A spath behind every bush

Good Evening everyone!

I thought I would take the time to stay away from the blog for a day or two and ponder and reflect a bit before coming here to say my thank you’s to you all….to take some time to make some connections to those that I’ve neglected in my “real” life, as a result of my spath, for many years, including my children and grandchildren…..

I know I”m not your favorite blogger. I speak from my heart, albeit from my very open heart on my sleeve at times…years of oppression,I think..not sure I regret it or not now…

Soooo anyway, in the last couple of days…….I’ve lost my therapist. He’s going onto greener pastures. I understand his reasons. They’re not invalid. Sometimes, those things happen, to open up doors to other possibilities and for him it was right. I understand that, even though I wondered now what would become of me….

How could my healing happen without someone who truly understands the disordered personality? Only God knows that one, but I trust HIM to lead me in the direction that is meant to go…which leads me to the reason I wanted to share this….God’s loving grace and intercession when necessary…there is always a way and sometimes it’s never what I expect….

I’ve met some incredible people here, a few who have become my friends OFF the blog…..and that’s healthier for me…I thrive on human connections…I hope to meet at least one that I’ve met off blog, soon in person…

So now I’m just rambling…

I’d like to share what has happened the last couple of days….

I decided that I would take time off from the blog and pay more attention to those that are real, up close and personal to me. Those who really know, those that I love, those I’ve neglected as a result of my ten year long relationshit with spath….

My foster parents blew into town unexpectedly for a visit with my foster sister yesterday.. ( there are three), and, as usual, when they come, Mom called and asked if I would come and have coffee with them…well usually I would avoid it because spath was gonna call or may want me as his stand by bitch….and even though my automatic, initial thought was to tell her no, I gave her a forced yes…I would be there…and I went…Ironically, at the time she called, I was already doing a “forced” visit with one of my foster sister’s (one of their children and one of my best bf’s for over thirty some odd years), in order to get out of my “zone” of isolation at home…..all of it felt forced, as if going through formalities…but the ACTIONS FELT GENUINE ONCE I DID IT!! Connecting to life again…

Going off on a tangent here,….anyway… while visiting my foster sis and just prior to Mom calling me, foster sis has a granddaughter that is just a doll, as well as a mini pen (dog) that loves to jump up on my lap and SIT on me the entire time I’m there….this time, I decided not to run after a cup of coffee, feeling as if all I was doing was appeasing those who loved me and really wanted to spend time with me…it wasn’t about spath anymore….it became about them too….about me…who did I really want to spend time with there, I didn’t HAVE to be there……….i realized, I wanted to be….so anyway, foster sis’s granddaughter came up and laid down on the couch,thus putting her head on my lap, along with a hyper mini pen who apparently could not get enough of me….

I stroked this child’s hair for a long time. She is only four now…love from a child. I could NOT resist…she is just precious…her spirit and such……..my foster sis, after seeing her dog behave as a judas, as well as her granddaughter said to me, “WELL??? And you wonder whether anyone loves YOU? Now I FEEL REJECTED! THEY DON”T DO THAT WITH JUST ANYONE!”

I was humbled………but I couldn’t help but think of my own beautiful granddaughter, whom I’d seen only once in the last few months…So foster Mom calls and says she and daddy are in town and to have coffee with them. Normally, I would decline, waiting on spath, depressed about spath or whatever about spath…this time, I agreed to go. They were running errands and would call me to meet them when they were finished and would be at Foster sis 2’s house….so I had to leave foster sis one’s house…and decided that I would pay a surprise visit to my daughter and grandchildren as they were only less than a mile from my foster parents……….

talk about joy…………immense, all consuming joy….my daughter’s bf (and baby daddy) was so shocked when he saw me at the door of their apartment, he about fell over “you could have called first! The place is a mess, come on in!!”

But the best of all, was my granddaughter and her lit up face. She bolted for me as if lightning on a thunderstorm filled day…I held onto her for the longest time….”GAMMA!! I LOVE YOU GAMMA!! LOOK WHAT I GOT!!”…so she had to show me everything she got for her birthday and Christmas lol…even though we got her some of those things…she was so excited and I was excited….so my daughter says to her “Wow, you’re so excited to see gamma aren’t you honey?” “Yes!” she said, “I’ve missed you gamma!”

