Several Lovefraud readers have written to me recently—annoyed, angry, horrified. These readers had finally realized what they were dealing with—a sociopath. They extricated themselves from the relationships and had no further contact with the disordered individuals. And what happened? Another sociopath came into their lives.
The readers asked: What is going on? Why can’t they leave me alone? Am I a sociopath magnet?
The answer is, not necessarily. Following are some observations to add perspective to the situation.
Millions of sociopaths
These disordered individuals are everywhere. As long as we’re living on this planet, we face the possibility of running into them.
Experts estimate that 1 percent to 4 percent of the population meet the criteria for psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder. But if you add in the narcissists and those with borderline personality disorder, as many as 12 percent of the population are social predators. In the United States, that’s 37 million people. With so many of them out there, we shouldn’t be surprised to come across them.
Faster recognition
The bad news is that these readers found themselves dealing with another sociopath. The good news is that they figured it out much more quickly this time around.
I think these readers should interpret their most recent experience as signs of growth. Yes, another sociopath came into their lives, but they spotted the predator! They know the warning signs and listened to their instincts! This is progress! This is good!
More healing
The fact that another sociopath appeared could also indicate that these readers still have more healing to do. Sociopaths sense vulnerabilities, like sharks sense blood in the water. Perhaps the readers need to look for more injuries within themselves that need to be addressed.
Remember, sociopaths come into our lives by exploiting vulnerabilities. Afterwards, we need to recover from the nasty encounter with the sociopath. But we also need to heal the earlier, deeper injury that enabled the sociopath to target us in the first place. Perhaps we were neglected as a child or abused in an earlier relationship. Or perhaps we had negative beliefs about ourselves—that we were unwanted or unlovable. By addressing and healing our vulnerabilities, we protect ourselves from further pain.
How to stay safe
The bottom line is that millions of sociopaths live among us, so chances are good that at some point, we’ll come across them. So here are the three steps to protecting ourselves:
- Know that sociopaths exist.
- Know the warning signs of sociopathic behavior.
- Listen to our instincts.
Our intuition is designed to protect us from predators. It will almost always tell us, early in the involvement, that something is wrong with an individual. The trick is to pay attention and take action.
All of these readers did that. So yes, it is annoying to find another predator. But at least they got rid of them quickly, before too much damage was done. These Lovefraud readers should be proud of themselves.
This is really interesting. I am going to put another viewpiont on this subject. The first one that met, was sadistic, heavily narcissistic, distempered, cruel, and did a lot of emotional damage to me. I was led to believe i was crazy.
The second in my life, was a charismatic sociopath. At the time when i met him – i was in a terrible state, i had finished 10 months of EMDR therapy, yet still, i was in a terrible state.
The seconds motives was MONEY… i ended up thousands in debt, have almost lost my home and my job- well almost – but he was as charming as anything. Made me feel amazing about myself. He helped heal the PTSD by mirroring me, getting me out, helping me to face thingss. He was wonderful – but behind my back, there were no jobs, everything was a scam. He enjoyed getting one over on me. Financially…
But you know – i am glad i met the second one. Financially he was a disaster – but his cheer and charm, mirroring behaviour and dedication towards me to help me (for his own needs of course) helped undo the damage of the sadistical narcisstic psycho.
OF the two…. i would prefer the second any time he wasnt violent and whilst he is text book psychopath (pathological liar, fake jobs, fake everything, fake background, no family friends, manipulation deceit, whilst behind my back he was ruining me – I had no idea of this.
Just goes to show that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes people will do anything for cash. Today, i feel ok. I think….
Whats the WORST –is how do people believe me? Thats what i find hard, its oh yet again – he has issues – hmmmm
Thank heavens for this post! I thought I was nuts or particularly unlucky. My second wife was a nasty sociopath. As a result I took four years off of dating and when I tried it again I found myself with the daughter of a sociopath who followed in her mom’s footsteps of cheating on everyone she was with and colluding with hersister and mother to cover it up. In retropsect, the M.O. and goals of both women were decidedly different but nonetheless.
The saving grace was when I realized and accepted what was happening with my ex-girlfriend I quickly and decisively ended it. Afterwards I found out that two people I know knew her propensity to cheat and didn’t say anything. their logic was I was such a good person and so good for this woman that she would of course turn over a new leaf. Not!
i had an n gf before the spath. the spath was much more charming. i suspect because she was completely fake. the n was just a completely different story – no problem in acting like it was all about her…took a while to see that, but it was obvious once i saw the projections.
now, the spath WAS more charming (as the fake boy), but was ugly in some of the other sockpuppets. (for those of you who don’t know my story – the spath is a serial con who creates entire families and friend networks – a whole fictional world, with global addresses and photos – to con women online.) The mirroring that inoel mentioned had the same affect on me. it was very healing until i found out that the cure could kill me. Even the n gf and immediately after her, a spath boss, didn’t fuck with my head the way the spath did. she turned the axis of my world. it took a very long time to get upright again. I function okay after three years, but i am no where near healed. Every day i need to work on myself, and find ways to calm down, drop the vigilance, find balance, trust others, trust myself, be gentle with myself and others, and learn new ways of coping with difficult situations. there isn’t a lot of ‘joy’ yet – but i am functioning much better. I do have some control over my actions, and some better thinking habits are evolving.
