Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a man whom we’ll call “Evan.”
We were together for four years. He discarded me out of the blue one day for someone he had known 2 weeks.
It wasn’t until after the discard I discovered that everything I had thought I knew about him was a lie. I also found out he had been cheating on me, with God knows how many people, our entire relationship. At last count, I could confirm 10.
I cannot confirm that any of the individuals he cheated on me with were female, but I heard stories and have my suspicions. I do know for certain he attempted a sexual encounter with our good friend and neighbor, who is a married female, but aside from that, I am not certain. Honestly I think he would try to get “it” from anything that could move.
The real fun started when I told him I knew about the cheating and would expose him if he didn’t leave me alone. The stalking started. Begging, pleading, crying – sometimes while in uniform and on duty. He is a Police Officer for a local department, complete with a fancy car and police dog.
I documented everything, taking steps to protect myself financially and to retain ownership of my dogs. Nothing I said or did could convince him to leave me alone – so I moved 2500 miles across the country, blocked all available means of communication and haven’t looked back.
While I’m hopeful he has forgotten of me, I know it’s a matter of time before I see that impeccable handwriting on a letter in my mailbox.
How Dr. Bob Hare began studying psychopaths, and what he learned
Evan,
Thank you for sharing your story here. I understand the pain you’re going through. In time it will better. Are you maintaining no contact? I assume you are because of the stalking and your move.
It’s more than painful to find out about the cheating. If you have suspicions he’s slept with women as well, follow that. I had suspensions my ex was having sexual encounters with men (not just women) and it turns out he was pursuing men online for sexual favors. I’m not sure if you have been tested for std’s but you may want to consider it. I finally made the jump and turned out clean. What a miricle!
As for the stalking, such a nightmare. It ruled my life for a couple of years. Still does in many ways. I’m glad you moved away. Too bad yours is a police officer. Great career for a stalker! Ugh.
A professional told me police, military/ex military and computer people pose the most threat for control. Makes sense to me. I’ve dealt with a lot of electronic stalking and have to be careful. Although I’m in a place now where I choose how to go about things (for me). For instance, I’m back on social media knowing the risks and am careful but I keep bank accounts, certain email accounts and this site private.
I’ve chosen not to move away for now. I’m not living in constant fear like I was for so long. The last few months my stalking situation has improved (thank God) but I still watch my back and people in my life know who to look at if something happens to me.
Like you, I still have anticipation that something may happen (like a letter in your mailbox.) Funny thing is, I’m usually right when I experience that feeling. I feel he’s not done. I’m thankful for the break though. I’m not sure they ever forget…boredom is the best I wish for! It’s helped me to document his behavior patterns (past and present) when it comes to planning and assessing what might come next. Something to think about.
I’m not sure it will ever cease to amaze me what these people do for control…cheat, sleep with the opposite sex, stalk, and so much more we really can’t image (probably best we can’t).
How long has it been since you moved? Stay safe. Consider a saftey plan (seems like you probably have) and consider not reading his mail if it comes (easier said than done).
Hang in there and keep living for you. You’re on the right path. We’re here for you!
Keeping,
I heard from a friend that there are companies that can keep your information off the internet. I don’t know anything about it other than these companies exist. The Internet has been both a curse and a blessing to spaths. A savvy spath can create all kinds of problems from thousands of miles away with a click of a button. In these circumstances distance is measured in nanoseconds. Good that you are getting a respite from your stalker.
