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A chilling short film portraying sociopathic domestic violence

I did not experience violence at the hands of my sociopathic husband, and for that I am eternally grateful. But 36 percent of the people who completed the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey said they were physically abused, and 34 percent said their lives were threatened.

A short film by Sharon Wright, called Tell Me That You Love Me, provides a chillingly accurate depiction of violence in an intimate relationship. It’s chilling and accurate because she experienced it.

Sharon explains why she made the film in a separate YouTube video. I cannot add anything to her words, except to thank her for making the film. It captures, in a little over five minutes, the horror of domestic violence, and the aftermath for the victim.

I also thank Robert in Seattle, who forwarded the links.

P.S. This film may be triggering to Lovefraud readers. Sharon suggests that you not watch it at work or around small children. I second her advice.


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44 Comments on "A chilling short film portraying sociopathic domestic violence"

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Wow.

Yes, that triggers.

The first thought that came into my head is that, before I lived some of this, I had watched a couple films portraying domestic violence, like the Julia Roberts movie Living with the Enemy. But at the time, I had no personal experience with it so it was just a film. And in some ways, I found it unbelievable. Even in her movie, I thought “that guy is way over the top. This is unrealistic.” And I didn’t understand how she felt so trapped and couldn’t get away. It just seemed extreme.

There were a few other films or short TV movies I’d seen. Again, it all seemed remote, distant, not applying to my life.

Then I had my own experience. Which was shattering and isolating and the PTSD that followed for a very long time after (and during), intensely.

And the experience I had from that was that no one in my life understood what I was going through. Only from a distance, like I had felt, watching those films. But they didn’t really KNOW.

I have actually not seen anything film-like, graphic, since then. So it has been a long time.

This short film is really good. I like it that it is so short, because it is very hard to watch. But like she said, she needed to get her experience onto film, to take it somehow out of her head, out of her (and that this worked), I found it similarly helpful to view, even though our situations/scripts were not exactly the same.

It’s a sisterhood that no one should belong to. But we do, and it helps to know that we are not alone.

I’m not sure what the next steps could be. You can’t ERASE the experience from your life. Just keep interpreting it, I guess. The physical body will work to heal itself. The psyche is a little more tricky.

In a word, harrowing.

What a brave woman.

It is testament to her strength, physical and emotional that she survived and is able to “get on” with her life.

So many triggers in just the title of this I couldn’t watch the video…I know all too well how bad things can get inside the house of a psychopath. Damn…so glad information is getting out there!

Sharon,

I admire your braveness in doing this film and re-living the horror to be able to release it and share it with us.

What struck me the most was that you said you had never experienced physical violence with this indvidual and you didn’t think he was capable of it….only to find out otherwise.

I was lucky I escaped Sociopathic emotional and sexual abuse after 5 years, not ever experiencing the blows like you did, I too never thought he was capable of physical violence even tho my friends would warn me, I’m glad I didn’t have to find out. I guess getting bit during sex and getting literaly pissed on and my face covered in urine was the worst of it.

He still stalks me even though he has a new GF, but after hearing your story I wouldn’t put it past him to do the same.

Thank you for sharing, blessings and hugs to you,
Aeylah

The beginning of this is just how my last encounter with my first spath went. I had been with him on and off for 18 years. We both went to counseling for 2 years and he still had anger issues. He was sober for 2 years. After I said I couldn’t marry him when he proposed until he got his anger under control things started escalating agains so I ended it.

5 months later a knock at the door at about 10:30pm and I opened it as we had no bad words with each other. Little did I know.

This movie was me give or take more or less. I ended up with 32 stiches in a knife wound. This was in 1996 and I really understand how it was for her.

A year later after much time of not healing, living in fear and being stalked and harrassed by him I met the father of my child at a softball game. He was worse than the spath I knew. I thought I was smart and wouldn’t let my heart get involved and let him go at the first sign of trouble (3months). It’s 14 years later and he hasn’t let me go. My life has been one nightmare after another with sprinkles of goodness.

The word must get out as it wasn’t until I was over 30 years old that I understood/accepted some people are just bad, mean, evil.

This movie didn’t make me cry but tears were rolling down my face. No emotion except my heart beating fast……hhmm

Eralyn

wow, Eralyn, me too. I had tears rolling down my face but I wasn’t crying, if that makes sense.

Dodged another bullet — I just couldn’t take the way Jeremy Torrie does business (if this guy really is Jeremy Torrie). He was coming into my city today to film me for a documentary he was making. So many red flags it became hard to keep track.

I May as well just give it up first so I don’t spend another minute wondering if this guy is for real. After 24 hours with no contact I finally emailed him this morning and asked him to confirm his arrival. I also called his hotel to see if there is a reservation for Jeremy…there is. And, he emailed me back to say he was on schedule.

I could have spent a lot of money on facial, hair, nails today to look good for the “documentary” but decided Jeremy was not worth another minute of my time. After once again refusing to give me his cell number I wrote him this:

“Over and out…

Sorry Jeremy; Can’t play cat and mouse anymore. Only phone # I have for you is out of service…I see nothing in google about this production, you don’t have a film crew…red flags all over the map although I did check and see you have a room at the Grand. Strange again because you seem so tight about money.

One phone call could have prevented my cancellation – you are far too evasive for my taste.

It’s not the way I do business and every fibre in my bones says I’m wasting my time.

