Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Kristinan32.” Donna Andersen responds at the end of it.
I’ve had a long history with NPDs and Sociopaths. Am I some sort of magnet?
I am a caring individual, rescue animals, take care of people. Go figure. My daughter’s father was one, the last guy I was with was one, up until he died.
Two years later, I decided I’ve ‘healed’ somewhat after everything, and I see my old friend’s brother on a social media site. I never really knew him, so I contacted him, out of the blue. So, we hit it off fast. This is unlike me, I don’t take things fast. We talk, we get along, everything’s fun and good.
He tells me he has mental problems and is a Sociopath, etc. Yes, etc. He’s had a long life full of hardships, family wise, etc. I see the good in him. Of course I do, that’s who I am. No, I’m not perfect.
Anyway, he says he’s never felt love like this before, I’m the most beautiful woman he’s known or seen. He is sweet, caring, things he’s usually not, he says. Gives me his things, mementos, etc. Buys me a ring, wants to marry me. He’s never been married. Me either.
His friends are shocked because of this change in him. He wants to change his whole world for me. For himself.
He seems to project some of his mental illness on me, that I’m crazy because I’m dating him, and we’re both nuts. I may be different, but I was never diagnosed with any of these disorders, other than having depression. I hate that I’m even writing all of this, but feel the craziness of the situation coming on, and feel compelled.
He’s up and down. He (I think) is now fired from his job, because he can’t function right. His past isn’t full of consistency, and also has a criminal record.
As I write this, I know what the answer is. No contact.
I just feel so guilty because he needs someone (maybe) and I do care about him and do love him. He has, though, said a few things to me that I have tried to ignore, and of course they nag at me now. Red flags. Big ones.
I just want to vent. I’m sad once again, that honestly I didn’t even know this man had these issues, yet I picked him out like a needle in a haystack. For God’s sake, I did.
I’m so mad at myself for trying to heal, and then now I’m back in an even shittier situation. No contact? Hurt the poor guy more? Ya, he’s probably not a ‘poor guy,’ but to me he is.
Donna Andersen responds
Kristinan32, I can certainly understand why you feel confused and angry. You are a good person. You rescue animals and take care of people. So why do you keep finding yourself involved with sociopaths?
I believe the answer is in the first sentence of your letter: “I’ve had a long history with NPDs and Sociopaths.”
Every time sociopaths crash into your life, they inflict some level of harm. It could be financial, emotional, psychological, sexual, social, or other types of damage. Whatever they do, it causes you to feel negative emotions, such as anger, resentment, betrayal, pain, hatred, disappointment, disillusionment or grief.
The problem is, in our culture we are not taught how to deal with these unpleasant emotions. Instead, we are encouraged to disregard the pain that we feel and simply push on.
The pain, therefore, remains within us and festers, creating a disturbance in our inner core. And this disturbance does, indeed, become a sociopath magnet. Sociopaths sense your vulnerability, and then target you for whatever it is they want to get from you.
Neutralize the magnet
So what do you do? You need to neutralize the sociopath magnet. How? By letting your negative emotions rise to your conscious awareness so you can release them.
There are several ways to do this. One is to allow yourself to feel the pain. You cry, wail, or rage until you get it out of your system. You’ll usually want to do this privately, or with the help of a competent therapist. Certainly don’t do it in the presence of the sociopath — that will be counterproductive.
As you do this, you may discover that some of the pain you experienced with the sociopath is directly connected to a memory deep within you — perhaps even something that happened when you were a child. If this happens, know that you’ve hit pay dirt — the true root of the disturbance.
This process isn’t pretty and it will take time. But by clearing all the old disturbances from your core, you will disable the sociopathic magnet. Instead, you’ll find reasonably healthy people coming into your life.
You could also employ mindfulness — like meditation and yoga — or EFT tapping. Or you can use all of the strategies.
For example, meditation may allow you to access painful memories, so you can feel the emotions and process them. If it make you cry, that’s fine. Then afterwards, you can restore your equilibrium with more meditation.
Danger signs
Along with healing your emotions, you want to educate yourself. In your letter, you mentioned several behaviors that are classic Red Flags of Love Fraud:
- He tells you his long life full of hardships — this is the pity play.
- He says you’re the most beautiful women he’s known or seen — this is love bombing.
- He starts talking about marriage — he is moving fast to hook up.
- He’s up and down — this could be the Jekyll and Hyde personality.
Also, this guy actually told you that he’s a sociopath. You need to know what that means. Judging by the behavior you described, he was telling you the truth. I strongly recommend that you get my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. It will help you to understand the significance of the warning signs.
