I wrote an article not long ago about settling on a name for the personality disorder that we spend our time here talking about. I suggested using “sociopath” as a general term for exploitative people. Many of us have taken to shortening this term to “spath.”
Well, a Lovefraud reader “Justdreamin” informs us that “spath” is taken. She saw it on a flower pot, and sent us the photos.
It turns out that “spath” is a shortened version of “spathiphyllum,” which is the botanical name for the peace lilly, a common houseplant.
We might have to come up with a new name. If I were a beautiful peace lily, I wouldn’t want to share a name with the nasty predators.
hens
Shabby – I have the same feeling about ‘anxious to get home’.. of course my three wiener kids are always happy too see me and there are always things that need to be done, yes I isolate myself at home but i dont have a problem with that anymore, I would rather be home than anywhere. I dont even feel lonely that much anymore. I find the ‘real world’ to be a rat race, to hectic for me. I occasionally make myself go out to the clubs to see what I am not missing. There is nothing wrong with being who we are, at the same time I am glad your getting out there and doing things……so just be and dont analyze yourself too much….
hens
Petite When a man says’ I love you but i am not IN love with you’ he is leaving himself an out. He want’s the benifits of loving you but not the comitment of being IN love. That is also a form of control, making you squirm and wonder what is wrong with you that he is not IN love with you… Thats all fine and dandy if your cool with it, but he is just playin with your mind…and enjoying seeing you struggle with your feelings…
petite
Thanks Oxy, Hens, Star,
he has not said these words to me, I was reading them here and was wondering what it meant in their illogical brain. Hens – what you said makes sense – most of the time I have read it is when the S and P are in the devalue stage and not in the lovebomb stage. I think it is just a way to suck you back to his games and become flexible and mouldable to be abused by him.
Oxy – how do I hande the waxing and waning pangs for missing him and when my mind goes thinking about how he is giving so much attention to the new target. I know he is a fake, but I stilll go into those phases.
petite
KatyDid
I think Petite was trying to bargain with herself, that since he didn’t say, “Im not IN love”, must mean he does feel love for her. But what she fails to ingest is that NOTHING he says is reliable, ALL is a scam. He needs Petite to create an image b/c he lost his reputation with his previous behavior in his marriage.
(my husband used to say he wasn’t being unfaithful b/c THEY came on to HIM. He’d tell the women he was married and blamed them for what he “went along with” b/c they pushed him into it. By my husband’s standards, Petite would be the aggressor and he the protesting defenseless used sex object. Isn’t that lovely logic?!)
Ana
Hello,
When the spath lived in the apt. above us in a two apt. place, I refused to go home unless my husband was there. I was too afraid to be there by myself with her upstairs. I knew she could kick my butt, but my husband said I could out run her any day of the week! I never took the chance.
Even now when I go out, I look around to see if she is lurking, although I’m not afraid to go the the store by myself like I used to be. Now I think I could grey rock her if she appeared before me…I hope so.
I think I worked on a spath today. Older man with eyes that looked like he was wearing eye liner, but wasn’t. He said his uncle had dementia and “when the mask comes off, the real person comes out” Ugh!! But he said that he takes xtra strength vicoden from Dr. for back surgery. He can’t take it at night cause he hallucinates he is fighting demons and throws punches. I couldn’t WAIT for that hour to be up. He was creepy and odd.
Hens, the moon is HUGE!
hens
Petite I did the same thing.. I just knew he was head over heels, but heels over head is what they are all about, he wasnt any happier with the new target than with me, and he is now on his 3rd or 4th target, my X just needs a main target to provide home and security ‘but he/they are always lookin for targets too throw their darts at…..what your feelin is normal – it’s not him you miss but the act he played….and the promise of the illusion he created to fit his needs…we give them all the info they need to write the screen play and they win an oscar, then they need a new screen play, the excitement of chasing that next oscar, power hungry actors…
Stargazer
I think that when a guy tells you he loves you but he is not in love with you, it means just that. From my experience, unless a guy is a pathological liar, they just say what they mean usually. I dated a very sweet guy once for 6 months, who, when pressed, would say he loved me but he wasn’t “in love” with me. I took it to mean I wasn’t “the one”, and eventually I left him to find “the one”, since it wasn’t me. I know it hurt him when I broke up with him. He did have feelings but may not have been ready for a mature relationship. I don’t think he ever had any intention of hurting me. He was just being honest because I asked him. I didn’t leave him solely because he wasn’t in love with me. He only wanted to get together every two or three weeks on the weekend, and that wasn’t enough for me. When we were together, he always treated me like a queen. In fact, he was probably the kindest and most considerate man I’ve ever dated. And I don’t think he was seeing anyone else at the time.
Truthfully, I don’t even know if I was “in love” with him or even what “in love” really means. Words are cheap in my book. I look for actions.
Of course when you’re dealing with a sociopath, all bets are off. Their words don’t really mean anything.
hens
fwb is the new phrase these days – or let’s screw and not get attached. I guess if they are up front and honest about it that makes it ok…is this what the world is coming too? so why do we long for something more and settle for less?
Ox Drover
Petite,
Sugar, the waxing and waning is NORMAL and you will go through that for a while…it is part of the “bargaining” phase of the grief, the letting go of the fantasy you had dreamed up that you and he were going to have….it is a loss….just as if it was real, but it was only real on your end, not on his.
Just keep on being strong, and the pain will pass and eventually stay gone. When you start to feel it, just tell yourself the TRUTH, that he is a LIAR, HE IS THE LIE, YOU ONLY LOST YOUR VISION OF WHAT HE WAS, BECAUSE HE IS NOT THAT MAN, AND NEVER WAS. (((hugs))))
hens
katydid – spath’s rationalize and justify everything –
Ana where are you? the moon isnt here yet.