Several Lovefraud readers have written to me recently—annoyed, angry, horrified. These readers had finally realized what they were dealing with—a sociopath. They extricated themselves from the relationships and had no further contact with the disordered individuals. And what happened? Another sociopath came into their lives.
The readers asked: What is going on? Why can’t they leave me alone? Am I a sociopath magnet?
The answer is, not necessarily. Following are some observations to add perspective to the situation.
Millions of sociopaths
These disordered individuals are everywhere. As long as we’re living on this planet, we face the possibility of running into them.
Experts estimate that 1 percent to 4 percent of the population meet the criteria for psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder. But if you add in the narcissists and those with borderline personality disorder, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators. In the United States, that’s 37 million people. With so many of them out there, we shouldn’t be surprised to come across them.
Faster recognition
The bad news is that these readers found themselves dealing with another sociopath. The good news is that they figured it out much more quickly this time around.
I think these readers should interpret their most recent experience as signs of growth. Yes, another sociopath came into their lives, but they spotted the predator! They know the warning signs and listened to their instincts! This is progress! This is good!
More healing
The fact that another sociopath appeared could also indicate that these readers still have more healing to do. Sociopaths sense vulnerabilities, like sharks sense blood in the water. Perhaps the readers need to look for more injuries within themselves that need to be addressed.
Remember, sociopaths come into our lives by exploiting vulnerabilities. Afterwards, we need to recover from the nasty encounter with the sociopath. But we also need to heal the earlier, deeper injury that enabled the sociopath to target us in the first place. Perhaps we were neglected as a child or abused in an earlier relationship. Or perhaps we had negative beliefs about ourselves—that we were unwanted or unlovable. By addressing and healing our vulnerabilities, we protect ourselves from further pain.
How to stay safe
The bottom line is that millions of sociopaths live among us, so chances are good that at some point, we’ll come across them. So here are the three steps to protecting ourselves:
- Know that sociopaths exist.
- Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
- Listen to our instincts.
Our intuition is designed to protect us from predators. It will almost always tell us, early in the involvement, that something is wrong with an individual. The trick is to pay attention and take action.
All of these readers did that. So yes, it is annoying to find another predator. But at least they got rid of them quickly, before too much damage was done. These Lovefraud readers should be proud of themselves.
Donna, I think this article is one that is one of, if not THE most needed articles on LoveFraud.
We do allow first one psychopath into our lives (maybe we are born with them in our families) and then another comes along. It seems to me that in my own experience when I would “heal” (I thought) from the trauma of the damage done to me by psychopath A, then along came Psychopath B to LOVE BOMB me (and it seems that being vulnerable, in pain, traumatized, etc. leaves me at least open to sucking in the love bombing. Thus being vulnerable to the next psychopath.
Having dysfunctional, if not totally psychopathic ways of dealing with thing in our families of origin, for example being the ones to keep the “family secrets” makes us put other’s welfare ahead of ours, even if their problems are self made.
After coming here to Love Fraud,. I finially caught on that healing is not like getting over a bout of pneumonia, you take medication for it, give it some time, and you are good as new—-it can leave you with injured lungs that make you prone to get pneumonia again and again the rest of your life.
I have finally come to realize that the first order of business (in my opinion) when we are starting to heal from a psychopath induced trauma (regardless of what the relationship with them is or was) we must learn about PSYCHOPATHS. How they think, what their motives are, and basically what kind of creature we are dealiingn with. THEN when we have done that, we must LEARN ABOUT OURSELVES, and WHY we are vulnerable to them.
There are many reasons we may be vulnerable to a psychopath, depending on our own needs.
If we are lonely for male/female companionship, a love relationship and someeone comes along and starts telling us how sexy and lovely and wonderful we are, blah blan blah…WHO WOULD NOT FALL FOR THAT, HOOK, LINE AND SINKER? Especially someone who is “down in the dumps” like I was after my husband died. And fall I did.
But I also fell for another line….from my psychopathic son Patrick. Even after he had committed murder. I wanted to SAVE him, to redeem him…I wanted my sons and me to ahve a good family life together and treat each other like we should.