Good luck in your film.”

Did I do the right thing? Who knows and who cares; the point is I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat wondering if this film producer was for real or not. I made appointments to spend my money to try to look my best for the filming…for what? I can’t spend another MINUTE wondering if this guy is a sociopath (remember, he had not read my book…only heard my radio interview based out of California).

Just learning how to trust my own instincts and if I am wrong and this guy is the real deal…my bad; but at least I don’t have to work with an evasive guy who refused to give me any information about himself other than his email address.

*sigh*

YOU SURE DID DODGE A BULLET! That was GREAT OF YOU TO SEE THE RED FLAGS! You go girl! That kinda sorta same thing happened to me some years ago….but I brought my momma to the “filming” Funny how he wasn’t there. And mom thought it weird that he was in an empty apt. (I got down on my stomache to look in under the door to this apt. where the filming wass wupposedly at) Thank g-d for my mother then.

nothing but sunlight in the apt. Then this lady neighbor opened the door said other women have come also knocking at the same door. Nobody there….I was this dancer then …all I can say is thank god I was spared! Creepy and shame on me for thinking I was special that he “picked” me!
This movie is like all the men I’ve dated or lived with….I just don’t date or do anyof that anymore…just not for me. Plus something is wrong for me to keep picking such disordered men. I’VE HAD IT and I’m 51yrs.old

This was a triggering film to watch. My ex Spath never beat me to the point that this poor young lady was beaten to, but he was physically abusive, especially during my pregnancy with our child. And then I did experience traumatic violence from my parents in childhood. I don’t regret watching it and I think the portrayal of re-experiencing the violence and fear via PTSD flashbacks is spot on.

My ex Spath has admitted to being responsible for the disappearance of a man in 1997. His reason for murdering this man was because the man disrespected him, by attempting to have sex with his then girlfriend. No regard for the well being of the girlfriend, mind you. Just rage that the man in question knew it was his girlfriend and made a move on her. I can only imagine what he is capable of doing to me for “taking away” his child via supervised visitation, and then our subsesquent out of state move. I know he is capable of killing, and I know that I have given him more than enough reason in his twisted way of thinking. My car had already been keyed twice since he was released from prison and I had been granted sole custody (physical and legal) of my daughter. And he was stalking me without directly violating the restraining order. He was talking about his plans to take me to court for more visitation, including over nights.

He once told me he was afraid of his children calling another man Daddy. I didn’t catch it at the time, but it was all about his ego. He didn’t say “I am afraid of my children growing up without a father.”

I know that I am fortunate to have escaped him. I have no question in my mind that he would try to harm me if given the opportunity. Or hurt my daughter to punish me. No doubt.

Thank heaven’s for your response, hairellen…I’ve been allowing this to bother me all morning (btw, he never responded to my “over and out” email). The truth is I could have allowed my ego to get in the way of reality because it is such a flattering idea that someone would want to have ME in their documentary about psychopaths.

But I really know better deep inside that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

When I told him last week I had my reservations about his film and websites he said, “oh, I’m safe…I have a wife and 3 kids.” Really? So did my ppath father. I didn’t say that to him, but it’s true. And I never like people to use their family as a means to gaining credibility. Come on! Anyone can father a child or manipulate someone to marry them.

I just can’t afford to be a “survivor” of spaths anymore. I am 52 and just now getting with the program…the right program. Thanks again for sharing your story… I am so glad I ended this story before it really cost me. Emotionally or financially.

Step by step, one by one, I will keep dodging these bullets until they stop coming my way. And after each event I will grow just a little bit more in knowing that I am okay. Sociopaths are not.

Funny, (not really), my ppath father is the one who told me to never give people bullets to shoot me with.

He would know.

(((HUGS))))

LPM… I grew up with both parents spath. My dad made my mother eat raw eggs; he put a gun to my head at age 2 to threaten her and “beat her to a pulp” before being diagnosed as a ppath and then subsequent divorce.

Unfortunately my mother was the one who told me all of these horrible stories since I can remember (to punish me for being his child, I think).

I couldn’t watch the video for fear of a PTSD attack but I’m reading the comments. My heart goes out to you Sharon.

Can’t write in here anymore…he is in the room.

Speaking_up, I am a mother of two by a psychopath. I do not believe your mother told you these stories to punish you for being his child. I could be wrong but she had or has PTSD too. Victims can be confused and make very wrong choices.

I kept his evil serets from my children for 40 years but it finally had to come out. I had a breakdown when he took my daugter and grandchildren…she was vulnerable because I did not tell her. I love my children and I thought I was protecting them by keeping quiet. But all I was doing is protecting him.

So was your mother right or was I? There is no good legal solution to protect children from a psychopath parent. And when we try we end up being blamed as being psychopaths ourselves.

Gad…I’m getting so paranoid…After the way today’s events unfolded I have no doubt my “film director” found me in here…

I’m not giving any more attention.

I love this group more than I fear ppaths.

betsybugs…I had to respond. Yes, my mother is either a malignant narcissist or ppath herself. Dr. Leedom (a psychiatrist who writes articles for Lovefraud) did an analysis of my book and she is the first who coined the idea my mother may not have “just been a MN” and was also a ppath, although she never went to jail.

OMG…best not compare yourself to my mother. Please.