My story that I am still dealing with the discard, cold, manipulative, cruel, heartless man that he has become. Together from Feb 2014 to March 2016. Moved in with me one month after we met online. We were both from Ohio near eachother, grew up there but met here in Texas. Oh he was charming. He plays his game very well he should have an oscar for his performance. Convinced me 6 months into it( while he had been spending all his time with me, riding harley’s, going out, introducing me to the biker lifestyle) that we needed a bigger bike to go on trips with than the one he had. I have since been able to see the 3 phases of a Narcissists pattern. After we got the bike- now little by little stories coming out on cheating, the horrible things he started saying about me ( all lies) to others, other women… Some of which contacted me to tell me. Then when caught OMG the performance of a lifetime to deflect from him and that he is being blackmailed. Not happening the way people say. Then I’d get shown off for a month . Then holidays 2014 Christmas, he left me completely at home alone for a month, not riding on a bike I owned as primary.. I started hearing again he was saying we had broken up. Night I took the keys to the bike OMG again another great performance of how he has been going about us all wrong and he’s sorry then sex 4 times in one day ( well he needs viagra and honestly even that doesnt make him that good in bed). Convinced me to give keys back. Come January 2015 he moves out says we are going to re-start us fresh start. OK he moves out, never takes me out BUT comes to my home every night to sleep. Really??? In between that time I hear the girls and women again BUT he has a story for each and everyone is lying but him. Moves back in April 2015 after his mom passed away and Yeah I pay 1K to his mom’s funeral as his family had low money. YEP…. again ME to his rescue. From April to Oct 2015, stories upon stories of women and cheating and him lying about me. Im just a roommate he tells women… OH have I mentioned this N MUST be photographed in everyone’s pics and w plenty of women.LOL I OUT him publicly a couple times after he’s been missing for days and a pic pops up of him and another woman. Really, this guy doesnt have anything to offer but a Harley ( I own) to win over women. In sept he had another emergency was actually crying at a bar, people call me to go to him and I go. He is all loving, apologetic for all he’s done to me says I am a reason for him to be in Texas. The woman ” HE LOVES”…. yeah ummm ok….
We had bike rallies to go that I was paying for so guess he needed to play this one out. End of Oct a clear bust on cheating. I spoke to the girl. OH wait we have another rally the following week so he tells her he wants to make it work with me. Comes home tells me he loves me, overlooked all MY GODD and only saw what he didnt like and he was sorry. REALLY??? MY BAD???? I dont lie, cheat and take advantage of others. GO to rally he tells me a surprise ( yeah I know a fix for being caught cheating BIG time) Asks me ” do you want to marry me”. Yeah not ” will you” but ” do you”. I was stupid again and thought he had realized his errors and truly wanted to be with me. Well, nope holidays he found more women to lie to about me, leave me at home and be with. I have NOT rode on our Harley since we got back from the rally Nov 8th 2015. Yeah a bike he would not have without ME, my credit and my money. Moves out Dec 9 2015 but tells me he loves me, this may be a mistake and wants to come back after we work on things. LOL… never happened. Lied, lied and played me up until March 13th. Got the self centered valentines text talked all about him but ended with ” I do love you”….. what a joke.
March 11 , he actually comes over for sex after seeing a sexy pic of me in a leather top and lies to my face where he lives. I found out, outted his lie, March 13th and he was living with an ex girlfriend from 4 years prior. OMG the whole time he was telling me he wanted us to work and move back. OH wait forgot the $800 he took from me to do my fence beg of Feb, signed a paper as well, UMM still not done and now he says he doesnt TRUST ME. OMG trust me????? Now he has since hcanged his cell number, only contacts me via email up until this week he told he wishes I’d move on.
SO Im dealing with financial loss, a harley he is now proud of as it’s his alone for riding many women and realize the guy I knew never existed and I almost have to accept he died. The guy he is now as in past month 1/2 he has only been cold, cruel, mean in any email he sends me. He never acknowledges anything heartfelt I say…. has an excuse for not returning my money for work he hasn’t done and wont do, any excuse on a harley I own and he wont allow me to see or ride and tells everyone I am a lying psycho. IT’s hard and I am trying each day to realize he is sick. I can only hope the girls he fools see faster than I did. His own 17yr old daughter wants nothing to do with him. I left out the physical abuse I endured when he was drunk and I’d say something wrong. All of which he has denied he’s ever done. He’s told people I confided in that I again am the liar.
My questions: when a N says ” wish you’d move on”…. does he truly mean that? He’s also never seen me with another as I always feel he feels he controls me so wonder what happens when the time comes he does see me w another. With him being as cold, cruel and heartless I am betting this guy will never contact me again, hoover, try to rengage though he did go back to an ex. I have since gone NO contact. Only been a complete 2 days ( have gone a week before)but then again he’s not contacting me. He’s got his new happy life. Says he’s working ( nice never worked w me or paid me rent), happy, again blames me for reasons he lost jobs. couldnt have been his drinking late nights not getting up in the am… LOL THis guy is something else.
So in this situation, I am guessing I am the one he will just feel hate towards for figuring him out. I cant ever imagine I’d be dealing with him again. I loved this guy tremendously but now see he can’t feel love. He’s incapable…..
