UPDATED FOR 2022: Suppose you successfully get rid of a sociopath and he or she leaves you alone. Then, after months of No Contact, he or she reaches out to you. The sociopath wants to begin again. What do you do?
Here’s an email exchange I once had with a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Alana.”
Alana wrote:
Donna, I came across ur website accidentally after I left a guy and was searching for some answers on whether he was abusive, I was left totally confused.
When I met him 4 years ago, he seemed so crazy about me and he would send me hundreds of texts per day and 10 phone calls, he wanted to see me every day. At first I felt suffocated I wanted to run in the other direction, but he kept telling me I’m the best thing ever and his words are so poetic, I thought wow, it’s so different cause this guy really is obsessed with me, he’s so different from the rest of them who want to play the field and take their time or never call back. My best friend said oh my god he’s obsessed with u, and he talks like this to u?! Ur never going to be able to leave.
But then he has an ugly side to him. He loses his temper on me, pressures me for sex, he was rigid about everything. He was also a control freak, over the years he broke up with me for going to the gym, having lunch with female friends, putting other things above him. I still thought it was all because he just cared about me so much, but then I found out he does whatever he likes and doesn’t tell me about. He punishes me for things he’s done himself. I got quite resentful.
I tried to leave him so many times. But I always end up going back to him cause he would chase me. He said I abandoned him every time I left; he’s threatened to kill himself several times. He also threatened to show my pictures to everyone else if I abandon him. After all these things failed, he started going to church, he became Mr. Wonderful overnight. I seriously don’t know what happened, but he seems to have changed, and he says he loves me and wants to make it up to me.
He still makes me cry, and he’s so indifferent because when I cry, he doesn’t stop yelling and he puts me on speaker and goes silent when I’m sobbing. Sometimes I feel he has no emotions unless they are his. He often smiles when I catch him in a lie too. It creeps me out totally.
We finally took a break. He actually honored his words and gave me a month to think. I didn’t want to go back after a month so I never contacted him again. Then he started writing me again, he told me how thankful he is to ever known me and I will always be number one in his heart, but for now space is best, and that he is really doing ok thanks to all I’ve taught him, and how I’ve made him such a good person.
Donna, what am I dealing with here? I’m so confused. I don’t want to judge him, but I’ve been so hurt idk who I’m dealing with anymore. Is it the guy who truly loves me or is it someone totally sick and manipulative?
I replied:
The guy is a sociopath. He is incapable of love, so I’m afraid he never loved you. It is all about control. He wants to control you.
Do not go back to him. In fact, do not have any contact with him at all. In order for you to recover, you need to stay away from him. they are experts at  reeling you back in if you give him the slightest opening.
Six months later, I received another email from Alana:
Hi Donna, as u can see I wrote u six months ago. Since then, I’ve cut off all contact. I blocked phone numbers through my phone company, I blocked every email address. I changed routines and routes, I quit one of my jobs so I’d never run into him. I don’t use social media, and I made myself to quit googling his. I’ve never looked.
I’ve kept no contact firm and steady for six months. And then, he wrote me from a newly created email address. He begged for my return, he said if I don’t respond then he’d be damaged forever by what I’m doing to him.
Of course I felt an enormous amount of guilt. I wrote back out of guilt and shame. But I said I don’t hate u, I just want to heal and I asked him to just leave it like this. He didn’t write me back. I have that sick feeling again. I hate myself for writing back out of sympathy.
I am still keeping no contact and moving past this set back. It’s the right choice, right?
I replied:
Yes. Please recognize that his “damaged forever” plea is just manipulation. His intention is to reel you in again. If you return, you will experience all of the atrocious behavior all over again. Commit to yourself again to No Contact. Do not respond, no matter what he says.
Do they return?
People often ask me, do sociopaths return? As this story illustrates, sometimes, unfortunately, they do. They wait for awhile, and then the sociopaths want to begin again.
In Alana’s case, the guy waited six months. I’ve heard of other cases in which the sociopath has been gone for years, and has turned up again.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath — It’s not love, it’s love fraud
Why? Why, when they seem to have finally gotten the message and disappeared, do they all of a sudden pop up?
The answer is simple. They were able to manipulate you before, so they’ll try to manipulate you again.
Sometimes the sociopaths are desperate perhaps their newest target has caught on to the scam, and has thrown them out. They need to find new supply, and fast.
Other times, the sociopaths are just trolling. They’re putting the hooks out to see if you will bite.