My book is called Evil Eyes because my mother told me (directly, furiously, and in my face since I was too young to remember) that I have the same “Evil Eyes” as my father. When my son was born in 1978 she said he too had these “Evil Eyes” and when his son, my grandson, was born in 1998…guess what? She calmed down quite a bit and simply said, “He has Ivan’s eyes.”

I could do the math.

My mother had no shame, no empathy, no regard for my feelings at all, and never did. She was a spoilt brat as a child, and she carried with her a sense of entitlement that matched no other person I know. Not to mention her projection onto me all of her “evil thoughts” and telling me it is I who had this kind of thinking. She acted as my mind reader until she died.

Finally, she cut me out of her life when I was no longer good supply, and cut me out of her will. All while she was dying of lung cancer and I only wanted to be there for her – in spite of her constant cruelty toward me, my children, grandchildren, and siblings.

I wholly understand your position…and know the dilemma you had about not trying to poison your children against your phusband. My stepmother, Sunny, I called her in my book…was the light of my life after I turned 16 and moved in with her and my pfather.

After all the damage was done and she finally left my pfather in 1982 or so, she didn’t want to poison her kids, my siblings like my mother did; and so never said a bad word about him in front of them. However, too late, the kids knew already by what they had witnessed (see above video – I am sure it is exactly what she went through with my father).

These siblings were furious with me for tending to my father when he was dying. Don’t blame them…we all react differently in certain situations. My pfather left the home when I was 4 or 5 so I do not remember his abuse. I have no doubt he was a crazy man as pmother said. I did get to know him in his last 7 years. I far prefer his abuse to my mother’s kind.

I couldn’t let a guy on skid row whom I don’t know die alone, let alone the guy who is responsible for my “beautiful eyes.”

P’s may not be able to love or feel empathy…but we can. I am now very careful around them…won’t be supply anymore…but I do miss the spaths – even my mother.

Thanks for sharing that with me. And again, your situation is far far different than mine and I have no doubt you are a wonderful, loving mother.

SPEAKING UP,

Please contact me off the blog at oxdrover 1946 at gmail dot com ASAP. I am also supposed to be interviewed by this guy for the documentary film he is supposedly making. I want to talk to you more about this guy. There is a very good reason why I WANT to be interviewed by him if there is indeed a film to be made but I want to talk to you more about your experience with him.

Some PhDs on Aftermath have recommended this guy and confirmed he did indeed interview Bob Hare and others of the “legitimate” researchers on psychopathy.

I know another person who also had a poor experience about his way of doing business. Thanx a lot.

omg Oxy how creepy.

omg Oxy how creepy.

Yea, Donna e mailed me this morning to bring Speaking out’s post to my attention. I haven’t been oon the blog as much as usual because of my recent leg surgery but that WAS creepy that he is interviewing others that are “connected” in the survivor community.

Thanks Donna for passing along the information to Ox.

I decided to go ahead and watch the video. I had conjured up such a horrible version that the actual video didn’t trigger me as much as I thought it might. I didn’t like the sounds — they were very powerful.

Good luck Ox…let me know how it unfolds okay?

Super great we keep each other informed about others in the community.

Speaking up, I think it is important that we net-work and also get the word out.

I can’t remember now but some famous person once said “I don’t care what they say about me as long as my name is in the papers” and I think sometimes that is true about any “cause”

Psychopathy functions better in the dark than in the light of day. EVIL functions better in the dark than in the light. It is important that we focus the BRIGHT LIGHT of awareness of psychopathy on what is and what is not “psychopathy”

EVIL is a “concept” but it has a “range” of consequences from a stolen pencil to WWII…and everything in between. Not all psychopaths (or evil people) are killers, and not all killers are Charlie Manson, and not all serial killers are Hitler….but the “concept” of EVIL can be observed in all of those ranges.

We must point out to others what we have experienced as evil and psychopathic victimization. We must stand up and say “NO MORE!” We must teach young women and young men to set boundaries and not allow abuse, not to laugh at abuse (in any form) and to have a moral compass and use it. That’s a big job and one that has been failed by human kind since the Garden of Eden and since Cain killed his brother. Doesn’t mean we don’t need to continue the fight though just because some people (most people?) either sit idly by or don’t see what evil/psychopathic people do, or even actively encourage those who do evil

Glad you were able to watch the vid and not be triggered Speaking up. My country internet connection (slow and small) won’t allow me to watch videos. Maybe one day we will have DSL out here. It is within 2 miles or so of my door now, but not moving at all. LOL

Oxy,
you write some great articles and some awesome posts, but this one is one of the greatest. succinct, to the point and really describes what the problem is: the degrees of psychopathy.

When is “evil” really TOO evil? Is it the stolen pencil or the murder?
Is it coveting thy neighbors goods or their spouse? Envy is envy. there is no difference, it’s unfortunate that we are taught otherwise, since envy is a slippery slope. Furthermore, it’s contagious.

Yeah, it is all about shining the light on the evil. My good sis and my parents think it’s ok to be “polite” to the spaths in our family. It’s not. It’s what gives them power: the fact that good people don’t want to be rude. NC is the only answer. Gray Rock is for when you have no choice.

“My good sis and my parents think it’s ok to be “polite” to the spaths in our family. It’s not. It’s what gives them power: the fact that good people don’t want to be rude. NC is the only answer. Gray Rock is for when you have no choice. ”

YUP…….so true!
If more folks called BS on the spaths, they’d have nowhere to hide.
My parents have the same problem. Nobody wants to be ‘rude’.

