By Ox Drover
Going through my family photos I came across one of my two oldest sons. We had gone on vacation to Montana to visit a friend for the summer in 1981. They were about 10 and 11 years old. My friend took us around to all the local sights and showed us some old gold mines dug back into the solid rock.
In the photo made that summer, I saw my sons, both kneeling on a huge rock about five feet from the edge of a stream of rapidly flowing water, with a gold pan in their hands. My friend had put a handful of sand from the edge of the creek into the wok-shaped pan and showed them how to swirl the sand in the bottom and let the rushing water wash away the lighter sand, and told them that the heavier gold dust would stay in the bottom of the pan.
They were so excited to be panning for real gold and before long they started to see flakes of glitter in the bottom of their pan. It shone like the sun and made them very excited and they were talking about all the things they would buy with the fruit of their efforts. GOLD!!! REAL GOLD!!!
When they had a teaspoon or so of golden dust in the bottom of their pans, they could come to the bank of the river and put it into a plastic container. Then they would scoop up more sand and go back out on the big rock in the river’s edge. They worked for hours digging and panning for gold dust, excitedly washing the sand they dug, and keeping the glittering dust in the bottom.
As my friend and I sat on the bank of the creek watching the boys enjoying their experience, he leaned over to me and said, “I don’t have the heart to tell them it is fool’s gold they are panning.”
I sort of chuckled that day, and never really did tell the boys that their work was for naught, or that what they thought was a treasure trove of real gold was nothing but pyrite, or “fool’s gold.” Eventually, I think they figured it out for themselves, and my oldest son still has a small jar with the fool’s gold in the bottom.
I was thinking about “fool’s gold,” in terms of false things that glitter and mimic “the real thing” but are, in truth, worthless. A psychopath’s claims of loving us, their claims that they care for us, are “fool’s gold,” because in fact, they don’t have the capacity to love or care.
The miner who came back to “Deadwood” with a big poke (bag) of fool’s gold would be the laughing stock of the town for a while. Sometimes we may feel that we are laughing stocks or fools for having accepted the “fool’s gold” of the psychopath’s “love” for us as real.
Just as my sons were unable to distinguish the fool’s gold from the real gold, we are sometimes unable to distinguish what is real and what is not.
Experience, however, is a good teacher if we will listen to it. Having seen real gold dust, it is easy enough to compare the different sparkle of fool’s gold from the real thing. Having been fooled once (or twice or more) by the fake glitter of false love, we can use this knowledge to protect us. As the old saying goes, and it is so true, “not everything that glitters is gold.” As we learn that everyone who says, “I love you” doesn’t really, we learn to pick the real from the false.
Thank you Ox Drover for sharing this memory and for the great comparison. I agree. It took my oldest sons maturing love and respect for me to actually give me the experience of real gold. Now I can tell the difference between the real and the fake. I have a very loving brother and mother and don’t mean to deminish their value at all. I think as we get older in an abusive environment we grow more likely to have a more selfish love for one another. We are in such need for validation and love that we begin to offer a love based on it earning love. Sort of like as small children we love those we rely on for our needs to be meet. ?. I don’t know but there is something so unselfish about the way he loves and respects me that is gives me a clearness about love that I’ve never known. I can learn alot from him. I hope to offer that kind of love to others and will be looking for that in any future relationship. I hope this is understandable, I mean nothing gross in the comparison to my son…it’s not romantic love of course. It’s real love.
Any way, Thank you very much. This just brought to mind something I hadn’t realized. Now I know what I’m watching for!
I think the difficulty it that there are many people out there that have not experienced real true love. When you have nothing to compare your experience to, it’s harder to know a fake.
I’m 5 days NC; the longest so far.
I’ve taken almost all of the steps that have been suggested so far. Thank you all. I just wanted to let you all know that.
I just keep reading and this was a new article. Ox Drover, I really appreciate the imagery with which you wrote this!
“Sometimes we may feel that we are laughing stocks or fools for having accepted the “fool’s gold” of the psychopath’s “love” for us as real.” This is where I still am.
I actually began a new project the other day and I worked on that most of today so I feel like I did something constructive as well as enjoyable. I experienced almost continuous intrusive thoughts of PoiSoN but I recognized them, and just said, “Yeah” to myself and kept going.
I’m not very good yet at recognizing the verbal tactics and ploys that he uses. I did notice that the way he ends things when I’m not cooperating with him (“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be ok” or, “but I’ll get by”) are appeals for me to feel guilty and sorry for him. The pity ploy. I feel heartless and cruel for not responding to him.
