and from work.
I think about the children every day, occasionally cry over them because I am left with the perception of how at least the oldest child feels and thinks — only because I am an adult. I pray both of the children will be OK. I, on the other hand, have to live with this for the rest of my days on this planet. I never know when I will be overcome with sadness over what should have been or missing them. I am always reminded when I see an infant or a toddler with his Dad of how life was and was supposed to be. Now devastated, I have to some how rebuild, start over with less than nothing, and dare I say maybe have kids of my own someday. Who knows?
People say, why don’t you just pay the money — at least you have your freedom? Unfortunately, if I have to pay this money I am not free. A freedom I never even knew was taken away when the presumption was instituted or accepted so many years ago.
And in the middle of this ridiculous situation are two beautiful children, robbed of man who could have given them the moral beliefs I share, and the good things this life has to offer. I fear I have done all I can and my best for them. I got them the truth, something they were unable to get for themselves, and something other unscrupulous individuals should have done for them a long time ago.
Move forward slowly
It is important to note: when I went to get some counseling due to all this, in my first meeting the therapist said, “It sounds like the woman you’ve been married to has no conscience, and those people can’t be helped.”
After hearing this, and of course believing that everyone could be helped, I went on the computer and did a search on “people without a conscience” That led me to your site almost two years ago. After reading the material you’ve compiled, every switch, light, thought and thing that happened that didn’t make sense at the time over the years with this woman, all made complete and utter sense. Now, I believe one of the only things that have helped me though this nightmare is knowing what I didn’t know before. Knowing there is nothing I could have done before, and nothing that can be done now to help or fix this situation. It just the way it is and I somehow have to move forward albeit very, very slowly.
Learn more — Breaking through to alienated kids
Lovefraud originally posted this story on August 6, 2009.
Games sociopaths play
Gary, as the others have posted here — you are at the right place — to begin your healing. My heart was just ripped apart reading your story. The empathy at LF is the best thing about it. EVERYBODY here has been hurt by someone (very badly) ”“ so, you are not alone. That gave me some comfort, knowing I was not alone in what turned out to be (just like yours) a nightmare. My story is very much like yours; unfortunately, the “search” utility on the LF website does not function very well. If you searched for my posting(s) under my log in name (Blindsided) you get nothing. Suffice it to say that our situations were very similar ”“ except that my ex bought a house 1 block from me and has lived there with her 4th husband for the last 3 years. Imagine (you) seeing your ex wife everyday (with your 2 boys) driving by your home every single day. It just makes the healing that much harder.
Everyone has to take their own path ”“ and heal at their own pace. You do not know how long that is going to take; but it takes a long time. In my case, a wonderful, caring relationship with an empathetic woman has helped me to turn around and heal more and more each day. Unfortunately, what happened to me has altered me as a human being, i.e”.”I will never get married again” ”“ and- If I were to learn my ex has been killed in an auto accident I would be, totally, non-plussed. I would not care one whit. I NEVER USED TO BE THAT WAY.
These are just 2 of the ways that I have been altered forever. If you are interested in reading my post, please leave your e-mail address and I will forward it. Best of luck and my prayers are with you, brother.
Welcome, Gary
I read your article and the comments – you are in a healing and safe place here, with people who all have “variations on the theme” as to backstory.
IMO, all you can do is keep on keeping on – and when it’s hard to get out of bed, you just DO it anyway. I know it’s a b**** to get stuck paying money to some SLIMEBALL for children that aren’t even yours. I had that suspicion about my guy’s littlest one – BUT, we live in WA state and the LAW takes the view that IF the child was born to parents who were married at the time, the LAW considers them ‘product of the union” – hence, they say “you ARE responsible….” – I wanted my guy to have his little boy DNAtested for paternity, but he dragged his feet and wouldn’t do it – I don’t think he WANTED to know (IF) that the child might not be his – his NOW EX-NPD wife was sleeping with anything that MOVED, except her husband (well except that ONCE – make-up sex and she KNEW she was ovulating…she’s bragged about knowing ‘just when it happens” to several people in her “chats” – so I questioned whether or not the little boy was even his to begin with.