Donna, thank you for posting this film, and I want to thank the courageous woman who put it together.

The second exspath wasn’t physically abusive, but the first one was. He never hit me in my face – he was very cautious about where to leave bruises, and the spousal rape…..well, let’s just say that the area where I lived may have had “laws” against spousal rape, but it wasn’t necessarily recognized as a serious crime.

Triggers. Yes. But, they are truthful – we should feel apalled, shocked, horrified, disturbed, and unsettled about domestic violence and abuse. We should.

Thank you, again, for posting this and I’m off to post it everywhere that I can where women (and, men) might recognize where they’re heading.

Brightest blessings

Erin and Sky,

You know it IS IMPORTANT for us to have a bit of diplomatic manners so that society can function…but Erin is right when she says we must call BS on these people who are doing evil things.

I don’t mean that we should go around “pointing out” every person’s faults like some sort of Puritanical morals police, but at the same time, we must not associate with people who are dishonest, abusers and there ARE times we need to openly confront the evil doer, or warn the potential victim.

I know we have discussed ad nauseum here the duty, if any, to warn the psychopath’s next victim. I was warned once about a man we engaged in business with and I did NOT listen and he screwed us royally! I was also warned about a woman who was “romancing” me to hire me, and I wanted the job and the pay and I didn’t listen….she abused me like she had abused all of her other employees, but fortunately I was in a position that I gave 2 weeks notice the next day and was GONE and refused to discuss it any more with her. I’m proud of myself on that one when I finally SAW what was going on, but if I had listened to the warnings both times I would have been much better off.

I have also warned people…who didn’t listen. I warned my egg donor literally on my knees and she didn’t listen and she got scammed. I warned my son C not to marry the woman who eventually tried to kill him….so I’ve never had any success in either warning others or in listening to warnings myself.

What I am though is no longer “being polite” to people who steal from me and abuse me and abuse others. I’m not sure it makes a difference to anyone but me…but I have been called “a prophet” once the others did get it after they were shafted. LOL

OxD, precisely. Being “polite” can rapidly turn into “tolerance” which then heads into being victimized. I’m DONE with being “polite,” especially when someone’s behavior is off the rails.

Calling people to the mat when they’re behaving in pasive/aggressive manners is the first step. If I ask someone if they’d like my help and they answer with, “If you want….” my immediate response will be (without fail), “Well, I don’t ‘want,’ but I made the offer.” Then, I’ll walk away knowing that I spoke truthfully and honestly without allowing someone to wipe their feet on my good intentions.

Yeah….kind of a fine line between being polite and being a doormat, and I’m not far enough in my healing to know the differences.

Brightest blessings

This movie was a major trigger as it starts out the very way my long term spath relationship (first love?) ended and with one of the most physically abusive attacks.

I am struggling with terrible humiliation regarding having a long relationship on and off for 18 years which had domestic violence over the years along with much crazy other abuses. Then when I finally get out of the first “love” of my lifes clutches, when I dare to breathe in the direction of another man, I allow myself to have a fling and become pregnant! He ends up being the lowest of lows and the more I learned the more I was disgusted. I thought I wouldn’t/couldn’t get hurt because everything was on the up and up and we were open about a “non-committed relationship” but I probably was the only one honest and believing from my mind things could go ok like that as that was where I was in life and had been hurt terribly from the past so wasn’t ready to engage my heart. All that did wa give him weapons to destroy me with. Then came the holes in the “responible” condom used. He’s good looking to others and not at all to me anymore as I see a monster.

I think there should be more awareness of the repetitive nature of these monsters sliming certain people. I have heard it said but people know even less about that than they do about psychopathy and sociopathy.

I withhold the previous spath info when speaking of my court case as the father of my child spath is so horrible and so abusive, the thought of then explaining “no he’s not first guy, first abuser of me, the same guy you heard I was with forever. He’s a different sicko.” Just makes me want to crawl away and hide as I don’t feel anyone would see me as the “business owner, honorable citizen, good mother” that I was before they knew. This is a whole other truth I live with and here on lovefraud, at least I know we understand more likely we have had them peppered throughout our lives even though some may be blindsided once and it’s enough.

It really does a number on me and I believe I truley admire people who have the guts to call the duck a duck. Embarrassment and shame may be a big reason people can’t admit it.

Truthy, when we first start to stand up for ourselves and set boundaries, sometimes we over react and become “cranky” (I know I have been there) but as I have said here many times, when my P “friend” (a woman) was caught CAUGHT RED HANDED BY ME stealing from me, I cried for 3 days worried I had HUMILIATED HER! LOL ROTFLMAO I finally set boundaries with this woman and her P husband who worked as an abusive TEAM like two wolves preying on others.

Eralyn,

The REPEAT victimization is very very VERY common, and you are not to be despised because of it.

When we are first abused we think about THEM, how we can get them to quit abusing us. Then when we DO get away from them we don’t realize that WE have some growth to do, and we are easy victims for the next path that comes along pretending to be sooooo sweet and LOVE BOMBING US.

The healing starts out about learning what THEY are and then becomes about HEALING OURSELVES of the lack of boundaries (among other things) that we fall prey to.