Sixth sense
Quite a few people have told me that just when they finally felt they were getting over the experience with a sociopath, just when they were starting to finally relax that’s when the sociopath initiated contact.
Sociopaths often seem to have a sixth sense about when you might be receptive to hearing from them.
In fact, some people actually felt they had recovered enough, and were strong enough, to be “friends” with the sociopath.
It didn’t work. Although the sociopaths stayed on good behavior for a while, sooner or later the lying, manipulation and abuse began again. The targets felt all the old pain and betrayal. Except this time it was worse, because the targets were also angry at themselves for opening the door and letting the sociopaths in.
And, their recovery was back at square one.
No Contact is forever
If you’ve been involved with a sociopath, once you get the person out of your life, make sure he or she stays out, even if the sociopath wants to begin again.
This may feel uncomfortable. You know how you would feel if someone turned their back on you, so you don’t want to do it to another person, even a sociopath.
Remember, sociopaths do not feel the way that you feel.
Alana wrote back out of “guilt and shame.” But I assure you, the sociopath did not experience any guilt or shame, no matter how badly he treated her. He knew that Alana is a nice woman, and tried to use that to his advantage with his claim that he would be “damaged forever.”
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Yeah, right. Had Alana let him proceed, he would soon be back to his old controlling ways. Even though she temporarily relapsed, I’m so glad Alana quickly recovered and went back to No Contact.
To protect yourself forever, remember this: No Contact is forever.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on May 18, 2015.
4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating
I am dealing with one who has returned after eight years! He sent an e-mail full of over-the-top flattery and just happened to drop the news that his girlfriend subsequent to me has become hard and brittle and is not so fun to be around. Since I am the number one person in his whole life he needs to know how I feel. He has sent me several links to torch songs which sing the blues.
How do I feel? I feel a lot better than eight years ago when he devalued and discarded me after taking everything from me including my money and my heart. I gave everything to this man, I am ashamed to say.
I will not make the same mistake again. I cannot forget how cruel he was. He told me once that it felt good to discharge his anger onto me. And discharge it he did. I will never forget the verbal tirades and punitive follow-ups if I disagreed with him.
I feel the magnetism but I know that I simply cannot let him back in. I am grateful for both therapy and Lovefraud for educating me about this type of person. It is still hard for me to understand how someone who professes to love you can, in reality, be so uncaring. I honestly don’t think he knows how self-deceptive he is.
Karleigh, gosh what a nightmare! Glad you know exactly who he is and how to follow the no contact rule. SHUT the door quickly on him so he never returns!
Best of luck to you 🙂
Dear Alana,
Remember you are not the only person he is contacting like this. Notice I didn’t say “probably”.
My long experience with persons with antisocial personality disorders has shown me that they always have astonishingly large numbers of “true” loves.
You know the saying “Talk is cheap?” In their case, this phrase becomes “Talk means absolutely nothing”.
You can find real love and remember real love is long term, nurturing, and most importantly makes you feel free, happy, and able to be your full self. Try to find that within yourself first and then you are more likely to attract like minded people.
In my case, my ex husband contacted many of his previous victims in front of me and spoke to them as though they were his friend. He told them he met me and was marrying me and it was as though he did so to let them know someone credible was marrying him and so they should now accept his credibility. None of them reacted in a positive way. They were all surprised to hear from him, acted in such a way as to make me believe they were not happy to hear from him and in fact they were scared to hear from him. Reading betwee the words: Hi This is Johnny. (Remember me, yes you do so don’t act like you don’t!) I just was wondering how you are? (Listen I am still around and I know how to reach you anytime.) I wanted to tell you that I met someone very nice and she is standing right next to me. (So don’t say anything wrong or I will come back and do you all over again.) We are getting married next month. (See what you are missing stupid bitch!?!) We are very happy together. (See there was something wrong with you which is why we are not together and I am the one who has someone who really loves me so much that we are getting married so there!) All right now take care. (If by any chance my wife to be calls you or speaks to you, you better follow the script and not say anything bad about me or tell her what I did to you or else…..) Throughout these calls I felt uncomfortable as though the women were sending me messages like “Run,run as fast as you can! You see they did not respond appropriately. There was no “Oh I am so happy for you!) or (OMG, good for you, you deserve it!) There was silence punctuated by more silence and then loud silence until he finished talking to them and then they said, “Right then, bye. He is calling to make sure that he maintains the control over your fear of him, the level of anxiety he can bring into your life is near surface and he can appear anytime and totally shake your world and topple you off balance no matter how much you think you are over him. He is back to take another sip from the fountain of whatever supply you gave him. Much like a pimp, the psychopath likes to feel that he has control of many women by dominating them emotionally and psychologically. I am sure that no one feels better after the psychopath calls them and tries to refamiliarize himself with them and what it was that they gave him or rather what it was that he took from them and was there any more of it. Run and don’t look back. You can save a snake’s life but it will still bite you. That is what snakes do.