Read more: Dating a sociopath? Spot the Red Flags of Love Fraud
No Contact
You are right that the answer is No Contact. The purpose of No Contact is to give you space so that you can go through the healing process. You need to recover from the upset that this man has caused — and the pain from the long line of disordered people in your life. We have lots of information here on Lovefraud that can help you.
Make a commitment to your emotional healing. When you go through the process, and release all the pent-up disturbances, you can turn your life around.
Learn more: FREE! Your first step towards true recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 24, 2018.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it!
Thank you, Donna. It’s been a hard time. I’m doing the ‘no contact’, and am trying to face the facts of what I should have in the first place. Should have dumped him when I told him I was going to in the earlier part. He had to arrange it, though, to be the one who discards. I see that. I’m not going to take it personally, because it’s obviously derangement. I see the pattern I have played in it, too, and was too desperate for ‘love’ to heed the red flags. Actually, one of the first things he said to me when I asked him what he thought when we first started talking was, ‘oh good, she’ll let me ‘do stuff’ to her’. Wow. Red flag much? I’m thankful it’s over. I’m on the road to recovery, and I thank you for your words. Your site has been a big help. Thank you. Kristinan32
kristinan32 – you are very welcome. I certainly understand how this happens – they talk such a good game, and when we have an emptiness in our hearts that they promise to fill, we believe them.
Stay strong. And work on your self healing. Your emotional recovery is the key to the life that you really want.
Kristinan32- your story resonates with me. I, too, felt like I was a magnet for men’s bad behavior and I believed it was all my fault, the way they treated me. I chose a husband who turned out to be a mentally abusive alcoholic and lived with him for ten years. I dated men who did not respect me – over and over. I believed I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough – or even just enough. I deserved it. So, I gave up on relationships for 30 years, got some therapy, decided I was OK – then the first guy I was involved with used me as a temporary home and bank, lied about everything, cheated with a much younger woman and stole $15K from me – and blamed me for “handling” him. So – yes – that magnet thing resonates. But then I found this site and started keeping a private journal and working through my anger and pain. I won’t say it was easy – there were days I spent sobbing into my pillow or throwing it against a wall, eating too much or not at all, beating myself up for making stupid choices…but that is all part of the healing process. Mostly I read lots and lots of stuff about personality disorders and slowly realized I WAS enough. It was NEVER about me.
So – take the time to learn, to reflect, to heal – and it does take time. Start journaling your feelings. Talk to a therapist who knows about these monsters. Throw pillows. Sob. Scream. Eat eclairs (or not). Change the “should have”s” to “I will’s”. Learn to forgive yourself and, eventually, forgive the various men who hurt you. (That’s the hardest part, believe me). Let go of your self-flagellation, your grief, your blame. Talk to us on this site. We are each of us at various steps in letting go. And keep the No Contact Rule first in your mind, no matter the temptation. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.
We are with you.
emilie18, thank you so much for replying. Everyone who has said something, has helped me. It feels good to know I am not in my own boat. I’m sorry that happened to you. Oh boy, do I know. Thanks for the advice. I was thinking about going to a counselor who deals with all of this. I just feel so stupid. I know I’m technically not, but it’s hard to admit. This sucks. Really does. One minute you feel okay, the next you’re walking around in a fog. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, and when you do, you wake up from a nightmare. I never have nightmares. Wake up in a sweat. How can this happen? Thank you for replying.
I was also a sociopath magnet. My first, who I was with since the age of 19, was definitely a sociopath. He made my life a living hell trying to use my daughter against me and always threatening to take her away. He also made everybody think I was a bad mother and person, when I was a good mother and person. He always turned everyone else against me wherever we went. I got rid of him after nine years. I wanted it sooner but certain circumstances didn’t let me. Plus after all the brainwashing from him he had me convinced that if I leave, he would take my child away. Before I had a chance to heal from that I had another one which was briefl, thank goodness. After those two I didn’t date for many years because of the trauma I went through, until I met what I thought was the love of my life, another sociopath. He love bombed me to the max. He wanted to change his whole life for me, he wanted to marry me he’s never met anyone like me, blah blah blah. I was with him for four years. The break up was devastating, just walked out without any warning, no fights no disagreements. Just walked out cleared out the bank account and left me high and dry. I’m still healing from the trauma and devastation. And by the way I was very good to him.