I have also been repeatedly victimized by a SERIES of psychopaths, starting at birth and going on until I was 60 years old and finally said ENOUGH! EVen now, my spath son stalks me from inside his prison cell and I still have to fear him either getting out and coming to get me, or sending another Trojan Horse crony out to find and kill me to enrich himself from our family “estate”—and no, we are not wealthy beyond your dreams, we simply have 120 acres of farm land and 3 houses perched on it. In fact, I live on Social security and small savings, made much smaller by having to hire attorneys to protest my son’s paroles every few years, and having had to buy an RV to live in when we had to leave my home before the arrest of the man my son sent to kill me.

So don’t beat yourself up for being a “repeat” victim. In the future you will be more cautious and keep yourself safer.

my ex never touched me from the neck up. I was unable to swallow for a week after being choked. Went to the ER with a torn meniscus when I picked up the phone in the middle of the night and he twisted my arm behind my back where I thought he’d tear it right out of the socket and threw me against the wall. Beat the door down to the bedroom to emotionally demean me, degrade me with weird sex and frighten my children who already went through hell. I’d say the emotional abuse was the worst.
The “colleges” college strippers, and desperate housewives call him this very, very nice military man (with the mansion and the high end Benz) while I still have panic attacks and looked over my shoulder for years, locking myself up in my home, in my car, for fear he might want to finish the job.
Yes, he goes to church, deflects his shamelessness on me for which I have to get punished. He occasionally (between affairs) texts me that he loves me and that he prays for me and my family.
Barf, barf.

OxD, I know that I come off “cranky” at times, and I have to sort that out. I think that I held myself pretty well when I told the colleague’s g/f that I was leaving, that day, and she responded by asking me what I’d done to my hair because it “looks nice.” I simply answered in one syllable, “No,” and went on to express my appreciation for their hospitality. What I REALLY wanted to do was to jump up and scream in her face that I could see what she was doing, and I’m pleased to be leaving her environment, even if it was to enter into a cardboard box! LOL

Eralyn, have you involved yourself in some strong counseling, yet? I’ve been married to 2 spaths, and I’m a vociferous advocate of counseling with someone that “gets it.” Without counseling therapy, I wouldn’t have learned how to managed the aftermath of my experiences, or to identify where my issues began. I have a lot of work to do to heal myself and construct high, thick, and strong boundaries to avoid being victimized, again.

Somebodysdream, how is it that he has your contact information to text you, still? Even if you’re not responding to his text messages, it’s still a type of “contact” and does nothing but hinder your personal healing. Not to sound harsh – I don’t intend to come of as being harsh, but I would block his number quicker than the blink of an eye.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak,

After I returned home to my farm,, EMOTIONALLY I still could not move into my house. I parked my RV next to the house and hooked up the electric but I stayed in the RV instead of moving back into the house. My son D moved back into his old room.

I also allowed some people that I knew were toxic (I now know they were both psychopaths!) to move on the the farm in their RV motor home (they had lost their regular home through financial mismanagement) just before I got home. So they were already set up here when I got home.

Stupid thing was, I THOUGHT without ever checking with him, that son D was okay with it, but he wasn’t and we didnt talk about it, I just allowed them to move in and he “went along” without saying anything about his own misgivings.

LIFE LESSON HERE: Communicate with those nearest you about things that you plan to do that effect both of you. BEFORE YOU DO IT.

Six months went by and I am still living in the RV, strangely uncomfortable going into the house. However the “friends” have no had such discomfort and the woman of the pair is using the bathroom in the house and the kitchen in the house and they are FILTHY SLIMED.

I got up my courage to ask her to clean them and she replied “well, you know what a slob I am, ha ha”

Then their two pit bulls have begun to “get loose” and roam the farm threatening animals, including my own little Jack Russell terrier….so I have a talk with them YOU WILL KEEP UP YOUR DOGS ON CHAINS IF THEY ARE OUTSIDE AT ALL TIMES.

Next episode of their dogs loose….I open the RV door to let the little dog out (loose) to go pee and there are the two big dogs, brisltling and just waiting for him to emerge. If I had not been QUICK to get his collar before the door got all the way open, he would have flown out iinto their jaws and to his death. I tell them that if their dogs are found loose on the farm again, I will shoot them. The man says “YOU CAN’T SHOOT MY DOGS!” And I replied, “well, then keep them up where other animals are safe, where MY animals are safe. OR ELSE.” That was the end of them “getting loose”

Then one night I hear a noise and open the door of the RV to see the woman sneaking away from my food freezer with a large sack of meat and vegetables.

Now I would have given her all the meat and vegetables that she wanted or needed, I had plenty. I am blessed with an abundance of home grown meat, and in fact, the summer before when one of my Great White Pyreneese dogs was sick from the heat I fed her on CHOICE meat, cooked to her pleasure…probably 300+ pounds of this meat because otherwise the dog which was ill wouldn’t eat. We lost her that fall. So meat was no problem, the woman could have had all she asked for. YET she stole.

I saw her in the porch light and she knew I saw her and she mumbled and left.

I cried for 3 days because I might have HUMILIATED HER….then I talked to my son D about setting boundaries with the couple.