I can’t see I am ” hoover” material in his eyes. Though I know I was the best N Supply he ever had. LMAO
I need to add that I have cried n cried…. this is the toughest life lesson I have ever gone through as the coldness coming from soneone I thought loved me and saw a future with me is tough to deal with. How can he not feel a thing and does he know what he’s causing? Marriage talk to flat out enemies so fast. All the lies I’ve found out, all the backstabbibng of me and the thousands he took from me. I take this day by day. I finally feel I can ignore anything if he contacts me( doubt he will). MY name still ont he harley he is showing off as his alone… I give up. I can’t win against this evil. I call him “lucifer” in my home w my son. This is pure evil that these men do this and ” win”…. all while good hearted women are labeled crazy and left broken. He’s so fake n phony. Will he ever stop being so cold hearted to me? we will run into eachother. He will see me w another. We go out in the same places. Hell he’s only 10 miles from me now and I have to drive byhis house w his old ex( yeah she’s not attractive at all) I will continue to run into him and all he should know he Owes me but yep He’s done nothing wrong
Sorry- AND the last few emails he has sent me are accusing me of stalking him, his facebook or having people do it. ALL of which I am NOT.
Unfortunately, he is likely ‘stalking’ you on facebook.
SPs ALWAYS project exactly what THEY themselves are doing, onto others.
Remember that. Anything that he accuses YOU of, he is likely doing himself.
They are twisted f***s.
Jensen76277 – I am so sorry for your nightmare. He will never change, although he may change his act, as it suits his purpose. As far as, “Does he mean it?” – you can’t trust anything he says.
How do I get past feeling that he is giving everything good and happy to his ex girlfriend ( though he claims theyre just roommates). He literally took everything down to the dog and planted it in her house?
I guess Im trying to understand as I am trying hard to deal with all the lies, cheating, manipulation and financial loss I was placed in- so his last few emails say things like this:
* I was told the guy you were with at the bar you two were more than friends. ( this came 2 days after I told him I was with my son’s friend who is 25.. I am 46.. known that kid since he was 16 so we ARE just friends)
* Why would I come back to you pushing all my buttons?
* And you want me back? NOT.
* I heard you were looking for me and I will always steer you in the wrong direction. ( again, I wasn’t looking for him)
Just wondering where he comes up with these things and what he must be thinking.
Jensen76227 – I know this is hard to believe, but you shouldn’t take anything he says seriously. First of all, he lies. He has no heart. Anything he says is only for manipulation, or to get a reaction out of you.
Keep reading here on Lovefraud – it will help you understand that there is no point in trying to understand him!
And he will never say Goodbye when given the chance to. Just tells me to move on.
And he will never say Goodbye when given the chance to.
so I have a meeting with a therapist today who deals with personality disorders etc. I have not heard from him nor had contact in 6 days now. I did look at facebook though and saw he took his ex girlfriend on a bike trip ( our bike I own), she is all biker now which she wasnt years ago. Posing w the same people I was with in pics before when we took that same trip. I believe she is the one he was seen holding hands with in January. Funny Valentines day he was texting me saying he loved me. march 11th he’s at my house having sex, telling me he loves me. Well since his last email thinking I was stalking him and telling me to move on….nothing makes sense to me. It hurts. This is seriously hurting me physically, emotionally… how he went back to her with all I gave him. I wonder they were together before, I mean is it going to last this time with her? If he was soooo done with me, wanting to move on- can I be safe to say he will never return or contact me again? She’s seriously living my life, thinking I am the crazy one as he tells her, I am the liar as he tells her…He’s erased me, replaced me and I just dont exist.
Jensen76277 – yes, it is really hard to come to terms with it all. But what you are describing is typical sociopathic behavior.
Maintain No Contact. It is the best thing you can do.
I know all the theory – that she’ll have as lousy a time as I did – but it hurts so badly when it happens to you. Since I can’t believe a word he said, there is no way of knowing if he was sleeping with us both at the same time. There are no certainties. Only a guarantee of cruelty. What I hate is how much I care. If someone else told me about such behaviour, I would think: You are well rid of him. Yet I feel so hooked. The pain is awful. I only just discovered he’s been sleeping with her. A “friend” told me. Awful pain.
Ella141 – Sociopaths can seem to turn emotions on and off. That’s because the emotions are fake. Your emotions, however, were real. So it’s going to take some time to unravel them. Cut yourself some slack – and be good to yourself.