I subscribe to a service through which reporters who are looking for information for their stories can find sources. Not long ago, a reporter posted the following query:
A reporter at a national publication is writing about the hell of heartbreak and is looking for people to interview who have experienced a romantic breakup or divorce and who have creative/unusual advice on how to get through the day-to-day emotional turmoil of it. If you’ve been through a breakup (as an adult), how did you deal with the emotional pain, especially in the very beginning? How did you distract yourself from your heartache? How did you keep yourself from calling or texting your former beloved? What advice would you give to someone else in the middle of a heartbreak?
Most of us are here on Lovefraud because we experienced the most devastating, heartrending breakups of all—those involving sociopaths.
Ours were not run-of-the-mill relationships where the ending was, “he’s just not into you.” Ours were not situations in which two people “just grew apart.” Ours were false relationships from the very beginning, in which we were targeted, exploited and betrayed.
Advice? Yes, I have advice.
First of all, if you were involved with a sociopath, NORMAL ADVICE DOESN’T WORK. Even though self-help gurus have sold millions of books, and even if your friends have been through many, many relationships, unless they, too, have been targeted by sociopaths, THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT.
So, the first bit of advice is DON’T LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET IT.
Back to positive advice. What is the one thing you need to understand if you’ve been involved with a sociopath? IT’S NOT YOU!
Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior. But that was all part of the manipulation. Sociopaths intentionally make you doubt yourself. Sometimes it’s to make you malleable so they can take advantage of you, sometimes it’s just for their own entertainment. If you’re feeling nuts, you are having a rational reaction to an insane situation, and your ex is the one causing the insanity.
Next you need to know that the relationship NEVER WOULD HAVE WORKED. Although sociopaths lavishly proclaim their love, they’re lying. Sociopaths are incapable of love. But they have learned that if they mouth the words “I love you,” they can get what they want. And what they want is to exploit you.
If you’ve been involved with someone like this, there is nothing you could have done differently. Nothing would have made the situation better. The sociopath cannot be satisfied, and cannot change.
So how should you view your experience? DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, really. The fact that you were mistreated had nothing to do with you or your behavior. It had everything to do with the fact that you were involved with a cruel, heartless sociopath.
If your ex didn’t do it to you, he or she would have done it to someone else. Why? Because that’s what they do.
Finally, YOU CAN RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE TIME. This is not a normal breakup. It wasn’t only your heart that was broken. It was also your view of the world.
Give yourself time and permission to heal. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you, and embark on a program of NO CONTACT with the sociopath. Even though you pine for the individual, understand that you fell in love with a mirage, and what you’re feeling is residual addiction to the relationship.
Do not call. Do not text. Do not send email. The stronger your commitment to NO CONTACT, the faster you will mend.
Take positive steps. Find joy and happiness anywhere you can, and let them seep into the empty hole that was your heart. Eventually, your heart will fill up and you can try again—with much more wisdom than you had before.
Ivory566
Skylar,
I guess in my mind, a bitch is someone who doesn’t care, they would look at someone they might have loved, at one time, with disdain and nonchalance. I have to have a way to deal with this from a more powerful position, if it’s only in my head, otherwise, I will feel worse.
candy
joinme459 – Hi. What’s your story? No, no names.
Skylar – my plants are wilting I think. What do you suggest?
Ox Drover
Ivory,
being BORING, if you MUST have contact with them is about the only option. If you fight at them, it just makes them get more mean, because they have to WIN at all costs.
NO CONTACT is the ULTIMATE PAIN for them, because if you refuse to interact with them, YOU WIN and they cannot stand that! It eats at them.
For parents who must interact with them, and have no choice, having a witness (in other words, never being alone with them) is about the best you can do. But they must MUST REMAIN COOL at least on the surface and NOT react at all. No matter what the provocation.
the phoenix
>>>Oh, the sociopath certainly told you that you were the problem, told you that you had problems, and even blamed you for his or her atrocious behavior.<<<
Of course they blamed you for everything. Because you are such a bad person for letting them in, taking their abuse without question as they break down your fragile self esteem…
When you turn things around to suit them? It becomes their problem and may make it much easier for you to move on. Please note the heavy sarcasm in the following. Perspective is an amazing thing!