I locked the freezer. Then when the 3 days were up andn I had finally talked to D about his feelings about them, he had never wanted them back on the place, I walked down to their RV one bright morning and said “I think we need to talk” and then I said “This just isn’t working out I think you guys are going to need to park somewhere else. I will give you two or three weeks to find another spot.” Then I got up and left. They didn’t ask “Why” or anything else, they just said “OK”

Then eventually we moved the MOUNTAIN OF JUNK they had parked here off our place into an old shed that is on the exterior of the farm so that they could come get their stuff without ever coming on the farm itself again. Before we had moved their stuff off, she would attempt to come here when we weren’t home (or she thought we weren’t and we caught her)

She and he have eventually divorced and gone their separate psychopathic ways, both exposing themselves as what they are to ALL of the many good people they had conned.

I admit I loved both of these people, my husband loved them, and my son D had loved them since he was a little kid….looked up to the man like a god…looked at the woman like another mother. He and I were both EMOTIONALLY devastated by the betrayals.

The thing is though, that these loses, these emotional betrayals, and the thefts of our “stuff” can have lessons for us, and this woman and her husband were the catalyst for the lessons for me of SETTING BOUNDARIES. Standing up to those you “love” and saying, “I love you, but I will NOT ALLOW you to abuse me”

OxD, what a great post. It is all about learning how to set and maintain boundaries, and I’ve never had them for my entire life. Now, it’s an odd feeling to disallow behaviors because I always felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness or well-being. I’m learning about what I have control over and what I don’t. And, the only thing over which I have any control is me, my choices, and my actions.

Very good post, and thank you.

Brightest blessings

Dear Truthy,

The worst part was I THOUGHT I KNEW HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES, but I only could set them with others I was not EMOTIONALLY involved with (friends and family) I HAD BOUNDARIES with co-workers, employees, employers, with patients, with clerks in a store, and folks I didn’t know well or closely….but with “friends” and family like you I WAS RESPOSIBLE FOR THEIR HAPPINESS AND MY HAPPINESS DIDN’T MATTER, I HAD TO KEEP THEM HAPPY AT ALL COSTS. If anyone in my family was unhappy It was MY FAULT.

When I TRIED to set boundaries in the family, like with Uncle MONSTER, my egg donor’s alcoholic brother who had beaten his wife and kids at gunpoint and also did that to my grandmother when she was 78 years old, holding her at gun point for 3 days, not letting her eat (she was diabetic) and threatening to pour boiling waater over her….I didn’t want anything to do with him after that. i.e. NOT HAVE CHRISTMAS DINNER WITH HIM LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED…EVERY year at Christmas egg donor would start in oh how I was RUINING HER CHRISTMAS by refusing to have Xmas dinner with Uncle moonster at her house.

I asked her once when we were both crying, “what about MY Christmas being ruined by him?” She never answered. Of course I was not doing my Christian duty to “forgive” (i.e. pretend nothing had ever happened) so I was going to hell and she loved me so much she didn’t want me to go to hell for not forgiving. ya da yada!

Anyway, I would pack my kids up and we would go to California or Texas or some other state to have Christmas with friends rather than stay and have Xmas dinner at egg donor’s home with Uncle Monster.

Now, with uncle monster dead and gone (she has no other sibs) she has NO family for Christmas and she has to go to a friend’s house for Christmas or Thanksgiving cause there is no one to come to her house. Patrick is in prison, and son C and D and I are NC with her, her nephew and 2 nieces have their own families or places to go and so she is out of relatives to enjoy the holidays with. I’m sure she makes the most of the pity party about how abused and abandoned she is. LOL

But you know, I am NOT responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own, and I am not going to allow someone to treat me less well than I would or do treat them. I expect the SAME courtesy I give. That is a boundary.

OxD, that’s the bottom line: what we are responsible for is our own well-being, and nobody else’s. And, I’m going back to the “cranky” thing – I’m not rude about it. I’m just intolerant of it, anymore.

I know several people who claim that they’ll say what needs to be said, and they are harsh, rude, and most often cruel in their methods. They aren’t speaking truth – they are speaking their minds. And, often the words that come out of their mouths are utterly incongruous with their own actions. This is something else that I will not tolerate. If it’s “true,” then okay. If it’s simply spouting words that don’t apply, then it’s white noise.

I intend to have the best Holiday season of my life, this year. Not because of gifts, or anything else. Because I am free of the senseless need or compulsion to please everyone else. I’m fearful of the future, but I’m actually beginning to feel hopeful, as well. However I do it, I’m going to be okay. My son is going to be okay. And, we’re both going to learn independence from others, including one another. 🙂

At the moment, we’ll need to help each other along, but there will come a time when we both can fend for ourselves, independent of one another. That day will come, and it will be a bittersweet and hard-won victory for us both.

Brightest blessings

SOME: In your post you claimed; “I’d say the emotional abuse was the worst.”

I could not agree more. I have been physically, sexually and emotionally abused by my ppaths…I far prefer the first two to the emotional torture I endured by the ones who really know how to hurt with actions and words. The problem is it is easier to hide secrets with an emotional abuser…to talk things “away.” Unfortunately, sometimes words can cause an effect not unlike a cancer that grows and grows within the emotionally capable target.

I am left sick and sickly just thinking about all of my losses as a result of the shame and humiliation my parents put at my feet to pick up and carry for them.

I feel guilty for writing my book – and sometimes wonder if I did the right thing by putting my experiences to print – which seals the deal with all of my family.

I feel guilty for being a “speaking up” type of “supply” when the rest of my family think I should “just let things go” and not “rock the boat” as I have been known to do.