I don’t like to hurt people and this is a major characteristic of mine that he’s trying to manipulate. If I didn’t know the truth of our situation, I would believe him (the poor wounded creature). He is very good at what he does.
My emotions are very conflicted right now.
I ordered “Women Who Love Psychopaths” last week and I sure hope that it arrives soon!
I also see that I can spend too much time “learning” about all of this. It puts my focus on him though in a sort of disguised way. I’ve been focusing more on my children and spending time with them. I have to admit that the last couple of weeks I’ve been too distracted with the realization of falling for the “fools gold” again. Its amazing how much relief from anxiety watching the clouds and making up stories about them brings!! lol
He drove by I don’t know how many times when I was outside playing with the kids. Then sent me an email (though I didn’t read it until later). I’ve received more than 20 “Goodbye” letters, notes, text, etc. this week. I was thinking that I should show it to you. Okay, I’m going to do that but just remove the names. (I guess I don’t need to mention that this is not quite an account & his compassionate actions are exaggerated a bit. LOL)
Yes, I did send a very mean text, two of them. The last 2 things that I said to him were horrible.
“hey, i dont know why im writin you but i know well never talk again so im sayin goodbye. i cant tell you my feeling right now cause there are no words. the only thing i can say is after time ill forget the preserve, the meetins at the ramp, the star the you kissin my chain and sayin goodnight to me even though i wasnt there the day in wesp palm bch or the day i rubbed you for hours when you were in pain and lots of other things. ill remeber the last phone all the text messages and the im’s which were beyond cruel. i used to think we were one hear one mind soulmates and best friends. i know now were not. i always said i aint like nobody and i aint. were not the same cause i could NEVER do what you did to me. not even to someone i hate. im not yellin at you im just sayin. if we were the same id do that to you back but i cant i just cant. i was never embarassed bein with you never felt shame it was so comfortable but i dont want to put into word the text you said about me and****and now im embarrased and ashamed. i know what you think of me and how you made fun of me and i cant look you in the eyes and not feel ashamed again. well you said you drove a wedge and you did right through my heart. every time i saw you today my heart dropped i wanted you to talk to me but i knew i couldnt talk back i just cant. i could go on for hours but whats the use. you cant unring a bell right? just wanted you to know in a million years you never know how i feel right now. guess cause i trusted you and let you in further than anybody i ever knew.thats my faoult i had the right intention just the wrong person. i want you to know i wish you no tears, no sorrow, no sadness and no pain. i hope someday i could forgive you i really do but aw you know. good bye *****”
I know that there are several common strategies he’s using here to get to me, I just don’t know what they are. I think if it makes me feel like I need to talk to him or respond to him in any way then it must be a ploy of some kind. He sounds so hurt and I sound so horrible. Is this normal guys? Is this what you all go through??
I sure hope that Witsend is okay. My prayers are with you and your son.
Actually, my prayers are with you all.
I don’t think I should have posted that letter. OOOPS!! I was not thinking ahead there.
What I was hoping for was that someone could help me identify the tactics so that I can begin to recognize them for what they are and not fall for them over and over.
I just don’t want to do this again!!
Cherre,
ROTFLOL!! OH SOO TYPICAL! Are you sure you weren’t with my exP?? LOL. Did you ever read “the campfire of my love?”
I posted it here for everyone to see. LOL! It was my exP saying the same things to me as yours did to you.
He is trying to set the mood in your mind of a sad story of starcrossed lovers. That’s how he begins, with goodbye.
Then he must remind you of all the “good times”. That’s to soften you up. Then he throws a quick little dagger: he’s going to forget the good times, but he’ll remember those mean text messages you sent to hurt him.
He says: i could NEVER do what you did to me.
BULL F*CKING SH*T, HE DID WORSE, MUCH MUCH MUCH WORSE. Sorry for yelling but my exP used the exact same words. These words, mean one thing: he is laughing as he types them. He is soooo amused with himself. Because he knows exactly what he is and what he’s done, and his words are the funniest joke he can think of. To accuse you of what he did is hilareous to him.
when he says: guess cause i trusted you and let you in further than anybody i ever knew
He is actually talking about how he conned YOU into letting him in further than anybody you ever knew.
Yes, the common strategies you are noticing are : the pity ploy, projection and camoflauging himself as a normal human being. Notice that he does not talk about your feelings? Notice that he doesn’t approach the horrible things he did to you? All of this is like a movie being directed for an audience. All glitter,no gold.