So for the 17 years I lived in LA La FANTASY land reading the letters from my son about “Praise Jesus” and talking to the minister at the prison who thought Patrick was WONDERFUL—I have since educated this minister about what a psychopath is and he is no longer quite so naive.
IN my JOURNEY (and I believe healing is a llife long journey, not a destination that we reach, all 100% healed and perfect) toward healing, I find new things each day in my life that I realize I should change. One thing was putting up with people who w3ere “just a LITTLE dishonest”—-people who were just a little dysfunctional in the way they dealt with others. People who didn’t keep their word ALL the time.
I realized that as long as I associated intimately with these people in my person or business life as friends or co-workers that there would always be trauma/drama. By eliminating them, my life has become much more peaceful.
ADJUSTING my attitudes and my behavior started to show some really POSITIVE RESULTS.
Like I told another poster the other night who was legitimately complaining about the hassle he got from his lawyer P ex that never seemed to stop.
He doesn’t have the power to change that, IT is gonna do what IT is gonna do, but he does HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE how he thinks and feels about it.
It looked like for a while that my egg donor, the Trojan Horse and my son C and his then wife were going to be successful in running me out of my house. A house I almost built with my own hands, where I lived with my husband during the majority of our marriage. I WAS DEVASTATED!!!! They were running me out! I couldn’t stay. WOE IS ME!!!!!
Then I realized it is JUST A HOUSE. What was causing me all thhis grief about having to leave the house was my ATTACHMENT to it. If I no longer cared about the place, then I wouldn’t be upset by leaving. It was like doing an amputation of a limb with a rusty butcher knife and nothing to deaden the pain, but I cut that attachment out of my heart.
What was causing me so much agony and pain for two decades about my son Patrick was my affection for him and my DELUSION that he was going to change, my MALIGNANT HOPE that he was sincerely accepting responsibility. ONCE I LET GO OF THAT MALIGNANT HOPE, once I let go of the EXPECTATION THat he would change, wa la! tHE PAIN WAS GONE.
EMOTIONAL PAIN IS INCREASED BY EXPECTATIONS VERSUS REALITY.
MY REALITY OF MY SON IS THAT HE IS A CRIMINaL, A VIOLENT CRIMINAL AND HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.. Accepting that realiity was just like accepting a death in the family and was that painful, but not that I HAVE accepted it, I have peace because there is no difference between expectation and reality..
I would like to say that after I realized how many sociopaths were in my life, I have also been realizing their influences on me, and how my personality has attracted the “other” sociopaths in my life. There are 4 “blood” spaths in my family, and I married 2 of them. For all I know, my current relationship of 12 years is with a sociopath as well…as it is definitely one-sided in all aspects. The reason for my post is that I truly believe I am a sociopath-magnet, but I also recognize that this is because I was raised by one, so I was “taught” to accept certain behaviors. I also went to the complete opposite of the narcissistic spectrum, and became a giving and loving person—the opposite of how I was raised. Because I put so much emphasis on empathy, giving, and loving…the sociopaths see me as a TARGET. Healing and acceptance of my own role in all of this, has helped me to get a better grasp on the behaviors of others, as well as myself. If you have several spaths in your life…expect others–But pay attention to the behaviors of new people before you roll out the red carpet for them, and give them the keys to your house.
Donna, thank you for the validating article. I am hyper-alert, anymore. I am very, very cautious and I put nothing out there that will give anyone any excuses. “Benefit of the doubt” does not apply in my world, anymore.
Yeah, brushes with spaths are going to continue – it’s inevitable because it is such a rampant condition and seems to actually be promoted as “acceptable” and “tolerable.” So, the three guideline gifts that you posted are replacing any misconceived beliefs that I once maintained.
Thank you so much, again!
BRIGHTEST BLESSINGS
Thanks, Donna.
Trauma survivors often have an unconscious tendancy to “repeat” the trauma. Freud called this, “the compulsion to repeat”. It stems from the need to gain mastery over the traumatic event, and an unconscious belief that this time I can get it right. Of course, we never do. We only increase our woundedness.