I am CONFIDENTLY finding my voice, finally…and by turning away the opportunity to be in a documentary and perhaps bring good attention to my book, I feel proud that I was able to tell this fellow, Jeremy Torrie, in an assertive, not passive aggressive or aggressive tone, that he had crossed my boundaries and I would not work with him – on the day he was suppose to arrive in my city. I had regained my own voice and set my boundaries in a manner that felt appropriate to me. And it is only me who can judge my actions now.

If I can really live with whatever I do, knowing it is the truth as I know it to be, then I have done what I am suppose to do, take care of myself first.

Thanks for bringing that point up; about emotional abuse.

I enjoyed everyone’s comments about triggers and boundaries as well…

(((hugs)))

Bob Dylan just brought out a new single from his new album with a quite ‘disturbing’ video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mns9VeRguys&feature=player_embedded

I like the video though. Basically it tells the story of a stalker who’s both stalking and trying to lovebomb his target every day with stolen roses. But it doesn’t end well for the stalker. She sprays him with pepper spray, he gets chased by cops for stealing the roses and during this chase he tries to get rid of them by making a ladder fall while he knows there’s someone standing on it. The ladder guy has a broken arm (and thereby probably loses his income), but the ‘hero’ of the clip shows no remorse whatsoever… just collateral damage to him. He still ends up caught and in jail, and when he’s released, already on his way back to his stalking stake out, he gets kidnapped by gangsters hired by the ladder guy and they break his knees, then throw him back on the street, where Bob Dylan passes and ignores the creep completely.

The interesting thing is that of course the stalker is a pretty boy, and he just seems to have an innocent crush and of course things befall him he could use for a pity play. Normally as music clips go the guy would get the girl, instead of being rejected and beaten up. The romantic lightning and cheerful song all fit that expected myth of romance. The clip though violates that romantic falsehood crudely, as it should… and with Dylan almost literally walking over the broken body of the creep on the street, it reveals that Dylan isn’t fooled by the pity play.

Darwinsmom, what an interesting insight. Bad begets bad begets bad…..harm begets harm begets harm.

I truly believe that karma has an often wry way of knocking at people’s doors and smacking them in their faces with a rotten salmon. Somehow, it all comes back full circle.

As with the ending of Sharon Wright’s video, the spath chooses their own demise. Oddly, this is something that the exspath used to pontificate about by saying, “We all choose the manner of our own deaths.” I often wondered why this was such an important topic for him, but it finally makes sense – he’s chosen a dark, dismal, and terrifying path, and Karma will tap on his shoulder, soon enough. I don’t need to know about it, and I don’t WANT to know when it comes back around to him. He’ll reap what he’s sown, and that’s just a simple fact.

The Universe requires a balance, I believe. I mean that I truly believe that everything within the Universe must maintain a balance. Stars and planetary systems are born and they die. Black holes suck in galactic matter and repurpose it to produce new galaxies, stars, and planets. Everything works in a chaotic balance, and I truly believe that this holds true with human actions and choices.

As for pity…..the end of Sharon’s abuser was still demanding pity, even as he bled out. Yes, we can feel badly for someone like that without feeling pity. I reserve “pity” for those whose experiences had nothing to do with their personal choices or actions. I can feel badly that someone has no soul, but I don’t pity them for it.

pffffffffffffffft………..(waving hand in the air) I’d step over the exspath in the same scenario.

Brightest blessings

I found it an empowering music video that rightfuly disturbs the typical marketing message we get bombarded with.

It does start off with that air of a commercial, especially with the cheery song… How often do commercials involve some pretty, model looking types meet each other and fall in a swoon over each other, because of the right alcohol drink, or perfume, or shaving tool being used in a matter of secs. This video uses that kind of theme bu reveals there’s nothing normal about it. If you have a guy waiting each day across your front door on the street to follow you around and try to catch your attention and even open the door of the car while you’re seated in it, then that ain’t romantic at all, but someone you defend yourself from with mace. If you’re a flower salesman where each entitled stalker thinks he can steal a rose from once a day, at some point you’ll have the cops waiting in hiding around the corner to catch him for it. And if you lose your means of income because some spath thought to use you in order to escape the consequences of his past actions, then yeah, you’d like to really hurt them.

The video shows that he’s been staking out and following her at least once before the first time we witness it being done the first time.

Another contrast that I liked is Dylan and his gang of misfits (including a guy dressed up like Gene Simons in his KISS outfit) with the stalker. The stalker LOOKS normal and handsome and trustworthy, whereas Dylan and his band of misfits LOOK like gangsters or creeps almost. But the real creep is the stalking spath, a piece of worthless shit.

Brilliant. What a good example of karma. I wonder what I did in my last life to deserve what I have endured in this one. If I could think of anything I can change, I change it…but sometimes I am just stumped.

Here is my reply to OX in regular inbox…to give you an idea:

“Yes, thank you for sharing that…it’s still hard to think about Trevor’s last two hours – especially since I was not able to be there for him. No one was as his wife went to a different hospital. It will be 10 years next May and I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. And how slow. My son was the only person in my family who had feelings like me…while my ex is likely not a spath he had very few feelings. He cried harder when a race car celebrity died than when Trevor died.

I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain the aircrash caused you. And I’m glad you are in the room. I am so very insecure…sometimes I read my posts immediately after I post and I seem so choppy.

I’m just getting my bearings back after my boyfriend of five years was found to have been molesting my granddaughter…my precious sweet who was my son’s and I should have been more vigilant in protecting her.