the spath taught me that people can really be irredeemable, and many people have worse motivations that I would ever have thought. i had prescribed to what i felt was a sound world view: people are usually ignorant, and not malicious. But now i question where people are coming from and what their motivations are…and most importantly, what their GOALS are. Looking at actions through a lens of goals and motivations can give one a very complete picture of disorderedness in another.
i have a long way to go to live from my heart and wisdom. i am still integrating the spath and n experience, and the other things that happened during the same time period. i have been working steadily for over 2 years, and although i am not sure i really like my line of work, i am doing well enough financially that i have almost rid myself of the debt I have carried for the last few years. the sceptres of homelessness and poverty are still close to me, and i am trying to deal with that via helping others, an evaluating how I want to live my life.
I do find myself doing kindnesses for people, so my generosity is returning. I have been out kayaking this summer with a friend i have made in my industry, and I bought a bike a few weeks ago. One that puts no pressure on my hands…and i am in heaven. I feel so free with wheels. i also feel like a 14 year old boy with a new hot bike, and that’s very good too. (It’s actually a used hot bike…a low-rider. I feel tres cool on it, with my 25 year old helmet…LOL.)
I am still working on ways of saying ‘no’ in work situations that are accepted, and that don’t get me into trouble. i had an intense dream one night – woke up gasping for air. I saw very clearly how i had responded in two very difficult work situations (one with the spath boss) that got me into trouble. Lo and behold, if a similar situation didn’t arise at one of my present jobs just two days later. I shut my mouth and thought. it was a phone conference and my silence was rather loud. When I did speak, i said: ‘ just figuring out what I want to say’ – to buy myself a bit more time. inelegant, but it worked. i said what i needed to – and the situation didn’t change much, but I said what I needed to, and didn’t get fired. Since then i was confronted with another thing, that hit a similar trigger for me, and was able to very gracefully side step it, without using the dreaded ‘no’. everyone is expected to be so damn flexible in the work force. being that flexible isn’t good for me at this time. my boundaries are still messed up and i am still challenged in taking care of myself.
I am learning a lot through work – and the two jobs constantly colliding into one another, competing for my time. That’s VERY challenging to balance, and a lot of days I don’t balance it, i just muddle through, losing my personal time in service. But after my last job, i am less and less willing to lose my personal time. mind you, I do get PAID for all of the hours i work with these jobs.
I have moved ahead with a bit of a social life. emphasis on ‘bit’. it’s a start, and that’s all i can ask for. I have also made some big strides with letting go of the anger i carry for my father. i am now able to be in a room with my mom and him and ignore his presence, and not want to whack someone else afterwards. I am trying to speak with less anger in general. Trying to not feed the anger seed.
Off to work now. Today is a big day, and i think i came to write to get a little more grounded in myself.
hugs to you all. (and I have seen to have re-found my hug mechanism. 🙂 )
One joy, it looks to me like you are in a different place since you first came here, and it’s great reading about your progress. Did you ever move out of that apartment with the toxic neighbors?
Hello Everyone!
Just wanted to stop in and let you know that I have been reading you all and trying to follow along the best I can with all your progress.
I am doing well these days, now that I have the NOISE out of my life.
It has been a couple weeks now, since I changed my number and I must say, goodness gracious: so very peaceful and quiet now. I am sure I have lost some long time connections in the process but well, I have also gained a whole lot too. What I have gained – there can’t be a price put on that.
I am still in weekly therapy; still taking lexapro, along with the rest of my heart medication. Starting to heal in just an IMMENSE way. It hasn’t been easy but I am doing it. One step at a time.
Thank you Donna for this article.
The BF before “IT” was also a spath, bi polar…
I ended that relationship against what my heart told me because I knew it would end up in an ugly spot sooner or later. I have found that no dating and no involvement is best for me right now and perhaps for the rest of my life. There are LOTS of these ugly people out there who just use others and suck souls. I feel more ‘comfortable’ just learning to stand on my own two feet again and grasp what life I have left.
Absolution and moving forward does wonders for a person’s life.
However, the devastation it leaves behind, in the wake, is amazing.
Unbelievable. It’s because they DO use our weaknesses and vulnerabilities against us. We must stand up and stay strong and learn to say “NO” when “NO” is truly appropriate. We must not be afraid to stand up for ourselves and what we know is right/and/or wrong.
