Sociopaths do not have the ability to love — but they’re really good at faking it. That’s one of the many true statements that I made in my TEDx talk. I was censored by TED — I don’t know why — so I finally re-recorded my speech and posted it on Youtube. I hope to warn you that sociopaths live among us, so you can protect yourself.
But what if you’ve already encountered a sociopath? What if you’ve been deceived and betrayed, and you don’t know how or why it happened? What if you’re still in shock, or angry at yourself, or stuck in grief over the loss of your dreams?
How to mend your broken heart
In my view, mending your broken heart is a process. It includes three broad categories of recovery — intellectual, emotional and spiritual. Here are some quick observations that may help you.
Intellectual recovery
The intellectual aspect of your recovery means understanding what happened — who you were dealing with, how they behave and why you fell for them.
Sociopaths are people who cannot authentically love: An important component of real love is caregiving. If you truly love someone you want what is best for them and when necessary, you’re willing to take care of them. Sociopaths don’t do caregiving. Despite their flowery words, they can’t love. It’s impossible.
Sociopaths know what they are doing, and you were targeted: Because sociopaths do not have the ability to authentically love, they view other people as objects to be used. The sociopath you encountered wanted something from you. He or she then figured out your vulnerabilities and used them to hook you.
You fell for it because vulnerabilities are not flaws, they’re human: We all have vulnerabilities. If you want something, it creates a vulnerability. Sociopaths are skilled at pumping you for information and then using your deepest, darkest secrets as bait. Cut yourself some slack — they’re professionals, and you, as a normal human with normal vulnerabilities, never had a chance.
Emotional recovery
Emotional recovery means processing the pain of the betrayal and letting it go. So what exactly are emotions and what do I mean by processing?
Emotions are information: They are internal signals designed to grab your attention. They may be warnings that something is wrong or indications that something is good and right.
All emotions are valid — fear, anger, joy, happiness, grief. There is no such thing as a wrong emotion. But it is possible to have problematic reactions to emotions. That’s why skills of emotional regulation are so important.You need to be able to control your emotions in situations in which it is not safe to express them.
Emotions are also energy disturbances: Our physical beings are both biological and energetic. Along with our bodies, we all have energetic fields within and around us. You may have heard of meridians, chakras and auras. These are energetic structures.
When you are betrayed by a sociopath or have any other painful experience, your negative emotions about what happened can get stuck in your energetic field. Whether you feel anger, grief, pain, sadness, disappointment — if you’re not able to express them when the incident happens, they attach themselves to your energetic field and stay there. That’s what you’re feeling when you sense internal turmoil.
Energy disturbances can be released: This is how you can feel better. Think of an incident when the sociopath betrayed you. Allow your true emotions of the situation into your awareness, without judgment. You may never have done this before, because we usually squash painful emotions. Just sit with the disturbance, and fairly quickly, it will begin to move and dissipate. Then the emotion is gone.
Spiritual recovery
There are many ways to describe spiritual practices, from traditional religion to a force running through the universe to honored ancestors to our own higher knowing. One way to describe spiritual practice is the search for meaning. In this sense, discovering why the sociopath came into your life goes a long way in your recovery.
There is a reason for your experience: Your run-in with the sociopath may seem to be so random, so out of the blue, but I believe there is always a reason for the encounter.
The sociopath may be just like your mother, father or a previous romantic partner. The sociopath may be a mirror to show you that you should value yourself more highly. Maybe the sociopath came into your life so you could realize that you were mistreated, and heal the pain of the most recent and earlier experiences.
Deeper, more distant meaning: Sometimes, the reason for the experience with the sociopath goes way back. In my case, I learned that I’d spent multiple lifetimes battling my sociopathic ex-husband, Jame Montgomery, and this time around my soul wanted it to end. So what happened? He crashed into my life and betrayed me again. But this time I found the meaning, learned the lesson and removed him permanently from my existence.
Healing your heart is always the answer
So how do you truly get over the sociopath? You understand what happened, process the emotional pain, and discover the meaning of the experience. All of this leads to healing in your heart.
Healing your heart is always the answer. Yes, you can feel joy again. You can love and trust again. You can acquire wisdom from your experience. And you can move on to a life that is better than you thought possible.
Learn more: Watch my video called, “True Recovery from the Sociopath.”
Please share my talk about sociopaths — TED censored it