I’m getting smashed down pretty big from her mother’s side of the family…blaming me. I don’t blame them. However, when I found the c.d.s I took them to the police immediately and moved that weekend while he was away. He is in jail now, for 18 months. Are sexual molesters of children spaths? It would just figure.

What goes around comes around and around again it seems – at least in my life. I begged her maternal side for forgiveness and they wouldn’t give it to me. *tears* can’t talk about this right now… I feel all of the pain of my childhood back in full force at times. PTSD overcomes me. But, I will be okay…I just need to keep calling my granddaughter and sending her cards…one day she will be allowed to visit me in my city again, I’m sure.

Meanwhile I can go see her for a day or so…just no overnights. It’s hard because we live 3 to 4 hours away from each other. We went to the Pacific National Exhibition together while I was in Vancouver about 2 weeks ago and had a blast.

He wasn’t even my boyfriend anymore, but I shared his house and had two bedrooms on the other side of the home thinking everything was great. I had a man nearby and no obligations. Oh how wrong I was. Blind as a bat. Which is weird because usually I’m the first to suspect such perverts being a survivor myself.

That’s why my trust level is zero now. I just have no sense of judgement – so when Jeremy was playing this cat and mouse game I just stopped it in its’ track.

Did Jeremy give you his phone number? You would think after my complaints to him he would smarten up somewhat. He described himself as very poor…always hinting at money issues.”

(((hugs all)))

Darwinsmom,
brilliant insight on the video. You were right on. I read all the comments and nobody else understood that the dude was stalker and spath. That was disappointing.

But Dylan’s work was right on. the spath didn’t care about anything or anyone except his prey. He was so arrogant that he thought he could hurt anyone and get away.

It’s interesting to read the comments, most of all. People are as unaware as we used to be. It’s almost amazing now to look at how unaware these people are. I can’t believe I was just as ignorant as they are. I’m glad I woke up.

I’ve only watched the first video, the one explaining why she made the 2nd. I think my head is going to explode. I’m here alone, I’m not sure if that’s good or not. I’m going to wait to watch the 2nd until H gets home.

I’ve never said aloud what it was, what it’s been. Doubt I ever will. Or maybe I will. The Psy died instantly in a car crash in Feb. and I thought finally, FINALLY the nightmare’s over. But it isn’t. ??? We just got back from a visit with my daughter, and saw the Psy’s wife.

P’s wife & I had been having a conversation for the 2 years previous, because she was seriously considering divorce & didn’t want to be left with nothing, like I had.

And now she’s posting on FB how wonderful he was, how she misses him.

I’ve never said “who” he was except to touch on it to protect my daughter and she lived a lot of it, so she knows. It’s been toughest on her, she has to live with the fraud about how wonderful he was, at the same time loving him because he was her father.

I just want to scream. I don’t quite understand it, it’s over only it isn’t and I can’t “flush” it. He almost succeeded in killing me and I still live the scars, emotional & physical, but that was my fault, of course, if I hadn’t been the $&#$&* he wouldn’t have had to. No, I’m sure of that because his parents & brother TOLD me and they are gods, just ask them. (No, I do NOT still believe that. But that’s what I lived for 10 years, a month and 6 days. The abuse wasn’t just the P, it was the P’s family, and they still breathe.)

I don’t understand why he never touched the 2nd wife but she got the horrible psychological abuse. And now she treats him like a saint??? I know that she isn’t living the truth; I know this because she is enjoying life finally, doing everything she wanted to and he wouldn’t let her, so it’s all a fraud. I know this. If she would ever admit it, she’s glad he’s dead, too, because she got everything & she wouldn’t have, had he lived to divorce. So it’s all fraud and I’m expected to smile & praise a worthless human being who sprang from the devil’s loins. And I won’t do it, but I can’t flush it. Makes no sense.

I HATE HIM. More, I hate what he did and how I can’t EVER scour the filth from my life. Most, I HATE how he has been canonized, and for what??? DYING??? Well, OK, probably the best thing he ever did, aside from providing sperm for my daughter.

I’m sorry, I know it doesn’t make sense, for some reason I finally need to SAY IT. I’m sorry.

Dear Ten years,

Her canonizing him now is her attempt to put a “good face” on her marriage, but believe me, he did NOT treat her well…and actually, what other people think about him DOES NOT HURT YOU UNLESS YOU LET IT.

You cannot control what others think, say or do….or believe. Only what YOU believe, and think.

You KNOW the truth, he emotionally abused her, and she did not live a happy ever after life with him and even if she did get the bulk of the $$$, believe me MONEY WILL NOT BUY HAPPINESS, CONTENTMENT OR PEACE.

Yes, you hate him, and you have every right to do so….but I do ask if you think that this feeling you are having right now is beneficial to you or not?

BTW, you are NOT expected to smile and praise his worthless ass, just SMILE and let them WONDER WHAT YOU ARE THINKING! LOL (((hugs))))

When I watched this it was like watching what happened to me…the final straw that made me leave. The words he said…the same and the violence out of nowhere. It’s left me shaking and nervous. You’re never the same…never. In truth the scenario makes me scared as my DVO ends in a month and I have been frightened about the knock at the door but can’t do anything until there is. I hope it never eventuates but the fear is always there. It never leaves despite my determination to live my life the way I want.

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