Love to you all on this day’s journey…
Dupey
After this last SP, I asked myself the same question. I then scared myself so terribly. For a second, that I thought I might be one. I was always taught “like attracts like”and “birds of a feather flock together.” I sat alone, for the first month, not talking to anyone. With the exception of a favorite family member, who, by the way, is a self-proclaimed narcissist and whose mother, like mine, is also narcissistic; I talked to no one. “Am I like them?”, I asked myself. I combed my personality for any sign that might show me a traitor to myself, and to my horror, I found some. (keyword: some). I found that I am “used” to having this type of person in my life. This type of person was my outer authority which became my inner authority and I am a, literal, child at heart, that needs authority but can’t trust it because it either hurt me or didn’t protect me from being hurt. (In my case, both)
What has changed within me, now I am starting to learn, like any person abused from childhood, my perspective of normal is off. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with my inner core, I have an spirit-astigmatism. I have been arrested in my development emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I had to understand, I am not, yet, who I CAN become. The innocent child is still in me. I need protection, security, safety, nurturing, and love from an authority that must come from within. I reason, I keep calling them because they “seem” like the authority I’m used to, but never trusted. I have to develop an INNER authority I can trust. This is the gift of maturing.
Every time I make a good choice, a right choice, a better choice; I build that inner authority. I can trust that inner self to mature that childish inner core I have. I realized that’s what the mutual attraction is: we both are locked up children. The difference is: I care enough to recognize it, acknowledge the truth and DO something about it, because I care for myself and I do not want to pass this to my children or another person. They, however, do not care.
What I have been learning about my, now, broken-cycle of being surrounded by this type of person is, I’m used to them. (I believe the moment you recognize, accept and take action; you already have what you seek. You just have to walk to the path of acceptance of that knowledge). Around this type of person I feel “normal”, because I am “used” to them. So, of course, I’m going to call them, just like they call me. I realized they aren’t as smart as I am giving them credit for, because I am doing half of their work by unconsciously seeking them out as hard as they maybe looking for me. By understanding, they are my basic idea of normal, like the narcissistic Cusco said in “The Emperor’s New Groove”, I am giving them way too much credit. Knowing this puts the power, my personal power, back in my hands. Now that I know this is MY perception of normal, if I want to change it, I can. I no longer have the right to place the blame on the predictor, if I won’t stop being the prey. I stopped being prey when I acknowledged my authority issue. I will continue not to be prey when I feel “at home” with someone or when a person “feels like family”, and I walk away from that situation. My life will change when I am able to create a new perspective of normal by accepting an inner authority that will provide me with the guidance I need to mature. I have learned Sp cannot deal with mature people there is nothing for them to manipulate. You can manipulate a child, but a person of full emotional and mental maturity is not able to be seduced.
1Cor 13:11 ESV
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”
I very rarely quote bible verses, but this one hit the nail on the head. Speaking, thinking, and reasoning like a child has been the way I have lived my life. I have lived my whole adult life through the eyes of a hurt child. Now, it’s time to grow up and become a woman which will ensure I won’t place the calling card of my heart or mind in the hands of another SP.
Ox
Sorry your son put you into having to make that choice. That had to be excruciating.
EMOTIONAL PAIN IS INCREASED BY EXPECTATIONS VERSUS REALITY
I’d add wrong to expectations. But your right on track.
IT do do what IT do. And IT is doing it not to us but to anyone IT can.
Hows Achilles doing?
spoon
My life has been DESTROYED – permanently – by sociopaths and sexual perverts. My latest loss is my granddaughter – I am blamed by everyone for introducing her to my boyfriend. The life has been literally sucked out of me by my family sociopaths and then the ones I met in the aftermath of their abuse. I have no clue how to climb out of this mess. My heart is officially shattered. My mother made sure I felt like a worthless piece of shit from the day I was born…and at 53 (today) friends are saying I have to let it go. Fine, but how to deal with today’s continuing story-line where I lose every freaking single person in my life that I love.
How does one deal with such internal pain?
Yeah they keep coming! a friend has a Cuban refugee living in an old trailer on his property. The guy hardly works. A mild sociopath he is! I first began to get the personal clues when I loaned him a dvd film. For weeks I didnt get it back. Once he claimed in front of his property owners it had been a gift from me! I let it go apppreciating what and how I was hearing him. later I planned a trap for him when some things I had left in the shop of the owners disappeared and had learned he had taken them to his trailer. In front of everyone I demanded the dvd and the other things back immediately and accused him of being a thief! It was too much embarrassment ion that momnent and he went to get them. When the dvd came back the disc was not in its clip inside but allowed to swish around inside potentially scratching it up. I appreciated myself again for realizing this person for what he is and noticing his manners that do not include anyone but himself. Yesterday he briought me the wrong drink I had asked for when he went to the store for everyone. He claimed he did not understand English but we looked at each other like we knew why he did it! He was getting back at me! How petty and unloving he must be. I know now not to involve myself with him even down to the minute details!!! Everything is competition and theft to him.
hey star, yep, def in a different place.
i am still in my building. the worst neighbours have moved out, but i am still struggling with smoke, and noise above me. when my debt is cleared in a few months, I am saving for a car, so that i can move out of the city. i can hardly believe that i am about to reach my first goal (paying off my debt), and that I can actually begin to think about the 2nd (as a necessity for the 3rd!)
The industry i am in is quite harsh – tonight was a pubic meeting and i had to deal with a real jerk – finally, I just had the police deal with him, cause’ i could feel myself losing my composure. don’t know that i want to stay in this line of work – but it sure is paying the bills.
keep on dancing!