The One That Got Away……..Not a Love Story.
Amen!
Stronginthecity
Alana,
I know this man.. not your man I’m sure.
Mine returned 7, yes 7 years later and I fell for it.
It did not take long for his bad behavior to return.
I am actually too exhausted emotionally and physically to even talk or think about it.
My heart goes out to you and good for you to find this site as I wish I had before the disordered individual came back around.
Please as Donna said, no contact is forever.
I struggle with it every day.
I took a few days off work and plan to take care of me, and not think about him and his pure evilness.
Stronginthecity
I have now tried out this “no contact” mathod for a while, and I really found out that it works! I feel stronger everyday that I know that she is expecting me to contact her in some way. The only problem is that she has kidnapped our small daughter to another country (far away), and I want to see my daughter as often as I can (and have the strength to, since my “wife” is the one with the computer, that I bought for her…).
This is a great dilemma, and a big frustration; I can assure you all that!
But, I found out that; at least I can break up her planned “schedule” about; “A good father should see his daughter every day (even though she has kidnapped her away from me…), and only go by my own instinct for when I have the time, and power, to see them and still be able to stay strong, loving to my daughter, and at the same time manipulated and harrassed by my so called “wife”…
Not an easy task… I can tell you that!
But, by choosing my own schedule for these web-cam “meetings”, I can at least chose to have them at the times when I feel strong enough to let her bullshit, buttonpushings, and manipulation attempts, run of me like water on a duck, so to speak.
The main thing is to treat her completely ice-cold (as she does to me and everyone else), and pretend that she is only a thing (which as most you already know by now, actually is the sad fact)…
Thanx again to you all for your important inputs!
Peace, love & harmony to y´all!
It’s been a full year of no contact after the second go round with the same disordered person who shattered my life 7 years prior with full discard.
The few days I took off in the post I wrote one year ago turned into a full medical leave for 8 months and then leaving my full time job.
I am still picking up the pieces financially and emotionally; learning and growing.
I still think about it from time to time but it’s finally fading from what he did to taking care of me.
I am working through the shame and guilt of taking him back after 7 years only to have him repeat the cruel process over again, only much worse.
He wanted to ruin me, and almost succeeded.
He is a very sick and dangerous man.
Going through this has finally put an end to a lifetime of these types.
He was the worst of all. There was no end to the cruel and deceitful behavior.
I am sure there are many more things that happened that I am not aware of but I don’t care to know anymore.
Bottom line, they do come back but it’s NEVER to proclaim their love for you, it’s to finish up – to finish you up.
I now live a very simple and peaceful life.
Stronginthecity
Life is strange. I came across Donna’s work some time ago and it was useful then and then I saw this today. The pandemic has made me implode and I worry the war might make things worse. Reading this made me think about the start. I agree the chase was flattering, the person seemed to find me up and down the country and this was pre-internet. Yet the person post our relationship can still hurt me but not as much as I hurt myself the self-sabotage is like my shadow has full control. I am doing shadow work and it is good to read about the pattern of such people. The likelihood of a return to the same victim. In my case the control was not letting me go but not for reasons of love but for control. Donna’s work helps me understand this. I like the fact Donna has found love. I am in my own shadow meaning hiding, gaining weight as if to make a union with someone even more unlikely. I want to step into the light again. Maybe reading this will help. It was the bit about ‘But I assure you, the sociopath did not experience any guilt or shame’ this is so true! I was treated so badly, he still knows how to push buttons the acceptance that there is no revenge from me, no way others will hear my side now is something I have been trying to come to terms with this but it is good to share with others, perhaps even help others and be helped by others.
Shadowwork- Recovery from an involvement with a sociopath can certainly seem daunting – especially during these crazy times. But it it possible. The key is to make a commitment to yourself that you WANT to recovery. Then, do the necessary work. It is a bumpy ride, but the result is worth it.