By Ox Drover
Going through my family photos I came across one of my two oldest sons. We had gone on vacation to Montana to visit a friend for the summer in 1981. They were about 10 and 11 years old. My friend took us around to all the local sights and showed us some old gold mines dug back into the solid rock.
In the photo made that summer, I saw my sons, both kneeling on a huge rock about five feet from the edge of a stream of rapidly flowing water, with a gold pan in their hands. My friend had put a handful of sand from the edge of the creek into the wok-shaped pan and showed them how to swirl the sand in the bottom and let the rushing water wash away the lighter sand, and told them that the heavier gold dust would stay in the bottom of the pan.
They were so excited to be panning for real gold and before long they started to see flakes of glitter in the bottom of their pan. It shone like the sun and made them very excited and they were talking about all the things they would buy with the fruit of their efforts. GOLD!!! REAL GOLD!!!
When they had a teaspoon or so of golden dust in the bottom of their pans, they could come to the bank of the river and put it into a plastic container. Then they would scoop up more sand and go back out on the big rock in the river’s edge. They worked for hours digging and panning for gold dust, excitedly washing the sand they dug, and keeping the glittering dust in the bottom.
As my friend and I sat on the bank of the creek watching the boys enjoying their experience, he leaned over to me and said, “I don’t have the heart to tell them it is fool’s gold they are panning.”
I sort of chuckled that day, and never really did tell the boys that their work was for naught, or that what they thought was a treasure trove of real gold was nothing but pyrite, or “fool’s gold.” Eventually, I think they figured it out for themselves, and my oldest son still has a small jar with the fool’s gold in the bottom.
I was thinking about “fool’s gold,” in terms of false things that glitter and mimic “the real thing” but are, in truth, worthless. A psychopath’s claims of loving us, their claims that they care for us, are “fool’s gold,” because in fact, they don’t have the capacity to love or care.
The miner who came back to “Deadwood” with a big poke (bag) of fool’s gold would be the laughing stock of the town for a while. Sometimes we may feel that we are laughing stocks or fools for having accepted the “fool’s gold” of the psychopath’s “love” for us as real.
Just as my sons were unable to distinguish the fool’s gold from the real gold, we are sometimes unable to distinguish what is real and what is not.
Experience, however, is a good teacher if we will listen to it. Having seen real gold dust, it is easy enough to compare the different sparkle of fool’s gold from the real thing. Having been fooled once (or twice or more) by the fake glitter of false love, we can use this knowledge to protect us. As the old saying goes, and it is so true, “not everything that glitters is gold.” As we learn that everyone who says, “I love you” doesn’t really, we learn to pick the real from the false.
Dear Banana,
Keep in mind, the way you tell if your X is lying is HIS LIPS ARE MOVING! What he SAYS is NOT THE TRUTH, IT IS A LIE, SO WHY REACT TO IT? What he says is NOT important in the great scheme of your life, and only YOU can make yourself believe that it is NOT important.
Don’t dignify his statements with an emotional reaction. That is what you have “always” done in the past, but it is a pattern you must break in the future. As long as his statements (true or false) mean anything to you, then HE HAS CONTROL over your emotions.
In order to live through this, work on TAKING BACK THAT CONTROL, THAT POWER that you have given him. He can’t keep it if you don’t allow him to have it. I know that is hard to grasp but it is TRUE!
If someone you don’t even know comes up to you in a check out line and says “I hate you”—-are you going to go home and cry for days over that person saying something to you? You don’t know this person, they are unimportant in your life, so you say to yourself “why would I care if that person hated me?”
If, however, someone you LOVE says the SAME WORDS, it is devestating because we LOVE and CARE about them, ,and what they feel and thinnk toward us.
WHAT DIFFERENCE does it make if your X LIES TO YOU? As long as you CARE what he thinks, he has control. in reality he MUST BECOME UNIMPORTANT TO YOU. His opinions must be UNimportant. Hang in there girlfriend, keep plugging along. It won’t come over night, but you must keep your eyes on the goal—that nothing he says can hurt you because you don’t give a big rat’s behind what he thinks or says. In one ear and out the other. ((((hugs))))
Oxy,
I must make this clear…yes he drives me nuts.
But I don’t let him see it, by God’s grace I have been as cool as a cucumber everytime I see him regardless of what he says.
Question…So I shouldn’t even let my attorney try to do something about this because he will know he got to me?
However,
I commented on the other thread that it seems he works reverse to you and witsend’s logic: he tries harder when I don’t react….that’s why he’s doing this…because I’m as quiet as a mouse and polite when I see him.
However, he TOLD me he was picking my son up early from daycare just 8 hours prior, and I went to my attorney and stopped him.
I think he is still mad.
I would not have minded that he took my son early, it was that he did not discuss it with me first through either question or suggestion and that he did it the morning of.
My attorney’s biggest point was that he cannot think that he can just do things how he wants whenever he feels like it.
He was very angry that I did not allow him to pick him early.
Oxy,
The previous comment should have read…
Last week, when I said, “Goodbye, I love you.” to my son while handing him over to the S/P, my S/P said to me, “No you don’t!”
Banana,
He is not only mad about this…..He is going to PUNISH you for this, in the form of your son.
If you are in a battle with him over custody and you happen to mention these things to your lawyer and your lawyer has him stopped this is the SAME thing to him as “having a reaction” to him and his “game”.
Doesn’t matter if you appear “cool as a cucumber” to his face. You immediately called your lawyer. That in itself was all the “reaction” he needed.
You are not in the position to really have him “talk to you first” about picking up your son 8 hours early at the day care.