Matt – who posts on here when he’s not ‘stomping’ out fires (cleaning up the mess HIS narcissopath left him with – is an attorney, and has offered to help with advice as to the LEGAL linchpins that so much of our “recovering” depends upon – maybe he’ll pop in here with some general advice on your situation. I only know how it works here in WA state, as I said.
In fact, I married a guy in 1992, two kids, never married the mother; the oldest DOES look just like him, but when I saw the younger boy, I immediately ‘KNEW” that the child wasn’t his – I asked then-hubby “say, who was hanging around back in the day, when the younger was conceived?” He mentioned a few guy friends and acquaintances whom I knew from “our crowd” – as soon as he said one guy’s name, it clicked – yeppers, the youngest looks JUST like that guy…
I was working as a dental office manager in SeaWA – had been there for two yrs, at the time I married ‘the loser’ – WA state DID have, at that time, a COMMUNITY property assumption of, NOT the prior debts of the partner, but apparently I assumed the role of Step-mom once I’d married him. long story short, Div of Child Support began garnishing my checks to cover HIS child support for the boys; in fact, their mother was going to obtain a modification for MORE CS, because I was bringing home more money than “the loser” hubby (!)
Needless to say, my boss (DDS), who was VERY “pay your bills on time” made it known to me that she really wasn’t happy about the fact that “I’d gotten myself into a mess like this (! ?? ).” Um yeah – no “spit” – I didn’t know the state could come after the new spouse for the kids, born out of wedlock, to a flakey kinda gal (I’m being kind) – and take MY hard earned money, when I had a child of my OWN to support, and HER Dad NEVER EVER paid a DIME…
UPSHOT: WA state has since repealed that stupid-assed law; BUT, I legally separated from the loser, “we” filed bankruptcy – to get the garnishment stopped; but my days as a dental office manager were numbered, and then OVER.
Just like that, my education was for naught; I was blackballed, because a dental office manager, discussing payment plans and insurance coverages with patients, taking payments, and handling the deposits at the bank, gets credit checks run on them when applying for a new job!
And the garnishment AND the bankruptcy led potential employers to believe I was financially irresponsible.
But the loser didn’t care; HE didn’t buck up and get a better paying job so HE could handle his OWN “chit” –
So I feel your pain…been there, done that, and have the T-shirt…
but all that crap is 14 years behind me; I’m picking up my last bit of Community College credits, for transfer to 4 yr University; having seen and experience firsthand just how the legal system AND LAWYERS
(Matt is the exception which proves the rule!)
screw fathers over, stalling, delaying, and dragging stuff out for the financial benefit of attorneys, my plan is to get a double Bachelor’s – Psychology and Criminal Justice and to become a Guardian ad Litem ( some states use the ; I also would like to see the WA state ‘Mandatory Parenting class” that all parents MUST take as part of the dissolution process here, UNIFIED. There are so many half-assed “classes” people merely have to sit in for an hour or two, get a note, and can claim they “learned something” – If I can intern at the AG’s office for a year – or be a “project manager” specifically to work out ONE unified class, take it statewide, TRAIN the TRAINERS to all the same info and standards, I believe I will have made a positive, constructive difference. Let’s HOPE…
Anyway, keep coming back – someone is always here for you…and read what’s posted between your “reads” – there are pearls to be found here, and you sometimes have to split the oyster to get to them….
~jewels~
whoops – I lost half a sentence “Guardian ad Litem ( some states use the -” should read “term special advocate” – which is essentially the same “job” – sry – “BAD FINGERS, BAD BAD BAD!!!” – I just blame it on this funky keyboard, perched in my lap, and UNDER the desk-in the dark! – YEAH, that’s it…
Gary,
Although I have not posted on this site my experience with a sociopath. I do monitor and read the stories wrote by others on here.
You have come to the right place! I may not be able to give you advice. You may never forget what has happened, But for me time has helped to ease the pain. I hope it does for you to.
Dear Terriecollins,
I am so glad that you have been here reading and learning, and also glad that you introduced yourself to the rest of us. KNOWLEGE=POWER, and just posting to Gary, showing that you CARE is more than you will ever know as support.
Part of the bestthing I think about LF is that people can relate to each other. I’m glad you are here and I hope in the future you will post more. Welcome!!!! God bless.