I looked back at my life and realized that I attracted sociopaths in every part of my life, not just relationships but “friendships”, as well as other acquaintances coming and going. I’ve come to the realization that it’s because I was just too nice. I always accepted people know matter what, if they had problems if they were a little whatever. I always said that I’m not judgmental, and I accept people for who they are. Unfortunately, you can’t do that. There are bad people out there. Sociopaths especially take advantage of your niceness. Now I’m very conscious about who I’m with. Even if it’s just a coworker or acquaintance. I pay attention to their actions and is soon as they show bad behavior I cut myself off from them. The best thing to do is educate yourself on sociopaths/psychopaths and know the signs so you can catch them early. And also realize it’s hereditary so if a parent is a sociopath child might be too. My ex sociopath had five kids and at least one of them was a very evil psychopath. So be careful out there!
sk123,
your story resonates with me. So much. I’m sorry you went through it. I, too, didn’t date for a long time because of all of that. I was trying to protect myself. Even this last guy, he talked a great game saying , ‘ohh honey, you’re just trying to protect yourself from what happened in your past. I would NEVER hurt you, NEVER do that to you. I promise. I am NOT that GUY’. Fk him, he WAS that guy. Left me when I was weakest. They should all probably be burning in hell, but I’m not sure life works that way. I don’t want to have any more empathy for them because they don’t have any for us. But, honestly , I do. Even when I think of being kind, I try to push that idea away because they don’t get to use my kindness anymore. Thank you for replying, It has helped more than you know. Keep strong. I will certainly try to do the same.
I too was a magnet for these types, having been raised by a narcissist, and left with a hole in my heart. Plus, they were familiar to me. Which gets me to the other side of this coin of why we are attracted to them.
It can be for a variety of reasons, that may be very unique to each for each of us. My own example is as follows….
They were familiar.
Their behaviors, manipulations, and abuse felt ‘normal’ to me due to my family background. I liked being love bombed. I liked the rush of all that attention. It felt like I was finally getting the love I so wanted, and deserved. The abuse was also normal to me. I must have done something to deserve this poor treatment, so let me try hard to make up for my stupidity. And when the tiny ‘crumb’ of attention would come after the abuse I would feel I had gotten something ‘right’.
The whole see-saw of abuse and manipulation made me feel something was really happening. That my life was exciting. I wasn’t settling for a predictable relationship, I was going for something ‘more’.
It wasn’t boring (at least until I understood it, then it was a TOTAL BORE).
All of this also points to a psychological element for me, related to trying to heal my past. This has to do with repeating the basic pattern we experienced in childhood, and trying to ‘make’ that situation turn out differently (better). So I would find disordered types and try EVERYTHING to make them love me and stay with me (like my mother couldn’t). This, of course, is also the definition of some level of craziness, since these situations always turn out the same.
It was only understanding my vulnerabilities, and their mental illness that broke this cycle.
slimone, I really hate hearing that happened to you. I can’t imagine what it was like to have a parent like that. Although I’m seriously questioning my family, parents , at this point. Well, my mom was a bi polar alcoholic who died when I was 15, and my dad was kind of ‘unavailable’ (but with us) emotionally. It’s really hard. I know healing of self starts the end of these situation. It’s hard. I wish you all the best. This site has really helped me so far, it hasn’t been very long. God bless you.
I have a book out that addresses this aspect of psychology.. Destiny will lead you to your healing, if you are aware and open to it. When memories come into your mind, look at them, examine them, question why you remembered and thought what you did – the when of it and why of it. Some memories are fleeting and just come and go. Others repeat themselves and appear to awaken you to a higher awareness that will heal your spirit and free your soul. Why do you think in the way that you do? Why do you carry the imprints that you do? Who is really controlling your choices, your life, your health, your happiness?
We make our choices then what we choose makes us.
I wrote the memories that kept entering my mind for me but also for you. My memories will trigger yours. We all have them. They are just different for each of us.
The truth of your childhood is carried in your body.
https://www.amazon.com/Daddy…/dp/1619848031/ref=sr_1_1…
Maryjane, thank you. I will check out your book when I am able to. That helps!! Thanks.
Great.. I was a sociopath magnet.. even though I was very careful and wise.. but when you are imprinted from childhood even your energy attracts certain other energies.. it is in the energy and who you are, what you think, how you behave sends energy to and from..
Maryjane, I definitely can see how that is now. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I, too, was so careful, so I thought. I actually feel like I picked him. I added him on social media. He was my childhood friend’s (we haven’t spoken in years) older brother who I didn’t really know. I picked HIM. And he kept saying all the right things like ‘you saw my picture, and said I PICK HIM to LOVE ME!’ and everything else under the sun to keep me around until I no longer fit his uses. I was going on in life OKAY for at least a couple years, until now. It hurts. A lot. I was the one in control of myself. I thought I could out-do him if I needed to. I was so wrong.