Now don’t get me wrong when I say this…..By saying your not in the position, I ONLY mean BECAUSE you are still fighting for custody. ONCE you have this battle over with you can follow the court agreement to the LETTER!
But right now while a court battle is still in progress….Things are different. The court nor the judge wants to hear about “emotional abuse” or the “he said”, “she said” in your case. These issues would require a team of mental health experts to figure it all out….
And all you have are lawyers and the judge so you have to stick to facts. Document the “stuff” he is doing. Dropping off late, picking up early, ect….And right before your case give this documentation to your lawyer…..BUT you must know that you will get further in the courtroom without alot of emotional drama for the judge to contend with.
It would be in your and your sons BEST interest right now to just document AWAY, but pick your battles with your X, until this is over. It is NOT in your best interest to make him angry. Don’t try to win the small battles “now” go for the bigger more important win. That is all I am trying to say.
I understand totally what you are trying to say here…And yes if you were dealing with a “normal” person you might do things exactly as you have been doing. However a normal man would be in a custody battle with you and also CONSIDER the best interest of your son. Your lawyer very well might NOT understand what he is up against. Even though you might have warned him. If he has never lived with an S/P/N he DOESN’T know what he is dealing with.
Witsend,
We have a temporary order in place that states his visitaion starts Thursday at 3:30 pm. That I am to drop-off my son with him at that time at a specific location.
He was going to walk over me and tha temp. order to pick my son up at 2:00.
Thank you…no offense taken. I really need your imput and appreciate all of your advice.
banana,
I KNOW exactly how frustrating your situation is. BELIEVE me I am frustrated every single day of my life for the past 2 years.
In your case though, it is SO important for you to not loose focus of the END result of your court case. Because that is what really matters.
And he will try to make you loose focus. Every chance he gets.
I responded to you because you mentioned the hair cut and I had been in EXACTLY the same senerio with my MIL when my son was young.
After my husband died she wanted to have my son overnight for visits. She brought him home MINUS his beautiful locks.
She bought him guns the first Christmas after his father died. His father killed himself with a gun 2 months before and my son saw the gun my husband used because he was there.
And to let me know just how much she didn’t CONSIDER my sons welfare…She also informed him in front of me “your mommy doesn’t aprove of these toy guns so you have to leave them by grandmas”. Now why would you even buy toys for a 4 year old that he can’t bring home?
After many more issues such as these…..She went for the big one.
She started bringing him home in the car without putting him in his car seat. THE FINAL STRAW. The “battle” I did choose to pick with her.
I just wanted you to know that when it comes to a small child and they “up the stakes”, it can become your worst nightmare.
Please always remember what your up against.
Banana,
Make him stick to the LETTER OF THE AGREEMENT IN PLACE NOW.
His comment that you dont’ love your son, is just his way to pull your chain. Don’t let him get to you, you know that is FALSE and what do you care even if he (the X) thinks it? (((hugs)))
OXY,
Did you by chance read my reply to you on the other thread where I was talking to skylar? I think it is the thread….I am loosing control as a parent.
I am curious what you think about this? Him very possibly changing his plan?
Hi all…
I would like to confess to something Ive done recently.
Recently, after much contemplation and beating myself up, I sent my ex’s mother an email giving information I guess about our relationship and my feelings about things that went on which Im sure she had no idea about. My point was this…I needed to get rid of some of the craziness I was feeling and thought since she had shared with me about a year ago her own personal ‘testamony’ relating to my ex’s destruction he caused, that it was appropriate. I did not bash him or speak disrespectfully to him. I gave facts and spoke honestly about my feelings of my experience while with him, as she is maybe the ONLY person who could understand the depths of his sickness…so I thought.
I got a response that was disturbing in its own right. She told me she was sorry I was ‘still’ hurting which I found strange as it has only been 2 months with NO CONTACT and we dated for 3 years. She indirectly told me she wasn’t the person I should talk to about this…maybe I should talk to someone closer to me.
The thing that came to mind was-DENIAL. It is clear to me that accepting more negativity about him and his path of destruction he’s dug is once again too much to accept. She has such hope for him to be different than what he is and would often times say ‘Im so proud of the person he’s become” or “he’s so much better than he ever has been.”
With her response I realized how hard it is for his family to even HEAR that he ISN’T fixed or better or doing well…and as a mom it must be all that more difficult.
Just thought I’d share and any feedback is greatly appreciated.
robxsybabe – hey, I have been wondering where you were!
is there a reason you are judging yourself for emailing her?
you thought, given her openess with you, that she might be open to you – but she wasn’t. I think you need some soothin’ and to be putting down the stick you are using on yourself because it didn’t go as hoped. r you angry with yourself because you hoped? took a chance? did you know that it may not go well? is that the reason for the self flagellation?
even if you did know, being upset with yourself for this is the same as being angry for taking up with a spath to begin with: unkind and hard on your self esteem.
i started to tell my story to someone recently – with real details. i need to – to say not only, I know who did this to me, but, ‘this is the person who did this to me.’ i know that i wish i could talk more with aother of my spath’s dupes – i have contact but she is not very forth coming. what i am trying to say it – i can really understand wanting to talk to his mom. it is a whole other layer of intimacy – closer to your experience of him. a truer touch to your heart.
but she could not. would not. she is minimizing your experience, telling you ‘i am not close to you’, which is disavowing. i wonder how guilty she may feel for how her son turned out….how hard it is to hear your pain as she may feel responsible for it. and maybe, she’s just a lot like her son, or was married to a man who was – and she is traumatized herself.
you sound very sad. be that. but, be gentle with you.
and glad to see you back. 🙂
best,
one step