"You are so right honey! I AM such a worthelss piece of crap. Why on earth do you want ME? I am trash. You said so a thousand times before… You really SHOULD move on. Go! Find yourself another person(victim). Someone far more Worthy of YOUR love, sensitivity, caring and generosity. Someone you don't have to yell at, call names or even beat. I hope you find them, because you will truly deserve each other!"
As many of you know, they will call you every name in the book, tell you how bad you are as a person, spouse, parent, etc. but the minute you leave or bring in help? OMG! Their world is falling down around them and they cannot go on without you. They will stop at nothing to reel you back in…
Booo -freakin- Hooo! Cry me a river, spath. Parts of the earth are in drought conditions and they can really use the water.
skylar
Candy,
oh no, your poor plants!
I always use rope to prop up wilting plants.
Give them as much rope as required.
🙂
candy
Sky. Thanks. I think that’s excellent advice. Funny how the weeds seem to push through.
coping
I’ve been doing allot of thinking today and have come up with some very strange thoughts about the spath. Not thoughts rather observations of his past behavior and his ability to manipulate, gain control, “win”. I have not seen anything posted directly on this subject before or I didn’t get it.
I’m not thinking clearly so let me try to get directly to the point without getting too into it.
My spath was not smart, not a corporate type, not my type at all. However he got me good. He was smart with respect to his level of deceptiveness however it was in retrospect very transparent. He was an “underdog” and I was gonna save him.
Hence the question/ issue … One thing I notice now is/was his ability to manipulate women and gay men. Straight guys INSTANTLY see through his bs and see he is a loser- not spath. However in past relationships normally it was the “guys” who stuck together.
Please note the spath was not gay… With respect to the dating sites, porn ect.. IDE have surely found evidence of such. That’s not to say he wouldn’t be with men, I just don’t think it was his direct cup of tea…
Why can the straight guys see through him but women and gay men seem to fall for it. Does this have to do with human attraction? Or his ability to manipulate. As I’ve said he was not smart… Yet more deceptive than anything I’ve ever seen. How is that possible? This is interesting only because I have watched him with police, attorneys, judges, ect. And the straight men just don’t fall for it.
skylar
Ivory,
I will tell you about the most powerful tool against spaths.
I’ve mentioned this tool here before, but I don’t get a very positive response. I think there are 2 reasons: 1) people don’t get it. 2)It’s extremely difficult to implement.
That tool, is humility, and yes, it resides in our brains.
When I’m feeling the most offended and outraged by ALL the spaths in my life, and I’m feeling that it JUST ISN’T FAIR that *I* got such f**ked up parents which made me susceptable to the uber spath and his minions…I try to really FEEL myself as a speck of dust in this immense and mysterious universe.
I imagine the vast cosmos and the tiny planet hurling through space and time. Then I think of how tiny I am. And that’s when I see that it really is just my ego he wanted to hurt and by letting go of it, he can’t hurt me.
the phoenix
Zimzoomit-
..and if he wasn’t listening to Dr. Laura he was listening to Rush Limbaugh. Oh God..GAG ME WITH A LADLE! Nothing like a FAKE BIBLE THUMPER SPATH to make one wretch. Aren’t those the ones most often spathing folks, these days..the RELIGIOUS PRETENDERS, or those with the WORST whore-madonna complexes..the WORSE double-standards on our green planet?
Hahahahahaha! There is a phrase for this, that I learned on another blog. Trash Can Christian.
You know the kind- Oh so shiny on the outside, the holier than thou, preach to everyone what they Should be doing….
yet the minute they think your back is turned or you are out of earshot- Holy Hell! it all comes spilling out in the ugliest, smelliest, rankest manner imaginable.
candy
Ivory – sometimes we have to learn the lesson over and over again (I did) before we finally say NO MORE. So don’t beat yourself up over the contact. Learn from it. You are getting stronger. Start again….today is day one NO CONTACT. We CAN start over. It’s like giving up an addiction. We are sucked back in but we can start again, right here, right now. NC