He literally broke me down and made me try to feel safe, just to throw me out. I could KICK myself!!
And another thing, I am a caregiver. Just yesterday, one of my new clients had me bring him to a diner that was close to my EX’s work, and where we grew up. We drove, not kidding, directly past his job (which I’m not still sure he has). I have been working at the same job for years and years, and have NEVER even gone to that part of town. The client wanted to go to a ‘record store’ that once we got there, it was cleaned out and closed. I swear to God, it was a sign, saying that he left and cleared out. It made me feel so much worse.
Am also a sociopath magnet. They learn more about you than you almost know about yourself. They do massive research on their target. In the future, if someone mentions mental illness, check with the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). My last partner was both a sociopath AND bi-polar, claiming they were misdiagnosed. Will take a lifetime to recover, but I am getting better!
monicapz, I know that feeling! “my” ex was also sociopath, AND bi polar!! I just didn’t mention it. I’m glad you’re getting better. It really IS hard, though. We can do it!! Forget that noise. We deserve so much better. Thanks for replying.
It was bad enough to marry a sociopath, stay married 29 years and give him 3 boys; but when I was out on my own, buying a house, to hire a contractor who ripped me off, for far more money than I could afford to lose! (and I got a lot of the love-bombing sweet talk, that I got from the ex)..you’d think I would have learned the first time! I dont want to think how many thousand dollars I squandered to this man (and his woman partner). It was embarrassing, to say the least. When I quit forking over money, he(they) finished work, left and are gone. No chance of recouping any of the lost monies..and I dont tell most people about it.
regretfullymine, I am sorry that happened to you. There really ARE bad people out there just waiting to put their opportunist self in others paths. I’m glad you replied. You have to talk about it to someone. I’m really sorry. Stay strong.
I just wonder if anyone regrets exposing the spath? I know in my situation every woman he did this to was afraid to tell on him. Because he would say he couldn’t lose his kids, his band he was in.
I feel like I was the only one who had the courage to expose him. I struggle if this was the right thing to know (although his wife still never found out). I’m going through the worst harassment and smear right now
Hi sbff8, What are the police telling you that they are doing to help you out with this harassment from your ex & this woman?
You are an amazing strong person hon for exposing this sociopath to the world. Please be safe though. Only deal with the Police, Prosecutors office & also if you hire a lawyer. For your safety.
I know that it’s a very emotional time for you. Keep venting. As for the smear campaign they are raging against you…I agree with others that the sociopath is most likely the puppet master. Please know you were a victim of a sociopath. You were sucked into his con game unknowingly. But, now you know that here a very evil people in this world and with education you will be able to spot them.
I told friends who he was, a sociopath. I have ZERO regret doing so…as it is the TRUTH.
I warned 5 women, three of which I know were having an affair with my then husband before I escaped, the other two I do not know if they were sleeping with him or not. I have ZERO regret warning them.
My ex was extremely abusive & said he would kill me if I ever left him, after I escaping I know that he would have had I stayed & this is why I warned all of his mistress.
One dumped him I think because she had no idea he was marred, one seemed indifferent and one stayed with him & started and sent me angry emails telling me to move one…which I was, I was the one divorcing him. I know she was under his spell so I stayed kind to her in a return email telling her to look up this site & others. I planted the seed of truth in her mind to help her stay safe.
This is what you are doing by exposing him. but you MUST STAY SAFE YOURSELF, this is why it is imperative that you protect yourself by going thru the Police, Prosecutors office & a lawyer (if you chose to hire one).
Stay strong hon. Look into adrenal fatigue symptoms, the stress you are under are effecting your adrenal glans with are effecting your emotions & stress level. Take care of your health & adrenal glands now.
Sending Hugs to you!! ???
Ps you are being “Triggered” by all of this. It happens to everyone. So be consciously aware of your emotions. Some times you might have to write them down so that you learn when you will be triggered by everything & how to calm your mind.
Jan7. The police have not done much to help. They got me an address so if I need to file a order I can, they have helped me report to social media but that’s it. It has been awful she still has a page up she created. She deleted most and sent a mutual friend a message saying “ tell her I will stop if she promises to never contact his wife “. I never did contact wife nor will I buy I have rights against being blackmailed. She lives in a state over from me so that police department said their laws are different than mine and I can file charges.
She has stopped for now. A few days but I’m in fear at any moment it will start again. I printed everything out that I needed and that she did so at least I have proof. She’s standing up for this guy and blaming me. Said I pursed a married man while he was weak.