My heart melted. completely. COMPLETELY. Then there was my beautiful grandson…and he walked with mama a few steps..he cried when he saw me at first lol! He doesn’t know me…….but he warmed up to me in a little bit and I held him on my lap and kissed and hugged him much…when he wasn’t on my lap, my granddaughter was…………

My heart was open like a Christmas turkey in a way that it had not been for five years since the birth of my granddaughter…I wanted to steal her and take her home right then and there…of course I didn’t, but I realized my heart was alive again…

He had not stolen what was precious to me. I thank GOD almighty for that. Even in the smallest of ways, my humor is coming back…I love to laugh, have joy, and I realized how much of that had been missing………..

It’s stuff I can’t get online.

I’ve met some incredibly wonderful, great friendships off this blog. Very few. I’m not likely to allow just anyone in my life anymore….but the ones that I have, have been profound for me……….they are kind, compassionate and intelligent…and the friendships will flourish….

I have decided NOT to post to LF anymore…at least for awhile..

I realized that the relationships outside of an online support are those I wish to pursue. That doesn’t mean I disagree with the online support that can be had here, and I’ve benefited from it in having you all support me, gray rock me, whatever …and sharing about this site with others and will continue to do so.

But the truth is that where it’s at for me is not online, but off.

GOd has been showing me a lot the last few days….people who love me and that I love that I’ve missed out in knowing the last few years, including those that would otherwise be close if I’d not had my head so far up ex spaths, or so far onto the internet for support and guidance….the real world is still the real world..and no one here is gonna face it for me………I have to do it on my own, in my own way, and Iwant to embrace those that are up close and personal, in the flesh…a voice, not just type…there was a therapist I saw once, while when struggling with isolation, told me, “LL!! YOU”RE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!”

She wasn’t wrong about that.

So having said that I owe you all a huge thank you for the input I’ve had, the feedback that has been frustrating and seemed, maybe to many of you to fall onto deaf ears, and yet still to others, well,.. water running off a duck’s back 🙂 But yet to others helpful, while also helping….hard to explain…

This site is critical for outreach as well as “inreach”….I’ve made good friends here. And that, to me, is a blessing…..

I’ll still read the articles here. I’ll continue to pray for those of you that are still struggling and jump up and down for those that are moving ahead….

Ox- Thank you. You were the first to respond to me. I respect you enormously for the pain you’ve lived through and the advice that you lovingly give here each day. I’m grateful.

Petitie- I’ve read your posts the last day or two. It will pass. I understand your vacillation. It’s “normal”. You’re a wonderful human being, a gifted professional who helps so many…someday, the right man will come along for you. I believe that. The jerk just isn’t it for you. NOt with all you have to offer. I think of you often. If it so happens that you arrive on my side of the Universe (oregon) for a visit, please give Donna your email to me. We owe each other a dinner out in victory 🙂

Katy- I have had issues with you, but I’ve also learned from you. thank you.

Skylar- Your wisdom is immense. You’ve helped me to look deeper into my own past/’childhood issues that played into my hook up with spath. Out of everyone on the board, I’ve learned from you most.

Kimmy, Aussie, Silver, Shabby, One—Wisdom, intelligence in spades. I’ve learned from you too…

Hens- I requested your email and Donna gave it to me via email as there was a time you were okay with that. The other day, I had this great pic of my son asleep with the wiener snuggled all tightly onto his chest. I almost sent it. But out of respect and what I feel is gray rock from you, I’ve not done that. I’ve learned a lot from you, being a gay man……..in ways that I hope will help my son avoid a spath in the future. It’s not a guarantee, but you taught me that it’s not just women who are immune. And you taught me that I have my own homophobias to deal with. I so appreciate that.

Star, Claudia- I appreciate and am honored by your friendships.

Donna, you’ve done an amazing thing in creating this blog.

Connections in love and support are made here everyday.

I have been enormously blessed by LF’s presence.

So now, it’s time to address my life off of this blog.

Time to move on.

Thank you SO MUCH for your support, care and compassion.

I get to have my granddaughter overnight this weekend. I can’t wait. When I saw her the other day, she immediately gave me a book to read to her…I”ll be digging out the books I use to read to my children when they were young…she loves to LEARN! …….

God bless you all and I wish you all the very VERY best!!!

LL