Thanks Skylar! I didn’t think that I was alone here.
Projection and camoflauging, huh? I wasn’t getting that but I knew it was something; I could “feel” that there was more going on here than “Goodbye”. I’m finally picking up on some of the pity plays because of how I feel when I hear it.
I was wondering about that ” I NEVER could” thing too. He wages psychological warfare, baits me and sets me up and then says that one seemingly onocuous thing that I blow up to. Its like, “Wow! What’s wrong with you? All I said was . . . etc.”
P.S. Don’t believe him LOL
Pizza’s here now and the night’s for fun.
Oxy, you’ve really made me think – AGAIN! Thanks for this article.
I realized I could say now what love is not:
It does not make you walk on egg shells and feel braced for the next blow to fall; it does not make you feel stupid and worthless; it does not make you feel guilty for feeling happy (or for anything you feel); it does not make you feel you’ve failed if all life’s problems haven’t been solved, and the other person has been inconvenienced. It does not make you feel ugly physically, emotionally, or spiritually; it does not tear down your accomplishments or mock your vulnerabilities. It does not make you doubt your worth as a human being.
It’s still hard for me to say what love is, and I realized I saw it in action the other day:
An older couple were walking in the park ahead of me on the trail, and she dropped her cane. She said, “That was dumb,” and he said, “No, Honey; that was an accident.” Then he led her over to a bench and took her hand. “Anyway, now we get to sit here for a minute and appreciate the day.” He spoke to her with great kindness, respect, and acceptance, and you could see the trust and gentleness in their interaction. He even gently cued her not to be harsh with herself (she’d called herself “dumb”).
When you see it, it’s so obvious: two people who love and value themselves and each other. I realized that I can bring love — the real gold — into my life right now, today, by treating myself with respect, gentleness, and acceptance. More than ever, I believe we teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves.
If you watch a snail, you’ll notice they leave a little slime trail behind them:. You can look at what’s left behind when you’re around n/ps and see the unmistakable “slime trail” left by these destructive, entirely self-involved people. While N/p’s are good at what they do (they’re great mimics, great at pretending), real love is unmistakable — and they don’t get it. Real love is constructive and leaves good things in its wake: stronger people and healthy relationships.
My hope is that in allowing myself to dig deep into the real thing, I won’t be fooled by fool’s gold again.
Betty:
“Slime trail”…I like it.
And, we all know that S/N/P’s definitely leave THAT.
“Slime Trail” = EVIDENCE (at least for some of us).
Skylar: I can’t find the “campfire”. I ran a search and got no results. Do you recall where you posted it?
Hi to all
I very rarely post here but have been reading Lovefraud Blogs for 5 years in recovery form an 8 year expereience with a Sociopath.
Part of my recovery was obtaining an Assistant in Nursing Certificate to work with the aged and disabled. This allowed me to see that there were people far worse off than me.
I then decided to enter a counselling degree at the beginning of the year. The reason for this is I could not find a counsellor in my time of need who knew anything about Sociopaths. I ended up teaching my psychologist. I will one day whenn completed my counselling degree continue with studies on Psychology to become a Psychologist and specialise in thories or narcissists, socipoaths and psychopaths.
Two day ago I received i think the best news I have ever received on a personal level other than hoping my ex had gone to jail for fraud lol.
I received a High Distinction mark of 92% at university in Applied Psychology. I am not a sociopath lol but I sure am proud of myself.
I am letting you all know this because I understand the recovery process is a long and painful journey. However there is hope for eveyone on Lovefraud. Through sheer determination from a near death expereience of a Sociopath I managed to turn the most negative and destructive experiences in my life into the most positive. I just want you all to know and appreciate the painful journey ahead can actually be the most worthwhile. This is not something I could have written 5 years ago. I can now also say my experience with the S turned out to be a blessing in disguise up until now.
I think I will continue to read Loveraud for the rest of my life I have learnt so much on here.
I am with all of you on your journey of healing. One of the quotes I use mostly in my life today was one I oringinally found on Lovefraud (im sorry i cant remember who wrote it). “A little stumble is not a complete wipeout or fall”. Infering that I like most of you continued with contact off an on over the years till finally no contact. All the time keeping in mind that quote.
My blessings are with you all in your jouney of self growth and the recovery process. It is an unfortunate but necessary process to go through. Please keep in mind although it may be hard to see at present, the journey is actually a worthwhile one.