It’s not true. He chased me. Love bombed me said he was unhappy married. Yes I still should have known better but I got caught up in it he would say the sweetest things- sing and write songs.
I live in constant fear now. It makes me sick daily. I don’t need to deal with this harassment I haven’t spoken to this man since june
Hi sbff8, I would recommend that you contact your local abuse center for direction. They deal with this situation everyday. You were manipulated from day one. Your local abuse center might have a attorney recommendation for you. If I was in the same situation I would hire a lawyer & send a cease & desist letter. This way if she continues she can be hit up with a stocking charge. It’s good you are keeping record of this. KEEP EVERYTHING & KEEP A JOURNAL of everything this can be used in court. Keep dates, times, any witness etc. Very detailed journal.
If you are scared then look into security systems. You can buy security systems at Home Deport & Lowes starting at $15 per door & window or a whole system starting at $100. This is just an alarm it does not call the police. But if he comes to your home or she does it will certainly scare them away. Or you can look into a home security system thru a company that monitors your home. This will give you some peace of mind.
Follow the NO contact rule…this means you DO NOT look at her site she has created against you. Every time you look at it you are not only being sucked into their con game but it is triggering you & you will not heal from this nightmare.
I know it’s hard to have your integrity harmed. But what they are doing is not only abuse but they are controlling your thoughts & behavior. DO NOT GIVE THEM THIS POWER. Take back your power with the no contact rule.
Sending you huge hugs,
Wishing you all the best.
Hi Jan7. I just wanted to update you, it’s been 5 months I’ve been taking this smear campaign. I finally after going to police, states attorneys, lawyers. Just went to the court house and talked to a judge. I was granted a peace order against this crazy woman. And my final hearing was yesterday.
I had a friend go with me, I was so sick feeling to go face this monster who had tortured me for almost 6 months over a man who chased after me. I feel she’s either obsessed with me, or him. Anyway. I was granted the final order, the judge CUSSED at this woman in court. Asking her if she’s a sheriff, if she’s god, and told her this is none of her god damn business. The judge told her- SHES the problem with the internet these days. I just want to thank you and this page. I feel a bit more peace. I don’t know if she will stop but at least if she doesn’t I have a order against her. The judge Also advised me to file criminal charges. It had been a nightmare- I never went after this man and his wife is still with him. I just never want any part of this monster again
Sbtff8, this is fantastic news!!! BRAVO for taking your POWER back from this woman & that evil man!!??
Every step you took…talking to police, attorneys, lawyers and then the Judge were huge steps in taking your POWER back!!! These were huge healing steps too!!
YOU are stronger then you know!!! And this just proves this!!
So happy for you!
Please beware that if the sociopath was behind everything (which most likely he was) he may (or may not) processed from another angle. But you HAVE YOUR POWER BACK from him…you are STRONG.? So remember this. And you have connections in the legal system now to take control if he does something.
STANDING OVATION to your great strength hon! So proud of you!! ?
Out of lemons you just made Lemonade!! ??
Keep reading, posting & venting here at Lovefraud so that you are fully educated on who these evil people are, so that you can spot one quickly.
LoveFraud, Donna & Terry are God sent for all of victims of a sociopath to connect & help lift each other up.
Wishing you all the best!! ?
PS. LOVE LOVE LOVE the Judges response to her…he is correct about the internet. Hopefully this will wake her up that that guy is using her.
The judge also advised me to now file criminal charges, for the harassment and slander. She had a choice in court to take the peace order or to go forward with the trial. She wanted to speak in trial ( all she talked about was this man , how I made him want to kill him self and broke up a band) and the judge said it has nothing to do with her harassing me 5 months. My friends have strongly suggested I file for criminal so I think I am going to
She hasn’t stopped. I feel like at this point she is obsessed with me and I don’t know what to do. She’s not even this mans husband. She’s obsessed with harassing me. I had to go back to the court house
sbff8 – it looks like you may need to go ahead with the charges. The fact that she continued after being warned by a judge will not look good for her.
sbtff8…Oh my gosh, this is fantastic news. So glad for you, that you got a bit of justice. I hope she stays in her place.
sbff8 – good for you!!! So glad to hear it.
Not me, I am one and done! My sociopath ex husband wrecked my life and I have never wanted to get involved with someone like that ever again. Now when I come across people who have sociopathic or even just narcissistic traits I feel disgust and revulsion and just stay far away from them.
I do wish healthy people would come into my life though. I have just been alone since my divorce and have been extremely lonely. Still better than being with another disordered person though. No thanks!