Some months ago I watched the old 70’s movie, “The Deerhunter, and, even though I had seen it years earlier, I didn’t get the significance of it. This is a movie about the devistation of war, yes, but it so perfectly portrays, “the compusion to repeat” of PTSD. Remember the scene where the two American buddies are forced to play Russian roulette by their Vietnamese captors?
Then, toward the end of the movie, one of them enggages in this Russian roulette willingly and compulsively, until it kills him.
We can stop it though.
We just need to become conscious of our woundedness and take responaibilty for changing and healing.
Donna, this article is important for Lovefraud readers to know.
Yes, it happened to me; 2 years after the sociopath I had a relationship with another pathological. He was more charming than the first, complimentary, handsome, sweet, attentive, and my 7th grade crush. I did see some red flags (victim of ex-wife, physical ailments, “I live in the slums and you live in a nice neighborhood”, etc.) I distanced myself from him several times, but he sweet-talked me back into the relationship.
Within a month he said he’d take me to Vegas, Times Square, Port Angeles, San Francisco, etc. He had a lot of friends (first sociopath had few friends) and his children seemed to adore him. He smiled a lot. He was very affectionate and loving (much more than the “sociopath”).
I thought it could certainly not happen again. I had spent thousands of hours researching sociopathy and believed it couldn’t possibly happen again. I had “known” him for 30 years. I was aware and alert to red flags, perhaps even hyper-vigilant.
But he planned to rip me off after a Caribbean vacation. He refused to do the work for me he had promised. And he displayed the most extreme (red-faced) rage I had ever seen in my life. The mask fell; his manipulativeness, anger issues, and conning were apparent.
I was again saddened and dismayed at my stupidity. Again? Oooh not again. There must be something wrong with ME!
And hence began a search to the depths of my being, and back to my childhood. To my surprise I discovered my father (whom I have always been close to and considered a ‘daddy’s girl’) was charming. My father was always the victim or the hero. My father had intense rage issues (I cannot recall from my childhood a genuine smile, more a crooked grin or a gritting of the teeth look).
SHOCK. Not my father! No. It could not be.
And hence I have come to the conclusion that I have been attracted to and/or a magnet for sociopaths because of my upbringing. I am a pleaser. I like peace. I enjoy pleasantness. I am compassionate and like to help people. I am a good listener. And because my own (loved) father is one of “them”, pathological men are my comfort zone. They are the “known”.
It was a difficult realization. I have not dated for 2 years. I refuse to be sucked into an unhealthy relationship. I am much better company (even if alone) than being with a pathological.
You see, the lesson (for me) was not yet learned. I did not yet realize that I was not just a victim, but I was (subconsciously) CHOOSING pathological men. This was MY choice. I was not just targeted.
And hence more research (this time into borderline personality disorder) and more healing. It is a process. It takes time, and one must be patient with oneself.
I must say that this second relationship harmed me more than the first and the recovery has been even more difficult although the relationship was of a much shorter duration. I have come to believe it is because it was like falling again on an already injured and bloody knee.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Not only have I looked closely at relationships with men, but with other people in my life. I only welcome healthy relationships now. I now seek only people who are genuine with a sincere heart. I am very careful with whom I associate.
Thank you for the article, Donna. It will inform your readers that it can happen again, and that there is more learning for them. They are on a path of self-discovery and ultimately, self-love and acceptance.
Blessings and Peace to all of you.
Peggywhoever.
P.S. Hi Oxy!
Ohhhhhh Myyyyyy Gooooooooodness! What a great as well as timely, desperately needed posting for all to read, as well as DIGEST!!! Thank you, Donna. What insight! As I have been in my situation for awhile now, I’ve asked myself the question a zillion times now: How could this happen to me, AGAIN??? Donna said: “Our intuition is designed to protect us from predators. It will almost always tell us, early in the involvement, that something is wrong with an individual. The trick is to pay attention and take action. The bottom line is that millions of sociopaths live among us, so chances are good that at some point, we’ll come across them. So here are the three steps to protecting ourselves:
*Know that sociopaths exist.
*Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
*Listen to our instincts. May I add a few more? When entering any relationship, SET YOUR BOUNDARIES! Make a clear and precise decision for yourself, (and your mental as well as emotional well being) of what you WILL AND WILL NOT tolerate. Any RED FLAGS pop up…..CUT IT OFF! Do not “excuse or rationalize any “off” behavior into oblivion! Also…..ASSUME NOTHING, AND QUESTION EVERYTHING! Not on a “paranoia” level, but do not be gullible, and trusting. Set the boundary, that if someone wants you to trust them, THEY HAVE TO EARN YOUR TRUST! Any breach of that trust……DONE! FINISHED! After being here at LF, for the short time that I have, I have learned sooooo much! However, I have learned far more about ME, (and why this happened to me, again), than I have learned about the spaths. All of the information here is wonderful, and great, BUT it will remain that…just information….. unless we APPLY this practical information, in our daily lives, as well as all relationships! Thank you Donna! Best wishes to everyone here! 🙂
I was targeted by another disordered man shortly after my devastating breakup with the psychopath. My best friend assured me that he was “so nice” when she didn’t really know him at all. The difference this time was that I questioned some of his motives and didn’t immediately go along with his demands, so he grew frustrated and revealed himself fairly early. I’m only sorry I didn’t toss him away at the very first red flag – this little “friendship” wouldn’t have lasted a day.
I also had to take time and think about the best friend’s motivations in constantly trying to hook me up with completely unsuitable men (former prison inmates, jobless gigolo wannabees, etc.), when I kept telling her I wasn’t really ready to date yet. The end result was that SHE had to go too because she refused to respect my wishes and boundaries. My therapist told me that this was normal – after seeking help and introspection we often find ourselves surrounded by damaged and damaging people.
I have since, deleted ALL of the toxins from my life, which includes toxic people and (so called) friendships. Although this has left me with just that of my wonderful family and 2 trusted, normal, loving, intelegent friends, it is THEE best action I have taken within my entire healing process! What a difference this has made spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I am so relaxed and feel incredibly empowered since doing this…. It is as if the sun is now shining down on me, once again, after being blocked by all of the toxins, for far too long. Being free of toxins/toxic people is the best thing going!
Hi,. Peggy, great post above BTW…yes, our childhood dysfunction that we don’t realize is dysfunction but think it is “normal” trains us to be people pleasers….cover up Daddy’s rages because if anyoone knew he would lose his job, lbe kicked out as deacon of the church, you can’t let anyone know daddy drunks, our YOU WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE IF HE LOST HIS JOB BECAUSE OF IT.
YOU….kill the messenger!!
My egg donor ACTUALLY SAID “let’s just pretend that none of this happened and start over.” when I was trying to discuss what she had done to me in discarding me in favor of the pedopile and my then X DIL who had tried to kill my son C, etc.
It was like a bucket of water hit me in the face when she said that. It was an AH HA moment!
YOu know we ARE “magnets” because just as an african predator looks over a herd of 1,000 antelope, he looks for that one out of the 1,000 that limps, is old, sick, young, injured in any way because it gives him a decided advantage in “catching”prey. The psychopaqhs do the same thing as the lions, they pick the weaker one out of the herd.
How they can “read our minds” and realize that we are the weaker ones, I do not know. It seems MAgic! bUT THEY CAN DO IT FOR SURE. MAYBE THE FEBBIES SHOULD HIRE THEM AS PROFILERS. Funny thing is, in other ways, they are as DENSE as a piece of iron in knowing how we think emotionally. DUH?????
Good for you, DawnG! As for your “former” best friend, sounds to me, SHE wasn’t worthy of your friendship…that she didn’t respect what you WOULD NOT TOLERATE any longer! Also makes me wonder what types of relationships SHE had/has with men in HER life? Could it be the “misery loves company” type of friendship you and her had? Don’t know, just some things that crossed my mind after reading your post. Another thing I am curious about is, I wonder how many spaths, access this website, TO PICK UP POINTERS, ON HOW THEY CAN BECOME EVEN MORE DEVIOUS!???? That is why we must always be……..”radar on”! 🙂 Good day to all! 🙂